American Dad! (season 6)


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The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season American Dad!

In Country... Club

 * Hayley: So, how'd the big night turn out?
 * Roger: It was... there's no word to describe it. Schmooblydong?  That's not it, but it's close.  Let--let me try and put it in terms you can understand.  Imagine being high at a Rusted Root concert while two dudes take you on in a sun-baked porta-john.
 * Hayley: Wow. That actually does sound really good.
 * Roger: Yeah. I'd like that too.

Moon Over Isla Island

 * [Stan has taken General Pequeño shopping for new clothes]
 * Store Clerk: [holding up his uniform] What do you want to do with this Rhythm Nation outfit?

Home Adrone [5.03]

 * Steve: Wow, uncensored nudity!  This game must be from Japan!
 * Toshi: [in Japanese] Unlikely. Those are women, not underage schoolgirls.

Brains, Brains and Automobiles [5.04]

 * (Stan is inside Roger's mind. He happens upon a cave with a dying, Jiminy Cricket-esque bug locked in a birdcage)
 * Stan: Who are you?
 * Bug (weakly): Roger's conscience.
 * Stan: Oh, my God. You're dying of neglect.
 * Bug: Kill me.
 * (Stan hears moaning from behind him. He turns around and finds Tom Skerritt wrapped up like a fly in a spiderweb)
 * Stan: Tom Skerritt?
 * Tom Skerritt (weakly): Get me work.


 * Francine: Oh, Stan. I hope you don't get lost in there. What if you die? (gasps): I left my soda in the freezer!
 * (Francine rushes to the kitchen, opens the freezer, and finds a drunken Klaus in his fishbowl)
 * Klaus (drunk and happy): Francine! Let's do some shots!
 * Francine: Klaus?! What you do doing in there?
 * Klaus: Stan put me in two days ago. The only reason I didn't freeze to death because I filled mein bowl with that bottle of vodka.
 * Francine: Why'd he put you in the freezer?
 * Klaus (belligerently): Oh, I'll tell you why. He -- (vomits so much that it fills the fishbowl)

Man in the Moonbounce [5.05]

 * Stan: When I turned 14, I took fiduciary responsibility for my mothers 401K. We discussed over Italian food. I had my first espresso, it kept me up all night. I fell asleep at dawn for five minutes and had a stress dream about the house burning down. Pretty good birthday.


 * (Stan comes home from his extended stay in prison)
 * Roger: There he is! You owe me big, Mr. Hard Time. Who gotcha two more months of goofin' around? (points to himself): I did, is who. (walks towards an increasingly pissed-off Stan): Get inside this hu--(Stan decks Roger in the face before he can finish his sentence).

Shallow Vows [5.06]

 * Roger: Great I'll put it on the DVD extras along with the musicologist touching you in the bath.


 * [Francine looks mad]
 * Roger: No I'm totally kidding! (to Stan) At least I think I'm kidding, I left him alone with her for half an hour while I took a nap.


 * Stan: [about Francine] God she scared me, you see that I almost punched her in the face!
 * Roger: Stan, remember the first rule of every wedding is that the bride is beautiful. The second rule you can find on my website. You have be eighteen to log on. I have some sexy barnyard stuff on there that is not for everyone -- I could get into a lot of trouble. If you do decide to check it out you need clear your history right away; you may have to uninstall your browser. I'm telling you scrub that thing clean. If you think you're being too cautious, you're not: they will take us both to jail.


 * Roger: You got the gift? (reads label) Oh, from Landon's de-lovely!
 * [Sees it's only a thimble]
 * Steve: You can put it in a curro case, you can sew with it, a little mouse could wear it for hat.
 * [Roger throws it on ground and stomps on it, walks away and comes back as Veleak]
 * Roger: Ze boy is to die first! (cuts Steve's chest)



My Morning Straitjacket [5.07]

 * Steve: Why is anger the only emotion you can express?
 * Stan: Because people make me mad all the time for being stupid about everything! Now pass me the fucking sweet potatoes!


 * Roger: Spoiler alert, the sweet potatoes SUCK! How'd you get the sweet out of the potatoes, Frannie?

G-String Circus [5.08]

 * Bullock: Gentlemen do whatever it takes to empty our coffers.
 * Lap dances, champagne dances, shower dances.
 * Oh, the things you can buy for a hand full of bills.
 * It makes me excited.
 * It gives me the chills.
 * They'll be filcher rubs, breeders, hambones and tweeners
 * Zobos and debos and blorps that go eener.
 * For a $1 bill,
 * You can pull down their zippers.
 * I am the Snorlax!
 * I speak for the strippers!

Rapture's Delight [5.09]

 * Roger: Oh, I love your religion ... for the crazy! Virgin birth. Water into wine. It's like Harry Potter, but it causes genocide and bad folk music.


 * Stan Smith: We can't use the open road. It's too dangerous.
 * Jesus Christ: What if we journey through Sector 16?
 * Stan Smith: Sector 16? The perfect man just proposed the perfect way to die.
 * Jesus Christ: Fine. What about Sector 35?
 * Stan Smith: Sector 35 makes Sector 16 look like Sector 48!

Don't Look a Smith Horse in the Mouth [5.10]

 * Steve: All right, just give birth the ferret baby and put it in the bucket-- it's worth 50 points


 * Snot: Oh, Steve! We've been playing "Animal Midwife" for two years! When are you gonna get some new games?
 * Steve: Maybe we should go to your place and play "Let's Watch Your Mom Sober Up Before She Has to Go to Her Nursing Job".
 * Barry: Ouch.

A Jones for a Smith [5.11]

 * Crackhead Booboo: Hey! As long as you're giving out crack, how 'bout you throw a little ding-a-dong ding ding ol' Crackhead Booboo's way?
 * Dealer: Not now, Mom. I'm working.

The Return of the Bling [5.13]

 * (Stan is in Roger's hotel room, still in awe that Roger was part of the 1980 "Miracle on Ice" Olympic hockey team)
 * Stan: Oh, my God! Roger is my hero!
 * (Roger is asleep on the hotel bed. He wakes up and finds Stan sitting across from him)
 * Roger: Stan, who the hell are you talking to? Are you just sitting in the dark watching me? Oh God, were you yanking it over my sleeping form? Oh you sick -- (notices lipstick marks all over his body): What the? (pulls back the covers to reveal a naked, sleeping fat woman): You always get what you want, doncha, Helen? Bravo.


 * (Stan grabs the Olympic gold medal from Roger at the hostel)
 * Stan: You lying, thieving cheater! You're gonna get what you deserve! Where do they keep the British tourist girls?

Cops and Roger [5.14]

 * (Roger is crying over not being strong and begs Stan to help him)
 * Stan: I always knew this day would come. Except I'd be hearing it from my son and not an alien in a sports bra.
 * Roger (sobbing): It's a support tank. It's too small. It rode up my belly.

 (Roger takes his first police academy exam and fails it)
 * Roger: What, no way! Wait, why is this wrong? Next to "Miranda Rights," I wrote, "Miranda has the right to a decent man who will help her raise her baby." Are these questions not about Sex and the City?

Merlot Down Dirty Shame [5.15]

 * Breakfast Haus waiter: Y'all have enough time?
 * Roger: I'll have two eggs – one over easy, one over medium – three sausage links, a cup of cottage cheese with a drizzle of honey, a fruit cup – unless it's mostly honeydew melon, in which case skip it and make it half a grapefruit, a glass of whole milk over ice and a side of toast, barely browned – closer to bread than toast, I'm not joking – with as many local jams as you have in stock. Oh, and a Bloody Mary.
 * Breakfast Haus waiter: We don't serve alcohol.
 * [scene changes to Café Olé]

Bully for Steve [5.16]

 * Jeff: How's you huge vagina?
 * Hayley: Oh, yerhujeva? She's good. She's back in Croatia for the winter with the rest of the Gina family.

An Incident at Owl Creek [5.17]

 * Roger (after Stan tells his 'three rings of marriage' joke): That's not a good joke because it's not racist.

Great Space Roaster [5.18]

 * Roger: You're gonna to roast each other. And your zingers better be mean. If you try any weak sauce, I'm gonna give you such a zots. [With a remote, he buzzes Stan] Now, Stan, roast Hayley. [Zots!] You feel that zots?!
 * Stan: Uh, Hayley, you're not very smart and you smoke a lot of pot.
 * Roger: [another buzz] Zots!
 * Stan: Uh, okay. Hayley, I secretly wish you were Benjamin Button, and you were aging backwards, and your life was almost over.
 * Roger: [laughing with Klaus] Oh, yeah! Insults in the form of jokes. So how's it feel, Hayley? Not too bueno, I bet. Now you do Steve.
 * Hayley: Steve, you will never get laid. There is nothing attractive about you. You have the sex appeal of the cancer ward in a pediatric hospital.
 * Klaus: [laughing] Oh!
 * Roger: Hayley coming in with a groaner. Nice. Okay, Steve, let's see you give it to your mama.
 * Steve: Mom, you are not smart. I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes. Example: my mama's so dumb, I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes.
 * Roger: I love it. Francine, take the pain and throw it right at Stan. Do it!
 * Francine: Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self-righteousness of Sean Penn, and the unbearable hypocrisy of Rush Limbaugh. What I'm trying to say is, you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray.


 * Klaus: (From the living room) Guys! Get in here! The porn channel's coming in for some reason!
 * (Stan, Hayley, Francine, and Steve run to the living room)
 * Francine: (while watching the porn) Nice.
 * (An explosion comes from the kitchen. The family coughs and comes up from the rubble)
 * Francine: Is everyone okay?
 * Klaus (woozily): Did we lose the porn?