Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)

Beavis and Butt-head (1993–1997, 2011, 2022–present) is an American animated television series that originally aired on the cable television channel MTV. It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, Beavis and Butt-head. Season seven originally aired from 26 January to 28 November 1997.

Seasons 1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 6 • 7 • 8 • 9 • 10 • Specials • Music videos • MTV programming • Feature film • Album • Main

"Vaya Con Cornholio" [7.02]

 * Immigration Officer: Hey, you!  ¿Habla español?
 * Beavis: [as Cornholio]  Español?  Es-bunghole! Habla? Ba-habla! Bla-bla-bla-bla-haaaa!


 * Supervisor: Alright, so what do we know about this kid?
 * Officer: I picked him up at Burger World, but he didn't have any I.D., or anything.  Says his name is "Cornholio."
 * Supervisor: The hell kind of a name is that?  Is that his first name, or last?
 * Officer: Um...I dunno, it's the only name he gives.
 * Supervisor: Cornholio...could be Spanish.  Probably Italian.  Doubtful.
 * Officer: Well, that little bastard devoured my taco burrito combo on the ride over.
 * Supervisor: Well, probably Mexican.
 * Officer: Says he's from Lake Titicaca.
 * Supervisor: Lake Titicaca?
 * Beavis: Lake Titicaca! Titicaca!
 * Supervisor: Alright, find out where the hell Lake Titicaca is.
 * Beavis: Nicaragua!
 * Supervisor: Nicaragua?
 * Beavis: Agua for my bunghole!  Bunghole!
 * Officer: Oh, yeah.  And he keeps saying he needs "T.P." for his "bunghole."
 * Supervisor: What the hell's a bunghole?  Can you find out what a bunghole is?
 * Beavis: You are a bunghole!  And so am I.  There will be more bungholes after me!
 * Officer: [reading from dictionary]  Here, I got the dictionary. "Bunghole: a hole in a barrel or keg used for pouring in or drawing out liquid."
 * Supervisor: This kid's messed up.  Just take him back to Mexico and drop him off with the others.  Let the federales deal with him.
 * Officer: Okay, Cornholio.  Time to go back home.
 * Beavis: Are you threatening me?  You will give me T.P., bunghole!
 * Officer: Yeah, yeah. Alright. I know your bunghole needs T.P.  We'll get you plenty of T.P., just as soon as we get you back to Mexico.  And your bunghole will be just fine.
 * Beavis: I would hate for my bungholio to get polio.
 * Officer: Me too.  Come on.  This way, Cornholio.
 * Beavis: The bunghole!  It is nothing to be ashamed of.


 * Beavis: You must feed the almighty bunghole!


 * Officer: I'm with immigration, and if you don't show me some proof of residency, I'm gonna have to take you in!
 * Beavis: You can take me, but you cannot take my bunghole!  For I have no bunghole. I am the great Cornholio.


 * Beavis: [going to Mexico]  I'm the great Cornholio.  There will be T.P. for everyman.  No man should be without T.P.


 * Beavis: [arriving in Mexico]  Aaahh, is this Nicaragua?  I will take this land for my bunghole!  Long live the almighty bunghole!

"Ding-Dong-Ditch" [7.04]

 * Butt-head: Check it out, this trick rules!  It's like we ring the door bell and then we run away.
 * Beavis: Yeah, yeah, okay.
 * Man at the door: Yeah?
 * Beavis: We tricked him.
 * Butt-head: He's probably, like, "Uhh, there is nobody here.  I wonder who did that."
 * Man at the door: Hey, what the hell is wrong with you two.  Do that again I'll kick your ass.
 * Beavis: Hey Butt-head, did we do that right?
 * Butt-head: Eeeh, I don't know.  Maybe we're supposed to like run away before anyone opens the door.  Let's try it again.
 * Beavis: Yeah, this is gonna be cool.
 * Butt-head: So like, this time remember to run away before they come to the door.
 * Beavis: Ooi, okay.  "Before."  That was cool!
 * Butt-head: Yeah!  They're gonna be pissed.
 * Beavis: Uhhm, nobody is coming out, Butt-head.
 * Butt-head: Maybe whoever lives there has like a broken leg or something and it takes long time to get to the door.
 * Beavis: Yeah, that will be pretty cool!
 * Butt-head: Yeah!
 * Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, let's ring it again!
 * Butt-head: Eeeh, okay.
 * Beavis: Let me ring it.
 * Butt-head: No way, Beavis.  You rang it last time.
 * Beavis: No way.  You did, dill-hole!
 * Butt-head: Uhh, wait a minute.  Uhh, I think we forgot to ring the door bell, Beavis.
 * Beavis: Dammit, this is really hard, Butt-head!
 * Butt-head: Yeah, but it's cool once you get it right.  Come on.
 * Man at the door: What do you want?  What?  What are you doin'?
 * Beavis: Did you see that?  That was pretty cool!
 * Butt-head: Beavis, you screwed it up again!  You're supposed to run before he comes to the door.
 * Beavis: No, damn it!  I don't know when he's gonna come to the door.  This sucks!
 * Butt-head: Dumbass!
 * Neighbour woman: Where are you goin'?
 * Neighbour woman's husband: The neighbours asked if I pick up their mail while they're away on vacation.
 * Butt-head: Hey, Beavis.  I hope whoever lives here is, like, taking a dump.
 * Beavis: He gotta run to the door.
 * Butt-head: Damn it, what the hell is taking so long!
 * Beavis: Yeah, really, let's do it again.  What's wrong with these people?
 * Butt-head: I don't know.  They must be stupid.
 * Beavis: Are you sure we get it right this time?
 * Butt-head: Eeh, yeah.
 * [The family living there just arrives their house]
 * Family guy: God, it's good to be back home huh again?  What a trip!
 * Beavis: Hey Butt-head, they weren't even home.
 * Butt-head: That sucks!


 * Butt-head: Ding dong ditch is hard.
 * Beavis: Yeah, yeah, that sucks.  What a waste of time!
 * Butt-head: Maybe we were like doing something wrong.  We need practice.  Hey Beavis, you pretend you're at home, and I'll, like, do it to you.
 * Beavis: Yeah, yeah, practice.  [Butt-head goes out and rings the door bell]  Who do that?  Hello, damn it!  Nobody here, damn it!  Bunghole!  Ooh yeah, that worked pretty good, yeah.

"A Very Special Episode" [7.06]

 * Butt-head: [trying to pronounce "symptoms"]  Sym…sym…Simpsons?  Uh, they're pretty cool.


 * [after Butt-head tosses a baby bird into the air]
 * Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, you "flipped the bird."  Heh heh.

"Dumbasses Anonymous" [7.07]

 * Bartender: Look, I told you kids! You got no I.D., you look underage, and if I serve you, I'll go to jail!
 * Butt-head: Oh. Uhh…how about one for the road?
 * Beavis: Yeah, like one to help me forget or something?
 * Bartender: Get outta here! Both of you!
 * Joe from AA meeting: Oh, yeah! Hey, it's okay, bartender. These are good kids. Y'know, you boys remind me of me I was a kid.
 * Butt-head:Yeah, some day we're gonna be just like you.
 * Beavis: Yeah, we're gonna be drunk. [Joe falls on the floor in drunken stupor]

"Head Lice" [7.09]

 * Beavis: [as Cornholio]  Do you have any tsetse flies?  Hehe.  Teetsie!


 * Nurse: Here's a prescription for some special shampoo and cream for skin irritation.
 * Butt-head: [laughs]  She said "foreskin."
 * Beavis: Yeah.  Foreskin irritation.


 * [Beavis starts whacking Butt-head with a flyswatter in an attempt to kill the lice]
 * Butt-head: Ow!  What the hell are you doing, ass-wipe?!
 * Beavis: Yeah!  I'm kicking the bugs' ass!  Yeah!
 * Butt-head: Ow!  I'm gonna kick your ass, fartknocker!  [kicks Beavis in the testicles]
 * Beavis: Aaaahh!  [falls down]
 * Butt-head: Now get up.  We gotta, like, use an infesticide.


 * Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, are they dead?
 * Butt-head: Uh, I think we got 'em, dude.
 * Beavis: [suddenly starts scratching his scrotum]  Um…wait a minute.  Damn it.  I think I got some more bugs on my nads.
 * Butt-head: Uh, how'd they get there, Beavis?
 * Beavis: I don't know.  Dammit!
 * Butt-head: Maybe you should stick your weiner in the bug zapper!
 * Beavis: Yeah, yeah!  That's a really good idea, Butt-head!  [pulls bug zapper down to his crotch area]  Let me just get this down here, here we go… [unzips pants; follows Butt-head's advice off-screen; electricity crackles and Beavis screams]
 * Butt-head: [chuckling]  Dumbass!

"Cyber-Butt" [7.10]

 * Butt-head: Welcome to the future.  Here is your free porn.
 * Beavis: Yeah. Porn is good for you. Did you know that?
 * Principal McVicker: Uh... Now as you boys know, we have strict rules, about accessing computer pornography from the library. So before, I sentence you to an extremely harsh punishment, I want to know how you little punks did it! Uh... Come on. You idiots can save yourself a lot of trouble if you just tell me who helped you log on!
 * Butt-Head: I did that myself. But Stewart got us the porn.
 * Stewart: What?
 * Beavis: He's pretty good.
 * Stewart: But... but... but I...
 * Principal McVicker: Oh, that's it! You're all getting detention for the rest of the year! And you've lost all your computer privileges!
 * Beavis: Yeah, yeah we need more porn, come on Stewart.
 * Buzzcut: Shut the hell up!

"Nose Bleed" [7.11]

 * Beavis: [upon noticing that he's got a nosebleed]  No!  I'm bleeding!  I'm bleeding!


 * Butt-head: [goes up to a woman coming out of a gas station rest-room]  So, here's a quarter.  Could you like get one of those things, you put in your thing, when you got your thing.  [woman punches Butt-head]

"Citizens Arrest" [7.12]

 * Butt-head: Beware the long arm of Butt-head.
 * Beavis: Beware the long wiener of Beavis!

"A Great Day" [7.14]

 * Beavis: Some day, I'd like to be like that.  You know, a kid finds a dead bird, you give him 20 bucks for it.  Now that's cool.

"Woodshop" [7.22]

 * Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, I don't know why, but this is giving me a stiffy.
 * Butt-head: Uhhhh, maybe that's why they call it "woodshop."


 * [after Beavis severs his finger in shop class]
 * Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. Pull my finger. I mean, your finger.
 * Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!


 * Butt-head: [upon handing Beavis's severed finger to the nurse]  Hey, Beavis.  I gave her the finger.

"Garage Band" [7.25]

 * Butt-head: Come on, dumbass, play it.
 * Beavis: Check this out.  Uhhh yeeah!!  Waahhhhh!!  You're gonna die!!  [smashes Mr. Van Driessen's acoustic guitar]  Ohhh dnanananananana didlywoo weewoo browww baaabababa dadadada!!
 * Butt-head: Woah!  That was cool, Beavis.  We're, like, on our way.


 * Beavis: We're Metallica, featuring Beavis and Butt-head!
 * Butt-head: Uhh, that doesn't sound right.  It should be like, Butt-head and Beavis.  "Beavis and Butt-head" sounds stupid.
 * Beavis: No, no!  I kinda like "Beavis and Butt-head"!  I don't know just sounds right.
 * Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis, this is my band.  My name comes first.  Don't you, like, wanna be a hit?
 * Beavis: No way!  If you hit me, I'm gonna kick you in the nads!
 * Butt-head: Yeah, try it, and I'll beat the living crap out of you.  Damn it, this band isn't working.  It's, like, we don't, like, uhh…communicate or something?
 * Beavis: What?
 * Butt-head: Uhh…I don't know.  What?
 * Beavis: What the hell are you talking about?!
 * Butt-head: Uh, I don't know.  You're just a butt-knocker.
 * Beavis: Don't call me butt-knocker, you son of a bitch!
 * Butt-head: This band sucks.  I'm gonna get outta here.  [walks off]
 * Beavis: Yeah, I'm gonna get outta here.  This sucks!  [turns around and walks off]

"Impotence" [7.26]

 * Dr. Leibowitz: Let's try to see exactly what the problem is.  Now, I'm going to run some tests to gauge your ability to become aroused.
 * Butt-head: Cool.
 * Dr. Leibowitz: Now, I'm going to show you some photographs.  When you begin to feel aroused, just raise your hand.  Now— [sees Beavis and Butt-head already have their hands raised]
 * Beavis: Um, are these pictures of the chicks we're gonna get to score with?
 * Dr. Leibowitz: Well, yes, if you find that helps, that would be an excellent way to think of them.
 * Butt-head: Cool.  Bring 'em on.
 * Beavis: Yeah, yeah.  [mock-Arabic accent]  Which lucky girls will be fit to join my harem?
 * Dr. Leibowitz: Uh, okay.  Here's the first image.  [holds up photo of a model in lingerie]
 * Butt-head: [both raise hands]  Yes!  I'll take her!
 * Beavis: Yeah, yeah, me, too.  [turns to Butt-head]  I saw her first, dillhole!
 * Dr. Leibowitz: Hmm.  Let's go on.  [holds up another photo]
 * Butt-head: Whoa!  [raises his hand]
 * Beavis: Wha-ha!  Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!!
 * Dr. Leibowitz: Interesting.  Beavis, why didn't you raise your hand this time?  Didn't you find the image exciting?
 * Butt-head: [looks at Beavis]  Uhh, Beavis's hands are busy, sir.

"The Miracle That Is Beavis" [7.27]

 * Butt-head: [upon seeing a commercial about a book titled Seize the Power]  Hey Beavis…seize my weiner.


 * Buzzcut: Beavis!
 * Beavis: Aaah!  [scared]
 * Buzzcut: Damn it, you will listen when I'm talking'!!
 * Beavis: No way!  I'm sick of school and I'm sick of you!
 * Buzzcut: What?!  You get the hell out of here!!  I'll see you in detention!!
 * Beavis: Okay, cool.

"Inventors" [7.29]

 * Beavis: [sees man chopping wood]  I know.  Let's invent a tree.
 * Butt-head: Beavis.
 * Beavis: See, we could build one out of lumbers and two-by-fours and stuff, and then we could, like, tape some leaves— [Butt-head slaps him] Ow!!  See, that way, anyone who needs wood, but doesn't want to cut down his own tree, can just, like, buy our tree and cut it down, and then he— [Butt-head slaps him again] Ow!!
 * Butt-head: Why wouldn't he just go cut down his neighbor's tree, dumbass?  Now, quit wasting time.  We need to come up with a real money-making invention.

"Die Fly, Die!" [7.30]

 * Butt-head: Now we need to get some of that bug spray.
 * Beavis: Bug spray?
 * Butt-head: Yeah, when it lands on the garbage, we'll, like, spray poison on it, then it's gonna puke all over itself and die!


 * Butt-head: [pulling trash can into house]  [turns around, sees Beavis taking a dump in the living room]  Uhh!  What the hell are you doing, butthole!? Get up and help me with this.
 * Beavis: [getting up]  I am helping, butthole! You said flies like garbage and crap.

<hr width=50%>
 * Beavis: Look, Butt-head.  [pulls out hedgetrimmer]  Say "hello" to my little friend!

"Work Is Death" [7.32]

 * Burger World manager: You don't get workers compensation for fighting, it has to be an accident.
 * Beavis: You mean we, like, need to poop in our pants?

"Breakdown" [7.33]
Principal McVicker: B-b-but I don't want any visitors... I'm sick in the head!

Psychiatrist: Seeing them is a first step towards resuming your duties as principal. After all, they're your students...

Principal McVicker: No! They're demons sent straight from Hell!

<hr width=50%> Psychiatrist: Mr McVicker, what are we going to do with you? We tried everything from group counselling to physical isolation, and...

Beavis: Did you try kicking him in the nads?

Psychiatrist: Yeah, good idea.

Butt Head: So, uh... Are gonna like use a straitjacket?

Beavis: [excitedly] Yeah, straitjacket! Straitjacket!

[McVicker gets up and strangles Beavis]

Beavis: Ahh! He's trying to kill me!

Psychiatrist: Nurse, restrain him!

"Graduation Day" [7.34]

 * Mr. Van Driessen: This is called a mortar board, and it comes with this tassel which many graduates say is a momento of their special day.  Perhaps some of your older brothers and sisters still have theirs.
 * Butt-head: Oh yeah!  My uncle has one of those hanging on his dashboard.
 * Mr. Van Driessen: Good, Butt-head!  He must have saved it from his own high school graduation.
 * Butt-head: Uh…no.  He didn't go to high school.  He got it off the boob of some chick in a nudey bar.
 * Mr. Van Driessen: Butt-head…there's a big difference in the meaning of the two.  I hope that someday you get to understand that.

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 * Mr. Van Driessen: Congratulations, Cassandra.  I know you'll go far in the world, okay?
 * Beavis: Heheheheh…tassel.
 * Mr. Van Driessen: Here you go, Butt-head.  You have many… qualities.  [quietly and with a hint of embarrassment]  Here's your diploma, Beavis.  [while the other students return to their seats, Beavis and Butt-head walk out thinking it was an actual graduation]

"The Future of Beavis and Butt-head" [7.35]

 * Job Counselor: So, which duty do you enjoy most?
 * Butt-head: Beavis enjoys all his doodies.
 * Beavis: Yeah.
 * Job Counselor: Well, which do you enjoy most?
 * Beavis: Um, well…I guess the ones that take a long time.
 * Job Counselor: You like to get your hands dirty?
 * Beavis: Well, yeah, sometimes.
 * Job Counselor: Something you can really sink your teeth into?
 * Beavis: Um…no, that's disgusting.

"Speech Therapy" [7.36]

 * Principal McVicker: Uuhh, no!  Beavis and Butt-head, what the hell are you doing here?
 * Butt-head: Ehhh, like, two weeks ago, you told us we were suspended for, like, two weeks.  So I think, like, now, we might be done being suspended, or something?
 * Principal McVicker: Uhh, god, I've been dreading this day.
 * Butt-head: Yeah, me, too!
 * Beavis: Yeah, really, school sucks!
 * Principal McVicker: You watch your mouth, little pain in the ass!  Ehh, whose class are you supposed to be in this morning?
 * Butt-head: Ehh, I think the teacher is a guy.  Ehh, Van…uhh Rigvantrison?
 * Beavis: Yeah, yeah, something like that.
 * Principal McVicker: Ooh, no.  Mr. Van Driessen took his class to the botanical gardens today.  Ooh, damn it!
 * Butt-head: Yeah, damn it!
 * Beavis: Yeah, damn it, god damn son of a bitch!
 * Principal McVicker: You little bastards, watch your language!  Ooh, wait a minute.  We've just got a new speech therapist on staff.  Maybe I'll stick you in her class.  Yeah.
 * Butt-head: He said "in her."
 * Principal McVicker: Oh, no!
 * Beavis: Oh, yeah.

<hr width=50%>
 * Ms. Jenkins: Well, good morning everyone.  My name is Miss Jenkins and I'm a speech therapist.  And I guess a lot of you were wondering, "Why do I need speech therapy?"
 * Beavis: Yeah.
 * Ms. Jenkins: "I already know how to speak.  What can I learn here?"  You know, sometimes people don't even realize they have a speech impediment.
 * Beavis: What's a speech im-pediment?
 * Butt-head: Speech im-pediments suck!
 * Ms. Jenkins: A person shouldn't be ashamed of having a speech impediment.  As a matter of fact, many highly intelligent and creative people are speech impaired.
 * Butt-head: Hey Beavis, that dude has boobs.
 * Ms. Jenkins: And once they begin to be more aware of how they sound, they are better able to correct themselves.
 * Beavis: Butt-head, that what I think it is?
 * Butt-head: Yeah, this class is cool.
 * Ms. Jenkins: Well, I'm glad to hear that Butt-head and we're all glad to have you on our little speech team.
 * Butt-head: Eee, can you get out of the way?
 * Beavis: Yeah, really.
 * Ms. Jenkins: Well, I'll tell you what boys.  I have some other pictures in my briefcase that are even more interesting than that one.
 * Butt-head: Really?
 * Beavis: What could be more interesting than this?
 * Ms. Jenkins: Well, how about a picture taken from right up inside the larynx?
 * Beavis: Whoa, no way!
 * Butt-head: How could you get a camera up there?
 * Ms. Jenkins: Well, I'll be happy to show you after you practice this next exercise, okay?
 * Butt-head: This is gonna be cool.
 * Beavis: Yeah, yeah, boi-oi-oi…
 * Ms. Jenkins: Okay, now, we're going to use these mirrors to observe our lips, and teeth, and tongue during speech.
 * Butt-head: Butt-munch, dill-weed.
 * Beavis: Ass-wipe, butt-hole.
 * Butt-head: Ass-munch
 * Ms. Jenkins: Butt-head, this might be a good time to work on your 'S.'
 * Butt-head: Eeeh, I didn't know my ass needed any work.
 * Ms. Jenkins: Now, don't get defensive, Butt-head; I just want to try to clean it up a little, okay?  Now try this.  Make a 'T' sound, then throw it out like this.  Everyone, let's try to help Butt-head, okay?
 * Butt-head: Hey, Beavis, check it out!
 * Ms. Jenkins: Settle down please, all right boys?  Okay.  What I'd like everyone to do is to repeat these sentences while watching your mouth in your mirrors, okay?  All right, here goes:  "Speaking slowly as such can say just as much."
 * Butt-head: Whoa, she just said "ass munch"!
 * Beavis: Yeah, this chick rules.  "Ass munch"!
 * Ms. Jenkins: Very good, boys!  "As much."
 * Beavis: Ass munch!
 * Butt-head: Ass munch!
 * Ms. Jenkins: All right, let's try this one:  "Half haste helps, but whole haste hinders."
 * Butt-head: Whoa, she just said "butthole"!
 * Beavis: Yeah, yeah, butthole!
 * Ms. Jenkins: "But whole haste…"
 * Beavis: Yeah, yeah: butthole, butthole!  This is cool.  Bunghole!
 * Ms. Jenkins: No, no, Beavis, listen closely.  "But whole," "but whole."
 * Beavis: Oooh, yeah, yeah.
 * Principal McVicker: I just came by to see if those two little bastards have done anything I ccould suspend them for.
 * Ms. Jenkins: Actually, Principal McVicker, these boys have done very well.  Beavis, Butt-head, would you like to show your principal what you've learned today?
 * Butt-head: Assmunch
 * Beavis: And butthole.  Butthole.
 * Principal McVicker: Watch your mouth, you little sons of bitches!
 * Ms. Jenkins: Principal, please.  Now I don't want you to take this to the wrong way, principal, but I've noticed that you have a little trouble expressing yourself sometimes.
 * Principal McVicker: What?
 * Butt-head: McVicker is a dumbass.  He doesn't know how to talk to chicks.
 * Beavis: Yeah, really.  He's probably like "…" Boi-oi-oi…

"Our Founding Losers" [7.37]

 * Butt-head: [as Paul Revere riding into town]  Uhh, the Yiddish are coming.  Huh-huh-huh.  The Yiddish are coming.

<hr width=50%>
 * Butt-head: [as Abraham Lincoln giving the Gettysburg Address]  When I almost scored with four chicks seven years ago, this one chick's father brought forth upon me a prostitute.  Huh-huh.  Because some dudes just weren't created equal.  Huh-huh.

<hr width=50%>
 * [Beavis is having a dream of the writing of the Declaration of Independence; Thomas Jefferson is dictating and Beavis is dressed like Benjamin Franklin]
 * Thomas Jefferson: "All Men are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights, and among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness."  Have you anything to add, Compatriot Beavis?
 * Beavis: Oh, um, heh-heh, okay. Um, heh-heh, yeah, yeah, how about this?  "All chicks shall, um, heh-heh, be required to do it with us, huh-huh, at all times, yeah.  He-he.  E pluribus unum.  He-he, yeah, he-he."
 * Thomas Jefferson: A damn fine idea, lad.
 * All: Hear, hear!
 * The actual text of that line of the Declaration of Independence reads:
 * We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness
 * Jefferson's original rough draft read:
 * We hold these truths to be sacred & undeniable; that all men are created equal & independant, that from that equal creation they derive rights inherent & inalienable, among which are the preservation of life, & liberty, & the pursuit of happiness

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 * Butthead: Uh... Ok.
 * Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Hmm... Let's see... um...
 * Butthead: Uh...
 * Buzzcut: So?
 * Butt-head: What?
 * Beavis: Yeah. So what?

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 * Butt-head: [to Coach Buzzcut]  Once we tried to "found" Beavis's father, but we never did because his mom's a slut.
 * This episode aired after Beavis and Butt-head Do America was released, in which, unbeknownst to Beavis or Butt-head, the duo meet their fathers.

"Leave It to Beavis" [7.38]

 * Beaver: [on t.v.]  Gee Wally, Dad said not to.  And besides, I don't want him to holler at me.
 * Butt-head: Uhuhuhuh…beaver.
 * Beavis: Yeah, yeah, Beaver kicks ass.  But it's, like, um, that's not really what stuff was like back then.
 * Butt-head: Yeah.  It's like, if this was real, and it was like the '50s, things would be all different and stuff.

<hr width=50%>
 * Todd: So, Beaver…
 * Beavis: The name's Beavis, sir.
 * Todd: Well excuse me, Beaver.

<hr width=50%>
 * Mrs. Steveson: Now, dear, don't you think you should go to work today?
 * Butt-head: Uh, no.  [rubs her arm]

<hr width=50%>
 * Todd: Now get in there and get me some smokes.
 * Beavis: Are you sure I should be doing this?
 * Todd: What did you say?
 * Beavis: I said are you—
 * Todd: [revs car so the rest of Beavis's words aren't heard]  Listen, squirt, you better get in there and get me some smokes before today's lesson turns into Ass-kicking 101.

<hr width=50%>
 * Store owner: Well, hey, there, Master Cleaver, aren't you supposed to be in school?
 * Beavis: Well, I guess so, b-but all I know is I'm s'posed to come in here and buy some cigarettes.
 * Store owner: Hey, you wouldn't be buying these for Eddy, now, would ya?
 * Beavis: …Gee, how'd you know?  [store owner looks out window, sees Todd smoking; canned laughter]

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 * Store owner: Tell Eddy it's against the law for me to sell cigarettes to a boy your age.  And then, tell him cigarettes cause cancer.
 * Beavis: Y-yeah but, if I tell him that, he might get all sore 'n stuff.  A-and then he's liable to beat me up.
 * Store owner: Well, if he tries that, you tell him that's against the law, too.

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 * Butt-head: Woah.  What happened, uh, son?
 * Todd: It seems that little Beaver here ran afoul of some asphalt.
 * Butt-head: Uh huh huh…asphalt.

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 * Mrs. Stevenson: Aren't you being a little hard on the Beavis?
 * Butt-head: Huh huh huh, hard.  Huhuhuhuh, on.

"Butt Flambe" [7.39]

 * Butt-head: Uh, is this the hostipal?
 * Guy: Can I help you?
 * Butt-head: You can tell me if this is a damn hostipal.
 * Guy: Yes, and what's your problem?
 * Butt-head: [looks at Beavis]  He's the one with the problem.  Look at him.
 * Beavis: [scared]  My butt hurts!!

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 * Guy: We got a crispy critter!
 * [Beavis whimpering]
 * Butt-head: [chuckling]  "Crispy critter."

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 * Beavis: [horrified and panicking]  I'll never poop again!!

"Beavis and Butt-head Do Thanksgiving" [TG.1]
Note: See Beavis and Butt-head (specials) for quotes from this Thanksgiving special.

"Beavis and Butt-head Are Dead" [7.40]

 * Beavis: Um, hey, Butt-head, I think the phone is ringing.
 * Butt-head: Yeah, well, make it stop.
 * Beavis: [answering phone]  Um…who are you?
 * McVicker's secretary: This is Highland High calling.  We're trying to figure out why Beavis and Butt-head haven't been in school for the past three weeks.
 * Beavis: Oh.  Um…yeah, they're dead.

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 * Mr. Van Driessen: Students, can I have your attention?  There's been a terrible tragedy…and I wanted you to hear it from me first—
 * Principal McVicker: [over PA]  Listen up!  Beavis and Butt-head are dead!  There will be an emergency meeting in the teachers' conference room in five minutes, followed by a brief party.  Whoo!  Yeah!

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 * Principal McVicker: [giving speech at fund-raiser]  I would gladly give back all the money, just to see Beavis and Butt-head one more time.
 * Butt-head: Okay, McDicker, give us some money.
 * Principal McVicker: What!?
 * Beavis: Where the hell are the dead people?
 * Principal McVicker: Uhhh, you're supposed to be dead!  [struggles with Beavis and Butt-head; sees the memories of the boys' antics; has a heart attack]
 * Beavis: Whoa!  A dead body!  Check it out!
 * Coach Buzzcut: Give the man some air!  He's not dead yet!

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 * [the final lines of the original run of the series as the boys walk off to the strings of love music and sirens—with the money collected in their names]
 * Butt-head: Hey, Beavis, did you see McVicker?  He was, like, "Uh, uh, uh," and then Buzzcut made out with him.
 * Beavis: Yeah, that was cool.  We should go to school early tomorrow, you know, in case someone else dies.
 * Butt-head: Dumbass, [the two begin walking off into the sunset] we're rich; we don't have to go to school ever again.
 * Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's pretty damn cool.
 * Butt-head: Uh huh huh, yeah.
 * Beavis and Butt-head: [simultaneously, laughing for the last time]  Heh heh heh mh heh heh heh… Uh huh huh huh huh huh huh…
 * [screen fades out and a title card reads THE END]

Cast

 * Mike Judge—Beavis
 * Mike Judge—Butt-head
 * Mike Judge—David Van Driessen
 * Mike Judge—Principal McVicker
 * Mike Judge—Coach Buzzcut
 * Rottilio Michieli—Todd Ianuzzi