Baywatch (film)

Baywatch is a 2017 action comedy film about lifeguard Mitch Buchannon and his team who must take down a drug lord in an effort to save their beach.
 * Directed by Seth Gordon. Written by Mark Swift and Damian Shannon, based on the television series created by Michael Berk, Dougl– Schwartz, and Gregory J. Bonann.

Beaches ain't ready (taglines)

Mitch Buchannon

 * There's your cot, don't jack off on my sheets.


 * Who taught you how to drive? Stevie fucking Wonder?


 * You going night-night, bitch.

Matt Brody

 * Ronnie, I need your help. Because as much as I know about laptops, I don't know shit about computers...

Dialogue

 * Matt Brody: Hey, I'm Matt Brody!
 * Summer Quinn: And not a single fuck was given...


 * Matt Brody: Hey. I'm more motivated than ever. So you're going to make me guess your name? Are you following me?
 * Summer Quinn: I was actually just going to ask you the same thing. Okay. Look, you're hot. I may resist for a while, but we both know eventually I'll give in. So why don't we just skip that. Why don't you put a baby in me? Now.
 * Matt Brody: You know, honestly... I was thinking dinner first. But we could try the baby thing, if you want.
 * Summer Quinn: You are trying. Way too hard.


 * Mitch Buchannon: Hey, fresh face. You here for the qualifiers?
 * Matt Brody: Uh, no, no, I'm not trying out. I'm actually already on the team.
 * Mitch Buchannon: You're already on this team?
 * Matt Brody: I'm Matt Brody. Ready for duty.
 * Mitch Buchannon: "Ready for duty"? Oh, okay. Um, you got any papers or anything like that?
 * Matt Brody: I do. There you go.
 * Mitch Buchannon: Oh, it's a permission slip. Literally. "Dear Mitch, I am pleased to write you on behalf of Mr. Matt Brody." Right. Well, no free passes.
 * Matt Brody: Yeah. Whoa.
 * Mitch Buchannon: At all. Yeah, 'cause I don't give a shit.
 * Matt Brody: I legit needed those for my taxes.
 * Mitch Buchannon: What you need is to understand that if you're going to be on this team, you got to earn it.
 * Matt Brody: Really?
 * Mitch Buchannon: Yeah. So, why don't we start this whole thing over, just like gentlemen? Where you from, One Direction?
 * Matt Brody: Um... Iowa? Iowa? You heard of it?
 * Mitch Buchannon: Yeah, I know what it is. Hey, Steph.
 * Stephanie Holden: Hey.
 * Mitch Buchannon: New Kids on the Block here is from Iowa.
 * Stephanie Holden: Oh, man.
 * Mitch Buchannon: And, uh, he says he's already on the team. Yeah. Doesn't have to try out.
 * Stephanie Holden: Really?
 * Mitch Buchannon: Yeah, absolutely. Let me ask you this...A lot of oceans in Iowa?
 * Stephanie Holden: No, just ponds and lakes and cocky pretty boys, apparently.
 * Mitch Buchannon: Uh-huh. Cocky pretty boys.
 * Stephanie Holden: Hey, Mitch, what happened to that last pretty boy recruit we had?
 * Mitch Buchannon: He died.
 * Stephanie Holden: R.I.P.
 * Matt Brody: Are you guys being serious right now? I honestly can't tell. You show up here, matching bathing suits. What is this, "lifeguard hazing"? I'm Matt Brody. I hold the world record in the 200 meter. Two gold medals.
 * Mitch Buchannon: Hey! Matt Brody.
 * Stephanie Holden: Matt Brody.
 * Mitch Buchannon: Yes, yes. Absolutely. And we still don't give a fuck.
 * Stephanie Holden: Don't give a fuck.
 * Mitch Buchannon: No, fresh out.
 * Stephanie Holden: Fresh out of fucks.
 * Mitch Buchannon: Yeah. Okay, that ocean out there has riptides that'll tear your little mangina in two.
 * Matt Brody: My mangina? So you are being serious.
 * Mitch Buchannon: Dead serious, right now, NSYNC, all right? This ain't no little fucking pond out of Iowa. So with all due respect, you want to be here on this team, on our team, you're gonna have to earn it.
 * Matt Brody: Look, I get it. You're big, sasquatch. But I'm fast. Really fucking fast. Which is why somebody important thinks I belong here. So when you two figure out who the fuck I am, you can find me on the beach. [slaps Mitch's face lightly] See you.
 * [Matt leaves]
 * Stephanie Holden: Did that really just happen?
 * Mitch Buchannon: It did. He slapped me.
 * Stephanie Holden: Wow.
 * Mitch Buchannon: Yeah. His hands were soft and supple though, like a woman. No offense.
 * Stephanie Holden: None taken.


 * Summer Quinn: [about CJ Parker] Why does she always look like she's running in slow-mo?
 * Ronnie Greenbaum: You see it too?
 * Summer Quinn: And she always looks wet, but not too wet.
 * Ronnie Greenbaum: Right? She's the reason I believe in God.


 * Summer Quinn: Did you just, uh look at my boobs?
 * Matt Brody: Ah, that was not my intention...I didn't, uh, stare directly at them. [looks down at her]
 * Summer Quinn: [laughs] You're looking at them right now.
 * Matt Brody: No I didn't. [looks down again] Now I did. 'Cause you're talking about them.
 * Summer Quinn: [bouncing her breasts] Testing... Oh, failed. Oh my god. We're gonna be in swimsuits a lot, so...
 * Matt Brody: Yeah.
 * Summer Quinn: If it's going to be a problem for you...
 * Matt Brody: There's not a problem at all, for me.
 * Summer Quinn: Yeah.
 * Matt Brody: Cool.
 * Summer Quinn: Alright. You just looked at them again. [walks off]
 * Matt Brody: No, I didn't...I was...I didn't...I mean, when you point them out like that... It's a compliment, if you think about it, sort of.


 * Mitch Buchannon: My gut says there's some bad shit going on over there, and my balls say we need to go over there and check it out.
 * Matt Brody: Your balls said that?
 * Mitch Buchannon: Yes, they did.
 * Matt Brody: Okay, my balls say [in a high-pitched voice] "Just take it easy right here. Just chill."
 * Mitch Buchannon: Why the fuck do your balls sound like three-year-old girls?
 * Matt Brody: I don't know, man. That's just how they talk. But they're wise.


 * Mitch Buchannon: How about diamond smugglers who are putting the rocks in surfboards and bringing them ashore?
 * Matt Brody: Everything that you guys are talking about sounds like a really, like, entertaining but far-fetched TV show.


 * Matt Brody: What do you mean 'You People'?
 * Mitch Buchannon: You don't get to say that. You're just tan.


 * Matt Brody: So, Dave had access to Leeds' server.
 * Ronnie Greenbaum: Her server? You mean her network.
 * Matt Brody: Yeah, her network, that's what I meant. Okay, so we just take a flash drive, and we plug it in, you know, get in to her cloud, and then steal all her cookies, right, and then we're straight through the firewall.
 * Ronnie Greenbaum: Okay, literally none of what you said made any sense.
 * Matt Brody: Straight over the firewall.
 * Ronnie Greenbaum: It's not, like, a physical thing you do.


 * Ronnie Greenbaum: She's like some sort of modern-day J. Edgar Hoover.
 * Matt Brody: The vacuum guy.
 * Ronnie Greenbaum: No.


 * Victoria Leeds: Such accusations! I'm not a Bond villain. Well... [considers] yet! You're in politics. You know that no one can claw their way to the top without getting a little dirt under their fingernails. Clearly I overestimated you. But calling me a drug dealer! I'm... so much bigger than that, you know.
 * Councilman Rodriguez: I...
 * Victoria Leeds: Leon, teach him some manners. [puts on sunglasses] Have fun, boys.
 * [leaves]
 * Councilman Rodriguez: I agree with... [stammers] I overstepped! [professional killer Leon takes off his coat, he has a gun] I overstepped, Victoria! [to the two thugs] Guys, we can talk about this.
 * Frankie: Leon doesn't talk. He's a man of action. There's a purity to that.
 * Leon: [snarling at Rodriguez] I'm gonna kill you!
 * Frankie: Damn it! You do that every time. I build you up, and then you ruin the mystique.


 * Matt Brody: Will it work? Maybe. Will there be some surprises along the way? Abso-fucking-lutely. Is anyone gonna die? I don't know. Maybe Ronnie.
 * Ronnie Greenbaum: Sorry, what?


 * Ronnie Greenbaum: I've never seen any interface like this! I don't know what to fucking do!
 * CJ Parker: Hey, look at me! You are the tech guy. You are the motherfucking tech guy.
 * [she kisses him]
 * Ronnie Greenbaum: I'm the motherfucking tech guy.


 * Victoria Leeds: Time to die, boys.
 * Mitch Buchannon: No! I w– born of the sea. I eat fire coral and I piss salt water. I scratch my back with a whale's dick, and I loofah my chest with his ballsack.
 * Victoria Leeds: What the fuck?
 * Mitch Buchannon: I'll die when the tide stops and the moon drowns. Until then... I'm oceanic, motherfucker.
 * Victoria Leeds: How tacky.


 * [final scene]
 * Mitch Buchannon: Uh, guys, after finding the drugs, helping save Chen and helping me blow up the bad girl with a Roman candle, it's a pleasure to say you are officially no longer trainees.
 * CJ Parker: Whoo!
 * [everyone applauds]
 * Mitch Buchannon: Congratulations!
 * CJ Parker: Yeah, guys.
 * Mitch Buchannon: Hey, guys, one more important thing. I want to introduce you to our new captain who has been running our Hawaii division very successfully for years now: the amazing Captain Casey Jean.
 * [Casey Jean appears in slow motion. Matt and Ronnie are stunned]
 * Ronnie Greenbaum: Is it just me, or is she in...
 * Stephanie Holden: Super slow motion?
 * Summer Quinn: Yeah.
 * CJ Parker: [dryly] Wow. This is gonna take a while.
 * Mitch Buchannon: [winks] That's how we roll.

Taglines

 * Don't worry, summer is coming
 * Get your guard on
 * Go ahead and stare
 * Beaches ain't ready

Cast

 * Dwayne Johnson – Mitch Buchannon
 * Zac Efron – Matt Brody
 * Alexandra Daddario – Summer Quinn
 * Priyanka Chopra – Victoria Leeds
 * Kelly Rohrbach – C. J. Parker
 * Jon Bass – Ronnie Greenbaum
 * Hannibal Buress – Dave the Tech
 * Ilfenesh Hadera – Stephanie Holden
 * Yahya Abdul-Mateen II – Sgt. Ellerbee
 * Oscar Nunez – Councilman Rodriguez
 * Rob Huebel – Captain Thorpe
 * Amin Joseph – Frankie
 * Jack Kesy – Leon
 * Pamela Anderson – Casey Jean Parker
 * David Hasselhoff – Mitch Buchannon, the Mentor