American Ultra

American Ultra is a 2015 action comedy film about a stoner - who is in fact a government agent - who is marked as a liability and targeted for extermination. But he's too well-trained and too high for them to handle.
 * Directed by Nima Nourizadeh and written by Max Landis. 

Mike Howell

 * If I die, I'm going to do it stoned and smiling in my bed.


 * Hey Phoebe! Phoebe? [[over intercom] Hey Phoebe. I just wanted to say that I love you and that everything is going to be okay. I mean, not perfect, obviously, but better. Like, we'll probably have to get a new house. And also cars. But I'm coming to get you and this will all be over. Soon-ish.

Dialogue

 * Mike: You know what skeeves me out, Phoebe?
 * Phoebe: What?
 * Mike: That car down there has moved so much. Like, it was built in a factory, you know, on a production line. And then it was like, shipped here.
 * Phoebe: And then, like, this guy drove it all over the place.
 * Mike: Yeah, exactly. But all the time, like for years, or really for, like, decades really, this one tree has been sitting in this one place not doing anything until tonight when it, like, stopped the car.
 * Phoebe: Yeah?
 * Mike: Okay, so this car is always going. And that tree is always just, like, stopping. You know? Like, it's just been stopping there for years until tonight when it met something that it didn't want to keep going, and it was just : like, "No! You're stopping, too"
 * Mike: And then this tree that has never done anything is fucking, like, destroying this beautiful, really beautiful fast-moving thing.
 * Phoebe: Why are you crying?
 * Mike: Because, Phoebe, like... am I that tree?
 * Phoebe: No. No!
 * Mike: I think I'm that tree. And I think you're the car and I think I'm stopping you.
 * Phoebe: You are not the tree.
 * Mike: Okay.
 * Phoebe: I love you.


 * Victoria: Do you remember when you were arrested when you were 18 for the acid? That was when we first met. I was recruiting for a program called Wiseman. Which was basically designed to take third strike misdemeanor offenders and offer them the opportunity to volunteer.
 * Mike: Volunteer? For what?
 * Victoria: To be an experiment.
 * Mike: An experiment?
 * Victoria: Yeah.
 * Mike: That was a mistake.
 * Victoria: No, but Mike, you worked. All the other subjects that came in, they were all failures. But not you. You were a success, but it was driving you insane. It was driving everybody insane. The risks weren't worth the rewards. So I shut it down, and I gave you all new lives and new identities. A fresh start here.
 * Mike: Yeah. So you erased my memories and you fucked with my head. And you left me here with a fake girlfriend.
 * Victoria: This isn't who you always were. The slow thinking, the inability to leave town. The phobias. We did that to protect you.
 * Mike: To protect me? Well, tell that to the guys who are trying to kill me.


 * Phoebe: Okay, so just lead me through this one more time. Just so I'm clear.
 * Mike: Um, I hit him with a spoon and his lungs exploded.
 * Phoebe: It wasn't his lungs.
 * Mike: No, that's what happened. Because he couldn't breathe because I got him in the neck.
 * Phoebe: Yeah, your lungs aren't in your neck, they're in your chest.
 * Mike: I know that, Phoebe. No, I don't know that. No, I do. Phoebe, it doesn't even make any sense to me.
 * Phoebe: Okay. Okay, so you said something about a lady. What did she say to you?
 * Mike: Okay, so she said. I don't know what she said. Like, some bullshit. I don't know what she said.
 * Phoebe: Babe. We're in jail. So maybe just try and remember and focus and put it together. What did the lady say?
 * Mike: Okay, she said Mandelbrot set is in motion. Echo Choir has been breached. We are fielding the ball.
 * Phoebe: Mike, what the fuck does that mean?
 * Mike: I don't know. Phoebe, I don't know but I remember it like it just happened. I remember every single thing that happened to me in the last 94 minutes. 94 minutes? How did I even get that number, Phoebe? I remember literally every single thing that happened. I can picture it all.


 * Mike: Something very weird is happening to me: I keep killing people! There's a chance I may be... a robot!
 * 'Phoebe: Mike, you are not a robot.


 * Otis: We lost two assets attempting to neutralize Wiseman-designate Howell.
 * Yates: How is that possible?
 * Otis: He was armed with a spoon, sir.


 * Mike: I just killed two people!
 * Phoebe: That's awesome.
 * Mike: They had guns and knives and they were being total dicks!


 * Phoebe: It's not gonna be like this always, you know? Mike, you're like the strongest, kindest person I've ever met in my whole life. I fucking love you. You're a fucking mess, man.
 * Mike: I know.


 * Mike: Yo, Phoebe, where are we going?
 * Phoebe: We are leaving. We are getting the fuck out of town!
 * Mike: No, I can't leave town. You know that.
 * Phoebe: Well, you didn't have people trying to kill you before, I was thinking maybe that could motivate us here.
 * Mike: Okay, fine, so where do you want to go?
 * Phoebe: Oh fuck, I don't know!
 * Mike: Alright listen. We'll take my car and we'll go to Rose's house, okay?
 * Phoebe: What? You want to get high right now? Mike?
 * Mike: No! I don't want to get high. Rose has like guns and shit, okay. He can help us hide out and I'm still in handcuffs.
 * Phoebe: Okay, you are not in any position to be making the plan right now.
 * Mike: Really? Well, who is? The cops are all dead.
 * Phoebe: The guy in the thing. In the cell thing, doesn't see the gun, You don't point at it and go, gun!
 * Mike: Okay, no I recognize that now as, like, a faux pas. I'm sorry.
 * Phoebe: And if someone who's trying to kill you goes "wait!" You don't go, oh what do you want to talk about?
 * Mike: Okay! You're right. I'm sorry. Please just don't yell at me, okay?


 * Mike: How did you know what that gas was?
 * Phoebe: Okay... I...
 * Mike: No, no, no. What's going on? How do you know what that gas was?
 * Phoebe: I don't know what's going on. But, listen. Baby. Mike, Mike, hey. I don't know what's going on! But I do know what's going on with you, okay? If you just listen. Listen!
 * Mike: Okay, tell me then.
 * Phoebe: It's not going to make any sense right now.
 * Mike: What is going on with me?
 * Phoebe: I'm your handler. I was assigned to you five years ago. Please understand, I'm CIA. Okay?
 * Mike: You're what?
 * Phoebe: Listen to me. It's okay. I've been trying to tell you this for so fucking long.
 * Mike: Phoebe. Are you not my girlfriend?
 * Phoebe: Of course I'm your girlfriend, babe. That's what I'm telling you.
 * Mike: Please stop it. No. No, I can't even look at you. I gotta go.


 * Mike: Leave me alone! Get off of me!
 * Phoebe: Mike, relax!
 * Mike: Look, I just need to know. Am I real?
 * Phoebe: Yes, you're real.
 * Mike: Are your parents really dead? Okay, how much of everything that you've ever told me is just a complete lie?
 * Phoebe: Not everything is a lie.
 * Mike: No, please don't use your grown-up voice with me. No, I was in love with you. I am in love with you. I don't even know who you are!
 * Phoebe: [crying] Fuck, Mike!
 * Mike: No, you don't get to fake cry with me, okay. They probably train you how to do this, don't they? To fuck with my emotions. Okay, well stop it. Please stop it. Hey! Stop it, okay! Fucking stop it!
 * Phoebe: I'm not lying anymore. Just give me one chance. I'm not going to lie to you anymore.
 * Mike: Get out. Get out of my car.
 * Phoebe: No. No, Mike. I can't!
 * Mike: Get out of my car, okay?
 * Phoebe: It's my fucking car!


 * Phoebe: Hey. Hey, you seem, like, spooky quiet.
 * Mike: I am spooky quiet. I'm like, I think I'm in the anaphylactic shock.
 * Phoebe: That's not what that's called.
 * Mike: I'm trying to think of stuff, you know. Phoebe, I can't remember anything. I can't even remember where I went to school. Did I go to school?
 * Phoebe: Maybe don't think about it.
 * Mike: Did we even talk about my parents?


 * Yates: Well, if it isn't Miss Stockholm Syndrome 2010.
 * Phoebe: Yates. What the fuck are you doing here?
 * Yates: Whoa. That's unprofessional.
 * Phoebe: Who's running this operation? Since when did desk jockeys like you run field ops?
 * Yates: Well, I guess that's the problem with going dark for five years. You kinda fall out of the loop on a couple things.
 * Phoebe: Do you have authorization at all? Where's Krueger?
 * Yates: Phoebe Selburg. She who'd rather suck some stoner's cock than turn herself in for debrief, is going to question my authorization? I've read your file. You have no secrets from me! Your boyfriend isn't real. We made him. Oh, I'm so sorry that some lab-rat made you cum a bunch of times in the back of a Taco Bell. Yeah, that's probably a good reason to throw away your entire life! I guess it all worked out because look where I am now. In charge of a major operation. And look where you are. Under departmental arrest for insubordination, and your face is all messed up. And I'm going to get a promotion.


 * Yates: Uh, your girlfriend's here. Would you ever like to see her alive again?
 * Mike: I don't know.
 * Yates: So if I just took out my gun and blew her fucking face off, you'd be cool with that?
 * Mike: No, that wouldn't be cool. Is she really there with you?
 * Phoebe: Mikey? I'm sorry. But I'm the tree. I've been the tree the entire time, you're the car. Okay? I love you. So you can leave. You can go wherever you want and they will fucking never...
 * Yates: [hangs up] That was really fucking lame.


 * Krueger: You directly interfered with a government operation. And as a result, you caused the deaths of innocent civilians. Is that correct?
 * Victoria: Yes, sir.
 * Yates: You're absolutely right, sir. Thanks to Lasseter activating Howell, seven American citizens are now dead.
 * Krueger: This is an operation that you created and spearheaded without any authorization, is that correct?
 * Yates: Yes, sir. But you have to understand, I was self-starting.
 * Krueger: Excuse me?
 * Yates: Did I make some mistakes? You know, I did. Did I take some shortcuts? Sure. But in the end, I was just doing what I needed to do to create a cost-efficient exploit of a system already put in place. And if I'd pulled it off, you'd be thanking me. Right? Come on, you'd be fucking thanking me, right?
 * Krueger: Yeah.
 * Yates: Okay! Thank you.
 * [Krueger kills Yates]
 * Victoria: I don't know if this is appropriate, but please do not kill me.
 * Krueger: I'm your source. When I called to notify you that the sweep was happening, I did it out of respect and courtesy. And you've made me regret that now. It was not my intention for you to act like a child and try to save your puppy. The puppy was going down, I was notifying you of the puppy's death. But the puppy just shit all over everything! You have a crazy, scary rabid puppy that murders people and will still need to be put down. You understand that, correct?
 * Victoria: Yes, sir.
 * Krueger: You better pray you can find a way to turn this into a win and pull a miracle out of your ass. Because if you can't, that's you. [looks to Yates]
 * Victoria: You already have your miracle, sir. My program worked. Wiseman beat Toughguy. Mike Howell eliminated 17 Toughguy assets single-handedly. That makes him the most effective asset we've ever seen in any of the Ultra programs. Ever! In 60 years. Pardon me for saying it, sir, but that is a puppy worth saving. That is a $400 million puppy. And you have him sitting in a holding cell right now.

Cast

 * Jesse Eisenberg - Mike Howell
 * Kristen Stewart - Phoebe Larson
 * Topher Grace - Adrian Yates
 * Connie Britton - Victoria Lasseter
 * Walton Goggins - Laugher
 * John Leguizamo - Rose
 * Bill Pullman - Raymond Krueger
 * Tony Hale - Petey Douglas
 * Lavell Crawford - Big Harold
 * Stuart Greer - Sheriff Watts
 * Monique Ganderton - Crane