A Christmas Story

A Christmas Story is a 1983 film American Christmas comedy film, set in the 1940s, about a boy who has to convince his parents, teachers, and Santa that a Red Ryder BB gun really is the perfect Christmas gift.
 * Directed by Bob Clark. Written by Jean Shepherd, Leigh Brown, and Bob Clark, based on Shepherd's short stories, contained in the books In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash and Wanda Hickey's Night of Golden Memories.

A Tribute to the Original, Traditional, One-Hundred-Percent, Red-Blooded, Two-Fisted, All-American Christmas...taglines

Ralphie

 * "What I want for Christmas."

Others

 * Schwartz: Hey, smart ass. I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a flagpole in the winter, and he says that it'll freeze right to the pole, just like I told ya.
 * Ralphie: [after cracking a secret code, reading it] Be sure to...drink your... Ovaltine. Ovaltine?! A crummy commercial?! Son of a bitch!
 * Scut Farkus: [to Ralphie] Listen, jerk! When I tell you to come, you better come! [Ralphie starts quivering] What? Are you gonna cry now? Come on, crybaby, cry for me! Come on! CRY, HA HA!!! [begins mock crying and laughing]

Dialogue

 * Mother: Ralphie! Randy! Down here in two minutes! And I mean two minutes!


 * Black Bart: Oh, no! It's...
 * Bandits: It's Old Blue! Oh, NO!
 * Black Bart: Cheezit up, boys! The jig is up! Okay, Ralphie! You win this time... but, we'll be back!
 * Ralphie: Adios, Bart. But, if you do come back, you'll be pushing up daisies and don't you forget it!
 * Randy: Hallelujah!
 * Mr. Parker: Go on! Beat it!

( muttering )


 * Mrs. Parker: Little pitchers.
 * Mr. Parker: Hold it! Shh!

( pipes clanging )


 * Mr. Parker: It's a clinker! That blasted, stupid funace.
 * [walks down the stairs and falls the rest of the way down]
 * Mr. Parker: Dadgummit! Damn skates! For Christ's sake, open up the damper, will you? Who the hell turned it all the way down again? Ah, blasted! ( cursing ) rattletrap! You beast!
 * Ralphie (as an adult): In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity that, as far as we know, is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.


 * [Randy's mother has dressed him in multiple layers of winter clothing for the walk to school]
 * Mother: What is it?!
 * Randy: [wailing] I can't put my arms down! [continues bawling, as Mother tries unsuccessfully to put his arms down]
 * Mother: Well, put your arms down when you get to school. [winds scarf around Randy's neck, as he starts wailing once more]


 * Ralphie (as an adult): Weeks ago, I had sent away for my Little Orphan Annie's secret society decoder pin. Oh, skunked again. No matter. Today, I had serious work to do.
 * Ralphie: ( reading ) "What I want for Christmas. What I want is a Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock... and this thing which tells time." Wow, that's great. "I think that everybody should have a Red Ryder BB gun. They're very good for Christmas. I don't think that a football's a very good Christmas present."


 * Father: I've won! I've won!


 * Father: Or it could be a bowling alley. A guy down in Terre Haute won a bowling alley.
 * Mother: How are they going to deliver a bowl alley here tonight?


 * Mr. Parker: Thanks a lot, guys. Merry Christmas. Get the crowbar and a hammer, Ralphie. Go on. ( mispronocing ) Uh, "fra-gee-lay." It must be Italian.


 * Mrs. Parker: I think that says "fragile", honey.
 * Mr. Parker: Oh, yeah. Here we go.

( hammer tapping and crowbar breaks at once )


 * Ralphie (as an adult): Holy smokes, it was 6:45. Only one thing could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleamed in the window.
 * Radio: Who's the little chatterbox the one with pretty auburn locks? Who do you see? It's little orphan Annie!
 * Ralphie (as an adult): :[The song is heard from outside.] Kids, it's Little Orphan Annie time. Brought to by rich, chocolatey ovaltine. I could still taste it.
 * Mr. Parker: Hey, you turned the light off!


 * [Ralphie, Flick, Schwartz, and Randy run from Scut and Grover.]
 * Randy: Come on, you guys. Wait up!


 * [The students and Ralphie turn in their themes.]


 * Miss Shields: You call this a paragrah? Margins! Margins! "F"! My life.


 * [The kids run from Scut and Grover and Randy can't catch up.]
 * Randy: Come on, you guys. Wait up!

 ( pirates yelling on the radio )
 * Ralphie as Adult: Come on. I don't need that jazz about smugglers and pirates.
 * Ralpie: Red cabbage?
 * Mrs. Parker: No. That's for tomorrow night. You love red cabbage, Ralphie.
 * Ralphie as Adult: What happened next was a family controversy for years.
 * [A crash is heard.]
 * Mr. Parker: What was that? What happened? What broke?
 * [He sees Mrs. Parker with the lamp, which is in pieces.]
 * Mrs. Parker: I don't know what happened. I was watering my plant, and I... broke your lamp.
 * [Mr. Parker goes over and snatches the lamp from his wife.]
 * Mr. Parker: Don't you touch that! You were always jealous of this lamp!
 * Mrs. Parker: Jealous of a plastic...?
 * Mr. Parker: Jealous! Jealous because I won.
 * Mrs. Parker: That's ridiculous! Jealous? Jealous of what? That is the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE!!!
 * Ralphie as Adult: Now, it was out.
 * Mr. Parker: Get the glue.
 * Mrs. Parker: We're out of glue.
 * Mr. Parker: [enraged] You used up all the glue on purpose!
 * Ralphie as Adult: The old man stood quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was...
 * Mr. Parker: Not a finger!

( train whistle blows )

( lamp brokening )


 * Ralphie (as an adult): Later, that night, alone in the backyard, he burned it next to the garage.


 * [During recess at school, Ralphie, Flick, Schwartz and other kids are outside, standing beside the flagpole]
 * Flick: You're full of beans, and so is your old man.
 * Schwartz: Oh, yeah?
 * Flick: Yeah!
 * Schwartz: Says who?
 * Flick: Says me!
 * Schwartz: Oh, yeah?
 * Flick: Yeah!
 * Schwartz: Well, I double-dare ya!
 * Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] The exact exchange and nuance of phrase in this ritual is very important.
 * Flick: Huh! Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb.
 * Schwartz: That's 'cause you know it'll stick!
 * Flick: You're full of it!
 * Schwartz: Oh, yeah?
 * Flick: Yeah!
 * Schwartz: Well I double dog-dare ya!
 * Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] NOW it was serious. A double dog-dare. What else was left but a "triple-dare you"? And finally, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple dog-dare.
 * Flick: [over narrator's voice] This guy's really dumb.
 * Schwartz: I triple dog-dare ya![Flick's smile turns to shock as it goes silent. Ralphie looks on shocked.]
 * Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Hmm. Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple-dare and going right for the throat!
 * Flick: All right, all right.
 * [Flick sighs and hesitantly sticks his tongue out]
 * Schwartz: Well, go on, smart-ass, and do it!
 * Flick: [tongue out] I'm goin', I'm goin'!
 * Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Flick's spine stiffened, his lips curled in a defiant sneer. There was no going back now.
 * Flick: [puts his tongue on pole] This is nothin'. [tries to pull off, but can't and realizes Schwartz was right.] Stuck? Stuck?! STUCK! STUCK! [he starts screaming and bawling]
 * Schwartz: Jeez! It really works! Look at him!
 * [the school bell rings and the students run back to the school except Flick, who keeps bawling]
 * Flick: Ralphie, come back! Come back! Don't leave me, come back!
 * Ralphie: But the bell rang!
 * Schwartz: Well, what are we gonna do?!
 * Ralphie: I don't know, the bell rang!
 * Flick: Don't leave me, come back! Come back, come back! [he bawls as he is still stuck to the pole]


 * Mr. Parker: What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?
 * Mother: Ah... Victor! His name is Victor.
 * Mr. Parker: How the hell did you know that?
 * Mother: Everybody knows that!
 * Mother: Is this another one of your silly puzzles?
 * Mr. Parker: Yeah, another one of my silly puzzles. This one could be worth fifty thousand bucks.
 * Mother: What is it this time?
 * Mr. Parker: Name the great characters in American literature.
 * Mrs. Parker: Victor?
 * Mr. Parker: Yeah.
 * Mrs. Parker: The Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?


 * Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm, but subtle.
 * Ralphie: Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store!
 * [Everyone stares at Ralphie]
 * Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.


 * Mrs. Parker: [from downstairs] Ralphie! Randy! Down here in two minutes! And I mean two minutes!
 * [Randy runs first to the drawer, and Ralphie pushes him aside]
 * Randy: Come on, Ralphie, I got here first!
 * Ralphie: Tough!
 * [Randy starts kicking and hitting Ralphie from behind while Ralphie is at the dresser pulling a pair of socks out of the drawer and finishes]
 * Ralphie: Cut it out! [He leaves to put his Boy's Life Red Ryder magazine in his mother's magazine in their room]


 * Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] A "C+"?! Oh, no! It can't be!
 * Ralphie: "C+"?
 * Miss Shields: [as the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz] C+! [cackling] C+!
 * [Ralphie looks down to see "P.S. You'll shoot your eye out!"]
 * Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Oh, no! "You'll shoot your eye out"?!
 * Ralphie: Oh, no.
 * Ralphie as Adult: My mother must've gotten to Miss Shields! There could be no other explanation!
 * Miss Shields and Mrs. Parker: [sing-song; Mrs. Parker dressed as a jester] You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out! [both laugh mockingly]
 * Ralphie as Adult: Was there no end to this conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his Peacemaker?!


 * Old Man: There we got it! [Laughs happily.]
 * [Mr. Parker accidentally flips the hubcap out of Ralphie's hands with the nuts in it]
 * Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Oh! For one brief moment, I saw all the bolts silhouetted against the lights of the traffic, and then they were gone.
 * Ralphie: Ohhh, fffffuuuuuudge.
 * Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Only I didn't say "fudge." I said THE word. The Big One, The Queen Mother of Dirty Words: The "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word.
 * Mr. Parker: [stunned] What did you say?
 * Ralphie: Uh, um--
 * Mr. Parker: That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. [Ralph hesitates] Go on.
 * Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] It was all over; I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.
 * [Ralphie gets into the car.]
 * Mrs. Parker: Everything go alright?
 * [Ralphie doesn't answer.]
 * Mr. Parker: [closes the trunk and checks his watch] Ah!
 * [Ralphie watches Mr. Parker gets into the car]
 * Mrs. Parker: 8 minutes.
 * Mr. Parker: You know what your son just said?
 * Mrs. Parker: No. What?
 * Mr. Parker: I'll tell you what he said. Randy?
 * [He inaudibly whispers the "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word in Mrs. Parker's ear, and she screams in shock.]
 * Mrs. Parker: [shocked] RALPHIE!
 * [Scene switches to the bathroom where Ralphie is sitting on the toilet with a bar of soap in his mouth. Mrs. Parker is standing in front of him]
 * Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Over the years, I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference is for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor; heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand--
 * Ralphie: [disgusted] Yuck!
 * Mrs. Parker: You ready to tell me?
 * Ralphie: [mumbles and nods his head.]
 * Mrs. Parker: [removes soap from his mouth] All right. Where did you hear that word?
 * Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Now, I had heard that word at least 10 times a day from my old man. My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But I chickened out, and I blurted out the first name that came to mind.
 * Ralphie: Schwartz!
 * Mrs. Parker: [suspiciously] Oh. I see. [puts soap back in Ralphie's mouth]
 * Ralphie: [screams with soap in his mouth]
 * Mrs. Parker: [dials Mrs. Schwartz] Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Um, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?
 * Mrs. Schwartz: [indistinguishable]
 * Mrs. Parker: No. He said... [inaudibly whispers what her son said into the phone]
 * Mrs. Schwartz: [through phone] No! Not THAT!
 * Mrs. Parker: Yes, that. Do you know where he heard it?
 * Mrs. Schwartz: [through phone] Probably from his father.
 * Mrs. Parker: No! He heard it from your son!
 * Mrs. Schwartz: What?! WHAT?!! WHAT?!! [is heard in the background smacking her son, and Mrs. Parker covers her mouth in shock.]
 * Schwartz: [screams] What'd I do, Mom?! What?! I didn't do nothin'! [Mrs. Parker winces as Schwartz screams and bawls over the phone]
 * Ralphie as Adult: [narrates] Another shot of mysterious, inexorable official justice.
 * Mrs. Parker: [takes soap of Ralphie's mouth.] Rinse out and go to bed. Ooh, am I glad you finished your homework this afternoon, 'cause I want you getting right into bed, and I don't want to see any lights on. You are being punished, so no comic-book-reading. I'm gonna come in there, and if there are any lights on-- [angrily] W-- Don't you give me that look; you're gonna get it! [the door closes off-camera, she sighs, curiously looks at the soap, and slowly puts it in her own mouth, then takes it out in disgust]] Ew! [spits into the sink]


 * [Ralphie is lying in bed, eyes open, his cheeks stained with tears, silently crying and thinking]
 * Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Three blocks away, Schwartz was getting his. There has never been a kid who didn't believe, vaguely but insistently, that he would be stricken blind before he reached twenty-one, and then they'd be sorry. [Ralphie’s bottom lip goes out.]
 * [Ralphie begins to imagine a scenario where he has gone blind, returning home with a cane and a pair of sunglasses, knocking on the door with the cane]
 * Mrs. Parker: Why, it's Ralph!
 * Mr. Parker: Well, come on in, Ralph. Where have you been?
 * Mrs. Parker: Why... he's carrying a cane!
 * Mr. Parker: What is it, Ralph? What happened?
 * Mrs. Parker: Why he's... blind!
 * Mr. Parker: Blind? Oh, my God!
 * Randy: Ralphie!
 * Mrs. Parker: Ralph, is this something WE did?
 * Mr. Parker: What brought you to this lowly state?
 * Mrs. Parker: Ralph, please tell us, no matter how it hurts. What did we DO?
 * Ralphie: Look, I can't.
 * Mrs. Parker: Oh, please, Ralph.
 * Mr. Parker: Please.
 * Mrs. Parker: I must know what we did. What brought you to this?!
 * Mr. Parker: Please.
 * Mrs. Parker: Please... Please?
 * Ralphie: It... it- it was...
 * Mrs. Parker: Yes? ...Yes?
 * Ralphie: Soap... poisoning! [The Old Man repeats it to himself quietly.]
 * [Mr. & Mrs. Parker begin wailing]
 * Mr. Parker: How could we do it?
 * Ralphie: Well, I'll manage to get along... somehow.
 * Mrs. Parker: I'll never forgive myself.
 * Ralphie: Thanks, Mom. [She nods.]
 * Mr. Parker: I told you not to use Lifebuoy! Oh, I feel awful!
 * [Ralphie smiles as his parents continue to wail. Back in reality, he smiles in bed.]


 * Shopper: Young man! Hey, kid! Just where do you think you're going?!
 * Ralphie: Going up to see Santa Claus.
 * Shopper: The line ends here. It begins there. [Points to the end of a very long line]


 * Santa Claus: How about a nice, uh... football?
 * Ralphie: [As narrator] Football? What's a football? Without conscious will my voice squeaked out "football".
 * Santa Claus: Okay, get him out of here.
 * Ralphie: [As narrator] A football!? Oh, no! What was I doing!? Wake up, stupid! Wake up!
 * Ralphie: [As child] NO! [climbs back up exit slide] No, no; I want an official Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot-range model air rifle! [smiles hopefully at Santa]
 * Santa Claus: You'll shoot your eye out, kid. Merry Christmas. Ho. Ho. Ho.
 * Ralphie: [smile fades to shock as Santa pushes Ralphie down the exit slide] NOOOOOO!!


 * Mr. Parker: That's fine. Now, wait a minute. All right. Pull her in!
 * Mrs. Parker: It is.
 * Mr. Parker: Well, the green string is out.
 * Mrs Parker: All right, boys. Upstairs.


 * Mr. Parker: [admiring Randy sleeping in the mess of gift wrap] My gosh, would you look at that mess? Who's going to clean the papers up?
 * Ralphie: Not me.
 * Mr. Parker: Oh, really? Randy did it last year.
 * Ralphie: Well, he can do it again.
 * Mr. Parker: You know, this wine ain't bad. You want a sip?
 * Ralphie: Yeah.
 * Mrs. Parker: No, you don't. Did you have a nice Christmas?
 * Ralphie: Yeah, pretty nice.
 * Mr. Parker: Yeah? Did you get everything you wanted?
 * Ralphie: [thinking about not getting the BB gun] Well, almost.
 * Mr. Parker: Almost, huh? Well, that's life. Well, there's always next Christmas.
 * Ralphie: Yep.
 * Mr. Parker: [feigns a surprised look] Hey. That's funny. What's that over there behind the desk?
 * Ralphie: Where?
 * Mr. Parker: Uh...behind the desk against the wall over there... Go check it out. Go on.
 * [Ralphie goes to the desk and pulls out a large present]
 * Mrs. Parker: What did we put over there, honey?
 * Mr. Parker: [stammers] Uh, Santa Claus probably put it.
 * Ralphie: [opens gift to see a Red Ryder BB gun] WOW!
 * [Mrs. Parker is not pleased at the sight of the BB gun]
 * Ralphie as an Adult [narrating] Oh it was beautiful, I could hardly wait to try it out.
 * Mr. Parker: [laughs] Do you know how to load it?
 * Ralphie: Yeah. [loads gun]
 * Mr. Parker: C-careful. They run all over. Close it up. Close it up.
 * Ralphie: [delighted] Can I...Can I try it out, Ma? Can I?
 * Mr. Parker: Sure.
 * Mrs. Parker: [reluctantly] Okay. But outside. Oh... I still say those things are dangerous. [Ralphie leaves] No, no! Put on your galoshes and your coat. It's cold out! [looks at Mr. Parker, not pleased]
 * Mr. Parker: But...I had one when I was eight years old.
 * Mrs. Parker: What if he hurts himself? Ralphie, your coat! Don't shoot any animals or birds.
 * Mr. Parker: Except the Bumpuses' dogs!
 * Mrs. Parker: Oh, hush. Be careful, Ralphie!


 * Ralphie: Ok, Black Bart now you get yours!
 * [In the backyard, Ralphie is aiming at a target with his new BB rifle. He shoots at the left side of the target; the force bounces off the target and hits his cheek, knocking him to the ground.]
 * Ralphie (as an adult): [narrating] Oh, my God! I shot my eye out!
 * Santa Claus: [in Ralphie's head] You'll shoot your eye out, kid.
 * Mrs. Parker and Miss Shields: [in Ralphie's head with a sing-song] You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out!
 * Santa Claus: [in Ralphie's head; at the same time] Ho ho ho!
 * Mrs. Parker: [from the kitchen while she's working on the turkey] Ralphie, you be careful out there! Don't shoot your eye out!
 * Ralphie (as an adult): [narrating] She hadn't seen! She didn't know! My eye's all right. The BB must've hit my glasses. [Removes his fingers and just sees blood.] My glasses! Oh, no! Where are my glasses?! Few things brought such swift and terrible retribution on a kid as a pair of busted glasses.
 * Mother: Stop!

( knife chattering )

( glasses crashing in the snowhill at once )


 * Ralphie: Oh, no!

( crying )

( door slams )


 * Father: What going on up there?


 * Randy: [opening his biggest gift] Wow! Whoopee! A zeppelin!
 * Mr. Parker: [Opening his gift, almost as happy] A can of Simoniz!


 * Ralphie (as an adult): Life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries when, our joy is at it's zenith, when, all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.
 * Mr. Parker: Oh, the turkey! Oh, my God! You sons of bitches! Bumpuses!

( crying starts )


 * Ralphie (as an adult): The heavenly aroma still hung heavy in the house, but, it was gone, all gone! No turkey, no turkey gravy, no turkey sandwiches, turkey hash, turkey a la king... or gallons of turkey soup! Gone! All gone!
 * Mr. Parker: All right. Everybody upstairs, get dressed. We are going out to eat.
 * Waiters in Chinese Restaurant: (singing) Deck the halls with boughs of horry, Fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra! 'Tis the season to be jorry, Fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra!
 * Lead Waiter: (To waiters) No, no, no! Not ra ra ra ra ra, la la la la la. Sing like this: (singing) Deck the halls with boughs of holly / Fa la la la la la la la la. (Speaking) Try again.
 * Waiters: (Singing) Deck the halls with boughs of horry...
 * Lead Waiter: No, no, no, stop! Sing something else.
 * Waiters: (Singing) Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sreigh!
 * Lead Waiter: No! Stop! Kitchen. Bring food. For customers.
 * Mr. Parker: Oh, yes, it's a beautiful duck. It's smiling at me.
 * Ralphie (as an adult): That Christmas would live in our memories as the Christmas when we were introduced Chinese turkey. All was right with the world.

( clock chiming )


 * Ralphie (as an adult): Next to me.

Trailer

 * Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho!
 * Ralphie: No!
 * Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho!
 * Father: ( misponouncing ) "Fra-gee-lay." That must be Italian.
 * Father: Oh, tonight!

(  laughs )


 * Mother: I think that says "fragile."


 * Boy Ow!


 * Ralphie: Yuck!
 * Father: Would look that?


 * Narrator: A Christmas story.
 * Women Elf: Come on!
 * Narrator: The movie that pulls off Santa beard.
 * Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho!
 * Father: Oh, wow!


 * Father: It's smiling at me.
 * Narrator: All American Christmas.

(  screams )


 * Narrator: A Christmas story.

Taglines

 * A Tribute to the Original, Traditional, One-Hundred-Percent, Red-Blooded, Two-Fisted, All-American Christmas...


 * Peace, Harmony, Comfort, And Joy... Maybe Next Year.


 * 'Tis Better To Give Than To Receive.

Cast
The Parker Family


 * Peter Billingsley - Ralphie Parker
 * Darren McGavin - Mr. Parker (The Old Man)
 * Melinda Dillon - Mrs. Parker
 * Ian Petrella - Randy Parker


 * Scott Schwartz - Flick
 * R.D. Robb - Schwartz
 * Yano Anaya - Grover Dill
 * Zack Ward - Scut Farcus
 * Tedde Moore - Miss Shields
 * Jean Shepherd - Narrator (Ralphie as an adult)
 * Bob Clark - Swede (uncredited)


 * John Wong - Chinese Father

Waiters


 * Johan Sebastian Wong - Waiter #1
 * Fred Lee - Waiter #2
 * Rocco Bellusici - Waiter #3

Mickey Mouse