Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1


 * They're back on the beat to make crime disappear!
 * Meatwad! Beefy disguises from ground-up steer!
 * Frylock! A Sherlock Holmes with laser beam eyes!
 * Master Shake! Unprivate dick!

Aqua Teen Hunger Force (also known by various alternative titles) (2000–15) is an animated television series from the Cartoon Network's Adult Swim programming block. The show follows the exploits of three anthropomorphic fast food items: Master Shake, the milkshake; Frylock, the carton of French fries; and Meatwad, the meatball.

Allen Part One

 * [Dr. Weird's Favorite Restaurant, Jersey Shore]
 * Dr. Weird: BEHOLD! There is an adhesive bandage in my 'nana pudding!  I  DEMAND that it be REMOVED! [Restaurant waitress walks over and removes it] Thank you.
 * Steve: Uhh, you know, you could probably get it for free now.
 * Dr. Weird: Woman! Bring back the bandage!  I want it...FOR FREE! [woman throws the bandage onto Dr. Weirds helmet]


 * [during a night watch]
 * [Master Shake, Frylock and Meatwad are in the danger cart looking at a abandoned house and shake is using a paper towel stick as a telescope]
 * Master Shake: How we looking? What's it look like? What's going on in there? Meatwad, I'm going to need you to give me a visual on the building.
 * Meatwad: [Meatwad pulls out a little movie flipper and goes through the slides] Well, Princess riding a dinosaur over the rainbow and magic candy kingdom. They been doing that a lot lately. Something's up.


 * Master Shake: Frylock, you're burned. You're out.
 * Frylock: Fine, I was gonna leave anyways 'cause this is boring man!
 * Master Shake: Fine! This isn't the first case I've had to crack by myself!  Just tell us what exactly we're supposed to do, and then don't let the door hit your VCR on the way out!
 * [flashback of the Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie, of Dr. Weird accessing a VCR embedded behind Frylock's diamond back]
 * Frylock: Ah ah ah, that was the old show.
 * Master Shake: Yeah, I know. This is the new show, where we're detectives, and you're no longer a part of it.  So am-scray! ...Utt-face!  Have fun getting soft!


 * Meatwad: [awoken by the beeping of a construction vehicle driven by a black construction worker] Shake, wake up! Wake up!
 * Shake: (Yawns)
 * Meatwad: We got action at three...o' clock. Six o clock?  Is the little hand the minute hand?
 * Shake: Ah! So That's what he drives to visit his mistress!  [construction worker drives into the wall of the old house they were watching] Another piece of the puzzle falls into place! [puffs a bubble-pipe]
 * Meatwad: But why would he do that to his own house, Shake?
 * Shake: Oh that's an insurance scam. Or he's trying to hide the evidence!  We're going undercover! [Shake approaches the Construction worker, poorly dressed as a Frenchman]  Oui-oui!  Oh-ho-ha!  Bonjour! I am your new neighbor!  I just uh move- how you say, move in!  And you must be...
 * Construction Worker: Tearing this house down.
 * Shake: Ah-hah-hah, to hide evidence, maybe, ah? Porce-bill, insurance scam!  [silence]  No no, it is cool!  You can tell me, Jacque! Everyone tells Jacque!
 * Construction Worker: It's been vacant for ten years.
 * Shake: Ah, so that's your story! So maybe you can tell me...why you're having an affair in there!  Ho-ho!  [to Meatwad] Cuff him!
 * Meatwad: [holding his disc image toy] Hey, Shake, I don't think this is the right house, or even the right dinosaur.
 * Shake: Then why is our guy here?
 * Meatwad: Well, 'cause, 'cause he's been sent by the city, and tear this empty house down.
 * Shake: And why is he large and black? The guy we're looking for is small and white!
 * Construction Worker: You all need to clear on out of here! I got work to do.
 * Shake: All right, Chuck, I'm gonna ask you once! [tears fake moustache off] Maybe you can tell me what kind of back room operation you had to have to look like that!  Huh?!
 * [silence, and cutscene to Shake badly beaten and bruised in a hospital]
 * Shake: Did you see how close I was to nailing that guy?

The Intervention

 * [Carl's been pulled over]
 * Officer: You know how fast you were going?
 * Carl: (drunk) Oh, yeah. Why, what's y- your gun say?  I clocked it at 136.
 * Officer: In a 25. In a school zone.
 * Carl: Ah, don't get your panties in a wad, there ain't no kids out at this hour.
 * Officer: How many drinks have you had tonight?
 * Carl: Ehhh, maybe like two or three, so you know, I'm good. [drinks from a can of beer]  I mean, I've been drinking water for like an hour.  [finishes the beer]
 * Officer: How about that one?
 * Carl: Alright, fine! 18. You feel like a big man, now, pig? Huh? Maybe you had a real job, you could afford to party like me, instead of trying to uh, set a trap to meet your quota!
 * [Officer notices a sleeping woman in Carl's car]
 * Officer: Is that woman dead?
 * Carl: Ohhh, man, I hope not. Let me check. [slaps her face three times, which makes her snore] No. She's not. Thank God. That's- I- I will say this. She's gonna be con,fused when she wakes up. Right? [laughs] Punch in the fist! What's that thing you just pulled out of your- [Officer shoots a taser at his eye] AHHHH!


 * [Carl's out of confinement with a black eye]
 * Carl: No, I was! I was polite! I was like: yes sir, no sir, get off my ass, sir.
 * Frylock: Oh, that's wonderful, Carl, but guess what? This bail's gonna BUST me, man!
 * Carl: Just post it up, get my keys and I can drive us back home.
 * Officer: You ain't driving anywhere for a long time.
 * Carl: Look, I ain't had a DUI in over four months, Y- YOU GOTTA RESPECT THAT!
 * Frylock: Carl, let it go.
 * Carl: NO! This pig is messing with me! Ain'tcha piggy, eh?! Oinkoinkoinkoinkoink!
 * Officer: Oh, you like it here, huh?!
 * Frylock: Don't listen to him, officer.
 * Carl: You can't keep me off the road, 'cause I pay for them roads!
 * Officer: Just get him out of here!


 * Frylock: I'm worried about Carl.
 * Master Shake: Nah, you're not worried about him. You're worried about flying him everywhere.
 * Frylock: Oh! Shhh, shhh! [whispering] Turn off the lights!
 * ''[Carl runs into the Aqua Teen's house. Frylock is hiding behind the spool]
 * Carl: Hey, gang! Who's ready to go on a trip? I see ya over there behind the spool.
 * Frylock: No, Carl.
 * Carl: [desperate] Aw come on, it's 2.3 miles to Melon Shakers! I CAN'T WALK THAT FAR!
 * Frylock: And then I'll wait there for three hours, 'cause you won't pay my cover to get in, while you get those rocks off in the champagne room!
 * Carl: Come on, it takes time. I'm a little desensitized from... years of doing it.
 * Frylock: You know what, Carl? I am SICK AND TIRED of flying your ass to the gas station to get beer, to the grocery store to get beer, to the whorehouse to get beer.
 * Carl: I ain't never made you take me to the laundromat.
 * Master Shake: That's 'cause you don't wash your clothes.
 * Carl: Eh, yeah, that's a pretty good point. [smells his armpit] Touché.
 * Frylock: Look, Carl, maybe you need to take a good look at your life.
 * Carl: I look at my life every day... and I POP A BONER. So I ain't here to talk to YOU.


 * Carl: [drunk and collapsed on the parking lot] Blow into the tube and start the car!
 * Meatwad: I ain't driving no car.
 * Carl: You ain't gotta drive it-I'm-I'll-I'm driving, I'm the driver. I just gotta- You just gotta start it. And then you gotta pull me up-pull me in. Then we're good-I'm driving. [Meatwad blows into the tube] Hurry, I'm urinating on myself.
 * Meatwad: [car fails to start] It ain't starting.
 * Carl: Why ain't it starting?
 * Meatwad: Probably 'cause, I had five gin and tonics, and a cubra libre!
 * Carl: I told you not to drink! I should not have bought you them drinks...


 * Shake: Carl, we love you. And I for one, do not like to see you destroying yourself like this.  This long slow slide, is frankly, extremely boring to watch!  Why don't you go out in like a blaze of glory!
 * Frylock: Shake...
 * Shake: Light yourself on fire, rob a bank!
 * Frylock: Shake!
 * Shake: Do something at least I can tweet about! And like make me popular!
 * Frylock: Come on...
 * Shake: But you never think about me, do you?


 * Frylock: Let me ask you something, Carl. Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?
 * Shake: Oh, not with this! Can't we just talk about him during Christmas?
 * Meatwad: Is he be the one what bring all the toys in the magic sleigh?
 * Shake: For the last time... Yes!


 * Carl: [Frylock is showing him personal items that at one point belonged to Jesus] Is this his hair? Wow!  He had Rock  hair.  Just like Hetfield, back when he was riding the lightning!


 * Frylock: [to Rupert] Wait a minute! Jesus had a hairdresser?

Freedom Cobra

 * Master Shake: Oh, hey, babe. [woman passes by with no notice] Lesbian!


 * [after Shake's dog attacks him]
 * Frylock: You ain't gonna get laid just because you have a dog!
 * Shake: I know, that's why I brought this Frisbee. To make us look fun! [kicks the dog]
 * Frylock: Whoa whoa whoa, you definitely ain't gonna get laid kicking a dog in public!
 * Shake: Women respond to control! And that is what I am exhibiting, to this dog! Go on, let go of him, Meatwad.
 * Meatwad: [holding back the dog] All right.
 * Shake: [poorly throws the Frisbee] Go get it, you dumbass! [[the dog attacks him again] Oh, no, no! Let go! Get it off! Get it off! [Meatwad holds back the dog] Why would you let go of a dog like that?!


 * Tattooed Man: Yo, bro. [hands Shake his Frisbee] Your disk.
 * Shake: Well aware of what I own, okay? Cool guy?
 * Nude Woman: Wow, I got nude when I saw your tattoos!
 * Tattooed Man: Right on! Right on!
 * Nude Woman: I'm on the pill!
 * Tattooed Man: What pill?
 * [they engage in intercourse]
 * Shake: Well, you're a lesbian!
 * Meatwad: Well, if she's a lesbian, then, what's she doing with that cool tattoo guy?
 * Shake: Because he's obviously a woman, trapped inside a man's impeccably chiseled body.
 * Meatwad: Well now it looks like he's trapped inside that girls body. Oh, now he's out. Wait! Now he's back in again. Wait, now he's back out! Now he's back in!


 * Doctor: [after Shake's Tattoo Removal] It went well...unfortunately, our lasers were no match for Freedom Cobra.

The Creditor

 * Shake: He had a look about him. You know? Sometimes I think I see him. [Creditor in the distance cloaks]
 * Therapist: Well, everyone knows the Creditor has a cloaking device.
 * Shake: I know, I know. It's probably nothing.
 * Therapist: Well are you behind in your payments?
 * Shake: I haven't made any payments. I haven't felt like it.
 * Therapist: Sometimes we have to do things that we don't like.
 * Shake: Not you. You talk to me all the time because you love it! Everyone just wants a free ride on my lid man.


 * Shake's Narration: I remember. [flashback starts; at a club] He was new in town. I could tell he needed a friend, but then an asylum.
 * Shake: Yeah! I would love to tap that! [to the Creditor] Hey! Go buy us some shooters!
 * Shake's Narration: We were ruling it! And the Creditor, he just never knew when to stop!
 * "Creditor:' [surrounded by prostitutes] I have the power of a thousand suns!
 * Shake's Narration: Then he disappeared in the back room with three of them, and when he came back out, he was real sweaty and nervous.
 * Creditor: Let's get out, we're leaving.
 * Shake's Narration: He was holding her severed heads, and spines.
 * Shake: Oh, come on, man! I'm going first, next time!


 * Shake's Narration: That night, we celebrated our success at hiding the bodies...by going to another club.


 * Meatwad: [watching his TV shows] Please...... Thank you.....[Creditor Materializes, andreaches into meatwad]s head, and pulls up nothing] You looking for bones? [Creditor digs in again] 'Cause I got no bones in here. [Creditor comes up empty and digs in again, he continuously digs in and comes up empty] Why don't you do it again? [Creditor comes up empty] What you get?  Nothing. [Creditor digs in again] Oops. [Creditor comes up empty and roars in a fury] Do it to me again!  It's starting to turn me on sexually.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Creditor: [after ripping Shake's skull out] I am the best hunter in the world, and in all the galaxy!
 * Therapist: Ah yes, but you've mentioned that in the past, and yet your father, hated hunting.  [Creditor prepares to rip out Therapists skull] Don't do this, I thought we were past this.  [gets skull ripped out]

<hr width=50%/>
 * Creditor Father: [reading a book] ...and he bleached the skulls and spines in an acid bath, and he used the teeth for a meat scraping tool. Happy Halloween everybody! Then he collapsed. The amount of blood and bile was overwhelming. The end.
 * Creditor Kids: Read it again, Daddy, read it again!
 * Creditor Father: Now, now, now, go to sleep, that's all. [one Creditor kid holds up a severed foot] Put your feet under the pillow!  For the foot fairy....comes tonight!

Vampirus

 * Master Shake: This. Is. The life. Rays. Cool Water. No vampires.
 * Carl: Yeah, that vampire thing's so friggin' overhyped.
 * Master Shake: I know.
 * Carl: Y'know, the media sees one horde of crazy vampires devouring the president and we're supposed to think they're everywhere.
 * Master Shake: I know. Completely living in fear.

<hr width=50%>
 * Frylock: And that's when I realized that it wasn't his blood at all, but the deodorant that was driving the vampires away. Of course, we've since expanded into garlic toothpaste, mouthwash, cologne, shampoo. All our garlic grooming products have completely eradicated all signs of vampire zombies.
 * Chuck: Some would argue that you just made the Earth a little easier for a new breed of steak sauce-craving bears to take over.
 * Frylock: I'm not here to talk about any bears, okay? That's the government's problem. My point is this: I'M RICH AS HELL!
 * Master Shake: And you're also a STUCK. UP. ASS. HOLE!!!

<hr width=50%>
 * Master Shake: Guess what! I developed a vaccine too!
 * Meatwad: This here's just steak sauce!
 * Master Shake: I get bored doing science stuff!
 * [Shake and Meatwad go outside]
 * Master Shake: Bring on the creatures of the night...
 * Meatwad: The vampires are all dead, man!
 * Master Shake: ...for I am immune!
 * [Shake pours steak sauce on himself. He looks around and throws the bottle to the ground]
 * Master Shake: It's driving the vampires away!
 * Meatwad: I know. 'Cause the vampires are dead!
 * Master Shake: Right. And I did that just now!
 * Meatwad: But look over there. A bunch of giant bears.
 * Master Shake: Yeah, well they're like Mormons. You treat 'em with respect [Meatwad retreats inside the house] and they'll be your friend for life.
 * [The bears approach Shake]
 * Master Shake: What's up, my bear bitches?!
 * [The bears prepare to attack]
 * Master Shake: This is the dumbest thing I've ever done!

Last Dance for Napkin Lad

 * Meatwad: [pointing a gun at Frylock] I'll waste him right now, he probably set us up!
 * Frylock: Easy, now! Whoa, whoa, man, I don't know nothing about no skeletons!
 * [dramatic music]
 * Master Shake:...skeletons?
 * Meatwad: Who said anything about skeletons?
 * Frylock: [nervously] Uhhhhhhh j-, no! I mean, ain't that what ya'll call them people who be after ya'll?
 * Master Shake: Not in any academy class I ever took.
 * Meatwad: Skeletons are what comes out your body after you rot in the ground for fifty years...with a slug of lead lodged in ya cranium. You think you understand me?

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 * Carl: Well, he's about to take his last freakin' bath. Computer, enter dive mode.
 * Napkin Lad: You can't do that! It's just a prototype, it's never been tested for undersea battle.
 * Carl: Then I guess we're gonna test it then, aren't we, Napkin Lad?
 * Napkin Lad: You're a madman!
 * Carl: It's good to be something.
 * [puts on Chickenfoot]

Jumpy George

 * Meatwad: You want me to do what, now?
 * Master Shake: It's a paying gig! NOW you're complaining?! Fine, I'll get somebody else!
 * Meatwad: Fine. You do that.
 * Master Shake: ...Okay, fine, you called my bluff. But that is the LAST TIME that will EVER happen, or Santa Claus will burn all your toys.
 * Meatwad: You're bluffin'.
 * [Shake stares him down]
 * Meatwad: You ain't bluffin'. Santa Claus will burn my toys!
 * Master Shake: What can I do? Far away, in the North Pole, Santa is just CLICKING a lighter to his gas-soaked toys.
 * Meatwad: C-call the elves! The elves know that- they know- I'VE BEEN GOOD DOWN HERE!
 * Master Shake: Not good enough! Not until you make this right with both me and with Father Christmas.
 * Frylock: Make what right, Shake?
 * Master Shake: (pulls out joy buzzer) Oh, hey, man! Gimme five, up top!
 * Frylock: I can see the hand buzzer, man.
 * Master Shake: (to Meatwad) YOU TOLD HIM, YOU JUDAS!
 * Meatwad: Hey, Frylock, I'm babysittin' tonight or Santa Claus gonna burn all my toys down.
 * Frylock: Meatwad, Santa Claus would never burn all your toys, 'cause he doesn't exist.
 * Meatwad: He what?
 * Master Shake: Then how do you explain all the cookies he eats, huh?
 * Meatwad: Yeah, how do you explain that?
 * Frylock: Well, I...I haven't figured out how the cookies disappear, okay!
 * Master Shake: Then don't POP OFF about things you don't even know about!
 * Meatwad: I thought I was gonna have to call 911.
 * Master Shake: And we don't have a phone, do we? Do we, out-of-work scientist?!

<hr width=50%>
 * Carl: Look, I'm layin' all my cards on the table here. I want us to have an honest relationship right off the bat. I couldn't help but notice that you got kids. How tight are you?
 * Master Shake: Carl, that is inappropriate. As is the diarrhea on the back of your shirt
 * Carl: I-I must apologize. It was like I sat down on a flamethrower back there, you know? You can relate. [To the store clerk] And you need to stock your bathroom better! I had to run out here with my pants around my ankles and grab some napkins!

<hr width=50%>
 * Err: I'm handicapped, man! 'Cause I'm drunk!

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 * Err: Man, you told that pig off! And that bitch, and that judge, and that guy at the jail that raped you!
 * Ignignokt: They all know where to go and how to eat it now. I have told them where their dinner is and what it is.

<hr width=50%> [Carl and Shake's date is unconscious in 2 Wicked's trunk]
 * Master Shake: Wow. This is embarrassing, but... can we borrow $15.92?
 * Carl: Well, I got chips too, so w-we need money for those too. But, uh, I'll pay you back later... with my world-famous chest massage. (laughs) Ya hear me? Wake up.
 * Master Shake: Hey, wake up. WAKE UUUUUUUUUUUP! (to Carl) What'd I tell ya? Poke holes in the trunk!
 * Carl: Dig around in her purse, see her for a 20. I mean, those guys is still waiting at the cash register for us.
 * Master Shake: (dropping flower petals) You do it.
 * Carl: What the hell is th- what are you doin'?!
 * Master Shake: Rose petals! I'm building a little bridge...to FUCKTOWN!
 * Carl: Alright, look. (sighs) I got diarrhea. Bad. So you don't make no seduction moves with MY date while I'm gone, I got my eye on you!

Lasagna

 * Nick: Oh, yeah, yeah, you know, I-I fantasize about, uh, just walkin' in there with a gun and, heh, if he asks me to fax one more thing I will...fax his head to Jesus on the back of a hollow point

<hr width=50%>
 * [Carl is at Anger Management]
 * Carl: Look, I don't even know why I'm here. I love women. And that's why I pay them 40 dollars to have sex with me for money. And I would never dream of hitting a woman until the second she decides to chomp down on my tongue. Then I star whaling away! I gotta do something to free my face and get ouf of that van.

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 * [Shake drops a pan of lasagna in Carl's yard attached to a retractable leash]
 * Master Shake: C'mon fat boy! Look what's cookin'!
 * Lance: Scam Wow! That's some serious lasagna!
 * Carl: My neighbor, he makes good pasta and every once in a while he leaves some in the yard... to taunt me. But today is the day.
 * Master Shake: Hey, Carl, good afternoon. I just brought some lasagna for you.
 * Carl: Yeah, I can see that. But you didn't deliver it, no. You put it in the middle of my yard.
 * Master Shake: Ah, I just thought you'd maybe wanna take a little brisk walk! I mean, there are four kinds of cheese in there.
 * Carl: No, no. I know your game, Shake. You left it right in the middle of the yard 'cause you know I'll go after it.
 * Master Shake: Don't let it get cold- Uh-oh. Carl, look at this, [Shake reels it in] the ants are starting to run off with it!
 * Carl: Yeah well, I guess they'll get it this time.
 * Master Shake: Wow, I just-I intercepted it myself, [picks up the lasagna] ...you know, from the ants.
 * Carl: I don't give a damn, cup.
 * Master Shake: Oh...well that's too bad. I guess I'll just... [lifts manhole cover] ...toss this down the sewer in front of you. Mm...this probably was the best batch I ever made.
 * Carl: Don't do that.
 * Master Shake: Oh-oh...you didn't...you didn't want any of this, did you?
 * Carl: (brokenly) You know I do.
 * Master Shake: Then let's see if you've got the legs for it [tosses the lasagna back into Carl's yard].
 * Carl: Let me just get a little closer and get a closer look. [Shake reels it in] Get back here! Get back here!
 * Master Shake: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
 * Carl: Get back here! [runs into the electric fence and shocks himself] Ahhh!!
 * Master Shake: Ohhh, so close to marinara town!
 * Carl: I get this necklace off in three months, cup, and you're dead!
 * Master Shake: Well, I'll see you in the fall, fats!

<hr width=50%>
 * Doctor: Well, first off, I would stop drinking any milkshake that claims to be medicine