ALF (season 4)


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ALF is an American sitcom that aired on NBC. The title character is Gordon Shumway, a sarcastic, friendly extraterrestrial nicknamed ALF (an acronym for Alien Life Form), who crash-lands in the garage of the suburban middle-class Tanner family.

Baby, Come Back [4.01]

 * Willie: Call us crazy, ALF. We just feel that we should have a human babysitter what with Eric being human and all.
 * ALF: Oh, I see. And have you thought about what happens to me, while that human babysitter rummages trough my fridge?
 * Kate: What do you mean your fridge?
 * ALF: Okay, it's your fridge, but the fuzz in the meat drawer is mine.


 * ALF: Well, that should take care of the pesky gophers. [goes upstairs to Eric's room and he finds out that Eric is gone] Eric, I'm back! Did you have time to reload? Eric? Eric! Eric! Eric! Oh, he's gone! What have I done? Eric! Well, so much for keeping my powder dry. Eric!

Lies [4.02]

 * Willie: [reading tabloid] "Amazon women found on Alpha Centauri." So?
 * ALF: Everyone knows Alpha Centauri is just a bunch of bowling alleys and divorced guys!


 * Brian: [reading from his history book] Okay, here's the last one. "What German leader was responsible for starting World War II?"
 * ALF: That's a tough one. It was either Colonel Klink or Sergeant Schultz. It was probably Klink. Schultz could have never pulled it off.

Wanted: Dead or Alive [4.03]

 * ALF: [after Willie was sent to FBI] Willie's been caught. Kate thinks I've turned him in. I'm gonna end up hung by my neck in a Chinese deli.


 * ALF: [when Willie came home from FBI] Willie! Oh, Willie, I knew that you were innocent. I'm so excited I could leave a spot right here on the carpet!

We're in the Money [4.04]

 * Willie: Kate, do you know anything about this letter?
 * Kate: [reading a letter] "Dear Mr. Tanner, Enclosed please find confirmation numbers for stocks purchased this week."
 * Willie: Willie, I thought we were gonna consult each other before doing anything stupid.
 * Kate: Well, it's got to be a mistake.
 * Willie: Probably a 3 foot furry mistake.
 * Kate: Sometimes I think we should just sign everything over to him and slip away in the middle of the night.


 * Willie: Some people are so blinded by the thirst for money, that it causes them to lose their values and do things they shouldn't do.
 * ALF: Well, that explains Ghostbusters II.

Mind Games [4.05]

 * [Larry comes to visit the Tanners]
 * Willie: Well, what's your professional opinion?
 * Larry: He's bored.
 * Willie: But you don't think there's any underlying psychological reason?
 * Larry: Maybe boredom.
 * Kate: That's it?
 * Larry: Well, he's a very intelligent being. I mean, he needs to be challenged.
 * Kate: He needs to be muzzled.
 * Willie: He has the computer. I've bought him dozens of books, video tapes.
 * Kate: He has plenty to do. The problem is he wants to be in the middle of whatever we're doing.
 * Larry: It's easy to forget, you know, that he's an adult and he wants to be treated like one.
 * Kate: So, what do we do?
 * Larry: Well, you could, talk to him, tell him your feelings ask for advice, his opinion, and do it at dinner. It'll work wonders.
 * Kate: What if it doesn't?
 * Larry: We'll have dessert.


 * Willie: [while cutting the bread] And he's just gotten completely carried away with this therapy thing.
 * Larry: You know ALF, he gets carried away with everything he does. What motivated you to let it go this far?
 * Willie: Oh, stop it, Larry. I've had enough of this all week. Just fix it.
 * Larry: Yeah, you know what they say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
 * Kate: In ALF's hands, foam rubber is a dangerous thing.
 * Willie: Do you think you can help?
 * Larry: Trust me. I'm a professional.
 * Kate: The last time someone said that to me, I ended up with purple hair.

Hooked on a Feeling [4.06]

 * ALF: [looking at the cotton] But the cotton. Ah, the cotton! All the flavor of a fine polyester with none of the unpleasant aftertaste. [eats the cotton]


 * ALF: I miss Saturday night aphid chews. I miss my friends. Especially Rhonda. I remember 1 night after harness racing she was helping me out of my bridle.

He Ain't Heavy, He's Willie's Brother [4.07]

 * Willie: [reading a note that ALF wrote] "Dear Neal, take some advice from a guy who loves you like a brother. There's a camper leaving town at noon either be in it or under it. Love, Anonymous."
 * ALF: I love when you read to me.


 * Willie: I told you this was none of your concern, didn't I? [angrily] Didn't I make it perfectly clear you were to stay out of this?
 * ALF: Obviously not clear enough.
 * Kate: What exactly did this note say, ALF?
 * ALF: Well, I seem to recall, and I'm paraphrasing now. Amscray, wearing out your welcome. Oh, and deadbeat. Sincerely yours, William Tanner.
 * Willie: You signed my name?
 * ALF: Well, you got mad when I signed the first one anonymous. Is there no pleasing you?

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face [4.08]

 * Willie: Neal is getting his own apartment now, ALF. Hopefully things will be returning to normal here. I should think that would make you happy.
 * Neal: [offscreen] Willie, you up there?
 * Willie: I mean, yeah. Under the bed.
 * ALF: Okay, I will. And I won't let this degrade me at all, in case you're worried. [hides under the bed]


 * [ALF and Neal are playing chess]
 * Neal: So in other words, what you're saying is, except for having 8 stomachs you're really not special in any way.
 * ALF: Oh, gee, thanks. Hey, are you gonna play, or are you gonna jabber on all night?
 * Neal: Well, I thought you said this pointy guy could only move diagonally.
 * ALF: Did I say that? Well, what I meant was it can only move diagonally, except when the move follows the taking of an odd number of the opponent's men from the board.
 * Neal: Oh.
 * ALF: You sure you've never played this game before?
 * Neal: No, this is my first time.
 * ALF: Good. Let's play for money. Gin. You owe me 1500 bucks.

Live and Let Die [4.09]

 * Willie: [comes in the kitchen] Kate, I have some very bad news.
 * Kate: What is it?
 * Willie: I found a cat outside by a fence. He's dead?
 * Kate: Lucky? Oh no.
 * ALF: So, what's the bad news?
 * Willie: That was the bad news. Thank you for your concern.
 * Kate: Well honey, what happened?
 * Willie: Well, he must've died in his sleep. Apparently he was a lot older than the vet said he was. I wrapped him in a towel and put him in the garage.
 * Kate: Poor Lucky.
 * ALF: [after Lucky died] The Luck-meister is dead! This is indeed a very dark day for anyone who knew him, or chased him. Is the crock pot still under the sink?


 * Lynn: [praying for Lucky] Please take care of Lucky and let him be happy. Tell him we miss him. Amen.
 * ALF: Lynn, that was indeed beautiful. I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before bed: "And if I die before I wake, chicken fry me like a steak."
 * Kate: ALF!
 * ALF: Hey, they were his words!

Break Up to Make Up [4.10]

 * [Lynn is showing ALF 2 drawings on the board]
 * ALF: Okay, okay. We've got a clock and a bird. Bird watch! A bird watching. That's it! Let's eat! Are you sure? Watch bird. Watch bird. [Lynn draws an arrow] One flew over the cuckoo's nest. [Lynn grunts and points to ALF a clock and a bird] That's my final answer, make it work. Oh, come on, what else could it be? [timer dings]
 * Lynn: What about time flies?
 * ALF: What about a halfway decent clue?


 * ALF: Oh great. My party's turning into a suicide watch.

Happy Together [4.11]

 * ALF: [voiceover, after leaving the Tanners] Oh, Lordie, Lordie. I'm free at last!


 * [Neal turns off the music that ALF is listening to as there is a knock on the door]
 * Neal: Oh, no! How long have the neighbors been banging on the walls?
 * ALF: Well, my guess would be all night. And frankly, I find it annoying.
 * Neal: ALF, about this roommate situation, I just don't-
 * ALF: I know, I know, I'm a little out of control but that's because I'm young and foolhardy. I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
 * Neal: I don't hate you! But you do have to learn a little consideration for other people!
 * [the door knocks]
 * Police Officer: [voiceover] Police officers. Would you open the door please?
 * ALF: And you have the nerve to lecture me.

Fever [4.12]

 * Willie: [to ALF, after he sneezed] I think you've caught my cold!
 * ALF: Impossible. I told you before, Melmackians never get sick. Only inferior, backwards species get sick. [pause] No offense.
 * Kate: Just to be on the safe side, you better go upstairs and lie down.
 * ALF: Okay, but I'll need the microwave, the TV, the VCR, and Police Academies 1, 2, 3, and 6. [pause] 4 and 5 lacked the pathos and emotional underpinnings of the others.


 * Kate: [as she and Willie check on ALF] Here are the books you wanted ALF.
 * Willie: How are you feeling?
 * ALF: Like someone stuffed gerbils up my nose!
 * Kate: You sound awful.
 * Willie: Nice touch, ALF. Don't encourage him.
 * Kate: Willie.
 * ALF: But I really am feeling worse!
 * Willie: My cold ran its course in a week. Isn't it interesting that yours is hanging on so long?
 * ALF: Look at this nose, Willie. There's enough room in there for the viruses to start their own republic. In fact, I think I hear their vice president speaking. [he blows his nose]

It's My Party [4.13]

 * Kate: It's happening! He's going to ruin everything!


 * [Willie ties ALF outside after seeing him in the room dancing]
 * ALF: Willie, it's not my fault. It was that devil music, it called to me. Suddenly, I was burning with passion, desperately looking for a carbon maranda hat. The kind of fruit?
 * Willie: Uh-huh! You can't be trusted pal. This is for your own good.
 * ALF: Ha! There isn't a garbage shed in the town that could hold me. [after Willie leaves, he hums conga music, and then burps] Ow!

Make 'em Laugh [4.14]

 * ALF: [dreaming as a comedian] Anyone here have been to a fast food restaurant? On Melmac, they were the worst. You ask for extra crispy, they give you a cat with a tritest. [crowd laughs] You know about the Melmacian National Library burning down? They lost both books. [crowd laughs] And the second one wasn't even colored in yet! [everyone claps]


 * ALF: [talking from his dream as he wakes up] I was funny, I was funny, I was funny.
 * Willie: [he and Kate come in the attic] ALF!
 * ALF: Whoa!
 * Willie: You're alright?
 * ALF: Oh, Willie, I had a nightmare. I was a stand up comic and I had to clean up vomit! Listen, I've decided not to be a comedian. I hope you're not too disappointed.
 * Willie: Oh, we dealt with you giving up Dirty Dancing. I think we can deal with this.
 * ALF: Thanks. I just realized I'm too pretty to be funny. I envy you Kate.
 * Kate: Thanks, AL.
 * ALF: What?
 * Kate: You heard me. Breakfast will be ready in 15 minutes. [leaves the attic]
 * Willie: [does do some kung fu moves] Because you must be STARVING, STRAVING! [ALF freaks out] Hurry up because Eric in Charge is on!
 * ALF: No! [wakes up from his real dream] No, no! Whoa! Whew! Well at least Woody Allen liked me. I'm getting out of comedy. Think I'll be a plate spinner. Yeah.

Love on the Rocks [4.15]

 * Lynn: [while practicing for a play] You will all be glad to see me burn, but if I go through the fire, I shall go through it to their hearts, forever and ever. And so, God be with me.


 * ALF: [answers the phone] Hello. Oh, hi, Neal. What's up, dude?
 * Neal: Yeah, is Willie there? Anybody? Darn, we're so excited about our news and there's nobody to tell.
 * ALF: Oh, then let me find someone. Hello? You're the guy with the news, huh?
 * Neal: Sorry, ALF. Margaret and I are getting married.
 * ALF: What?!
 * Neal: Yeah! We're driving to Vegas to tie the knot.
 * ALF: But, Neal.
 * Margaret: [offscreen] Honey?
 * Neal: Listen, I gotta go. Tell everybody the good news for me, okay? Bye. [hangs up]
 * ALF: But, Neal, wait! Don't- hang up. This had to happen on my watch. Do I sit by and do nothing or risk all and save the poor schlub? Well, it is Vegas. And there is that sock of quarters Brian's been saving.

True Colors [4.16]

 * ALF: Lynn, a word to the wise. Forget art! Stick with plan A: Throw yourself at the first rich man to come along.


 * Lynn: [comes home from school angrily] You are in big trouble, mister! You've got a lot of explaining to do!
 * ALF: Oh, Willie, Willie. You're a constant disappointment to Kate and me.
 * Lynn: Do you know what he did? He stuffed his painting in my portfolio thinking somehow Mr. Reuben would critique it before I could find it.
 * Kate: Oh, that was an awfully stupid plan, ALF.
 * Lynn: That's what I thought at first.
 * ALF: It worked. I knew it! I knew watching The Brady Bunch wasn't a waste of time! What did he have to say? Huh, huh, huh?
 * Lynn: Oh, great. The fun part. Now I get to tell him.
 * ALF: I knew it. He hated it. Excuse me while I open a vein.
 * Lynn: Wait, ALF, before you make a mess the truth is he liked it. He said it was brave, raw, and inspired.
 * ALF: Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! My day and a half of suffering has paid off.
 * Willie: You mean it's possible that this could truly be a work of art?
 * ALF: And so the breakdown of human civilization begins.
 * Lynn: This is horrible. Mr. Reuben thinks I have talent. What am I going to do?
 * ALF: Oh, how do you get yourself into these things?
 * Lynn: What you did was thoughtless, selfish, and egotistical! [leaves angrily]
 * ALF: You spend your life raising them and this is the thanks you get.

Gimme That Old Time Religion [4.17]

 * Willie: I don't know what to get your mother for our anniversary. After 22 years of marriage, what can I possibly get her that would really make her happy?
 * Lynn: You could always drop ALF off in the desert.
 * Willie: No, wouldn't want to waste that on anything less than our 25th.

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 * Brian [reading the first question] What's is the kindest thing that you can do for someone else?
 * ALF: Burp down wind.
 * Willie: He's right. It says, "He who burps down wind can party with me anytime."

Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades [4.18]

 * ALF: I should have crashed on a planet where people live longer. I never plan ahead.
 * Willie: ALF, you're driving us crazy with this death obsession. You and Woody Allen. At least it's funny when he does it.
 * ALF: Oh, he's just bitter because he can't sell a sitcom.

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 * Lynn: ALF, I hope you realize we'd never do any of those things. And thanks for having such a high opinion of us.
 * Brian: ALF, I know you're really worried, and you have every right to be, but just tell me one thing. Did I have all my hair?
 * ALF: Your hair was the least of your problems.
 * Kate: ALF, no matter what happens as long as you have to stay hidden we'll always make provisions for you.
 * ALF: Prove it. Put the house in my name.

When I'm 64 [4.19]

 * ALF: Oh, please, Willie? Stay home. We'll order out. It'll be my treat. By the way, can I borrow a couple of hundred till payday? I seem to have misplaced your credit card.
 * Willie: For the last time, no, ALF.

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 * ALF: [while standing outside of a retirement home] Oh, wow! This could be Louise's window. That could be her nightstand. Those could be her teeth! Just my luck. She's not in them.

Mr. Sandman [4.20]

 * Willie: My great grandfather, Silas Tanner was a pioneer. He was an adventurer. The last 4 years of his life, he prospected for gold.
 * ALF: You know, my great uncle Louie Louie was a prospector. He started the Great Foam Rush of aught 8.

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 * ALF: [while digging for a treasure] Give up. He must be mad. Mad, I tell me, mad! No one's gonna cheat me out of my right to someone else's legacy. [feels something hard with a shovel] Hey, what's this? Wooden planks! Yes! Yes! I found the treasure! I'm, I'm going to be stupid! [laughs and then yells as he falls down to the water]

Stayin' Alive [4.21]

 * Brian: And these pictures of Earth were taken from space?
 * ALF: Yeah. By satellite. See that guy waving? That's your dad.
 * Brian: Really? [ALF laughs] What's that? Gotcha! It took me 4 years and I finally got you.
 * ALF: What can I say? You've learned well, Grasshopper. Congratulations. Ha! What a maroon!

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 * ALF: [reading a letter] "Dear Sendrax. You should stop making CFC's because as Gordon Shumway says there's no zone like the ozone. Much love, Marvin Hamlisch."

Hungry Like the Wolf [4.22]

 * Kate: ALF, if you're really serious about losing weight, you're gonna have to start exercising regularly and eating less.
 * ALF: Well, what if I just gave up eating your cooking?

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 * ALF: [acting like a wolf] Silence, suburban ones. You scare prey from hunting ground.

I Gotta Be Me [4.23]

 * ALF: You know, I don't understand why Lynn didn't just lie.
 * Willie: Well, maybe that's your way, ALF but not everybody's like that.
 * ALF: Well, it's a curse. Fortunately, I have the boyish charm to pull it off.

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 * ALF: Lynn's probably so relaxed she'll have to be wheeled in.

Consider Me Gone [4.24]

 * ALF: [reading his stick] 4 years and they give me a stick.

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 * [last scene of the series]
 * Willie: Safe home, my friend.
 * ALF: No problem, we'll be going against traffic.
 * [a light shines on ALF]
 * Willie: ALF! Someone's coming! Get back here!
 * [a group of vans come]
 * ALF: What! [whimpers] Uh oh! Wait! Wait! Don't leave me!
 * [a group of officers come]
 * Brian: ALF! Dad, do something!
 * Officer: Stay right where you are!
 * ALF: [last lines] Uh, hey guys. Want to grab a Burski? How about those Lakers, huh? This is my luck, I'm a sports fan among you.
 * [the final episode ends with a group of officers surrounding ALF]