A Zed & Two Noughts

A Zed and Two Noughts is a 1985 film about twin zoologists who lose their wives in a car accident and become obsessed with decomposing animals.
 * Written and directed by Peter Greenaway

Alba Bewick

 * In the land of the legless the one-legged woman is queen.


 * Imagine that, the body - in all its delicious detail - fading away leaving a skeleton with iron legs.

Oliver Deuce

 * Pregnant women are notoriously unreliable. Especially when they're trying to procure an abortion.

Dialogue

 * Oswald Deuce: How fast does a woman decompose?
 * Oliver Deuce: Six months, maybe a year? Depends on the conditions.
 * Oswald Deuce: Does being pregnant make any difference?
 * Oliver Deuce: No.
 * Oswald Deuce: And the baby?
 * Oliver Deuce: How far gone was she?
 * Oswald Deuce: Perhaps ten weeks.
 * Oliver Deuce: Then you'd never know.
 * Oswald Deuce: [long pause] I cannot stand the idea of her rotting away. [short pause] What is the first thing that happens?
 * Oliver Deuce: The first thing that happens is bacteria set to work in the intestine.
 * Oswald Deuce: What sort of bacteria?
 * Oliver Deuce: [matter-of-factly] Bicosis populi. There are supposed to be 130,000 bicoses in each lick of a human tongue; 250,000 in a french kiss. First exchanged at the very beginning of creation when Adam kissed Eve.
 * Oswald Deuce: Suppose Eve kissed Adam.
 * Oliver Deuce: Unlikely. She used her first 100,000 on the apple.


 * Alba Bewick: I am about to become a mother, and you are about to become a father... or fathers.
 * Oswald Deuce: You what?
 * Oliver Deuce: You are?
 * Alba Bewick: I am.
 * Oswald Deuce: Good lord.
 * Oliver Deuce: You can?
 * Alba Bewick: Of course! Is leglessness a form of contraception?
 * Oswald Deuce: I'm not sure.
 * Alba Bewick: You're not sure!
 * Oswald Deuce: I'm delighted!
 * Alba Bewick: You are delighted! [suspiciously] A pregnant cripple and you are delighted? Think of what it will do to my sense of balance!
 * Oswald Deuce: It might help! Give you more stability.
 * Alba Bewick: Then you recommend it? Recommendation's one thing. A womb on crutches is another.
 * Oliver Deuce: So... who's the father?
 * Alba Bewick: Well, well, well. Why don't you discuss it between yourselves?
 * Oliver Deuce: Why, don't you know?
 * Alba Bewick: Grand dieu! Does an animal behaviorist need to ask such questions? As far as I'm concerned, you both are.
 * Oswald Deuce: But you...
 * Alba Bewick: NO BUTS! [smiling] You're brothers, aren't you? What's a few spermatozoa among brothers!

Cast

 * Andréa Ferréol - Alba Bewick
 * Brian Deacon - Oswald Deuce
 * Eric Deacon - Oliver Deuce
 * Frances Barber - Venus de Milo
 * Joss Ackland - Van Hoyten
 * Jim Davidson - Joshua Plate
 * Agnes Brulet as Beta Bewick
 * Guusje Van Tilborgh - Caterina Bolnes
 * Gerard Thoolen - Van Meegeren
 * Ken Campbell - Stephen Pipe
 * Wolf Kahler - Felipe Arc-en-Ciel
 * Geoffrey Palmer - Fallast