Bat Pussy

Bat Pussy is an American pornographic parody film loosely inspired by the DC Comics character Batman and the associated TV series. It has been described as the worst pornographic film ever made, as well as the first known pornographic parody film. The loose plot depicts superhero Bat Pussy traveling across “Gotham city” on a space hopper to confront a couple making a “fuck movie”.

Donn Davidson

 * [First lines] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Dragon Art Theatre. Before the program starts this evening however, a word of warning and caution: The films you are about to see are “adult” motion pictures, rated “X”. If you do not understand what an adult motion picture is, or if you would be offended by frank and intimate scenes, then we urge you not to view these motion pictures.

Buddy

 * Darlin’, you got the biggest pussy in the world!
 * If I’m fuckin’ you in the ass it don’ make no difference whether it’s you, or a man, cuz it don’ make a goddamn [unintelligible] cuz I’m gonna get me some good ass.
 * I'm talkin' about gettin' down solid, baby!
 * I’ma stick my tongue so far up yer pussy it’s gonna come out yer mouth.
 * I’ma take my secretary an’ fuck her in tha ass, then I’ma come home an’ let you suck my dick!
 * [after fingering Sam] What’s this white stuff? Now, that’s cum. Now, you shoulda tol’ me dinner was ready.

Sam

 * Why don't you kiss my ass, my money makin' ass.
 * I'm getting a divorce tomorrow. My lawyer's better in the morning bed than you are.
 * You don't even know how to fuck. You wouldn't know how if you was doin' your grandmother.

Director

 * I need you to lift up your head, Sam. Get on your hands and knees, baby.
 * Note: presumably a goof

Dialogue

 * Buddy: [trying to instruct Sam during fellatio] Hey! Hey! Put a dick right there in your god-damned [unintelligible] That's what you gotta do! Tickle your god-damned tonsils! Tickle your god-damned tonsils on that motherfucker, while, see. You don't know how to suck a dick, do you? [Pauses] Hey! You ain't answered yet!
 * Sam: How can I answer with a mouth full of dick?


 * Buddy: You used to sell your pussy— yeah, that right there, —you used to sell your pussy for three dollars and you used to sell your ass for two!
 * Sam: Shit.
 * Buddy: Yeah you used to [unintelligible] fucked in the ass than in the pussy!
 * Sam: Shit.


 * Buddy: You ain’t gotta pussy. All you got is a goddammed washtub there.
 * Sam: My pussy ain’t a washtub!


 * Sam: You wouldn’t shoot me!
 * Buddy: Yeah I’d shoot you an’ keep the meat!
 * Sam: HUH?! WOW!


 * Buddy: Your goddamn sister was in here suckin’ your pussy the other night!
 * Sam: Shit!
 * Buddy: She goddamn sure was!
 * Sam: No she wasn’t!
 * Buddy: Well what was she doin’, taking your temperature in your pussy? Is that what she was doin’?
 * Sam: Well I thought I had fever so she was checkin’.


 * Buddy: I sucked them titties for the last fuckin time!
 * Sam: You sucked all the freckles off of ‘em!
 * Buddy: Yeah I been suckin’ those motherfuckers for the last nine years and I ain’t gonna suck em no more! I ain’t suckin’ your pussy no more. Every time I run my tongue up your pussy it comes out your asshole. Now what the fuckin’ deal is that?


 * Buddy: I read my horoscope today, baby.
 * Sam: What did it say, fuck you?
 * Buddy: My horoscope said to fuck you in the nose, and in the mouth, and in the pussy…
 * Sam: My horoscope said to get another man.


 * Narrator: Meanwhile, at Bat Pussy’s secret warehouse hideout, Dora Dildo, alias the mighty Bat Pussy, is patiently waiting for her super senses to tell her that a crime is about to be committed. She can always tell when her twat begins to twitch.
 * Bat Pussy: Goddamn! I feel like a crime is about to be committed! My secret twat tells somebody’s about to shoot a fuck movie in my holy Gotham City!


 * Buddy: Darlin', would you like to be fucked in the ass?
 * Sam: [long pause] Nope.


 * Buddy: You motherfucker you don’t know how to fuck!
 * Sam: I don’t know how to fuck you cuz I’ve been married to you eleven years… and you’re just something that… made over dried up an’… shit out an’ dogs wouldn’t eat.


 * Sam: You don’t know how to fuck anybody in the ass if you did you’d learn!
 * Buddy: [trying to penetrate Sam] How does it feel? How does it feel?!
 * Sam: Terrible! Shit! If you had any brains you’d be dangerous, you’d take it out an’ play with it like your dick when you go to the bathroom!


 * Buddy: Bat Pussy, this is all a misunderstanding!
 * Bat Pussy: What’s a misunderstanding? Making fuck movies in my holy Gotham City?!
 * Buddy: It’s a misunderstanding Batwom— [sic] please, please! I— BUT I LOVE HER! [Bat Pussy lunges onto him] Batwoman, please! Batwoman, please! Batwoman, please, please… mmm… [Bat Pussy begins undressing]

About

 * BAT PUSSY, technically, cannot be referred to as a “fuck movie” since there is no discernable “fucking” in it. The reason for this is that the lead, “Buddy” - an Evel Knievel look-alike with a tattoo of a running hog on his ass - just can’t seem to get it up.
 * Apparently we’re to believe that [Buddy’s erectile disfunction] has been going on for the duration of their union, which we are told, has been 9 or 11 loooong years. Why do they stay in this relationship? We hope that other aspects of their lives are more rewarding. Buddy is shown to be tender at various times, even telling his wife at one point that she has a “tremendous pussy”, although he could be referring to the size.
 * We also hear either the director, or the camera man, let out a loud, long belch during one shot. This belch has been attributed to Buddy by some. However, upon closer inspection, one can clearly hear Buddy moaning at the same moment the belch occurs.
 * Much like Spider-man uses his “Spidey Sense” to divine trouble within his vicinity, Bat Pussy utilizes her “Twitching Twat” to predict pending sex crimes. Hiding out in a Tardis-like outhouse, Dora Dildo spends her days pacing back and forth in a nightgown waiting for her “secret twat”(?) to signal that “… someone’s about ta make a fuck movie in my holy Gotham City!”
 * “We could make beautiful movies together.” says Buddy to his wife after skimming through his issue of SCREW. Buddy is mistaken. There is absolutely, without a doubt, no fucking way that these two white trash, out of shape, drunk on Schlitz yokels could even begin to make anything resembling beauty on film. How do we know this? The proof is right there on VHS.
 * Matthew Allison, AV Maniacs