Andy Richter Controls the Universe

Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002–2003) was a FOX sitcom starring Andy Richter playing a character of the same name, about a writer 'just trying to make it in the real world'. It was cancelled after two seasons due to poor ratings.

Pilot [1.01]

 * Mr. Pickering: What kind of man calls himself a writer anyway?.. I’ll tell you what kind: the homosexual.




 * Andy: Wait! Did you have sex with my Wendy?
 * Kieth: It does not feel right to talk about it.



Grief Counselor [1.02]

 * Wendy: The real tragedy is that when he went to dial 9-1-1 he forgot to dial 9 9-1-1.



Little Andy In Charge [1.03]

 * Andy:(Voice over) I needed more information, so I came up with a foolproof anti-Semitism test. (To Leslie) Would you like a bagel, or perhaps a (with German accent) valden-riechen-lebensraum-torte?



Second Episode [1.04]

 * Andy: What are you guys doing here?
 * Jessica: You’re being stupid!
 * Andy: No, technically that would be what I’m doing here.

Twins [2.02]

 * Andy: And, now, it's time to bring my plan to its wickedly delicious conclusion!... Ok, now I just sound gay.



France [2.03]

 * Andy: Here I was, facing a problem as old as civilization itself: how to catch a drunk cat in the ceiling so I can go to France.




 * Mr. Pickering: Ahh, wishing to go to France, aren't we? I know why you really want to go to France. It's because of their loose sexual laws. But, observing your physical qualities, I must say that it will only mean that you can do more things to yourself.

Holy Sheep [2.04]

 * Andy: Uh, listen. I wasn't gonna say this before because I wanted to be supportive and non-judgemental, but your religion is laugh-out-loud stupid.

Unidentified Episodes

 * Mr. Pickering: Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish... And his wife!


 * Freddy Pickering: Have you ever eaten a six-pound lobster off the chest of a seven-pound lobster?


 * Freddy Pickering: "Well, at least she died doing what she loved... committing suicide.




 * Byron: All I know is, I hate racists. I hate everything about them, their music, their food, their so-called religion, the way their men are so skinny, and their wives are all so fat, but mostly, I hate the way they judge people based on tired stereotypes.




 * Andy: There's going to be a duct tape wedding! Cover your genitalia and run!




 * Mr. Pickering: Good for you my boy! Having your way with the help. They're bending over anyway, eh?




 * Mr. Pickering: Oh I'm sorry! It's just hard to believe you could ever be in love with something not covered in sauce.




 * Andy: I mean, sure, you can start a relationship based on four days of false information about mole-rats, but then where do you go? Am I right?




 * Jessica: Well I guess this is kind of my fault, since I only told you exactly what would happen, instead of actually living your life for you.




 * Jessica: This reminds me of that old saying: You idiot.




 * Andy: My fear of a meaningless cosmos was no match for those two theologians known as meat and cheese.

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 * Byron: My mind is full of despair and my body is full of sex bugs.

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 * Andy: Is it me, or is it getting dizzy in here?

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 * Mr. Pickering: How does it feel, being outsmarted by a child? Let me guess: familiar?

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 * Mr. Pickering: Oh cheer up! This tape could be the best thing that ever happened to you. You finally have proof that you fornicated with something you didn't pay for, or inflate.

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 * Airena: Did you know if a blue whale mated with a beaver their babys would be the largest insects on the earth.

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 * Keith: Other than babies, is there anyone more selfish than the dead?

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 * Mr. Pickering: Why, I once murdered a man with an axe! By your liberal definition, this makes me an axe murderer!

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 * (Flashback)
 * Andy's Brain: Hands down that was the second coolest thing I've ever seen. Wanna see the first coolest?
 * (Cutscene to a woman seductively approaching the camera spraying whipped cream in her hand while "Lead Me On" by Maxine Nightingale plays in the background)
 * Andy's Brain: I'd show you more...
 * (A young man stands up and blocks the view of the woman)
 * Andy's Brain: ...but her boyfriend who was actually in the room had to go and ruin everything.
 * (Young man lifts up woman and carries her off screen while the camera zooms out to Andy looking out a window with binoculars. Andy then turns around with tears in his eyes and faces the camera)
 * Andy: (sobbing) Will I ever know love?! (Commences sobbing)
 * Andy's Brain: Oops, I didn't mean to show you that part.

Cast

 * Andy Richter - Andy Richter
 * Jessica Green - Paget Brewster
 * Keith - James Patrick Stuart
 * Wendy McKay - Irene Molloy
 * Byron Togler - Jonathan Slavin