Austin Powers in Goldmember

Austin Powers in Goldmember is a 2002 film in which Austin Powers, upon learning that his father has been kidnapped, must travel to 1975 and defeat the aptly-named villain Goldmember - who is working with Dr. Evil. The film was released in theaters July 26, 2002 in United States.


 * Directed by Jay Roach. Written by Mike Myers and Michael McCullers.

He's still evil... He's still deadly... and he's still surrounded by frickin' idiots! taglines

Dialogue

 * [First lines; From Austinpussy]
 * Austin (Tom Cruise): [takes off his glasses] Yeah Baby!
 * ["Tom Cruise as Austin Powers" appear. Then sees the motorcyclist, who turns out to be a woman, and puts his glasses back on]
 * Dixie (Gwyneth Paltrow): [walks up to him] Hi I'm Dixie, Dixie Normous. ["Gwyneth Paltrow as Dixie Normous" appear] I may just be a small town FBI agent slash single mother, but I'm still tough, and sexy.
 * Austin (Cruise): Well Miss Normous, shall we shag now, or shag later?
 * Dixie (Paltrow): Oh Austin, Behave!
 * [They kiss, until...]
 * Dr. Evil (Kevin Spacey): Hey, Powers! [they look at him] You better watch your frigging self because this is one doctor who does make house-calls. ["Kevin Spacey as Dr. Evil" appear] Right, mini-me?
 * Mini-me (Danny Devito): [flipping the bird while smoking a cigar] Hey, assholes! ["Danny DeVito as Mini-Me" appears] I'm right over here! I'm Mini-me! Come and get me! [fires an automatic assault rifle in the air]
 * [The word "Austinpussy" appears, before it was revealed to be the movie studio]
 * Spielberg: So Austin, what did you think of the opening credits?
 * Austin: Well, I can't believe Sir Steven Spielberg, the grooviest filmmaker in the history of cinema is making a mooovie about my life. Very shagadelic, baby. Yeah! (laughs) Having said that, I do have some thoughts.
 * Spielberg: Really? [holds up an Oscar] My friend here thinks it's fine the way it is.
 * Austin: Well, no offense, Sir Stevie... [holds up the word 'mojo'] ...but you've gotta have mojo baby. Yeah! [blows the word into colorful dust] Hit it!
 * [The theme song plays]


 * Dr. Evil: Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations. Preparations A through G were a complete failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam, which we shall call...Preparation H. [Scott snickers] What?
 * Scott Evil: Why don't you just call it operation ass-cream, you ass.
 * Dr. Evil: I'm sorry, did you say you want some ice cream?
 * Scott Evil: Yes, I'd love some chocolate ass-cream.
 * Dr. Evil: Perhaps later.
 * Number 2: Dr. Evil, I love your plan.
 * Dr. Evil: You do?
 * Frau Farbissina: Ja. It's a really good plan.
 * Dr. Evil: Yes Frau, on the whole Preparation H feels good. [Scott resumes snickering] What is it now?
 * Scott Evil: No, I totally agree with you. Preparation H does feel good...on the hole.
 * Frau Farbissina: Well, I’m glad we're sprechen Sie the same lingitty, ja.
 * Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen, using my time machine I shall travel back to 1975, pick up Goldmember and bring him back to the future. And the best part of this plan is...no one can stop me. Not even...Austin Powers. [laughs evilly]
 * [They all laugh maliciously, except Scott]
 * Austin Powers: [arrives with a gun] Not so fast. [the police aim their guns at Dr. Evil and Mini-Me] You're surrounded, Doctor Evil.
 * Dr. Evil: [defeated once again] Shit.


 * [Basil brings in three sailors]
 * Basil: Austin, these men were assigned to guard your father. [to the sailors] Okay, chaps. Chins up, trousers down. [to Austin] I think we may have found a clue.
 * [The sailors pull down their pants, and Austin is shocked to see what they have exposed]
 * Austin: Cor blimey! All your privates have had their privates painted gold! How bizarre! Imagine, gilded tally-whackers, golden wedding tackle, 14-karat trouser snakes.
 * Basil: That's enough.
 * Austin: Okay. Basil, there's only one person in the world who truly understands the psychology of a madman.
 * Austin and Basil: Dr. Evil.


 * Young Dr. Evil: [checking the class rankings] Hey everybody, I'm #1!
 * Young Number 2: Hello. I'm Number 2.
 * Young Dr. Evil: Pleased to meet you, Number 2. But now, I'm finally going to be this year’s international man of mystery! [laughs evilly]
 * [Young Number 2 laughs along with Young Dr. Evil]
 * Boy: [off screen] Shut your gob! [throws a cupcake at Dr. Evil]
 * Young Dr. Evil: Ow! [the students laugh] Who throws a cupcake? Honestly.


 * Austin: How can I find this Goldmember?
 * Dr. Evil: Quid pro quo, Mr. Powers.
 * Austin: Yes. Squid pro row.
 * Dr. Evil: I give you Goldmember, you give me a transfer to a regular prison, so that I can be with my beloved Mini-Me.


 * Austin: Listen, dad, if you are are going to talk about naughty things in front of these American girls then at least speak English English.
 * Nigel: [looks back at the girls] All right, my son: I could've had it away with this cracking Julie, my old China. [Subtitle: I was about to make love to this pretty girl.]
 * Austin: Are you telling pork-pies and a bag of trout? Because if you are feeling quigly, why not just have a J. Arthur? [Is this true? If you were aroused, why didn't you pleasure yourself?]
 * Nigel: What, billy no mates? [What, alone?]
 * Austin: Too right, youth. [Indeed.]
 * Nigel: Don't you remember the crimbo din-din we had with the grotty Scots bint? [Remember Christmas dinner with the Scottish girl?]
 * Austin: Oh, the one that was all sixes and sevens! [The insane one?]
 * Nigel: Yeah, yeah, she was the trouble and strife of the Morris dancer what lived up the apples and pears! [She was the wife of the dancer who lived upstairs.]
 * Austin: She was the barrister what become a bobby in a lorry and... [A lawyer who became a policeman in a truck] [inaudiably] [????????...]
 * Austin and Nigel: -St. Regis tea kettle!
 * Nigel: And then, and then-
 * Austin and Nigel: She shat on a turtle!


 * Goldmember: Would you like a shmoke and a pancake?
 * Austin: ...What?
 * Goldmember: A shmoke and a pancake. You know, a flapjack and a shigarette? No? [Austin shakes head] Shigar and a waffle? No? [Austin shakes head again] Pipe and a crepe? No? [again] Bong and a blintz?
 * Austin and Nigel: No.
 * Goldmember: Well, then there ish no pleashing you.
 * Austin: [quietly] That's not right.


 * Foxxy: Basil, what's happenin', baby?
 * Basil: A lot is happening, Foxxy. Dr. Evil has escaped! The good news is that one of our agents has managed to infiltrate Dr. Evil's organization.
 * Austin: Excellent, Basil. We've been trying for years to get a mole into Dr. Evil's lair; we now have that mole.
 * Basil:: Yes! Ah, and here he is.
 * [Number Three enters]
 * Austin: So you're the... [zooms up on the mole's mole] mo-o-ole, mo-o-o-le...
 * Foxxy: Mo-ost, most...most excellent agent we've ever seen.
 * Austin: Yes, most...excellent...agent...we've...ever seen.
 * Foxxy: Mm-hmmm.
 * Austin: [quietly to Foxxy] Thank you.
 * Number Three: Thank you. Now, I wasn't able to get an exact location, but I did learn that Dr. Evil has moved to a new lair outside of Tokyo Japan. [awkward pause] By the way, I realize that I have a large mole on my face.
 * Austin: Where? [laughs nervously] What? Where's that mole? I...didn't see one.
 * Number Three: I also realize the irony that I am myself a mole.
 * Austin: [nervously) No one would make that connection. [he and Foxxy look at each other]
 * Basil: [to Number Three] Anyway, well done, old chap. Jolly good work.
 * Austin: Yes, nice to mole you - meet you! Nice to meet your mole. Don't say "mole".
 * Foxxy: Stop it.
 * Austin: I said "mole".
 * Foxxy: Stop!
 * Number Three: Bye.
 * Austin: Mole. [Basil and Number Three approach the elevator] Mo-ole... [Basil holds up his finger] Mole!
 * Basil: [irritated] OH, SHUT UP! [leaves]
 * Austin: [tries to hold it in, but cannot] Moley, moley, moley, moley, moley!
 * [An annoyed Number Three leaves also]


 * [Deleted scene in Infinifilm edition]
 * Dr. Evil: Goldmember, I have an anagram for you: "I fit iron dick."
 * Goldmember: Yes. "I fit iron dick." Yes, it's an anagram, so it's a jumble word. Okay, jumbling, jumbling...Carry the 7...Divided by...Yes...
 * Dr. Evil: Yeah, can't get it? "I fit iron dick," "frickin' idiot." (spells it to the tune to 'Old McDonald Had a Farm') F-r-i-c-k-i-n' i-d-i-o-t. With a frick-frick here and a frick-frick there; here a frick, there a frick, everywhere a frick-frick. Dr. Evil had a suuu-ubbb...filled with...frick-in idiots.


 * Dr. Evil: Lower the globe!
 * Frau Farbassina: LOWER THE GLOBE!!!!
 * [Goldmember flinches, the globe falls onto Dr. Evil's head]
 * Dr. Evil: Ow! Ow!
 * Goldmember: Scheiße!
 * Dr. Evil: [now stuck] Well, congratulations, numb-nuts! You've succeeded in turning me into a frickin' Jack-in-the-Box! Get it off, get it off! It's dark, it's dark! [Number 2 pulls the globe off his head] Okay, I'm okay. [Goldmember chuckles] Release the meteor!
 * Frau Frabassina: RELEASE THE METEOR!!!!
 * [Goldmember flinches again; Mini-me swings a gold meteor model into Dr. Evil's genitals]
 * Dr. Evil: [falls over] Ohh! Oh! Ohh, no way!
 * Goldmember: Right in the kinicke.
 * Dr. Evil: God damn it! Oh! Guys! [to Mini-me who shrugs afterwards] Way to go, a-hole! Alright, hold on while I try and find my balls, for God's sakes. [whispers] 1, 2, and 3. [normally] Okay, I'm okay. [sits back down in his moving chair]
 * Goldmember: Dr. Evil, we have the ultimate insurance polichy. May I present to you, the very sexual, the very toit, Austin Power's fahza!
 * Dr. Evil: His what?
 * Number 2: His fazha, Dr. Evil.
 * Dr. Evil: His farjer? [Number 2 nods] What's farjer?
 * Goldmember: His fazha, ya know the fazha.
 * Dr. Evil: Yeah, Goldmember, I don't speak freaky-deaky Dutch. Okay, perv-boy?
 * Goldmember: Fazha, his dad. Dad is fazha.
 * Dr. Evil: Oh, his dad. [realizes] Oh! His father.
 * Goldmember: Yes, I have a Dutch accent. Isn't that weird?
 * Dr. Evil: Father, Father. Ah, Nigel Powers.
 * Nigel: [enters with the guards] Hello, hello. [slaps Frau on her rear] Ha-ha-ha.
 * Dr. Evil: Bring him to me.
 * Nigel: Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy. Oh, put the guns down. Is-is this the first day on the job or something? Look, this is how it goes, you attack me, one at a time, and I knock you out with a single punch. Okay? Go. [the two guards listen] Judo chop! [karate chops on 2 guards]
 * Dr. Evil: Oh, he's good.
 * Nigel: [to third guard] Do you know who I am? [the third guard nods] Have you any idea how many anonymous henchmen I've killed over the years? [the third guard nods again] And look at you, you haven't even got a name tag. You got no chance. Why don't you just fall down? Go on, son. [the third guard complies] All right, Dr. Evil, give yourself up while you still got a chance. [handgun chambers behind Nigel] Okay, okay, you got me.
 * Dr. Evil: Nigel Powers, I'd like you to meet Mini-me.
 * Nigel: Oh, blimey! [looks down at Mini-me] I thought I smelled cabbage.
 * Dr. Evil: Take him away!
 * [While Mini-Me leads Nigel out of the room]
 * Goldmember: Uh-uh, Dr. Evil, can I paint his yoo-hoo gold? It's kind of my thing, ya know?
 * Dr. Evil: [piloting his chair over to Goldmember, and swivels it to look at him] How 'bout NO, you crazy Dutch bastard!?


 * [{}=Japanese translations]
 * Mr. Roboto: Watashi wa Roboto Industries no shachōdesu. Watashinonamaeha Mr. Robotodesu. [I am president of Roboto Industries. My name is Mr. Roboto.]
 * Austin: Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. [Thank you, Mr. Roboto] [in English; to the audience] I thank you.
 * Foxxy: Kyūna go renraku nimokakawarazu go raiten itadaki arigatōgozaimashita.[Thank you for seeing us on such short notice.]
 * Austin: [surprised] You speak Japanese?
 * Foxxy: A little.
 * Austin: Well, you might be a cunning linguist. but I'm a master debater. [both laugh, then he turns to Mr. Roboto] I'm looking for my father. He was kidnapped.
 * Mr. Roboto: [holds out a mushroom to Austin] Shītake o tabete kudasai. [Please eat some shit.]
 * Austin: "Please eat" what?!
 * Foxxy: Wait. [removes the white cups revealing rest of subtitle] He said: "Please eat some shiitake mushrooms".
 * Austin: Tell me, what do you know about my father's where...about...s?
 * Mr. Roboto: Hmm... [walks up to his bookcase] Anata no ninmu wa fukōna monodesu. [Your ass is happy.]
 * Austin: "Your ass is happy"?
 * Foxxy: No. [pulls down a bookcase cover, revealing the rest of the subtitle] He said: "Your assignment is an unhappy one".
 * Austin: Oh!
 * Mr. Roboto: [to a Japanese woman in white] Nezumi no mondai ga shinkokudesu. [I have a huge rod.]
 * [The woman gasps]
 * Austin: Nice potty-mouth, dirt bag!
 * Mr. Roboto: Nezumi no mondai ga shinkokudesu. [moves away from woman, revealing I have a huge rodent problem.]
 * Austin: Oh.
 * Mr. Roboto: Sukoshi hanashi ga soremasuga, zan'nen'na kotodesu. [A little off the topic but unfortunate nonetheless.]
 * Austin: Yes. Quite off-topic, thank you very much.
 * Mr. Roboto: Why don't I just speak in English?
 * Austin: That would be a good idea, now, wouldn't it? That way, I wouldn't misread the subtitles, making it look like you're saying things that are dirty.
 * Mr. Roboto: [lies] I have no whereabouts for your father, I'm sorry. I cannot help you.
 * [Austin and Foxxy politely stand and walk to the door]
 * Austin: [standing in the doorway] By the way, Kyodaina roddo o mottemasu...hoshīdesu.[I have a huge rod...I wish.] [closes the door, whispers quietly to Foxxy] Mr. Roboto is lying to us.
 * Foxxy: Tell me something I don't know.
 * Austin: I open-mouth kissed a horse once.
 * Foxxy: Say what?
 * Austin: That's something you don't know.


 * [A small replica of Godzilla runs amok in Tokyo. It’s revealed that Nigel’s Mini has run into the replica and is caught on it]
 * Japanese Man 1: Run! It's Godzilla!
 * Japanese Man 2: It looks like Godzilla, but due to International Copyright Laws, it's not.
 * Man 1: Still, we should run like it is Godzilla!
 * Man 2: [looking at the camera, breaking the fourth wall] Though it isn't.
 * [Both men scream and flee]


 * Goldmember: Breaker-breaker one-niner, this is Goldie Wang. Over.
 * Dr. Evil: Ten-four there, Goldie Wang. This is Rubber Duckie. What's your ten-twenty? Over.
 * Goldmember: I've got Preparation H in my rear and Smokey the Bear on my back pocket. We got us a convoy. Over.
 * Dr. Evil: Yee-haw! Copy that, you son of a bitch, pile of monkey nuts.


 * Number Three: Mini-Me has switched sides.
 * Austin: [realizes] Oh! Oh! [looks at Mini-Me] Sorry about that, old chap. [waves] Welcome aboard. [Mini-Me shrugs; looks back at Number Three] My mole-stake. [covers his mouth]
 * Number Three: What? [Austin shakes head; sighs] Look, just get it out of your system.
 * Austin: No, I'm fine.
 * Number Three: I insist. We can work better if you just-
 * Austin: [losing it] MOLE! Bloody mole! We're not supposed to talk about the bloody mole, but there's a bloody mole winking me in the face! I'm gonna chop it off, cut it up, and make some guaca-moley! [calming down]
 * Number Three: Better?
 * Austin: Yeah. [takes plant branch and pokes Number Three's mole with it]


 * Johnson: Sir, Dr. Evil's not bluffing. One of our satellites is falling out of orbit.
 * World Leader: Which one?
 * Johnson: It's the one that looks like a pair of-
 * [Cut to the fruit stand]
 * Woman: Melons! Big juicy melons! [holds two melons in front of her]
 * Man: Are they nice and firm?
 * Woman: Well, what do you think?
 * Man: [points to the sky] Look at that! It looks like a set of giant-
 * ''[Cut to a football game; 4 men are cheering with the letters "T","I","T", and "S" painted on their chests]
 * 2nd "T" Man: Hey! A and N, you're late!
 * [Two more men with the letters "A" and "N" arrive, forming "TITANS"]
 * "A" Man: How we doin’, man?!
 * All 6 men: Yeah! GO, TITANS!! Yeah!
 * "A" Man: Check it out! Those remind me of-
 * [Film pauses; cut to the Osbournes]
 * Ozzy: Boobs!
 * Sharon: Boobs, Ozzy?
 * Ozzy: These filmmakers are just ''[bleep]'ing' boobs!
 * Kelly: What do you mean, Dad?
 * Ozzy: Well, they're usin' the same [bleep]ing joke they did in the last Austin Powers movie.
 * Sharon: What [bleep]ing joke?
 * Jack: You know, the [bleep]ing joke about the long, smooth rocket that looks like some guy's-
 * [Cut back to the World Organization]
 * Leader: Johnson?
 * Johnson: Yes, sir?
 * Leader: Any sign of that satellite?
 * Johnson: No, sir. It's gone.


 * Goldmember: Not so fast, smarty-pants! Dr. Evil, you might not want to destroy the world, but I do! Preparation H goes ahead as planned. I'm going to flood the Earth! [laughs]
 * Foxxy: Think again, Goldmember! [points her gun at Goldmember]
 * Goldmember: Ahh! Foxxy Cleopatra! It's a shame I had to kill your partner. Too bad for you!
 * Foxxy: Too bad for me? How 'bout too bad for you? [holds the key in her hand]
 * Goldmember: [in terror] Oh, no! ''(Foxxy drops the key into the shark tank)
 * Goldmember: [panics] No-ho-ho! No-ho-ho-ho! (composes himself) Luckily, I keep a spare. [turns around and removes his genitals, turns around, and reveals another key] Look, everyone! My winky was a key!
 * Nigel: [in contempt] Only a bloody Dutchman.

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 * [Goldmember turns around, and it was John Travolta in the movie Austinpussy]
 * Goldmember (John Travolta): Hey, assholes! Do I have time for a last smoke and a pancake or what? [bites off the skin] I am from Holland! Isn't that weird?! [showing off some groovy dance moves]

<hr width=50%/>
 * Fat Bastard: Hey Powers!
 * Austin: Fat Bastard? But you're not fat anymore.
 * Fat Bastard: I went on the Subway diet. You know, just like Jared. I've lost 180 pounds.
 * Austin: Congratulations, baby.
 * Fat Bastard: Thank you. I do have a little bit of excess skin, though. Bit of a problem here, you know. And unfortunately, my neck does look like a vagina.

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 * [Last lines]
 * Scott: I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers! [laughs evilly, like Dr. Evil, then doing the disco dance]

Taglines

 * He's still evil... He's still deadly... and he's still surrounded by frickin' idiots!
 * What do you call a swinger old enough to be your father? Daddy!
 * A New Breed of Evil.
 * This summer's biggest movie has a secret, baby!

Cast

 * Mike Myers - Austin Powers/Dr. Evil/Fat Bastard/Goldmember
 * Beyoncé - Foxxy Cleopatra
 * Michael York - Basil Exposition
 * Robert Wagner - Number Two
 * Rob Lowe - Young Number Two
 * Seth Green - Scott Evil
 * Mindy Sterling - Frau Farbissina
 * Verne Troyer - Mini-Me
 * Michael Caine - Nigel Powers
 * Steven Spielberg - Himself
 * Fred Savage - Number Three