Abbott Elementary

Abbott Elementary (2021–present) is an American school comedy, airing on ABC, about a group of teachers brought together in one of the worst public schools in the country, simply because they love teaching.

Pilot [1.01]

 * Janine: That is incredible, Ms. Howard. I can't wait to get on that level. Where is your class, by the way?
 * Barbara: Out in the hallway in a single file.
 * Janine: Really?
 * Barbara: Mm‐hmm.
 * Kindergartners: Good morning, Ms. Teagues!

Light Bulb [1.02]

 * Tariq: Mm‐hmm. Mm‐hmm.
 * Janine: I left that, uh, bill‐organizer thing on the fridge.
 * Tariq: Mm‐hmm. Yeah. I'll get to it.
 * Janine: Okay. Yeah, but, no, I was just thinking, like, you'd get to it kind of soon because my name's on the lease and we were already late on rent once.

Wishlist [1.03]

 * Janine: Huh. What thing?
 * Jacob: You know, that thing, where you look at something and you're like, "That's good."
 * Janine: Well, I'm adding a filter that's gonna rain glitter, so...
 * Jacob: That's not gonna compete with singing parrots. It just needs a little showmanship.
 * Janine: Well, I'm not a showman.

New Tech [1.04]

 * Will: "Failure is a feeling long before it becomes an actual result."
 * Ava: Mm. I know that's right.
 * Will: Can I have a break?
 * Ava: No, keep reading. It's just getting good.
 * Barbara: Mnh-mnh-mnh. Absolutely not. Let's go.
 * Ava: Come on, Barbara. You owe me an Audible membership.
 * [final lines]

Student Transfer [1.05]

 * Ava: Hey, girl.
 * Janine: Hey, Ava. You know I can't just leave my classroom unattended like this, right?
 * Ava: It's five minutes. It's not like something could go wrong in five minutes.
 * Janine: A lot can go wrong, actually.
 * Ava: If you say so. Anyway, one of Melissa's students will be transferring into your class.
 * Janine: Really? Why?
 * Ava: Girl, I don't know. Things happen all day. Maybe she wants to be closer to the bathroom. Maybe she like you more. Maybe she got some kind of Meek Mill-Drake feud going on with one of her classmates. I don't know.
 * Janine: Maybe she likes me better.

Gifted Program [1.06]

 * Barbara: My youngest, Gina... She participated in a young-engineers program. It did wonders for her.
 * Janine: Mm.
 * Barbara: Looks good on a college application, too.
 * Janine: Mm-hmm. Hey, Gregory, what do you think?
 * Gregory: Oh, I think I've been here for like five minutes, so I don't really have a say.

Art Teacher [1.07]

 * Janine: That is Ava. She's funny.
 * Sahar: Well, I'm so excited to be here. I cannot wait to collaborate.
 * Janine: Okay, let me go show you around. Come on.
 * Ava: Pulling off overalls? That's not easy.

Work Family [1.08]

 * Janine: You know, a lot of people are slow to warm to Tariq, but you guys get along so well. Maybe you should come out and get pizza with us this weekend.
 * Jacob: Oh, I can't. I'm busy on Saturday.
 * Janine: I didn't even say a date yet. W... Oh, I see what's happening. You don't want to be the third wheel.
 * Jacob: No.
 * Janine: No, don't worry. I actually know a great guy I want to set you up with.
 * Jacob: Uh, thanks, but I don't know how my boyfriend would feel about that.
 * Janine: Your what?
 * Jacob: My boyfriend.
 * Janine: You have a boyfriend? What's his name?
 * Jacob: Uh, Zach.
 * Janine: Zach? And how long have you two been dating?
 * Jacob: Like a year, plus another year.
 * Janine: Jacob, how did I not know any of this? You've never mentioned him. Well, actually, I guess I just answered my own question.
 * Jacob: I thought you knew. I mean, I could've swore I told you. My friends say I won't shut up about him.
 * Janine: Your friends? I thought we were friends.
 * Jacob: We are. Yeah, we're friends. We're just, you know...
 * Janine: "You know" what?
 * Jacob: W-Work friends. We don't talk about real deep stuff.
 * Janine: You told me when you got a tapeworm in Zimbabwe.
 * Jacob: Um, um, yeah, I was... I was trying to be helpful, in case you ever go to Africa. Look, work friends are still friends. They're just, like, friends in one place.
 * Janine: Well, I thought we were friends in all places.

Step Class [1.09]

 * Janine: Hey!
 * Melissa: Oh. I-I got... I got a conflict.
 * Janine: You don't know what it is yet. My class is putting on a step show next Friday. We made so much progress.
 * Barbara: Oh, we hear you in there, stomping the yard.
 * Melissa: Yeah, you sound like a regular Major Payne.
 * Janine: Yes, well, we are building something.
 * Barbara: I love a good step show. It's so good for the kids.
 * Janine: Right?
 * Ava: Who gave you permission to put this on my wall? Is this Comic Sans?

Open House [1.10]

 * Janine: Oh! Dig on me.
 * Taylor: Yes. Because, ultimately, she just wants me to be someone like you.
 * Janine: So... now is probably not a good time to talk about the parent-teacher con...
 * Barbara: No.
 * Janine: Okay. Right.

Desking [1.11]

 * Janine: We're going about this all wrong. You know you don't build a dam in the middle of a river, you build it before the water comes.
 * Jacob: That is so wise.
 * Ava: [simultaneously] What the hell are you talking about?


 * Melissa: So this Zack, he lives with you?
 * Jacob: Yeah he just moved in last month.
 * Melissa: And that's going...well?
 * Jacob: Yep! He's so great!
 * Ava: So he knew you and was like..."More?"
 * Jacob: Mmm...


 * Zack: [walking in and hugging Jacob] Hey there's my guy!
 * Ava: BLACK!?
 * Zack: It's actually pronounced "Zack." You must be Ava.
 * [Everyone gives Ava a look]
 * Ava: You were all thinking it. I see you, don't look at me like that!
 * Barbara: We always look at you like this.


 * Barbara: SWEET BABY JESUS AND THE GROWN ONE TOO!!! MY DESKS HAVE BEEN DESKED!!!

Ava vs. Superintendent [1.12]

 * Barbara: Even in a world where Ava could put together a competent presentation...
 * Melissa: Mm-hmm.
 * Barbara: ...it still does not change the fact that the Superintendent can't stand her and, by extension, us.
 * Melissa: The nerve on that guy.
 * Barbara: Yeah, well, maybe this will be the year where the school board finally awards me that Advancement Grant that I have been applying to for 10 years.
 * Melissa: They will if we make them. Just like a little... gentle arm-twisting.
 * Barbara: A little arm twist never hurt.

Zoo Balloon [1.13]

 * Children: Just like that!
 * Tariq: When I move, you move.
 * Children: Just like that!
 * Tariq: When I move, you move.
 * Children: Just like that!

Development Day [2.01]

 * Janine: After making many phone calls and pretending to slip on a beer can at the Flyers' arena, I've managed to get the only celebrity that matters to come surprise our kids on the first day of school. America's favorite orange, furry sweetheart, Flyers mascot, Gritty!
 * Melissa: Yes!
 * Janine: Yes!
 * Ava: You should've said that as soon as you stood up. No need for those other words you said. Yes, Janine!
 * Barbara: The kids are gonna love this.
 * Melissa: Yes!
 * Janine: I know, right?
 * Gregory: I don't get Gritty.


 * Together: Gritty! Oh!
 * Ava: Ain't he cool? Look at him picking that belly-button lint. Celebrities! They're just like us.
 * Mr. Johnson: Gritty! My man! Your mom doing all right?
 * Gritty: (squeaks)
 * Gregory: I get it now. I'm not not a fan.
 * Gritty: (squeaks)
 * [final lines]

Wrong Delivery [2.02]

 * Jacob: And it's been almost a year, okay? It is beyond time that they reboot "Spider-Man" again.
 * Janine: Yeah, you're right. I love it. But who can replace Tom Holland?
 * Melissa: I'll tell you who... That little magical cutie, that Harry Potter.
 * Gregory: Daniel Radcliffe?
 * Melissa: Yeah.

Story Samurai [2.03]

 * Janine: Ava, have you seen a... Is this you?
 * Ava: Oh. That must have fell in there by mistake. Mind your business.
 * Gregory: What you looking for?
 * Janine: Uh, I lost something.
 * Ava: What? Your sense of style? Ha ha! Up top!
 * Janine: No.
 * Ava: You a hater.
 * Gregory: What'd you lose?
 * Janine: Uh, it was a shawl that was in my classroom. It was my warmest one. I am so cold. [CHUCKLES]
 * Gregory: You think someone took it?
 * Janine: Who would just take a shawl?

The Principal's Office [2.04]

 * Janine: Really?
 * Melissa: Yeah. Oh, God. I'm gonna regret this, but... you just come to my place tonight.
 * Jacob: What time? I mean, can I come? I need you to help me with my wine pairings. Zach... he gets embarrassed when I ask the clerk for the, "second least expensive bottle."
 * Melissa: Well, I couldn't think of a reason why you can't quick enough, so yeah, I frickin' guess you can, buddy.
 * Janine: Yay.
 * Melissa: And we'll just get rid of that.
 * Janine: Whoa.

Juice [2.05]

 * Janine: Would you look at this? The kids love it, and the juice is flying off the trays.
 * Jacob: Yeah, maybe next year we could get real meat.
 * Janine: Mmm. Mm. What's that I taste? Is that the nectar of sweet victory? Yeah, the kids are having more juice, but less sugar, and they seem very happy.
 * Barbara: That's nice, dear.

Candy Zombies [2.06]

 * Erika: You brought "Trivial Pursuit."
 * Janine: Yes, and people had fun playing it in between illegal drinking. What are you doing here?
 * Erika: Oh, well, I guess my nephew's in your class. He's dressed as Baby Thanos. I'm helping my sister with drop off this week. How are you doing, though? I saw on Facebook you and Tariq broke up. He made a memorial page for your relationship and everything.
 * Janine: Yeah, I asked him not to do that. Um, but, yeah, I'm ... I'm doing fine. Just had to take a step back ...

Attack Ad [2.07]

 * Jacob: Psst! I think we might just be able to nip this commercial in the bud. Melissa called in a favor.
 * Janine: And now you've made me an accessory.
 * Jacob: She's got a friend who's a lawyer.
 * Janine: Oh, fun. Okay.
 * Jacob: Yeah.
 * Student: Mr. F. A. D. E.!
 * Tariq: Aw, yeah.

Egg Drop [2.08]

 * Janine: Yeah, they do. It's crazy.
 * Mr. Morton: Uh, my eighth-grade students and I will need the gym and a safety ladder next week.
 * Gregory: For a dunk contest?
 * Mr. Morton: No. We'll be doing the egg drop. Appreciate it if everyone can bring any eggs that they can spare.

Sick Day [2.09]

 * Ava: Well, sounds like you got it all out. I'll see you in an hour.
 * Janine: Oh, no. Wait. I think, um ... I think I might, uh ... I don't think I'm gonna be able to come in today.
 * Ava: So dramatic. Next time, start with that.
 * Janine: Look, I have a binder I keep for subs. It has ev...
 * Ava: Venus, call in a sub for Ms. Teagues' class. Preferably male. 6'2 ", 6'3" in boots. A Gregory Eddie type. Headshots if you got 'em.
 * Venus: Ava, there's a county-wide sub shortage. It was in the memo the district sent last week.
 * Ava: What? I have no record of that.
 * Venus: It says, "Attention Principal Coleman. Urgent. Must Read."
 * Ava: They all say that.

Holiday Hookah [2.10]

 * Gregory: You don't want to stick around to see if Barbara drinks enough fun punch to do the heel­ toe?
 * Janine: Oh, no, I definitely do. But, um, I'm meeting Erika. So, I gotta go get ready.
 * Gregory: Oh. Leaving a school function early? That's new.
 * Janine: It is new. I am having a life outside of school.
 * Gregory: Well, that's nice. I'm also going out with some friends tonight.
 * Janine: Okay, cool. Well... I hope you have a good time, and enjoy your break.
 * Gregory: Yeah. You, too.
 * Janine: Yeah.

Read-A-Thon [2.11]

 * Melissa: Slide Babar into a Ziploc bag. Now, listen, Ms. Teagues thinks that her class can outread you, but that ain't gonna happen. So what time is it?
 * Children: Game time!
 * Melissa: That's right. Deja, Levi, Bryana, come on up here for a second. Alright, listen up. You three are very strong readers, so I'm gonna need a lot of pages from you. Can you handle it?
 * Deja: We got this, Ms. Schemmenti.
 * Melissa: Alright! That's my girl. Go get 'em, kids.
 * Mya: I'm gonna read more books than anyone.
 * Levi: Yeah, right.
 * Melissa: Levi, Mya's gonna do her best, alright? Just like everybody else.

Fight [2.12]

 * Janine: What was that?
 * Gregory: Nothing.
 * Janine: Did I see your last name on it?
 * Gregory: It's a flier for my dad's landscaping company.
 * Janine: Aww. Uh, is that your brother?
 * Gregory: No, I'm actually an only child, but apparently appearing to be a family business help: bring in customers.
 * Janine: That's... Sorry, so your... Your dad, he hired an actor to play his son instead of just asking you?
 * Gregory: Yeah.
 * Janine: I think I'm confused.
 * Gregory: You're not.
 * Ava: Well, he fine. Can I have your fake brother's real number? I'd like to climb that family tree.

Fundraiser [2.13]

 * Passerby: No, thank you.
 * David: Ms. Teagues, people aren't paying attention to us.
 * Janine: Don't give up yet, David. Sometimes you just got to put on a little show, you know, so that they can't ignore us, right?
 * Student: Excuse... Excuse me, ma'am.
 * Janine: It's not the most current dance, but, uh, I do it really well, so...
 * David: Hello, sir. May I interest you in some delicious candy?
 * Maurice: Hell no. Good luck with your fake basketball team, though.

Valentine's Day [2.14]

 * Janine: Hey.
 * Ayesha: Hey.
 * Janine: Hey. Happy birthday.
 * Jacob: Happy birthday, Ayesha!
 * Janine: That's my friend, Jacob.
 * Jacob: Great to meet you!
 * Ayesha: Yeah, nice to meet you, too.

Fire [2.15]

 * Melissa: Single-file line, most flammable kids first, and remember... no running!
 * Ava: Everybody out! This is a real fire in the teachers' lounge! This is a real fire! This is not a drill! Hootie-hoo!
 * Janine: Wait, Ava, where are you going?!
 * Ava: I'm protecting my peace. The firefighters are almost here. Y'all got it!
 * Janine: Okay, real fire.
 * Gregory: Um, okay, um... A-Alright, two, three, four, five.
 * Janine: You guys up. Turn that way.

Teacher Conference [2.16]

 * Amber: Hey!
 * Gregory: Hey.
 * Amber: Ooh. The weekend couldn't get here fast enough. Work was a lot this week. Very excited for a breather.
 * Gregory: I can't wait to show you what I have planned. We have snowshoeing, a coal jewelry workshop, and tree-ventures just to start.
 * Amber: I thought we were gonna be, like, relaxing... in a hot tub.
 * Gregory: We are, after the firewood harvesting forum.
 * Amber: Seems like you have a lot planned.
 * Gregory: That's the best way to relax... On a strict schedule.
 * Amber: Okay. Oh, boy. Okay. So, um, I don't think we're on the same page... again.
 * Gregory: Well, I'm on page nine. Where you at?
 * Amber: Gregory, put the book away. It's not really a book, but okay. I don't wanna do any of this.
 * Gregory: What do you want to do?
 * Amber: Nothing. I wanna do nothing.
 * Gregory: Okay. I hear you. I think I can schedule in some nothing time after the snow hike.
 * Amber: We need to talk.
 * Student: Damn.

Mural Arts [2.17]

 * Barbara: I hope this isn't another assembly about a new e-mail system. I am not doing two-step verification. They can just hack me.
 * Melissa: They did hack you. Remember when your account sent out all that pornography?
 * Barbara: I do not.
 * Melissa: Okay.
 * Janine: Hey. Is that seat taken? 'Cause I can stand. It builds chair-acter.

Teacher Appreciation [2.18]

 * Barbara: I know. I was like, "Mm!"
 * Melissa: You don't have to make a decision. Well?
 * Gregory: Well, what?
 * Melissa: What's with the hat?
 * Gregory: Oh, this? It's nothing.
 * Barbara: It's the loudest nothing I ever saw.
 * Mr. Johnson: Boy, you just can't mosey in here with a brand-new hat and act like you're not wearing brand-new hat.

Festival [2.19]

 * Janine: Here it is. Item number seven of next week's school board meeting. "A proposal to transition Abbott Elementary into a Legendary Charter School for the 2023-24 school year."
 * Jacob: Times New Roman, the most decisive of the fonts.
 * Melissa: Well, I guess that's it. Draemond goes to the school board, we become a charter.
 * Jacob: This is horrible. I can't be a charter teacher. I-I don't have the wardrobe for it.
 * Gregory: School district's gonna hang us out to dry yet again. Can't we call the teacher's union or something?
 * Melissa: All they can do is help us find a job at another public.

Educator of the Year [2.20]

 * Janine: Hey.
 * Gregory: Hey.
 * Melissa: Ugh! Disgusting.
 * Janine: Alright. Wow, we're just not biting our tongues anymore? This is vintage.
 * Melissa: Okay, no. There's a green bubble on the group chat.
 * Gregory: I have an iPhone, but I left the group chat after Mr. Johnson started that soup thread.
 * Jacob: Uh, it's me, okay? I-I got a new phone. A droid.
 * Janine: Wait, there's a group chat?

Mom [2.21]

 * Barbara: Feeling under the weather?
 * Vanetta: It's cold and flu season somewhere.
 * Barbara: Well, I'm sure that's true. Lovely of you to come by and see Janine at work. It meant so much to her. She talks about you all the time.
 * Vanetta: Can you believe she's never invited me here before?
 * Barbara: I really can't. You've raised a wonderful daughter. I hope you're extremely proud.
 * Vanetta: I am. You know, she's a Penn grad. Her sister, on the other hand... well, you win some, you lose some.
 * Barbara: I have had the great pleasure of watching Janine grow so much. I mean, this year alone, working for her students and on herself, building up the confidence and the money to treat herself to a much-needed vacation.

Franklin Institute [2.22]

 * Gregory: Huh?
 * Maurice: Wait, wait, wait. So, for clarity, you don't think you were being selfish?
 * Janine: No.
 * Maurice: Oh, so it's normal for you to invite a guy to his favorite barbecue restaurant just to break up with him in front of his friend who you kissed but didn't actually date?
 * Janine: I didn't think of it that way.
 * Maurice: Yeah. It stung a little bit, but it's all good. I, too, become selfish sometimes. For example, I'm ghosting this girl right now. You know, she thinks I'm dead, but this convo, it inspired me to reach out to her, send her a text. I wouldn't want to hurt her.

Career Day, Part 1 [3.01]

 * Barbara: They're not all bad.
 * Jacob: I think they're cool.
 * Ava: Mnh.
 * Gregory: I actually like them this year.
 * Melissa: Shocking.
 * Ava: I don't know. I feel like they've been unequivocally and universally worse than they've ever been. From unhelpful to unbearable.
 * Janine: Good morning, Abbott Elementary!

Career Day, Part 2 [3.02]

 * Melissa: Yeah. Okay, class, uh... Ms. Schemmenti's gonna step outside for a sec. Guys, watch 'em, okay?
 * Janine: Oh, you guys don't have to do that.
 * Jalen Hurts: Heads down, thumbs up. Time to play seven up!
 * Janine: They actually listened. Have you ever considered teaching?
 * Jalen Hurts: Uh... y'all hiring? I mostly work on Sundays.

Gregory's Garden Goofballs [3.03]

 * Barbara: Good morning. Good morning. (Gasps) Good morning.
 * Tariq: Good morning Mrs. Howard.
 * Barbara: Tariq.
 * Tariq: Huh?
 * Barbara: What are you doing here? Janine's down at the district now.
 * Tariq: Dang, she moved to D.C.?
 * Barbara: And take your presumably sticky hands off of my student.
 * Tariq: You mean take my definitely sticky hands off of my son.
 * Barbara: To quote Maury Povich, you are not the father.
 * Tariq: And to quote the hip-hop legend Shaquille O'Neal, his biological didn't bother. See, I've been dating his mama for like seven weeks, so technically, I'm a stepdaddy right now. Ain't that right, Tariq Jr.?

Smoking [3.04]

 * Melissa: Mm.
 * Melissa and Captain Robinson: Childhood.
 * Captain Robinson: Nah, but this is a real problem.
 * Gregory: Mm-hmm.
 * Janine: Yeah.
 * Melissa: Oh, yeah, absolutely. Where did you even get a cigarette?
 * Ava: Yeah, what you, a French child?
 * Curtis: The guy around the corner sold it to me for a dollar.
 * Ava: A dollar? Inflation is crazy. But you are in big trouble, because cigarettes are banned.
 * Curtis: Not on any of the signs I saw.
 * Jacob: What?

Breakup [3.05]

 * Mr. Johnson: We used to be the Three Musketeers. But now I'm one musketeer, and they're just two, that don't invite me to things.


 * Ava: Ooh, ooh.

Willard R. Abbott [3.06]

 * Jacob: Look, guys, I don't know. She just said she's dropping by with a special surprise.


 * Melissa: Yeah. Plus this is Philly. I mean, you can't hock a loogie without hitting something historic around here.

Librarian [3.07]

 * Barbara: I just don't feel good about you giving out your address to strangers online. It's not safe.


 * Barbara: You and Jacob living together is I know it's God's will, but he's gotten awfully creative.

Panel [3.08]

 * Barbara: Give me the ball. Three, four, five. And shoot!


 * Tariq: Alright. Well, uh, that's gonna bring Abbott's score to a negative-2 at the bottom of the first, y'all. Educator of the year, folks. Ugh. We are not just losing. We are getting smoked. You cannot lose a panel. This is like every other panel that's ever existed.

Alex [3.09]

 * Janine: As you all know, my fellowship at the district is coming to an end.
 * Ava: Ooh, girl, don't remind me. My doomsday countdown clock is set to the day that you're back.
 * Janine: Stop.


 * Gregory: You know, we make a really good team.
 * Janine: Yeah, we do.

2 Ava 2 Fest [3.10]

 * Ava: We all know the real reason you came back is to see Questlove.
 * Janine: Ava, Questlove is not coming here.


 * Ava: Ava Fest, on the other hand, is going to be special. I just have to come up with a way to take it over the top. A way to make it unhinged.
 * Melissa: Have you ever tried just being hinged?


 * Emily: There will be cake, there will be fun.
 * Simon: There will be blood oaths!

Double Date [3.11]

 * Ava: I have an exciting announcement, Abbott. Today is the long-anticipated return of one of our faves, cinnamon buns in the cafeteria.


 * Students: Good morning.
 * Janine: Hey, Alex.


 * Barbara: Book club was Ava's idea.

Mother's Day [3.12]

 * Man: Make some noise!


 * Vanetta: Hey, girl.


 * Mr. Johnson: Barbers. I hate 'em. Who do you think did this to me?

Smith Playground [3.13]

 * Melissa: Look at 'em. Those Liberty kids keep cutting our kids in line.


 * Jacob: She was being rude. I get it now.

Party [3.14]

 * Ava: Last but not least.

<hr width=50%>
 * Janine: Where is it?!

<hr width=50%>
 * Barbara: I am the captain now!

Cast

 * Quinta Brunson - Janine Teagues
 * Tyler James Williams - Gregory Eddie
 * Janelle James - Ava Coleman
 * Lisa Ann Walter - Melissa Schemmenti
 * Chris Perfetti - Jacob Hill
 * Sheryl Lee Ralph - Barbara Howard
 * William Stanford Davis - Mr. Johnson

Guest Stars

 * Gritty - Gritty