American Dad! (season 2)


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American Dad! is an American adult animated sitcom created by created by Seth MacFarlane, Mike Barker and Matt Weitzman.

Bullocks to Stan [2.01]

 * Stan: It's just a CIA carnival. Why are we folding napkins?
 * Klaus: Because there'll be food and my boss likes to wipe his mouth on swans. [Roger places a human-folded napkin with a ball-like attached to its foot] What the hell is this?
 * Roger: Metrosexual soccer icon David Beckham. I can't do swans, I dunno why.


 * [Steve is calling India]
 * Steve: Hello, India? Yeah, it's Pakistan. You know that nuclear peace treaty you sent over? Well, listen to this. [starts rubbing the phone receiver against his shoulder] Yeah, that's me wiping my butt with it. Oh, it is on. Meet me at the border at three o'clock.
 * [Roger takes the receiver from him]
 * Roger: Oh, and FYI, I'm punching a cow right now. [hangs up] That'll drive them crazy.

A Smith in the Hand [2.02]

 * Stan: It's clear what must be done. We have to burn the school to the ground!
 * Francine: Stan!
 * Stan: Fine, fine. We'll talk to the principal. [Francine walks off. He takes out a lighter] Soon, my pet. Soon I will feed you the world.


 * Steve: I don't think Dad likes having me around anymore.
 * Francine: Aw... Now why would you say that?
 * Steve: Because I woke up this morning in the car, fully dressed.
 * Francine: Steve, your father got hurt in a very tender place. He's probably frustrated he can't go to work, or mow the lawn, or clean the gutters. Boy, it's been a while since he's cleaned the gutters.
 * Steve: Hey, maybe until Dad get better, I can clean the gutters.
 * Francine: That's creepy, honey.

All About Steve [2.03]

 * Hayley: I promise I'll help you find a safe way to socialize with humans.
 * Roger: That'd be great, Hayley. I feel so cooped up in this place. It's like a prison, except without the thrill of a daily cavity search. [pause] Did I say thrill? I meant fear.




 * [Stan is at the dentist]
 * Dentist: Mr. Smith, you're what we call in the business a Class A grinder. Now, I'm not talking about the sandwich grinder or the organ grinder you may find locked in sweaty coitus with your father one fateful afternoon in Rome. No, you're a Class A grinder, meaning that you grind your teeth so fervently that you need braces.
 * Stan: Braces? You've got to be kidding!
 * Dentist: I only wish, Mr. Smith. And I only wish I had never known the sickly sweet scent of my father's love with that filthy fat gypsy. And that I could have mustered something other than "Papa, no!" before that shrieking monkey drove me from the room. But you're a grinder, and you're getting braces.
 * Stan: But I've already had braces, doctor! I've paid my dues!
 * [The last line triggers a flashback of his father and the monkey, which apparently traumatizes the Dentist to the point of becoming emotionless.]
 * Dentist: [grimly] Do we ever pay our dues, Mr. Smith?

Con Heir [2.04]

 * [after Steve tells his friends that he was making out with a chick that is 80]
 * Snot: Dude, she's got wrinkles!
 * Steve: So do raisins. But those taste pretty sweet.


 * Francine: You have a stable job, and adoring wife, and a family that loves you. That makes you the richest man in the world.
 * Stan: Oh, oh, that's fantastic, Francine. I'm the richest man in the world. [picks up the phone] Hello, Bill Gates? Turns out I'm the richest guy in the world, because I have an adoring wife and a loving family.
 * Francine: Oh, Stan, please.
 * Stan: Oh, hang on. That's the other line. Hello, UNICEF? Yes, I'd like to donate some of my immense riches. What's that? Children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you? What an odd policy!
 * Francine: Okay, I get it!

Stan of Arabia: Part 1 [2.05]

 * Roger: [after getting out of Francine's suitcase] Guess you forgot to unpack me on the ride over here, huh? Well, good thing I dropped a deuce in your nylons! I need a drink; where's the booze in this place?
 * Hayley: There is no booze. Saudi Arabia is a dry country.
 * Roger: [Staring at her] Seriously, where's the booze?


 * Stan: Oh, I invited the fellows over for a feast after work so I figured you could whip something up. Or as they say in this country, [clap clap]
 * Klaus: Forget it! You may have me locked up in this house but I control what I do in it. Or as they say in my country, [finger snaps]

Stan of Arabia: Part 2 [2.06]

 * Steve: Can I see your boobs?
 * Jolie/God: I must warn you. Those who've stared into the bosom of eternal wisdom have been driven hopelessly insane.
 * Steve: Wow. Now I have to see them!


 * [US airport, Stan kisses the ground]
 * Hayley: Gee Dad, 24 hours ago you hated America.
 * Stan: Oh ha ha ha, shut the hell up Hayley.
 * But you know, I will admit America has its flaws.
 * Steve: Really Dad, like what?
 * Stan: [sings] Well there's...
 * Free speech, and there's gun control, and lousy Democrats.
 * The media's too liberal and everyone's too fat.
 * The women have careers and form opinions of their own.
 * We let our wives control our lives...
 * Francine: Damn it's good to be home!
 * Family: [singing] Our life's not always great, in these United States.
 * But remember boys and girls...
 * It's not the worst place in the world!
 * Steve: It's not the worst place in the world, yeah yeah.
 * Roger: Oh, and uh, what happens in Saudi Arabia, stays in Saudi Arabia. Ok, seriously.

Stannie Get Your Gun [2.07]

 * [after Roger successfully tricks Steve into thinking that Stan and Francine kidnapped him as a toddler due to Steve eating Roger's cookie]
 * Stan: Hey, son!
 * Steve: Don't "son" me, baby-snatcher! [pushes a bookcase onto Stan's wheelchair-ridden body]
 * Stan: [after a pause, apparently not upset at his son] Something on your mind, champ?
 * Hayley: Steve! What are you doing?
 * Steve: [suavely] Something we've wanted to do for years, "sis". [he proceeds to french-kiss her for five seconds while she struggles to get away to no avail]
 * Roger: [in shock of what he just witnessed] Oh. My. God. [now with a smile on his face] Everything that happens from this point on is just gravy.


 * Hayley: Who would've thought guns would bring you so close together?
 * Klaus: I know. If only we could get some guns to the Middle East.

Star Trek [2.08]

 * Steve: Funny, I always wanted a pool filled with cherry Jell-O. Well, in the end I got it.  I got a lot of other things on my rise to stardom.  Women... respect... that joke about the ten-inch pianist...  Can't believe I never got that before.


 * Klaus: Any letters for me?
 * Stan: No, just another postcard saying that your hair looks like crap - hey, it's from me!

Not Particularly Desperate Housewife [2.09]

 * Klaus: There was a very famous Jewish girl who kept a diary. It... ended badly. But enough about Fran Drescher! [laughs] You thought I was making a Holocaust joke! [angrily] Shame on you!


 * [Roger sits at the dinner table with a cigarette in his mouth]
 * Stan: Damn it, Roger! I've told you a million times: No smoking in the house!
 * Roger: And I told you it's menthol. So it's healthier than an apple.

Rough Trade [2.10]

 * Stan: Are you drunk?
 * Roger: Working on it.


 * [Stan and Klaus are at home, watching The $100,000 Pyramid]
 * Stan: This is what Roger does? He just sits here and watches this crap all day? What am I missing?
 * Klaus: An elevated blood-alcohol content.
 * [later, Stan is watching TV drunk]
 * Stan: Things you eat! Things that are fruit! Oh, oh, oh, things you peel! Ah, I'm halfway up the pyramid!
 * Klaus: You're watching The Price Is Right.
 * Stan: Shut up, Hayley. Oh, oh, oh, things that wear pants!

Finances with Wolves [2.11]

 * Stan: I have to kill Klaus before he steals Francine, there's no time to loose!
 * Valet: That'll be three dollars.
 * Stan: What? That's a total rip, I'll park it myself.
 * Stan: Grrr!
 * Stan: All I have is a five.
 * Valet: Sorry, I don't have change.
 * Stan: Oh forget it, I'll park it myself!
 * Stan: Uh-uh-uh-eraaaaaaggh!!
 * Stan: Oh forget it, I'll park it myself!
 * Stan: Uh-uh-uh-eraaaaaaggh!!
 * Stan: Uh-uh-uh-eraaaaaaggh!!


 * Stan: [Reading the instructions, trying to make Mac&Cheese] Hmm... "Boil water." What am I, a chemist?

It's Good to Be Queen [2.12]

 * Roger: [sarcastically as he goes on a delivery with Mitch] Oh, this is gonna be life changing.
 * [cut to Roger and Mitch exiting the house; this time]
 * Roger: [wide-eyed] That was totally life changing!


 * [Klaus, Hayley and Jeff are sitting around stoned, after having eaten marijuana brownies]
 * Klaus: They say if you play it backwards ... you can hear the voice of a dead kid.
 * Hayley: Wow ... wait, how do you play Monopoly backwards?
 * [The doorbell rings; loud knocking is heard.]
 * Klaus: Oh mein Gott! Oh mein Gott!
 * Hayley: Klaus, cool it! You're freaking out!
 * Klaus: It's the cops! Quick, flush me down the toilet!

Roger 'n' Me [2.13]

 * Dr. Gupta: When you ran over your wife - twice - it caused her brain to detach from her central nervous system. She's what we, in the medical profession, call "a husk."
 * Roger: I've heard of that.
 * Dr. Gupta: We can reattach her brain, but it's an experimental prodecure your insurance won't cover.
 * Stan: That's my wife. I don't care how much it is, I'll pay it!
 * Dr. Gupta: It's $178,000.
 * Stan: What if I don't need her to talk?


 * Steve: Now that the seeds of mistrust are sprouting, we must harvest them. [puts on headphones and starts recording the phone call; he signals for Hayley to start; Hayley dials Trudy's number]
 * Trudy: Hello?
 * Hayley: Miss Lawrence, just a few questions for a fitness survey. Where do you typically work out?
 * Trudy: At the gym.
 * Hayley: Good. And where is it located?
 * Trudy: About 3 miles north of here.
 * Hayley: After you work out, how do you relax?
 * Trudy: I get a massage.
 * Hayley: And when your car is not in "drive", it's in…
 * Trudy: "Park"!
 * Hayley: And if you're from Brazil, you're…
 * Trudy: You're Brazilian! Look. Is this a crank call?
 * Hayley: Hold, please.
 * Trudy: I can't wait around. I'm leaving to meet…
 * Hayley: [hangs up] Did you get it?
 * Steve: Got it.
 * [he dials Miles' number; cut to Miles' home; his phone rings]
 * Answering machine: Please leave a message.
 * [a tone is heard, then Steve, after editing a recording of the phone conversation, plays it just as Miles walks up to his phone]
 * Trudy: Hello,… Jim.
 * Miles: Who's Jim?
 * Trudy: I… can't… wait… to… massage… your… Brazilian… crank. Meet… me… at… 3:00… at the…
 * [Steve plays a second of West End Girls]
 * Pet Shop Boys: West End.
 * Trudy: Of the... park. I'm… leaving… Miles.
 * Miles: She must've dialed my number by mistake. She's cheating on me!
 * [he falls to his knees in tears as Hayley and Steve laugh and dance victoriously]

Helping Handis [2.14]

 * Steve: Damn your experimental steroids!
 * Stan: It's okay, son, you're experiencing a perfectly natural side effect called 'roid rage.
 * Steve: Oh, I'm experiencing a side effect, all right! [pulls front of bathrobe] I have boobs!
 * Stan: Oh, my God!
 * Klaus: I know. Talk about a butterface.


 * Waitress: Breadsticks, courtesy of table four. [two men wave at Stan and Steve]
 * Stan: Thanks, fellas, thank you. Wave to the nice men, Steve. Not too eager, son, they just bought us bread; they didn't let us take the Jag out for a spin.

With Friends Like Steve's [2.15]

 * Stan: [to Francine] Are you still moping about Steve? Come on. He's just going through a phase. It's like Steve is America and you're Arrested Development. It doesn't mean you're bad, it just means he's not interested in you.


 * Stan: Steve used to really look up to me, but now it's like he's not into me anymore.
 * Roger: Wow, that's really, really boring.
 * Stan: I'm serious, Roger. I'm opening up to you here. It's like my son's rejection is bringing up all kinds of feelings I don't understand.
 * Roger: Oh, okay. Uh... not sure what to say here.
 * Hayley: Well, I'm off to petition my college for an Eskimo studies program.
 * Roger: What?! They don't have one? I'm sorry, Stan. I'd love to help you, but the Eskimos, their plight, that's the real stuff here.
 * Hayley: You care about the Eskimos?
 * Roger: Yeah, yeah, I love their pies. Keep going. Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.

Tears of a Clooney [2.16]

 * [Foster children are working in Roger's vineyard]
 * Roger: That's right, foster children. Hard work builds character.
 * Foster Child: Water break, boss?
 * Roger: Oh, honey, don't call me "boss". That makes me feel like some kind of monster. Call me "Dad".
 * Foster Child: Water break, Dad?
 * Roger: No.




 * [Francine is preparing to kill George Clooney with an axe]
 * Francine: Well, I'd better run. George Clooney's head is about to have a big opening weekend.
 * Stan: Wait! I've gone along with you on this whole thing, no questions asked, but now I've gotta know. What the hell, Francine? What is this really about? I mean, I hate Susan Sarandon, but you don't see me cutting off my hand. I just cut my hair different for a while.
 * Francine: What is this about? Just look at that fucker with cucumbers on his eyes! Not a care in the world. No making school lunches, no grocery shopping, no cleaning the house, no one depending on him all the time!
 * Stan: Oh, God. This isn't about some unfulfilled dream. You're having a midlife crisis and you're taking it out on a future senator from California!
 * Francine: Midlife crisis? Wait. Future senator? Oh, I will fucking chop his head in two!
 * Stan: Francine, don't you see? Sure, Clooney has no cares, no one that depends on him, but... he has no one that depends on him. But you, you have a family: A son, a daughter...
 * Francine: ...and a husband who took a sabbatical from work, moved to Prague, and hired mercenaries to help his wife seduce another man! You probably would have let me sleep with him.
 * Stan: Of course! I assumed you did!
 * [both laugh]
 * Francine: I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
 * [both turn to Clooney]
 * Francine: You know, I actually feel sorry for him. He'll never know this kind of happiness. Let's go home.