Achewood

Achewood is a comic written and illustrated by Chris Onstad. It debuted on October 1, 2001

2001

 * Teodor: Philippe is standing on it.
 * Philippe is standing on it


 * Philippe: Lie Bot, what is the saddest thing?
 * Lie Bot, what is the saddest thing
 * Bloopers and outtakes
 * Lie Bot: Saddest Thing: redux
 * Saddest Thing Tri-reduxtastic
 * Saddest Thing IV

2002

 * Ray: But Pat, The Cure is silly! It is silly to like The Cure!
 * Pat: Oh there you go, joinin' in, just like always! I guess friends DON'T change!
 * Ray: No, really! They are really silly people!  Stop listening to them!
 * Pat: What the... why the hell you care so much?
 * Beef: They suck pretty bad huh Ray
 * Ray: That's Right, Roast Beef! Say, how you doin'?
 * Beef: Pretty good now that I am 239,000 miles from The Cure
 * Roast Beef Sometimes


 * Ray: EVERYBODY DANCE LIKE THERE'S ASS IN YOUR PANTS! ASS IN YOUR PANTS, ASS IN YOUR PANTS!
 * ASS IN YOUR PANTS

2003

 * Ray: Dang, Beef! This ain't no regular hangover!  This is the big one!  I...I'm talkin' physical therapy!  Wheelchairs and stuff!  Speakin' at high schools!
 * (Alt-text): i...am...here...to tell you not to get a hangover
 * Hangover Therapy


 * Pat: What's it like to...what's it like to kill someone, Pete?
 * Nice Pete: It's kind of like
 * Nice Pete: It's kind of like playin' a basketball game
 * Nice Pete: I am there
 * Nice Pete: and the other player is there
 * Nice Pete: and it's just the two of us
 * Nice Pete: and I put the other player's body in my van
 * Nice Pete: and I am the winner
 * Killing is Like Basketball


 * Nightlife: Whoah, don't get any ideas, muchacho amigo. My foie gras looks like a damn Brillo pad.
 * Artificial Japanese Liver


 * Note to consumers: 68% of "McAfrica" pita sandwiches test positive for HIV.
 * Philippe at Berlin McDonald's


 * Robert Johnson: You are a hoot and a holler Ray Smuckles
 * Robert Johnson Ocular Shenanigans


 * Beef: We cracked into a case of Blue Nun Widemouths at like 3 AM last night
 * Beef: What was that
 * Beef: Heh heh that's right
 * Beef: "The wine so bad it made the news"
 * Blue Nun Widemouths

2004

 * Beef: Hey there Jackie D
 * Beef: Tuck me in and be my breakfast
 * Tuck Me In Jack Daniels


 * Pat: Mexican people take too long gettin' in and out of cars!
 * Host: Really? I don't think I've ever--
 * Pat: Don't you lie to me! How many times have you sat and waited while some Mexican was gettin' into a car, actin' like the world was his oyster?!
 * Pat is quick to generalize


 * Beef: I wonder if there's a college study that shows how exposing my generation to Three's Company set gender relations back approximately 715 years
 * Beef is not Lenny Kravitz


 * Beef: OH I AM YOUR MOM AND I JUST TOOK YOU TO SCHOOL IN THE CAR OF PAIN
 * Beef: SAY IT
 * Judi Dench's Three Pound Underwear

2005

 * Teodor: He'd murder dead things if science would let him.
 * The Great Wayans Brother Cookbook Issue


 * Ray: Teodor, man! We need a logo for our new joint company! Come help us out, doggie!
 * Teodor (phone): They any sluts up ins?
 * Ray: What? Are there any sluts at my house?
 * Teodor (phone): 'Cause you know I ain't never go nowhere 'less they be mad sluts at that place!
 * Ray: Hey, you can make fun of me all in your corny deep voice, or you can get in on the ground floor of this thing.
 * Teodor (phone): Hode on, I got to tip the little Panama boy what vacuums my dropped gerunds out the bottom of the Escalade. Chocolate love, all.
 * (Alt-text): Never go nowhere 'less they be mad sluts at that place.
 * Lyle and Ray's Perfect Jays


 * Ray: Oh god oh shit oh no! Fuck man, why they got to do a thing?
 * Dinner with Cartilage Head

2006

 * Ray: I have Airwolf. I'm just seein' if there's anything I can do to help my guys.
 * Teodor: I'm not sure what you mean. I don't know if what you're saying means anything.
 * Ray: I have Airwolf. This is not code language. I am flying Airwolf because I own Airwolf. Nothing else I could say would make more sense given what I own and what I am doing at this moment.
 * Ray has Airwolf


 * Little Nephew: You're going to send me to get my ass kicked by a guy who trained himself to be a Marine by jumping off his roof onto a trampoline, aren't you?
 * The Mike Stonetower School


 * Ray: Jesus Christ, already! I'm afraid to buy a new dish sponge 'cause I might win a phone call from INXS! Man, I ain't got nothin' to say to those guys!
 * Please Fuck Ray Friday


 * Ray: Emeril food! Now!  Why come ain't nobody stuffing a lasagna inside a turkey?  Where's the butter?  Put butter on what I said!
 * Ray Walks Home From Mexico

2007

 * Ray: You know me, dude. I'm straighter than John Wayne voting for Reagan on a horse.  Somebody says I'm gay, I'll just sit here bein' straight, and they'll be wrong.
 * The Gay Porn/Moonwalk Analogy


 * Pat: Teodor! Did you know it takes three acres of grain to produce one pound of beef?
 * Teodor: Fuck you, Pat. Three acres of grain tastes terrible with a baked potato.
 * Fuck You Friday - Pat Edition


 * Cornelius: I have a sneaking suspicion you take your alarmist medical parameters from the same commercial insurance literature that classifies Elijah Wood as morbidly obese.
 * Cornelius: Fuck along, now.
 * Fuck You Friday - Pat Edition


 * Ray: HEY! Don't you do cocaine at ME, you son of a bitch!
 * Philippe's 5th Birthday Party


 * Ray: YOU WANT TO BE NINETEEN?! GO AHEAD!
 * Ray: YOU JUST STAY THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYBODY'S FACE UNTIL YOU GOT THE FUCKIN' JUICE TO GET A JOB WHERE THEY GIVE YOU A CHAIR !
 * Fuck You Friday September Twenty-First


 * Ray: Because I pay attention. I PAY ATTENTION. You didn't know I was paying attention because you weren't PAYING ATTENTION.
 * Ray: When I was a kid, a teacher told me to pay attention. I guess I took it to heart.
 * Ray: Beats me, man. Beats me why most dudes suck. Sure as hell ain't my scene.
 * Pay Attention

2008

 * Beef: Disneyland was wall to wall five-hundred-pound mongoloids with leg tattoos and kids named Desteny
 * Knuckleheads Magic Adventure


 * Beef: Hm maybe get some medical insurance
 * Beef: I mean I don't want to seem all cocky and falutin' so maybe just a real basic plan where like if I die they put me in a coffin
 * Wealth Intervention


 * Cornelius: When we do make the beast with two backaches, our onomatopoeia is less "ooh" and "aah" than "crack" and "help."
 * The Last Time You Make Love

2009

 * Ramses: Now, I don't ever want to see you again unless it's in a coffin
 * Ramses: You see that Falcon, you best jump right in the nearest coffin you hear me
 * Ramses: I ain't care if it's your birthday and yo' mama needs the coffin 'cause she's dead
 * The Pocket Dial.


 * Welshman: IF I AM A PILGRIM TO GOMORRAH, THEN I AM A PILGRIM TO GOMORRAH, BUT JUDGE ME NOT 'TIL YE ALSO HAVE SURRENDERED TO THE BLADE OF ECSTASY THAT IS THE NACHO CHIP!
 * Romanticized Sketch of the Birth of the Nacho.

Alternate Text

 * Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets of Zyrelax.
 * Piss Shiver
 * Llewellyn Ash knows that You are capable of Wonderful Things.
 * Llewellyn Ash, baby
 * Roast Beef's hang-up is actually a fantasy for many men
 * Burritos/Oral Sex
 * Patronize your local fast food cart
 * Pat is quick to generalize
 * Smoking Mr. Gary's pole is so beautiful.
 * Pat is on the radio again!
 * 750 dudes with Tron pillows go Oh, No Wonder.
 * Beef is not Lenny Kravitz
 * It is pretty hard to tell a nine-year old child that they are dead. It is pretty sad.
 * Charlie Brown, you died