All in the Family/Season 1


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All in the Family (1971–1979) was a groundbreaking television sitcom starring Carroll O'Connor as Archie Bunker and Jean Stapleton as Edith. Airing on the CBS television network, the show finished at number one in the Nielsen ratings for five consecutive years (1971–1976), a record it shared with The Cosby Show until American Idol passed it in the 2000s.

"Writing the President" [1.02]

 * Archie: I need a beer here, Edith.
 * Edith: What do you want, bottle or can?
 * Archie: We never buy bottles.
 * Edith: Then I'll bring you a can.
 * Archie: Dingbat.


 * (Edith is about to give the nun a donation at the door)
 * Archie: No more than half a buck. No matter what they tell you; most of what they get, they buy golden candlesticks with.


 * (Text of letter Archie writes to President Nixon):


 * Dear Mr. President, Your Honor, Sir:


 * I personally don't agree with all the contegration on the college campuses. Or them ecology nuts, who only see disaster in this great country of ours.  But like "Duke" Wayne would say, "We came off the mat before when the going was tough."  And I know that, so long as we all work together, this nation under God shall not diminish from the earth.


 * Anyway, my regards to your vice, Mr. Agnew. And special regards to Mrs. Nixon, and Tricia, who I know you wouldn't let drink no water, exceptin' the best.

"Oh, My Aching Back" [1.03]

 * Gloria: Ma, anything interesting happen to you today? Edith: Actually, something interesting did happen today. Oh no, that was yesterday.


 * Archie (addressing Mike): Poland. The land that gave us rare and delicate dishes such as? Gloria: Polish sausage is very good.
 * Archie: You ought to know, you married one.


 * Mr. Rabinowitz: In a court of law, you can't beat a station wagon filled with nuns!

"Archie Gives Blood" [1.04]

 * Edith: (Archie) never trusted doctors. I think it's because he don't like to pay them.

"Judging Books by Covers" [1.05]

 * Archie: Did you bring these things (cashews) into the house?
 * Edith: Probably. Archie: What do you mean "probably?"
 * Edith: I mean, probably I did.
 * Archie: But "probably you did" could also mean "probably you didn't." That's the way it is with a word like "probably"... right?
 * (Pause) Edith: Probably.


 * Mike: You know, I don't think there's one thing about us you agree with.
 * Archie: I agree with that.

"Gloria Has a Belly Full" [1.06]

 * Archie: I wake up on a Saturday morning, I'm all alone. There's no note, no nothing.  There's nobody here.
 * Edith: Mike was home.
 * Archie: Like I said, there was nobody here.


 * Archie: You give my daughter a baby, and you can't even support a goldfish.


 * Lionel: What we do is take all our spray cans and shove them into special shelves. So what you could do is... shove yours.
 * (pause)
 * Archie: You know, a guy could take that two ways.
 * Mike: Yeah, but knowing Lionel, he probably only meant it one way.
 * Archie: Yeah, he's a good kid.


 * Edith: With all the money you pay them, can't the doctors help themselves?

"Now That You Know the Way, Let's Be Strangers" [1.07]

 * Mike: ... I happen to be very proud of my Polish heritage.
 * Archie: What heritage? You come from a long line of bowling teams.
 * Mike: Yeah? And you come from a long line of boneheads!
 * Archie: Huh?
 * Mike: You think with your mind closed!
 * Archie: And you eat with your mouth open!
 * Mike: You know you are totally incomprehensible?
 * Archie: Maybe so, but I make a lot of sense!


 * Archie: What is that smell?
 * Gloria: Paul is burning incense. I think it's nice.
 * Archie: It smells like a house of ill refute!

"Lionel Moves into the Neighborhood" [1.08]

 * Mike: In today's society, if something doesn't work, you throw it out.
 * Archie: Well, you don't work, maybe we'd better throw you out.


 * Gloria: Oh Daddy, didn't they have any good weather when you were growing up?
 * Archie: I don't remember none.
 * Mike: I think they invented good weather around 1940.
 * Edith: Oh, I remember some sunny days.
 * Archie: That must have been before we met.

"Edith's Jury Duty" [1.09]

 * (Archie reads a newspaper article referring to one juror holding out on a case.)
 * Archie: "Lone juror." They should have said "lone dingbat".

"Archie Is Worried About His Job" [1.10]

 * (Archie finds out that his job has been spared)
 * Archie: What do you mean, 'Congratulations.' You don't have to congratulate me for nothing. See, there's nothing happening to me, you'd think I'm Lazarus rising from the bed.

"Gloria Discovers Women's Lib" [1.11]

 * Archie: You people involved, Lionel, with that women's liberation?
 * Lionel: No, not too much. You see, we're still working on plain old liberation.

"Success Story" [1.12]

 * (Mike, Gloria, and Edith are stuffing envelopes; Archie reads the letter being inserted)
 * Archie:"Queens Free Clinic. A place for the high school dropout, the teenage runaway, that will produce free food, free medical attention, free treatment for VD." VD.  Do you know what that means, Edith?
 * Edith:VD? No, wait, don't tell me.  I know it's someone's initials.
 * Archie:Well, you ask a dingbat a question, you get a dingbat answer.
 * Edith:I better go look at the stew. (She leaves)
 * Gloria:Daddy, I don't what this fuss is about. They have clinics like this all over the country.
 * Archie:Why should them dropouts get anything free? When I was a kid, you had to be in the Army to get free shots for VD.
 * Mike:Don't worry, Arch. I'm sure the Army still gets their share of the action.
 * (Edith returns)
 * Edith:I keep thinking it has something to do with flags and parades and things.
 * Gloria:What did, Ma?
 * Edith:I know, VD Day.


 * (Archie and Mike are talking about the benefits of the USA)
 * Archie: They got the greatest country in the world here. The highest standard of living.  The grossest national product.

"The First and Last Supper" [1.13]

 * Archie: These colored people are always trying to use a social situation to raise their station.
 * Mike: That's right. And using you's gonna launch them right into Cafe Society!


 * Archie: Every picture I've seen of God, he's white.
 * Henry: Well, maybe you were looking at the negative!
 * Archie: Let's try to talk intelligent, huh?