Arsenic and Old Lace

Arsenic and Old Lace is a 1944 film about a drama critic who must cope with his bizarre extended family on his wedding day, including his two spinster aunts who have an unusual habit of poisoning lonely old men.
 * ''Directed by Frank Capra. Written by Joseph Kesselring, Julius J. Epstein and Philip G. Epstein.

Mortimer Brewster

 * Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.
 * When I come back, I expect to find you gone. Wait for me!
 * [to elderly guest] You... Get out of here! D'ya wanna be poisoned? D'ya wanna be murdered? D'ya wanna be killed?
 * [to Dr. Einstein] Stop underplaying, I can't hear you!
 * [to his aunts] This is developing into a very bad habit! I don't know if I can explain it to you. It's not only against the law, it's wrong!
 * Even the cat's in on it!
 * [on telephone] Hello... Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? [Hangs up] Well, then I must be here.
 * [to Jonathan] Where did you get that face? Hollywood?
 * [explaining to Elaine why they shouldn't be married] You wouldn't want to have children with three heads, would you? I mean, you wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. Oh, it would be bad.
 * [singing] There is a Happy Dale, far, far away...
 * [on the telephone] Yes, operator, I'd like the Happy Dale Sanatorium, Happy Dale, New York. Come on, operator, what's taking so long? They're just across the river. I could swim it faster! No, I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry. I want the Happy Dale Sanatorium. Sanatorium, sanatorium, sanatorium. Yes, yes, like a broken record. Hello &mdash; what? They're busy? Busy? Look, they're busy and you're dizzy. No, I am not drunk, madam, but you've given me an idea. [throws down the phone in disgust]
 * All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. Amazing.
 * [trying to make Jonathan leave] Now, here's ten dollars. Why don't you be a good sport and go out and haunt yourself a hotel?
 * [Meeting with Dr. Gilchrist in the cemetery] Pull up a tombstone!
 * Certainly there are thirteen bodies in the cellar and there are hundreds more in the attic!
 * [watching the fighting, lighting up a cigarette] I got the papers signed &mdash; papers are all signed, what do I care? Go ahead &mdash; fight, fight. [watching the police trying to bring down Jonathan with a shoe] Oh, don't do that. It never works. [Jonathan collapses] What do you know? it worked!
 * [last lines] No, no. I'm not a Brewster. I'm the son of a sea-cook! Ha! Ha!

Elaine Harper

 * We were married today. We were going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Your brother tries to kill me. A taxi is waiting and now you want to sleep on a window seat. You can take the honeymoon, your wedding ring, your taxi, your window seat, and put 'em in a barrel and push 'em all over Niagara Falls!

Jonathan Brewster

 * We better not leave the car parked in the street; it might be against the law.
 * [repeated line] Go to bed, Aunt Abby!
 * [to Mortimer] If you tell O'Hara what's in the window seat, I'll tell him what's in the cellar. There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead.
 * This time, I want the face of an absolute non-entity!
 * The home of my youth... As a child, I wanted to escape it. Now, I want to escape back into it.
 * Who do I look like, Boris Karloff?

Teddy

 * CHAAARGE!!!
 * (when told that his "term of office" is over) Is this March the 4th? (Mortimer: Practically.)
 * I shall be in my office vetoing some bills.

Dialogue

 * Dr. Einstein: At least people in plays act like they've got sense.
 * Mortimer: Oh, you think so? Did you ever see anybody in a play act like they got any intelligence?
 * Dr. Einstein: [agonizing] How can anybody be so stupid!


 * Elaine: But Mortimer, you're going to love me for my mind, too.
 * Mortimer: One thing at a time!


 * Mortimer: Yeah, yeah, I know that bromide. Something borrowed, something blue - old, new! Rice and old shoes, carry you over the threshold, Niagara Falls &mdash; all the silly tripe I've made fun of for years. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you and that's that!
 * Elaine: [adoring] Yes, Mortimer.
 * Mortimer: What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? Aren't you going to make a scene?
 * Elaine: [adoring] No, Mortimer.
 * Mortimer: And don't "No, Mortimer" me either! Don't... Don't you see, marriage is a superstition, it... It's old-fashioned, it's... I... Ohhhh...
 * [He kisses her and hauls her into the marriage license office]


 * Teddy Brewster: I must be catching cold.
 * Abby Brewster: No, dear, it was Reverend Harper who sneezed.


 * Rev. Harper: Have you ever tried to persuade him that he wasn't Teddy Roosevelt?
 * Abby: Oh, no.
 * Martha Brewster: Oh, he's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.
 * Abby: Oh... Do you remember, Martha, once, a long time ago, we thought if he'd be George Washington, it would be a change for him, and we suggested it.
 * Martha: And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody.


 * [Discussing the body count]
 * Dr. Einstein: You got twelve, they got twelve.
 * Jonathan Brewster: I've got thirteen!
 * Dr. Einstein: No, Johnny, twelve &mdash; don't brag.
 * Jonathan: Thirteen! There's Mr. Spinalzo and the first one in London, two in Johannesburg, one in Sydney, one in Melbourne, two in San Francisco, one in Phoenix, Arizona...
 * Dr. Einstein: Phoenix?
 * Jonathan: The filling station...
 * Dr. Einstein: Filling station? Oh!
 * [Dr. Einstein draws a finger across his throat]
 * Dr. Einstein: Yes.
 * Jonathan: Then three in Chicago and one in South Bend.
 * Dr. Einstein: You cannot count the one in South Bend. He died of pneumonia!
 * Jonathan: He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him!
 * Dr. Einstein: No, no, Johnny. You cannot count him. You got twelve, they got twelve. The old ladies is just as good as you are!


 * Mortimer: The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt.
 * Teddy: Code for Roosevelt?
 * Mortimer: Yes. Don't you see? Take the name Brewster, take away the B, and what have you got?
 * Teddy: Rooster!
 * Mortimer: Uh-huh. And what does a rooster do?
 * Teddy: Crows.
 * Mortimer: It crows. And where do you hunt in Africa?
 * Teddy: On the veldt!
 * Mortimer: There you are: crows &mdash; veldt!
 * Teddy: Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department.


 * Mortimer: Aunt Abby, how can I believe you? There are twelve bodies in the cellar and you admit you poisoned them.
 * Abby: Yes, I did. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib.


 * Elaine: Well, that's a fine thing. We're married one minute and you're throwing me out of the house the next.
 * Mortimer: I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house. Will you get out of here?
 * [He pushes her out and slams the door]


 * [after finding the dead body in the window seat]
 * Mortimer: But &mdash; what happened to him?
 * Martha: [cheerfully] He died.


 * Teddy: Mr. Witherfork!
 * Mr. Witherspoon: Spoon!
 * Mortimer: [hands him spoon] Oh, here you go.


 * Elaine: But, Mortimer &mdash; Niagara Falls.
 * Mortimer: [distracted] It does? Well, let it.


 * Jonathan: Perhaps we should introduce ourselves. This is Dr. Einstein.
 * Elaine: Dr. Einstein?
 * Jonathan: Yes, a surgeon of great distinction... and something of a magician.
 * Elaine: Now, I suppose you're going to tell me that you're Boris Kar&mdash;
 * Jonathan: I am Jonathan Brewster!


 * Jonathan: Teddy, I think it's time for you to go to bed.
 * Teddy: I beg your pardon. Who are you?
 * Jonathan: I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed!
 * Teddy: No, you're not Wilson, but your face is familiar. Let me see. You're not anyone I know right now &mdash; perhaps later on my hunting trip. Yes, you look like someone I might meet in the jungle.


 * Mortimer: [Speaking of a character in a play he has seen] He just sits there waiting to be gagged and tied &mdash; the big dope! [Jonathan sneaks up from behind and bounds Mortimer up with rope and a mouth gag]
 * Dr. Einstein: You know, you were right about that fellow. He wasn't very bright.


 * Cab Driver: I knew this would end up in the nuthouse.
 * Mr. Witherspoon: [offended] We like to think of it as a rest home!


 * Mortimer: You mean you knew what you'd done and you didn't want the Reverend Harper to see the body?
 * Abby: Well, not at tea. That wouldn't have been very nice.

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 * Dr. Einstein: Johnny, why did you kill that man? He was being nice to us and gave us a ride.
 * Jonathan: He said I looked like Boris Karloff!

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 * Mortimer: Teddy's killed a man, darlings!
 * Martha: Oh, nonsense!
 * Mortimer: But there's a body in the window seat.
 * Abby: Yes, dear, we know.
 * Mortimer: You know?
 * Martha: Of course.
 * Abby: Yes, but it has nothing to do with Teddy.
 * Mortimer: But...but...
 * Abby: Now, Mortimer, you just forget about it. Forget you ever saw the gentleman.
 * Mortimer: Forget?!
 * Abby: We never dreamed you'd peek.

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 * Mortimer: Men don't just get into window seats and die!
 * Abby: Of course not, dear. He died first.
 * Mortimer: But how?
 * Abby: The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. Now, I don't know why you're making such a big deal over this, Mortimer. Don't you worry about a thing!

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 * Jonathan: Tonight, we are taking care of Mortimer. And just for him we'll have something special. I plan on using the Melbourne method.
 * Dr. Einstein: [cringing] No! Not the Melbourne method, please! Two hours!

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 * Mortimer: Teddy, I'd like to introduce you to a doctor.
 * Teddy: Dr. Livingstone?
 * Dr. Gilchrist: He thinks I'm Livingstone?
 * Mortimer: Uh, that's what he presumes.

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 * Lt. Rooney: Who are you? What's your name?
 * Mortimer: Well, usually I'm Mortimer Brewster, but I'm not quite myself today.

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 * Abby: Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in half with his teeth?
 * Mortimer: Oh, Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now.

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 * Mortimer: Wait outside.
 * Dr. Gilchrist: But it's Halloween!
 * Mortimer: Oh, don't worry about Halloween. The pixies won't be out till after midnight

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 * Jonathan: And now doctor... we go to work!
 * Dr. Einstein: No, Johnny. I cannot operate without a drink!
 * Jonathan: Pull yourself together, doctor!
 * Dr. Einstein: I cannot pull myself together without a drink!

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 * [Mortimer is feeling amorous in the cemetery with Elaine]
 * Elaine: Mortimer! Right out here in the open with everyone looking?
 * Mortimer: Yes, right out here in the open with everyone looking. Let everyone in Brooklyn over sixteen look!

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 * Mortimer: What is this? Did everyone in Brooklyn know I was getting married but me?
 * Martha: We knew you'd find out in time.

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 * Teddy: This is a picture of when I take my hunting trip to Africa. This is me, and this is you.
 * Dr. Einstein: My how I've changed.

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 * Teddy: [charging up the stairs] CHARGE!!!Charge the block house!!!
 * Reverend Harper: The blockhouse?
 * Abby: Yes. The stairs are always San Juan Hill.

Other

 * Cab Driver: I'm not a cab driver. I'm a Coffee Pot!

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 * Dr. Einstein: Where am I? Oh, here I am.

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 * Dr. Einstein: We got a hot stiff on our hands!

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 * Martha: One of our gentlemen found time to say 'How delicious!' before he died.

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 * Martha: For a gallon of elderberry wine, I take one teaspoon full of arsenic, then add half a teaspoon full of strychnine, and then just a pinch of cyanide.

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 * Police Sgt. Brophy: They're two of the dearest, sweetest, kindest, old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves.

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 * Reporter: Seems like the same suckers get married everyday.

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 * Baseball Fan: I'll knock you off, you big stiff! You're a bum!

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 * Abby: Now Mortimer, you behave. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this!

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 * Abby: [finding the dead body of Mr. Spinelzo in the windowseat] Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so crowded anyone thinks they can be put in here. We've always wanted a double funeral. But I refuse to hold services for a total stranger.

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 * Dr. Einstein: [hat falling across his eyes] Well, I'm off to Panama. Bon voyage!

Cast

 * Cary Grant — Mortimer Brewster
 * Josephine Hull — Aunt Abby Brewster
 * Jean Adair — Aunt Martha Brewster
 * Raymond Massey - Jonathan Brewster
 * Peter Lorre - Dr. Einstein
 * Priscilla Lane - Elaine
 * John Alexander - Uncle "Teddy" Brewster
 * Grant Mitchell - Reverend Harper
 * Edward Everett Horton - Mr. Witherspoon
 * Vaughan Glaser - Judge Cullman (final film role)
 * Chester Clute - Dr. Gilchrist
 * Garry Owen - Taxi Cab Driver
 * Edward McWade - Mr. Gibbs (final film role)