American Dad! (season 1)


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The following is a list of quotes from the first season American Dad!

Pilot [1.01]

 * Stan Smith: Francine, you be careful when out there today; we're at terror alert orange! Which means something could go down somewhere in some way at some point in time, SO LOOK SHARP!
 * Hayley Smith: You know, Dad, it's great that you and your CIA buddies have made up some fun little way to keep the masses paralyzed in fear.
 * Stan Smith: You like shaving your armpits, Hayley? Huh? 'Cause if the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go! [the toaster pops up its products and Stan quickly takes out his gun and shoots it numerous times, destroying the toaster and nearly the toast]
 * Hayley Smith: [staring at Stan in shock with the rest of the family] It's just toast, Dad.
 * Stan Smith: This time it was toast, Hayley...This time!
 * Beth: Stan, This one will for you. [claims the shot-up toast]


 * Steve Smith: All periods will now be called Steves.
 * [shift to a classroom scene]
 * Boy #1: [to another boy] Hey, I'm thinking of cutting third Steve, you in?
 * Boy #2: Yeah, as long as I'm back by fourth Steve.
 * Teacher: [to class] So, if it's a statement, it should always be followed by a Steve.
 * Girl: Mr. Phillips, may I be excused? I'm having my Steve.

Threat Levels [1.02]

 * Steve: I can't believe I'm gonna die a virgin.
 * Francine: Aw, sweetie, there was a 70-80% chance of that happening, anyway.


 * Francine: This is a wonderful starter home. I've been saving it for a couple just like you.
 * Woman: Pretty soon, we're gonna be more than a couple.
 * Francine: Oh, congratulations! I just thought you were fat.
 * Woman: We're adopting.

Stan Knows Best [1.03]

 * (Stan is yelling at Hayley for dying her hair green and going to an Independent Party rally)
 * Stan: You missed family game night for that?! Go wash it out; you look like a slutty wad of money.
 * Hayley: No way!
 * Stan: [quickly reassembles, points gun at Hayley] Yes way!
 * Beth: Stan!
 * Stan: She started it!


 * Stan: How could you let Hayley do this?!
 * Jeff: Do what?
 * Stan: Don't play dumb! You know she's stripping. Showing people her Ho Hos, her Ding Dongs, her Suzie Q's, her...her...uh...aw, God, what...what are those called...? Those little, uh... pink with coconut...? They're really good....
 * Jeff: Her Sno-Balls?
 * Stan: You bastard!

Francine's Flashback [1.04]

 * Stan: This midnight fishing is great.
 * Avery: Sounds to me like someone doesn't want to go home.
 * Stan: Yeah, I'm laying low. Today is the anniversary of a huge fight me and Francine got into last year.
 * Stan's coworker: Yeah? What about?
 * Stan: Oh, I forgot our anniversary. [his coworkers look at him in realisation] I'm never gonna do that again!
 * Coworker: I...
 * [Avery silences him. Stan takes a swig of his beer and sighs contentedly. He takes another drink... and then the penny drops]
 * Stan: [screams]
 * Avery: There it is!


 * Bill Pullman: Has your loved one's memory been irretrievably lost? Hi. I'm forgettable actor Bill Pullman. You might not remember me from such movies as "While You Were Sleeping" and "Twister". Wait, was I in "Twister"? No, no that was Bill Paxton. See? Memory can be pretty tricky. So that's why if you tell your loved one what's happened to them, their brain will implode. Good luck. I'm Bill Pullman. Oh, oh, I was also in Independence D... [TV turns off]
 * Stan: Jeff Daniels is right.

Roger Codger [1.05]

 * Stan: Nobody threatens my family. Now, get out of the way or I'll shoot you all.
 * Hayley: Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.


 * Beth: Hayley, why don't you say grace?
 * Hayley: I'll pass.
 * Steve: Come on, you pray all the time when Jeff comes over. "Oh God! Oh God!"
 * Stan: [clearly not understanding or ignoring the innuendo] Yes, yes, she's very devout.

Homeland Insecurity [1.06]

 * Stan: Well, if you're ever taken hostage by, say, a neighbor, and you end up on Al Jazeera, just blink your coordinates in Morse code, like this [blinks quickly as an example] and I'll have a bomb dropped on your location.
 * Steve: But then I'd be dead.
 * Stan: Oh, c'mon, sport, there are plenty of kids in heaven to play with. Your cousin Billy. That little girl from Poltergeist....Well she must be at least sixteen by now. You could totally hit that!


 * [Francine is pointing a gun at Stan to get him to release their neighborhood from their backyard]
 * Beth: Let 'em go, Stan! It's been a fun ride, but it's over!
 * Stan: Oh, not this old bit. You point a gun at me, I pretend I'm gonna do what you say, then I pull out my gun, we do our little John Woo standoff, inevitably your arm gets tired [Francine's arm starts to shake], then you drop your gun and we have nobody-got-shot sex. [she drops the gun, groans in agitation and leaves the room] Wh-where are you--Francine! W-well, why did you pull a gun on me if you didn't want to have sex?!

Deacon Stan, Jesus Man [1.07]

 * [Roger explaining the "secret ingredient" in Francine's potato salad]
 * Roger: Last night I ate all your potato salad, and I tried to make more but there was no mayo, so instead I used... [to Francine] Well, pull my finger.
 * [Francine does so. Roger's milk squirts out of his breasts. Francine, Hayley and Steve vomit in disgust]
 * Roger: Mystery solved.
 * Stan: I don't get it. So what's the secret ingredient?


 * Christie White: We'll call you in Aunt Janet's farm in Iowa once you get settled.
 * Betsy White: So does this mean I don't have to do gymnastics any more?
 * Christie White: Of course it does!
 * Chuck White: You should have thought of that before doing the splits all over town! Ha Ha!