Avenue Q

Avenue Q is a Tony Award-winning Broadway musical.

"Everyone's a Little Bit Racist"

 * Brian: Hey guys, what are you laughing about?
 * Gary: Racism!!
 * Brian: Cool!
 * Christmas Eve: Brian! Come back here! You take out recycrabres!
 * Princeton: What's that mean?
 * Brian: Um...recyclables.
 * All but Brian: *loud laughter*
 * Brian: Hey! Don't laugh at her! How many languages do you speak?
 * Kate : Oh, come off it, Brian! (LYRIC) Everyone's a little bit racist...
 * Brian: I'm not!
 * Princeton: Oh no?
 * Brian: Nope!
 * Princeton: Ha!
 * Brian: How many Oriental wives have you got?
 * Christmas Eve: What?! Brian!
 * Princeton: Brian, buddy, where've you been? The term is Asian-American!
 * Christmas Eve: I know you are no intending to be, but carring me "Orientar"... offensive to me!

-
 * Christmas Eve: The Jews have all the money and the Whites have all the power, and I'm arways in taxi-cab with driver who no shower!
 * Princeton: Me, too!
 * Kate: Me, too!
 * Gary: I can't even get a taxi!

-
 * Everyone's a little bit racist sometimes.
 * Doesn't mean we go around committing hate crimes!
 * Look around and you will find
 * No one's really color-blind.
 * Maybe it's a fact we all should face -
 * Everyone makes judgments... based on race!

-
 * Ethnic jokes may be uncouth,
 * But you laugh because they're based on truth!
 * Don't take them as personal attacks.
 * Everyone enjoys them... so relax!

-
 * Everyone's a little bit racist, it's true.
 * But everyone is just about as racist as you!
 * If we all could just admit
 * That we are racist a little bit,
 * And everyone stopped being so PC,
 * Maybe we could live in ... harmony!
 * Christmas Eve: Everyone's a rittre bit racist!

-
 * Gary: You were telling a black joke!
 * Princeton: Well, sure, Gary, but lots of people tell black jokes.
 * Gary: I don't.
 * Princeton: Well, of course, you don't. You're black! But I bet you tell Polack jokes, right?
 * Gary: Well, of course, I do. Ha-ha! Those stupid Polacks!

-

"What Do You Do With A B.A. In English? / It Sucks To Be Me"

 * Princeton: What do you do with a B.A. in English? What is my life going to be? Four years of college and plenty of knowledge, Have earned me this useless degree. I can't pay the bills yet, because I have no skills yet; The world is a big scary place, But somehow I can't shake the feeling I might make A difference to the human race...

-
 * Christmas Eve: Why you all so happy?
 * Nicky: Because our lives suck!
 * Christmas Eve: Your rives suck? I healing you correctry? Ha! I coming to this country for opportunities. Try to work in Korean deri, but I am Japanese. But with hard work I earn two masters degrees in sociar work and now I a therapist but I have no crients and I have an unemproyed fiancé and we have rots of birrs to pay! It suck to be me. It suck to be me. I say it suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck, it suck to be me!


 * Kate Monster: I'm kind of pretty, and pretty damn smart.
 * Brian:You are.
 * Kate Monster: (to Brian) Thanks! I like romantic things like music and art, and as you know I have a gigantic heart! So why don't I have a boyfriend? Fuck! It sucks to be me!

-
 * Gary: I'm Gary Coleman, from T.V.'s Different Strokes. I made a lot of money that got stolen by my folks! Now I'm broke and I'm the butt of everyone's jokes but I'm here, the superintendent on Avenue Q!
 * Everyone: It sucks to be you!
 * Kate: You win.
 * Everyone: It sucks to be you!
 * Brian: I feel better now.
 * Gary: Try having people stopping you to ask you, "What're you talking about, Willis?" It gets old.

"If You Were Gay"

 * Nicky: Well, okay, but just so you know
 * if you were gay
 * that'd be okay.
 * I mean because, hey! Ha!
 * I like you anyway!
 * Because you see,
 * if it were me,
 * I would feel free to say
 * that I was gay.
 * (But I'm not gay.)
 * Rod:Nicky,please!I am trying to read!
 * (sigh)What?!
 * Nicky:If you were queer,
 * I'd still be here,
 * Year after year,
 * Because you're dear
 * To me.
 * And I know that you,
 * Would accept me too,
 * If I told you today,
 * "Hey!Guess what,I'm gay"
 * But I'm not gay.
 * I'happy,
 * Just being with you.
 * Rod:High button shoes,pal Joey...
 * Nicky:So what should it,
 * Matter to me,
 * What you to do in
 * With guys?
 * Rod:Nicky,that's Gross!
 * Nicky:No,it's not!
 * If you were gay,
 * Rod:Awwh!
 * Nicky:I'd shout hooray!
 * Rod:I not listening!
 * Nicky:And here I'd stay,
 * Rod:La la la la la!!
 * Nicky:But I wouldn't get
 * In your way.
 * Rod:Aaaah!
 * Nicky: You can count on me
 * to always be
 * beside you every day,
 * to tell you "It's okay,
 * you were just born that way,
 * and, as they say,
 * it's in your DNA!"
 * You're GAY!
 * Rod: I am NOT gay!
 * Nicky: If you WERE gay.
 * Rod: Argh!

"Schadenfreude"

 * Nicky: "Schadenfreude", huh? What's that? Some kind of Nazi word?
 * Gary Coleman: Yup! It's German for "happiness at the misfortune of others".
 * Nicky: "Happiness at the misfortune of others" ... That is German!

-
 * Gary: Right now you are down and out, and feeling really crappy.
 * Nicky: I'll say.
 * Gary: And when I see how sad you are, it sort of makes me... happy!
 * Nicky: "Happy?!"
 * Gary: Sorry, Nicky, human nature, nothing I can do! It's Schadenfreude, making me feel glad that I'm not you!

-
 * Nicky: How about straight A students getting B's?
 * Gary: Exes getting STDs!
 * Nicky: Waking doormen from their naps!
 * Gary: Watching tourist reading maps!
 * Nicky: Football players getting tackled!
 * Gary: CEOs getting shackled!
 * Nicky: Watching actors never reach
 * Both: The ending of their Oscar speech!

-
 * Nicky: Being on an elevator when somebody shouts HOLD THE DOOR!!!
 * Gary: Oh yeah..
 * Both: NO! Schadenfreude!
 * Gary: Fuck you, lady! That's what stairs are for!

"The Internet is for Porn"

 * Kate Monster: Finally! I get to teach a whole lesson all by myself!  And I'm going to teach something relevant, something modern: the internet! (singing) Oh! The Internet is really, really great!
 * Trekkie Monster: For porn!
 * Kate Monster: I've got a fast connection so I don't have to wait!
 * Trekkie Monster: For porn!
 * Kate Monster: There's always some new site-
 * Trekkie Monster: For porn!
 * Kate Monster: I browse all day and night-
 * Trekkie Monster: For porn!
 * Kate Monster: It's like I'm surfing at the speed of light!
 * Trekkie Monster: FOR PORN!

-
 * Trekkie Monster: The Internet is for porn!
 * Kate Monster: Trekkie!
 * Trekkie Monster: The Internet is for porn!
 * Kate Monster: What are you doing?
 * Trekkie Monster: Why you think the net was born? Porn, porn, porn!

-
 * Trekkie Monster: Me up all night, honking me horn to porn, porn, porn!


 * Kate Monster: That's gross! You're a pervert!
 * Trekkie Monster: Ah, sticks and stones, Kate Monster!
 * Kate Monster: No, really! You're a pervert! Normal people don't sit at home and look at porn on the Internet.
 * Trekkie Monster: Ohhhh?
 * Kate Monster: What?
 * Trekkie Monster: You have NO idea! Ready, normal people?
 * Brian: Ready!
 * Princeton: Ready!
 * Rod: Ready!
 * Gary: Ready!
 * Trekkie Monster: Let me hear it!
 * Trekkie Monster, Brian, Princeton, Rod, Gary: The Internet is for porn!
 * Princeton: Sorry, Kate.
 * Trekkie Monster, Brian, Princeton, Rod, Gary: The Internet is for porn!
 * Princeton: I masturbate!
 * Trekkie Monster: All these guys unzip their flies for porn, porn, porn!

-
 * Kate Monster: The Internet is NOT for porn!
 * Trekkie, Brian, Princeton, Rod, Gary: Porn, porn-!
 * Kate Monster: HOLD ON A SECOND!
 * Trekkie Monster: What?
 * Kate Monster: Now, I happen to know for a fact that you, Rod, check your portfolio and trade stocks online.
 * Rod: That's correct.
 * Kate Monster: And, Brian, you buy things on Amazon.com!
 * Brian: Sure!
 * Kate Monster: And, Gary, you keep selling your possessions on eBay.
 * Gary: Yes, I do!
 * Kate Monster: And, Princeton, you sent me that sweet on-line birthday card.
 * Princeton: True.
 * Trekkie Monster: Oh, but Kate, what you think he do after, hmmmm?
 * Brian, Rod, Gary: [chuckling]
 * Princeton: Yeah...
 * Kate: EEEEEW!!

-
 * Trekkie Monster: Grab your dick and double-click for porn, porn, porn!

The More You Rove Someone

 * Christmas Eve: Rove...
 * Kate Monster: Love...
 * Christmas Eve: And hate...
 * Kate Monster: Hate...
 * Christmas Eve: They rike two brothers...
 * Kate Monster: Brothers...
 * Christmas Eve: Who go on a date.
 * Kate Monster: Who... what!?

"Fantasies Come True"

 * Nicky: I know, put my earmuffs on the cookie.

-
 * Nicky:No, I'll wear the purple shoes, a- who painted the kitten?

-
 * Nicky:: You look like David Hasselhoff.


 * Nicky: Hey, Rod, buddy, you're talking in your sleep!
 * Rod: I thought you were talking in your sleep!!
 * Nicky: No, I just came to bed. You're dreaming, it's all.
 * Rod: Oh...
 * Nicky: Sounded like a nice dream, though.
 * Rod: Yes, it was a nice dream...
 * Nicky: Goodnight.
 * Rod: Goodnight, Nicky.

"I Wish I Could Go Back to College"

 * Kate: I wish I could go back to college, life was so simple back then.
 * Nicky: What would I give, to go back and live, in a dorm with a meal plan again?
 * Princeton: I wish I could go back to college, in college you know who you are. You sit in the quad and think, Oh my God, I am totally going to go far!
 * All: How do I go back to college? I don't know who I am anymore!
 * Princeton: I want to go back to my room and find a message in dry erase pen on the door...whoa whoa whoa...I wish I could just drop a class.
 * Nicky: Or get into a play.
 * Kate: Or change my major.
 * Princeton: Or fuck my T.A.!
 * All: I need an academic advisor to point the way! We could be sitting in the computer lab, four a.m. before the final paper is due, cursing the world because I didn't start sooner, and seeing the rest of the class there too! I wish I could go back to college! How do I go back to college?
 * Princeton: I wish I had taken more pictures.
 * Nicky: But if I were to go back to college, think what a loser I'd be. I'd walk through the quad and think, "Oh, my God!"
 * All: "These kids are so much younger than me!"

"From Christmas Eve and Brian's wedding"

 * Nicky: So, yes, definitely, I would say that my buddy Rod is, indeed, a closeted homosexual!
 * Rod: Nicky! How could you say that about me?!
 * Nicky: Uhhh, hi Rod! No, all I said was 'Yes, definitely, I would say that my buddy Rod has... an undescended testicle!'
 * Rod: AH! No! I heard you!
 * Nicky: Oh, gee, I'm sorry Rod...
 * Rod: Uh..! Uh..! Well, I am not a closeted... homo-whatever!

-
 * Kate: So you're saying that you don't want to spend time with me anymore?
 * Princeton: No, no, I love being with you.
 * Kate: Good, because for a moment I thought--
 * Princeton: But I don't want a girlfriend before I find my purpose in life.
 * Kate: But Princeto--
 * Princeton: It's already settled, Kate! If we stay like this, I promise you we won't even be friends in the end.
 * Kate: But I'm not looking for friends. I have plenty of friends.
 * Princeton: You like me, don't you?
 * Kate: Yes... which is why I think you should get out of here.
 * Princeton: You want me to leave?
 * Kate: Unless you've got another definition for get out of here.

"My Girlfriend Who Lives in Canada"

 * Rod: Oh, I wish you could meet my girlfriend. My girlfriend who lives in Canada. She couldn't be sweeter, I wish you could meet her! My girlfriend who lives in Canada! Her name is Alberta, she lives in Vancouver. She cooks like my mother and sucks like a hoover! Ha-ha! I e-mail her every single day just to make sure that everything's okay! It's a pity she lives so far away in Canada! Last week she was here, but she had the flu. Too bad because I wanted to introduce her to you. It's so sad but there wasn't a thing that she could do but stay in bed- with her legs up over her head! Oh! I wish you could meet my girlfriend, but you can't 'cause she is in Canada! I love her, I miss her, I can't wait to kiss her, so soon I'll be off to Alberta! (pause) I mean Vancouver! Shit. Her name is Alberta, she lives in Vancouv-- She's my girlfriend! My wonderful girlfriend! Yes, I have a girlfriend who lives in Canada! And I can't wait to eat her pussy again!

"School For Monsters"

 * Trekkie Monster: Me give you ten million dollars!
 * Princeton: Trekkie! Where did you get all that money?!
 * Trekkie Monster: In volatile market, only stable investment is porn!

"There Is Life Outside Your Apartment"

 * Lady on a building: I'm going to jump!
 * All: Don't do it!
 * Lady on a building: OK!

In Between Songs

 * Bad Idea Bear: Buy a whole case!
 * Princeton: A case of beers? No, I can't get a whole case.
 * Bad Idea Bear: But you're on a budget! You're wasting money in the long run if you don't buy in bulk!

-
 * Kate: Hello?
 * Mrs. Thistletwat: Good afternoon, Katherine. If you may recall that you were supposed to teach my class this morning while I got my heart replaced. You left the children unattended for three hours! They created their own tribal society and were about to sacrifice poor little Brittany! Where were you?
 * Kate: I overslept! I'm so sorry!
 * Mrs. Thistletwat: I should never have hired a Monster.
 * Kate: What?
 * Mrs. Thistletwat: Your race is notoriously lazy!
 * Kate: Well, better a Monster than a crabby old bitch!
 * Mrs. Thistletwat: Crabby old bitches are the backbone of this nation! I regret the day I hired you!
 * Kate: Well, you don't have to worry, because I quit!
 * Mrs. Thistletwat: No, I'm going to fire you!
 * Kate: Too late, because I quit!
 * Mrs. Thistletwat: You're going to Hell, Katherine!
 * Kate: SEE YOU THERE, BITCH!

-
 * Lucy the Slut: You're going to show me upstairs, kid?
 * Princeton: In a minute, okay, Lucy?
 * Lucy the Slut: Okay... Just don't leave my motor running too long.
 * Kate: She a friend of yours?
 * Princeton: Sort of.
 * Kate: Is her name purpose?

At The Around the Clock Cafe
Lucy: I still haven't figured out where I'm going to crash tonight. Bear: Feel her boob!

Lucy: I dated a monster once, but got sick of picking the fur out of my teeth. Kate: If your teeth are the problem, I can arrange that you have LESS!

Bear: Why don't you play a drinking game? They are a recipe for fun. Kate: I don't know any, do you, Princeton? Bear: I do! It's called "I Bet I Can Drink This Faster Than You Can." GO!

Lucy: (after she finishes singing) Thank you gentlemen and...(short pause) obstacles to those gentlemen.

"For Now"
All: SEX is only for now! YOUR HAIR is only for now! GEORGE BUSH is only for now!

All: Don't stress! Relax! Let life roll off your backs! Except for death and paying taxes, everything in life is only for now!