8 Simple Rules

8 Simple Rules (originally 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter) is an American sitcom which aired from September 17, 2002 to April 15, 2005. The show starred John Ritter, Katey Sagal, Kaley Cuoco, Amy Davidson, Martin Spanjers, James Garner, and David Spade. The show is now in syndication on ABC Family. This hit comedy series is based on a very odd family who fight a lot but at the end of the episode they are all drawn together. On May 17, 2005, ABC cancelled the series after 3 seasons.

Pilot

 * Paul: So Rory, what do you like most about James Bond?
 * Rory: Hmm...I like that he has a license to kill.
 * Paul: (hears car horn) Me too.


 * Kyle: (answering cell phone) Wassup my brotha from anotha motha?


 * [Bridget walks downstairs dressed in tight pants and a short shirt]
 * Paul: Uh, Bridget, why are you dressed like that?
 * Kerry: Must be casual sex day at school.
 * Bridget: Hey, at least I get...
 * [Paul turns to Bridget]
 * Bridget: ...look good.
 * Paul: Okay, Cupcake, I think you missed the word "under" in underwear because I can see your bra and that slingshot you're wearing under your pants.
 * Bridget: It's a thong.
 * Paul: It's floss.
 * Bridget: I can't wear anything else. Panty lines - Hello?
 * Paul: Panty lines - Hello, are fine. Actually they were a pretty big deal in my day.
 * Bridget: Well, we're the thong generation.
 * Paul: Well, maybe that's why your generation is so angry. You're walking around with a wedgie.



Wall of Shame

 * Bridget and Kerry: (both yelling at each other) I'm gonna kill you!!
 * Paul: Girls don't kill each other. (the girls still yell at each other; Paul waits a moment) At least I said it.


 * Bridget: No, Dad, it was coral. I can't wear a coral. I mean look at me. Hello, I'm a summer.


 * Paul: Does everyone have a cell phone? How much am I paying for these?
 * Bridget: Dad, you get the phones for free.


 * Cate: I just got here. I forgot to pick up my allergy medicine. Do you think you can drop by the pharmacy?
 * Paul: Oh man. You know I hate picking up that stuff.
 * Cate: No, no, no. It's really allergy medicine this time.


 * Cate: Keep Bridget off the phone and out of the mall.
 * Paul: I'm a man, not a miracle worker.


 * Paul: I do care, Kerry and I'll care even more when the game is over!


 * Kerry (to Bridget): Could ya take the fashion show outside? Those of us who can are trying to read.



Wings

 * Paul: Mom also said I was ready for fatherhood.


 * Paul: Off you go.

Son-in-Law

 * Kerry (when Bridget tells them her new beau Travis is a Basketball player): He's a baller.
 * Travis: Holla.
 * Kerry: Holla back, brotha.
 * Travis: Uh-huh.


 * Kerry(makes fun of Bridget shaking her head from side to side) Like, oh my God! I'm Bridget. I can't believe how much my head shakes when I talk.


 * Paul: Come on Cate, dance with me.
 * Cate: Oh, no, I'm not going to embarrass my daughter.
 * Paul: Fine, I'll dance by myself.


 * Paul: What's it called when you're damned it you do, damned if you don't? Fatherhood.


 * Paul: Bridget, wipe your feet and take off the boy.


 * Rory: Can I sit in the cart?
 * Cate: No!


 * Kerry: He thinks of me as some sort of virgin spinster, like Miss Havisham.(Bridget has a confused look on her face) Great Expectations…? (Bridget’s still confused) Charles Dickens…? (Bridget’s still confused) A book…?

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 * Bridget: She’s in bed with him, and you do nothing?
 * Kerry: We’re on a bed, not in a bed. Learn a preposition.

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Cheerleader

 * Paul: Is my little girl a cheerleader?

[Cate is motioning to him to shut up]
 * Kerry: Yes, she is!


 * Paul: I'm a little stunned. Why would Kerry even want to be cheerleader?
 * Cate: Same reason you wanted to be a cheerleader.
 * Paul: Yell captain.


 * Kerry: I can't believe you're encouraging your daughter to join the airhead squad. Aim high!
 * Paul: They're not all airheads, Kerry.
 * Kerry: No, some of them are potheads.

Trick or Treehouse

 * Cate: Paul, give it a rest. You can't make the kids play with you.
 * Paul: Play with me? They live in my house and don't even like me. They're not kids. They're cats.


 * Bridget: Dad, do we really have to spend the night in that stupid treehouse again? We do it every single year.
 * Cate: Every single year.
 * Paul: Come on. It's our last Halloween tradition. Don't grumble, Bridget. You and Kerry won't trick or treat with me anymore, so now it's just Man With Ax In Head and Little Man With Ax In Head.

By the Book

 * (As Paul is reading a parenting book)
 * Cate: So what's the sudden interest after all my years of begging?
 * Paul: Well Cate, I just figured it's time. Our daughters are maturing and you know it would be foolish of me not to use expert resources available right at my fingertips.
 * Cate: They've beaten you down, haven't they?
 * Paul: They're killing me by inches.


 * Paul (to Bridget and Kerry): You're both grounded, go to your room.
 * Bridget: What! You've officially destroyed my life and you're like a life destroyer! I hate you!
 * Kerry: I hate you too. You're the meanest father ever. You're meaner then Angela's father.
 * Paul: Angela's father did time!
 * Kerry: Exactly!


 * Paul: (about the girls) Well, it's official. They hate me again.
 * Cate: Aw, congratulations. (holds up two tickets) Maybe these'll make you feel better.
 * Paul: Red Wings, center ice? Where did you get these?
 * Cate: (imitating Anthony) Shoot. I was kickin' wit my partner Anthony W., and he gave me the 411 on how he got B to the K all grounded and whatnot. He was all, "Damn, Mrs. Henn, that's cold! I gots to make dat right!" So he hooked me these fazoon duckets. Know what I mean?

Two Boys for Every Girl

 * Paul: What's new with my little family?
 * Rory: Well, no one loves your daughters.


 * Paul: A father only has a few chances to put the fear of God into their daughter's boyfriend. This is one of them.


 * Kerry: Why don't you just lock me in my room?
 * Paul: Because your mother won't let me.

Give It Up

 * Paul: (to Bridget) Where's your mother?
 * Kyle: (thinking Paul's talking to him) At home.
 * Paul: No, I mean her mother.
 * Kyle: My grandmother?
 * Paul: (slowly) No, Bridget's mother.
 * Kyle: (slowly) How should I know?


 * Paul: One more smart remark like that and there will be a consequence.
 * Kerry: My life is a consequence.
 * Cate: You know honey, that would have more impact if you didn't say it every day.


 * Cate: You know I think this family should go to visit Grandma and Grandpa in Sarasota. We'd hang out in the sun. It will be relaxing. We'll go swimming and I don't have to cook.
 * Paul: Cate, your parents don't like me.
 * Cate: I know that, honey and I weighed that, but I still have to go with don't have to cook.

Paul Meets His Match

 * Cate: You be nice to your dad today, he's got a lot going on at work.
 * Kerry: Dad's the problem. He won't even let our boyfriends come over for Thanksgiving dinner!
 * Bridget: Yeah, and like Dad's always telling us to feed the homeless. We don't even know them!


 * (While Paul's talking on his cell to Cate)
 * Paul: No, Cate, he never showed. Some newspaper editor can't even make a deadline. I waited 45 minutes for the big jerk!
 * Nick: Paul Hennessey? Nick Sharp, Big Jerk.
 * Paul: (whispers to Cate) Don't call him that, honey.


 * Bridget: (To Paul) Kyle can't even hold my hand without you thinking he's some kind of sex maniac.
 * Kerry: And God forbid Jason put his arm around me. It's like he's already got me pregnant and dropping out of school!
 * Bridget: And that'll never happen!
 * Kerry: Thank you!
 * Bridget: Kerry's so smart, she could graduate high school even if she had two babies!


 * Paul: Oh God I am a..a...
 * Kerry: Say it.
 * Paul: Psycho dad.
 * Kerry: Cool! Say it again.

All I Want for Christmas

 * Kerry: (trying to get people to adopt a dog) Make it a real Christmas. Take home a homeless animal...(scoffs at the person walking away) Idiot.


 * (While at the mall)
 * Paul: Would you keep up?
 * Bridget: I don't want anyone thinking we're together!
 * Paul: Oh, God forbid they'll think were a family. Come on! Kerry's not gonna be with us on Christmas Eve, fine, we'll go be with her.
 * Bridget: Okay fine, I'll keep it three steps behind you, only because it's Christmas!


 * Paul: We're going to hear your mother sing a solo.
 * Cate: Oh.
 * Paul: Oh what, honey?
 * Cate: Well I just realized I'm going to be singing in front of you guys and what if I screw up? I don't want to screw up in front of you.
 * Paul: Oh, babe, you won't even notice us. There are going to be a couple hundred people in the church.
 * Cate: Oh.
 * Paul: Don't look at it like you're singing for a church full of people. You're singing for God.
 * Cate: Oh. You guys can't come.

Rory's Got a Girlfriend

 * Rory (about his date): I don't want to tell Dad cause he'll go "Awwwwwww"
 * Bridget and Kerry: Awwwwwwwwwww.


 * Kerry: Rory's going on a date, Bridget's smarter. (slaps herself) Wake up, wake up, wake up.


 * Kerry: (to Rory) How do you know Sabrina even likes you?
 * Rory: Well, Patches stole a note from Megan, who got it from Lacey, who was passing it to Katie, and it said Sabrina called me "hottie with a body," which is a good thing, so it's pretty much a lock.
 * Kerry: Oh my God. You've turned into Bridget.
 * Bridget and Rory: What-ever!

Career Choices

 * Cate: I asked my mother why she cut the ends off her pot roast, and she said, "because that's what my mother did". So I went to my grandmother and asked why SHE cut the ends off the pot roast, and she said, "because that's what my mother did". So I went to my great grandmother and asked her why SHE cut the ends off the pot roast, and she said, "because the pan was too small". So you see, the previous generation isn't always so wise.


 * Paul (to Kerry): You are kind of special!
 * Kerry: Awww, Dad, that means so much...
 * Paul: Not right now, I need to go talk to your sister.


 * Paul (to Bridget): Let me tell you a story. Your grandmother always cooked the pot roast in a little pan, so one day your mother asked her why. And she said, "Because that's how my mother used to do it." So to make a long story short, you're mother went to her great-grandmother and asked, "What's up with the little pan." And do you know what she said?
 * Bridget: No.
 * Paul: I don't know either. But you're grandmother sure does make a grreat roast.
 * Bridget: Oh, yeah.

Kerry's Big Adventure

 * Cate: (sarcastically) I remember her as just such a happy little girl on the playground, smoking.


 * (As Bridget and Kerry run down the steps)
 * Bridget: I am going to kill you!
 * Cate: What is going on?
 * Bridget: I just talked to Amanda who talked to Michelle who talked to Walker who's dating Josie that you...
 * Paul: Kerry kissing Kyle meant nothing!
 * Bridget: Borrowed my sweater! (long pause) What?
 * Paul: (to Kerry) You borrowed her sweater?!


 * Christina (to Kerry): So do you want to listen to music or watch tv or something?
 * Kerry: No.
 * Christina: You're no fun.
 * Kerry: Sorry.
 * Christina: No, I like it.

Come and Knock on Our Door

 * Paul: This place looks familiar

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 * Paul: (after overhearing Bridget and Kyle talking about what he thinks is them having sex) Aha! Get away from- (sees they were talking about cinnamon buns) those cinnamon buns. They're fattening.

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 * Bridget/Paul: You are dead!
 * Kerry/Kyle: It's not what it looks like!

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 * Paul: I have one question for you. Are you gay?
 * Kyle: No
 * Paul: Wrong answer.

'Drummer Boy (1)'

 * Bridget: It's just when Ben looks at me, it's like I'm the only one in the room.
 * Kerry: It's a private lesson in our garage. You are the only one in the room.


 * Paul: Hey!
 * Cate: Rory!
 * Rory: Oh hey.
 * Paul: Where's Bridget?
 * Rory: I can't tell.
 * Paul: Rory, we don't keep secrets in this family.
 * Rory: Ok. Mom's got yearbooks. Oh, you mean Bridget. She went out with Ben. I'm her decoy.
 * (Paul leaves then comes back)
 * Paul: I knew you had yearbooks.
 * Cate: You can stop building that monkey bed right now.
 * Rory: Aww, man!


 * Rory: Bridget sneaks in late and you punish her by buying her stuff? Who's a guy got to kill to get a monkey around here?

'Drummer Boy (2)'

 * Paul (to Kerry): You get home right now!
 * Cate: Paul, don't yell at Kerry!
 * Paul: I can't yell at Kerry. I can't yell at Bridget. I have to yell at somebody! Rory, stop reading upside down!


 * Kerry (to Bridget): Mom and Dad would kill you if they knew you were carrying on a long-distance relationship behind their back.
 * Bridget: And you're not gonna tell them, right? Because you swore and made a secrecy vow and you kissed my old boyfriend, Kyle.
 * Kerry: How long are you gonna hold that over my head?
 * Bridget: How long does it take for a broken heart to heal?


 * Cate: Paul, just calm down.
 * Paul: I'm sorry, sweetie. I guess I'm in a bit of bad mood today. This morning, I cut myself shaving years off my life as head of this family.

Cool Parent

 * Paul: What happened to a couple of friends over?
 * Bridget: More came, so now it's a kick back.
 * Paul: You mean a party.
 * Bridget: No, no. Mom said we can't have parties. Twenty or fewer is a kick back.


 * Rory: You crossed the line, Dad and you crossed it in slippers.


 * Paul: I'll drive all of you in the mini van.
 * Bridget: Oh my God. The loser cruiser.

Every Picture Tells a Story

 * Kerry: Don't mess with the middle child!


 * Cate: So where's your family tonight, Carter?
 * Carter: Wife number one is in Aspen with my girls. Wife number two went back to Italy with my boys. Wife number four, my current wife, she's vacationing with her mother in Martha's Vineyard.
 * Paul: What about wife number three?
 * Carter: We don't ever talk about wife number three. I love wife number four.


 * Cate: Wow! A book!
 * Kerry: Yeah, because something more interesting than watching a car drive in a circle is reading about it.


 * Cate: You're the adult here, Paul! Why don't you call Carter and explain what happened?
 * Paul: Oh, yeah, that's a great idea, Cate. "Here's the picture my son stole from your house, when do we start the book?"

Kerry's Video

 * Rory: [when Bridget breaks her nose, comes down for breakfast] I am not an animal.
 * Bridget: Shut up!
 * Cate: Rory, are you about done?
 * Rory: Just about. I am a human... being.


 * Paul: We can let [Bridget] stay home a couple of days. What's the harm?
 * Cate: Paul, and I say this from a loving place...
 * Paul: I hate the loving place. I'm always wrong in the loving place.
 * Cate: What message do you think you're sending Bridget if you let her stay home from school?
 * Paul: Her father loves her more than her mother.


 * Bridget: I'm not going to school, Dad.
 * Paul: Honey, you know deep down, no one is going to care what you look like.
 * Bridget: What high school did you go to? You saw Kerry's video. I'm shallow. I get by on my looks. I can't go to school like this.
 * Paul: A broken nose is not a good reason to miss school, to avoid life. Bridget, you know beauty is only skin deep and so what if some of the kids make fun of you.
 * Bridget: But I'm not used to it, like Kerry.

Good Moms Gone Wild

 * [When a newswoman reporting at a local bar in Sarasota where The Hennesseys are vacationing. All of a sudden, they see footage of a college student whipping her bikini around.]
 * Cate: Hey, do you see that girl?
 * Rory: Oh yeah! Talk about News Flash !
 * Paul: Rory! [still looking at the News Footage], She can't even be out of high school. She's about the same age as, as a matter of fact, she looks a little like, alot like...
 * Both Cate and Paul: BRIDGET!
 * Rory: UGHHHHHH!!!


 * Paul: (talking to a bartender) Living in a temple dedicated to my brother in law. With my two teenager daughters who hang out at a bar and my wife who I believe was the original girl gone wild.


 * Cate: How was hanging out with Jake?
 * Rory: Great. Being old is cool. You get to yell at people, park anywhere, take your teeth out. I can't wait.

Career Woman

 * Cate: I am so nervous.
 * Paul: Why? You're a great nurse.
 * Cate: But now I have to boss people around.
 * Paul: You're great at that too. Like they say, do what you know.


 * Paul: I'm looking forward to haveing a lovely dinner with my children.
 * Cate: Girls, where's your brother?
 * Kerry: Don't know.
 * Bridget: Don't care.
 * Kerry: Maybe he's lost.
 * Bridget: Maybe a bear got him.


 * Bridget (to Cate): You look rested.
 * Cate: Is that supposed to be sarcastic?
 * Kerry: Oh Mom, I'm sorry. Bridget just doesn't understand that you've got more important things to do. If anyone should understand sleeping until noon, it's her.

Queen Bees and King Bees

 * Cate: Rory, you want to come to the hospital with me?
 * Paul: Or to the newspaper with me? Big presses, jelly donuts...
 * Rory: Don't make me choose between…
 * Cate: Student nurses, bloody guys.
 * Rory: Hospital!


 * Bridget: I hate that Jenna. She's evil! Yesterday, she was like, "I love your vintage jacket. It's so you." So today, I see her and she was wearing the same jacket. Like she's stealing my soul or something! God, she is so petty.


 * Paul: It's like a girls' mafia.
 * Bridget: There's no such thing as a girls' mafia. Just a highly structured secret society with a set of rules and severe consequences.
 * Kerry: There's a secret society?
 * Bridget: No.

Bake Sale

 * Cate: The hospital is doing something to fight child hunger. It's called the Great American Bake Sale.
 * Kerry: Great idea. Then we can create world peace with a kissing booth.


 * Bridget: This is ridiculous. How am I suppsed to raise a bag of flour?
 * Kerry: Add yeast.


 * Rory: It's just nice not to be the youngest for a change.
 * Kerry: Welcome to middle childhood. It's a real picnic.
 * Rory: You're right. I'm feeling neurotic and ignored already. I think I'm gonna go cry for no apparent reason!

The Doyle Wedding

 * Rory: I would appreciate it if you could stay off the phone for a while. There are going to be a lot of women calling me.
 * Bridget: Calling you what? Geek?
 * Kerry: Perv?
 * Bridget: Freak?
 * Kerry: Loser?
 * Rory: Not anymore.


 * Kerry: They had a lemonade stand.
 * Cate: That's cute!
 * Kerry: They're in high school!
 * Bridget: Yeah, it's more like a lame-o-nade stand!
 * Kerry: And last week, they had a cookie stand!
 * Bridget: Yeah, it's more like a lame-o-cookie stand!
 * Kerry: And they even had a mud pie stand!
 * Bridget: Yeah, it's more like a...I got nothing.


 * Paul: (about the Doyles) They swing dance as a family.
 * Cate: We're doing it and that's final! As a family?

'Sort of an Officer and a Gentleman (1)'

 * Bridget: I'm going to prove to you I can have a long distance monogamous relationship with my virgin boyfriend just to spite you.


 * Cate: Awww! It's Donny Doyle! He's under Bridget's window. He's serenading her.
 * Paul: (takes off his shoe) I'm on it.
 * Cate: Paul!
 * Paul: Cate, he's conning us! Those serenading mid-shipmen virgins are all liars.


 * Paul: What do you like to do for fun, Maggie?
 * Maggie: Well, lately, I've been using Ted's personal information to destroy his credit!

'Sort of an Officer and a Gentleman (2)'

 * (When Bridget gets a water bra)
 * Bridget: I am like so back on top with these things! (names her boobs) Hello, Mary Kate! Hello, Ashley!
 * Rory: Talk about a "Full House."


 * Paul: I just got off the phone with Carter Tibbits, NASCAR legend. I'm writing his book, so no big deal. (Kyle and Rory ignore him and continue playing video games) Riveted. I see. Ummm, we're having a disagreement. Now tell me, does this paragraph "suck" to you? "My diaper was a checkered flag. My bottle, a can of 50 weight oil and..." Oh, it does suck!


 * Paul: (about the pregnancy test) Kerry, Bridget...Beach, Care Bear...
 * Cate: (hesitantly) Paul... it's mine.

Premiere

 * Paul (to Kerry): You could have knocked.
 * Kerry: It was 7:00 in the morning! I thought you couldn't do anything until you had your first cup of coffee!


 * Bridget: Mom's pregnant? I'm too young to be a grandsister!


 * Bridget: Kerry, are those my earrings? They are! God, first you steal my popularity & then my earrings?
 * Kerry: You forgot about your boyfriend!


 * Paul: Stop fighting or I'm going to turn this car around!
 * Cate: Paul, we're in the living room.
 * Paul: It's just a saying.
 * Cate: It's a saying in a car!

Sex Ed

 * Bridget (when she learns Cate is teaching sex education): So, you just say yes without even totally considering how it can completely ruin my life?
 * Paul: Bridget, I think it's an honor your mother is going to teach you sexual education. After all, she taught me.
 * Bridget and Rory: Ew!
 * Bridget: Do you guys not understand what situation I am in here? I mean, Donny Doyle's coming in this weekend to see me.
 * Paul: So?
 * Bridget: So, people already perceive my dating Donny Doyle as a slap in the face! I mean, you know, he's older and he goes to the naval academy instead of his school, and then Danielle's going to this party this weekend, she's all, "You better be there," and I'm all, "Uh, yeah," but Donny's all, "Oh, no, I don't want to share you," which is actually very sweet when you think about it, but it's just the sort of thing that Danielle's gonna use against me, and then (points at Cate) you have to go and exacerbate the whole thing by teaching sex ed at my school!
 * Rory: On the bright side, she did say "exacerbate."


 * Bridget: Why do bad things always happen to me?
 * Paul: Nothing bad ever happens to you.
 * Bridget: Oh, yeah.

Donny Goes AWOL

 * Rory: Well, Bridget broke up with him [Donny] on that tape. (Everyone looks shocked) Oh no! I thought everyone knew!
 * Fred: Your daughter broke up with our Donny...
 * Mary Ellen: ...On our video tape?
 * Paul: You stole Donny's harmony part?!


 * Paul: Donny, you went AWOL? This could have serious consequences!
 * Donny: I don't care! I'd face a thousand firing squads for Bridget!
 * Paul: And you realize I'm going to have to tell your parents about this.
 * Donny: Oh, no, don't do that! They'll kill me!


 * (When Paul is checking messages on the answering machine)
 * First Message: Hey, neighbor! Fred and Mary Ellen Doyle...
 * Second Message: Hey, neighbor! Fred and Mary Ellen Doyle...
 * Third Message: Hey, neighbor! Fred and Mary Ellen Doyle...
 * Cate: You know, you could return one of Fred's calls!
 * Paul: I can't talk to you when you're like this! I swear, he would keep calling even if I changed the outgoing message to, "Doyle, you idiot, stop calling!"
 * (The doorbell rings and Paul answers it)
 * Fred: Hey, neighbor! Kept trying to call, but I think something's wrong with your machine.
 * Rory: There's something wrong with the answering machine? (starts to play Fred's message)
 * Paul: Rory, you fixed it!
 * Rory: But...
 * Paul: I said, YOU FIXED IT!!!


 * Bridget (to Donny): You were in a fight with my dad?
 * Donny: It wasn't so much a fight as-
 * Bridget: That is so cool.
 * Donny: A battle to the death

Goodbye (1)

 * Cate: (on the phone) Hello? Yeah, this is Mrs. Hennessy.
 * (The girls arrive downstairs)
 * Kerry: Gosh, you are so jealous.
 * Bridget: Oh, please, I debuted at number two on the hot list.
 * Rory: Yeah, but she didn't have to do the things you did to get on it.
 * (The kids try to get Cate's attention, but Cate has just received the heartbreaking news and is in a state of shock)
 * Kerry: (nervously) Mom?
 * Cate: (fighting back tears) My... my keys, where are my keys?
 * Kerry: Mom, what's going on?
 * Cate: Oh, my... (dashes out the back door)
 * Rory, Kerry, Bridget: (uneasily) Mom? Mom!


 * Kerry: Bridge? Grandma and Gramps are here.
 * Bridget: Is Dad with them?
 * Kerry: No.
 * Bridget: Well, then I really don't give a damn.


 * Nick: (to Cate) You know I have four daughters, I couldn't in a million years work at home. Paul said he never knew how he did it, he just knew why, he loved his family.

Goodbye (2)

 * Cate: (reading Paul's last article) Okay readers, today we're having a little pop quiz, it's multiple choice, so sharpen your number 2 pencils and put your thinking caps on. Ready? Here's a quote: "Dad, you're an idiot." Now, contestants, this was said to me because of which of the following transgressions? A: Coming to the breakfast table wearing pajamas and black socks? B: Asking my oldest daughter if that guy I saw her talking to yesterday at school was her boyfriend? C: Referring to rapper Fiddy Cent as "Fifty Cents"? or D: Entering the room? Okay, pencils down. Actually it was a trick question. The answer is all of the above. Now do you know how many times I called my father an idiot? Zero. Why? Because I feared him. Back then we didn't share our deep personal feelings, our deepest conversations usually revolved around the Tigers bull pen. But my kids, I can't get them to shut up! There's not a feeling that my kids are afraid to express over and over and over. And my wife reassures me this is a good thing over and over and over, and she's always right. So do I wish that my kids feared me? Well my house would be quieter, and I'd spend a lot less time in the bathroom, but no. Because I know that whenever they insult me whether it's a "You're an idiot," "You're a geek," or an "I hate you," an "I love you" isn't far behind. And it's the knowledge that my wife and kids love me that makes it safe for me to wear pajamas and black socks to the breakfast table.


 * Bridget: The last words I said to Dad were, "I hate you."
 * Cate: Oh...
 * Bridget: (guilt-ridden) He wouldn't let me borrow his stupid car, and I said "I hate you." I had my dad, and the last thing I ever said to him was "I hate you."
 * Cate: Aw, honey. I think those were the first words you said to him, also.
 * Kerry: My last words were an insult, too. He was wearing his Michigan sweatshirt with chinos, and I told him there weren't enough Queer Eyes in all of San Francisco to help him.
 * (Cate chuckles)
 * Cate: Well, I sent him to the store for milk, so the last thing he heard out of me was, "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah." You know what his last words to me were? "Hasta la vista, baby."

No Right Way

 * Bridget: I never would've got this far before. Dad would never let me go out like this. He would've definitely sent me upstairs to change and tell me to cover myself up in some hideous sweater and then give me a one-hour lecture on how I should respect myself and how guys are only out for one thing and I always hated when he did that! I just want my dad back!
 * Cate: Bridget...
 * Bridget: Leave me alone!


 * Cate (to Bridget): Is that the dress you bought with my credit card?
 * Bridget: Yeah, isn't it great! I mean, you have your boob dresses and your good leg dresses and butt dresses, but it's hardly ever you get a good boob-leg-butt dress, you know what I mean?


 * Kerry (to Bridget): You are too pretty for this dress.
 * Bridget: What?
 * Kerry: I just think it's for some girl who has to try really hard and you don't. You should respect yourself like dad was always telling you to. You deserve the best.
 * Bridget: You deserve the best too.
 * Kerry: No, I don't.
 * Bridget: No, listen. What Kyle said to you, he meant it.
 * Kerry: How do you know?
 * Bridget: Kyle and I went out for a really long time.
 * Kerry: Yeah.
 * Bridget: He never said it to me.

What Dad Would Want

 * Cate (to Rory): You know a lot of times people take orange balls similar to this one outside and throw them at basketball hoops.
 * Rory: Okay, but bring it back.


 * Jim (to Cate): They mean well, honey.
 * Cate: Yeah, I know they mean well, but I'm starting to feel like I'm in some kind of circus where the price of admission is a casserole. Step right up and see the grieving widow.

The First Thanksgiving

 * Cate (to Rory): What is going on with you and your sisters?
 * Rory: I'm trying to protect them.
 * Cate: Aww, that's sweet.
 * Rory: I'm afraid that they are going to turn into big fat whores!
 * Cate: OK. Not so sweet.


 * Cate (to Rory): Honey, your job is to be a 14-year-old boy and a pain in the butt.
 * Rory: I can do that!


 * Kerry (to Bridget): So, that's all you can think of to be thankful for? That you got the good hair?
 * Bridget: No, I said it's what I'm most thankful for.
 * Jim: And, what about you, Cate? What are you thankful for?
 * Cate: Well, I'm thankful for my wonderful children, and for my great dad and my mom even though she couldn't be here.
 * Jim: That's what I'm thankful for.

The Story of Anne Frank and Skeevy

 * (Bridget has scored the lead role of Anne Frank, and Kerry isn't happy)
 * Cate: (to Kerry) Now look, we should all be supportive. We should be celebrating. Your sister got the lead in... (in disbelief) Anne Frank?


 * Jim (to Rory): Aren't you a little old to be playing with a dummy?
 * Skeevy: Aren't you a little old?


 * (Cate finds a sullen Bridget in the attic)
 * Cate: Hey, Bridg. I thought I heard something up here. What are you doing?
 * Bridget: Reading The Diary of Anne Frank. Mom, I don't think I can do this.
 * Cate: Well, honey, when you get to a word you don't know, just sound it out.
 * Bridget: I mean, how could I have taken on the role of Anne Frank? She's just so incredibly wise and brave. I mean, I came up here to see what it was like to be her. I just can't do her justice. I can't.
 * Cate: Of course you can.
 * Bridget: I know you never see this side of me, but it's true. Sometimes I can be a little bit superficial. I'm just not Anne material. Think I should quit? Because it's not like I'd be letting anybody down. There are tons of girls that could do a way better job than I can. I should quit, right?
 * Cate: Well...do you want to quit?
 * Bridget: No. I don't wanna quit. But I don't wanna embarrass myself. I don't wanna embarrass you either.
 * Cate: Oh, that's just crazy, honey. But do you want to quit?
 * Bridget: I don't know what else to do. I'm out of my depth.
 * Cate: Wow, you really did read the book. Well...I don't think you should quit. I think you can do it. I know you can do it.
 * Bridget: It just doesn't seem right that I play Anne. We're nothing alike. I mean, we have a nice attic, and a nice house...I can go to sleep at night when it's dark, in a warm bed...I can leave whenever I want...I don't know, my life is easy. I just have not experienced that kind of hardship.
 * Cate: Well, I can't imagine anyone playing the part has that kind of experience, but an actor finds things to draw on. You know, you have had your share of sadness. Start there.

YMCA

 * Cate: Dad, don't go looking for trouble!
 * Jim: I don't. Trouble finds me.


 * Rory (to Jim): I've got this friend who keeps showing up when he's not wanted.
 * Jim: Ask him to leave.
 * Rory: I can't. He doesn't have any ears. I mean he shows up all the time. He's there in the morning. He's there in the shower. I understand why he's there when Missy Kleinfeld walks by. But Hunter and I were haveing cheeseburgers and he was there too.
 * Jim: Oh, yeah, yeah. You know when I was your age, my friend kept showing up too. We were like Hope and Crosby.
 * Rory: Who? You do realize I'm talking about my—
 * Jim: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're talking about the same thing, son. What you're going through is perfectly normal.
 * Rory: How can this be normal? I can barely walk.
 * Jim: Calm down. See this is what happens with a boy your age. Well, in time it will pass. It's a phase. Usually when you get married it will go away completely.
 * Rory: So it's normal. Good thanks. So what am I supposed to do in the meantime?
 * Jim: Well try to avoid any situations where your friend, you know, tada. You know I'm always telling you to stand up straight, don't hunch over and get your hands out of your pockets.
 * Rory: Yeah.
 * Jim: Well hunch over and put them back in.


 * Jim: Bridget, you're not going back to that job.
 * Bridget: You're not my parent. You're my grandparent. You're supposed to give me money and presents and be cute.

Get Real

 * C.J.:(to Grandpa Jim) Oh my. Is that my Gampy? Is that my Gampa? Gaga, it's me! (Jim stares at him) Please, don't get up.


 * Cate (to C.J.): You told Rory he could get a girl to like him by practicing kissing on another girl?
 * C.J.: I told him to practice. But I meant on his hand or in the mirror or on plush toys.
 * Cate: You kiss plush toys?
 * C.J.: No, you kiss plush toys.


 * Jim (to C.J.): You look me in the eye and you tell me the truth. Why did it take so long to come pay your respects to your Uncle Paul?
 * Cate: And C.J., be honest for once.
 * C.J.: I was ashamed. You know he was the only guy who said I'd be somebody and I never was. I almost called him one time when I was running the Tilt-A-Whirl but all the parents freaked out because I was dialing instead of "paying attention" to their kids.

Consequences

 * Cate: Bridget, are those new pants?
 * Bridget: Yes, aren't they cute?
 * Cate: Yeah. How did you pay for them?
 * Bridget: Umm, with your credit card. Don't you remember? You said Lulu's is having a sale on towels can you go buy some for the guest bathroom use your own judgement. So on the way to the towels I saw these leather pants that were on sale and I remembered C.J. saying you're so wannabe without the leathers and my judgement said you don't want to be a wannabe and I thought judgement you are so right!
 * C.J.: That made no sense, but at least you had the presence of mind to drag me into it.


 * Cate: Dad, what did we say about hitting C.J. with your cane?
 * Jim: Not to do it. It's cause of him I'm using the damn cane, tripping over his damn extension cord, bruising my hip. Now I can't stand up. I can't walk.
 * Cate: Dad, let's be positive. There must be something you can do.
 * Jim: I can plot my revenge.


 * Cate: You want me to go easy. I would just like to know what's going on inside my good child.
 * C.J.: The thief, the druggie, or the biker chick?

Opposites Attract (1)

 * C.J.: I remember in high school, I needed a duffle bag to carry all the cards I got. Oh, you don't believe me. I may not be much now as a result of some hard and yes questionable living, but back in high school, I was buff, young, and tan. Good looking. I was the man.
 * Kerry: Oh yeah, show us your yearbook.
 * C.J.: The man was sick on picture day.


 * Jeremy (to Bridget): You're not as dumb as you look.
 * Bridget: Hey, you're not as dull as you look.
 * Jeremy: Well, look at you. A grammatically correct insult.


 * C.J. (to Jim): You sent me all the way to Canada for aspirin?
 * Jim: C.J., the pain in my hip is still here, but now the pain in my ass is in Canada.

Opposites Attract (2)

 * Kerry (to Bridget): They're not geeks, they're academics.
 * Bridget: Okay, I'm not an academic and I don't want to stick out. So is there anything I need to know?
 * Kerry: Yeah, history, poetry, philosophy, addition.


 * Bridget: Mom, CJ's been in the shower for 45 minutes and he's hogging the hot water.
 * Kerry: Oh, great, now we have two blondes in the house who think they own the bathroom.


 * Jeremy: Bridget I like you. I mean, I really like you. I mean, gosh, you're beautiful, you're sweet, and you're smart. At most I thought we could be friends, but I never would have dreamed that Bridget Hennessy could like someone (Bridget kisses him) ... I mean, you know, I'm in my world, you're in yours.... (Bridget kisses him again) Okay, you're being initiated into some club, aren't you? (Bridget kisses him again) ... Will you marry me? You could quit school, get a job.

Opposites Attract: Night of the Locust (3)

 * Bridget (to Jeremy): What's the matter?
 * Jeremy: Oh, I'm worried about chemistry.
 * Bridget: Ok, I know Damian's back in town and yes we have great chemistry, but it is so over.
 * Jeremy: No, I mean I'm worried about my chemistry test, but thanks now. I'm worried about your old boyfriend.


 * Kyle: Damian's outside, Bridget, he wants to see you.
 * Bridget: Well, if he wants to see me, why doesn't he come inside?
 * Kyle: He says tough guys don't dance.
 * Bridget: Then why doesn't he just leave?
 * Kyle: He says tough guys don't leave.
 * Bridget: Doesn't he know I have a boyfriend?
 * Kyle: He says tough guys don't care.


 * (After seeing Rory in a gorilla mask talking into his computer's webcam)
 * CJ: Rory, do you do drugs?
 * Rory: No.
 * CJ: For a second there, this all made sense.

Let's Keep It Going (1)

 * Jim: Kerry's so angry. I've never seen such raw, naked hostility since... you know.
 * Cate: The Korean War?
 * Jim: No, your mother.


 * Kerry: Give me one good reason why I can't go to the Maeve Festival.
 * Cate: Actually, I'll give you three: sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll.
 * C.J.: Sold!

C.J.'s Party

 * Bridget: Mom, please don't ground me.
 * Cate: I won't.
 * Bridget: Oh wow it really works. Mom, can I have twenty dollars.
 * Cate: No.
 * Cate: You're not grounded. You're going to help me with the gardening and cleaning the rain gutters.
 * Bridget: But what about my nails?
 * Cate: I guess you'll have to cut them back.
 * Bridget: [to CJ] This is all your fault.
 * Bridget: I figured out what CJ stands for... Benedict Arnold.
 * C.J.: That would hurt if it made any sense.

Mother's Day

 * C.J.: [Bad French Accent] Hello, Cate.
 * Cate: [Noticing C. J. sitting there, drinking a cup of tea] How long have you been sitting there?
 * C.J.: [Accent] Bridget, Kerry, Kerry, Bridget. What do they covet most, Cate?
 * Cate: Boys?
 * C.J.: [Accent] Hm, yes. Many, many boys.
 * Cate: Well, I was just in their room...
 * C.J.: [Accent] Snooping, Clarice?
 * Cate: I was cleaning! Anyway, i found my suitcase, and a bunch of websites about hotels.
 * C.J.: [Accent] Bridget and Kerry, hotel, boys. One banana, two banana, three banana, four.


 * C.J.: [Bad French Accent] What we have here, Cate, is a Trash & Dash.
 * Cate: What's that?
 * C.J.: [Bad French Accent] The coolest kids in school throw a party. They rent a fancy hotel room, trash the place, then dash out the door without paying. Trash & Dash.
 * Cate: You used to do that?
 * C.J.: I said the cool kids! I asked all my friends about it, they're like "no! It's a myth!"
 * Cate: You know, that actually makes sense. The hotels, the beauty salon, the cool kids didn't invite you. Thanks, C. J.
 * C.J.: [Bad French Accent] You have to admit, Cate, the world's a much more interesting place with me around.
 * Cate: C. J., why are you talking like that?
 * C.J.: I don't know.


 * Cate: Corn?

[She sits up]
 * Bridget: [VO] The chips are potato and corn...
 * Cate: [She stands up and knocks a bag over. A flyer falls out that reads "Evergreen - Fresh and Fun"]
 * Kerry: [VO] We rented... Evergreen. I hear it's totally fresh and fun...
 * Cate: [Flashback, reading a flyer] An overnight stay in a beautility salon...
 * Rory: [Flashback, hanging up the phone] That's weird. Travis Stevens just invited me over to his house...
 * C.J.: [Flashback, sipping a cup of tea] What do they covet most, Cate? Many, many boys...
 * Cate: Those girls! They are so dead!

[Hops out of the room]