Archer (season 7)


 * Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 - Vice 6 7 8 - Dreamland | Main

The following is a list of quotes from the seventh season Archer.

The Figgis Agency [7.01]

 * [Malory pours Cyril a glass of champagne]
 * Cyril: But, I doubt they've got the disc yet. Isn't it a little premature to be celebrating?
 * Malory: Who's celebrating? We're out of liquor. But I admit, I'm cautiously optimistic.
 * Cyril: Because out here you can buy liquor at the grocery store?
 * Malory: Literally the only thing about Los Angeles that doesn't make me want to vomit.


 * [Alan shoots]
 * Alan: Ah!
 * [Alan shoots]
 * Alan: Ah!
 * [Alan shoots]
 * Alan: Ah!
 * [Alan shoots]
 * Alan: Ah!
 * [Alan shoots]
 * Alan: Ah!
 * [Alan shoots]
 * Alan: Ah!
 * [Alan shoots]
 * Alan: Ah!
 * [Alan shoots]
 * Alan: Ah!

Bel Panto: Part I [7.05]

 * Archer: Guys, come on, what's going on here?
 * Malory: I was just explaining some basic tenets of fieldcraft to these three.
 * Archer: Yeah, you gotta blend, but I meant what's going on hors d'oeuvre-wise?
 * Pam: Wouldn't you like to...
 * Malory: Ahem. Blend.
 * Pam: [each presenting platters] This is a deconstructed slider made from certified Kobe beef from Hyogo prefecture, with a tarragon aioli.
 * Ray: Tapas of pata negra jamon iberica, topped with queso Torta del Casar.
 * Cyril: And these are tiny quiches, probably made from endangered quail eggs, or...
 * Archer: No, none of this is that. [Takes one from each platter and puts them together] This is the world's most expensive Mc10:35.

Deadly Velvet: Part I [7.09]

 * Archer: Because you said we were on a break!
 * Lana: So two days later your cock's wet?
 * Archer: [scoffs] Oh, I'm sorry, Lana, is there a grace period? Because...
 * [they begin arguing over each other]
 * Lana: There is an acceptable amount of time...
 * Archer: ...if there is, you neglected to tell me about it...
 * Lana: ...before you start cramming your trash dick...
 * Archer: ...but I guess that's par for the course with you...
 * Lana: ...into every woman unlucky enough to walk by with...
 * Archer: ...because you never bother to consult with me on... Sterling Archer,
 * Lana: anything!
 * Archer: And for your information, this stupid break wasn't my idea, it was yours!
 * Lana: Because you, prolapsed rectum that you are, are infatuated with Veronica Deane, whose cobwebby old snooch, by the way... [looking at Archer's crotch] I can smell from here!
 * Archer: [chuckling] Well, it's not cobwebby anymore.
 * [Archer drinks directly from the champagne bottle he had been holding in front of his exposed privates. Lana attacks him]


 * Malory: And what the hell are you wearing?
 * Archer: I think, technically, it's a... loincloth?
 * [pause]
 * Archer: Fashioned out of a baby-doll nightie.
 * [Malory lifts a finger to say something, then lets out a sigh]
 * Archer: Well, sorry, Mother. I didn't know I was going to a funeral.
 * [pauses]
 * Archer: [looks to Lana] I would've worn a black one.
 * [everyone gives him a stern look except Lana, who closes her eyes and shakes her head]

Deadly Velvet: Part II [7.10]

 * [chatter on police radio]
 * Harris: Well, what do you think?
 * Deitrich: I think that in my next life I'm gonna come back as a movie star.
 * Harris: Yeah, Look out, gay porn.
 * Deitrich: Rim shot.
 * Harris: Yeah, that could be your name. So what, some movie star lives here?
 * Deitrich: Yes, Veronica Deane. Don-don't you remember? She's a person of interest in the other murder we're working.
 * Harris: No shit.
 * Deitrich: Wait, what are you—? We were just questioning her ten hours ago! He was her alibi.
 * Harris: You like her?
 * Deitrich: As an actress, or for this homicide?
 * Harris: Both.
 * Deitrich: Loved her in Shanghai Moon.
 * Harris: Oh, my God, that dress?
 * Deitrich: Right? But as for Tennessee Tuxedo here, I want to talk to her. See if she knows who tried to weight him down... with an ounce of lead. Found it on the ground, over there, by the table.
 * Harris: Is it hers?
 * Deitrich: Hard to tell with no serial number.
 * Harris: Yeah, probably why they put them on there.
 * Deitrich: Rim shot.
 * Harris: Hey, you should ask Veronica Deane if her agent reps gay porn stars.
 * Deitrich: And maybe if she murdered this guy.
 * Harris: Huh, you've got a real knack for this.
 * Deitrich: Rim Schott.
 * Harris: How was that funny?
 * Deitrich: No, as my gay porn name. Not bad.