Being John Malkovich

Being John Malkovich is a 1999 film about a puppeteer who discovers a portal that leads literally into the head of the actor John Malkovich.
 * Directed by Spike Jonze. Written by Charlie Kaufman

Ever wanted to be someone else? Now you can. (taglines)

Craig Schwartz



 * Do you see what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is?
 * Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate.
 * I'd fuck me. [Watching television documentary on his puppeteering when he's in John Malkovich's body.]
 * Maxine. Maxine. I love you, Maxine. Oh, look away. Look away [Looking through Emily's eyes at the end]

Maxine Lund





 * Do you have any idea what it's like to have two people look at you, with total lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes?
 * Behind the stubble and the too-prominent brow and the male-pattern baldness... I sensed your feminine longing. And it just slew me.
 * Sounds great. Who the fuck is John Malkovich?

Lotte Schwartz

 * Help! He's locking me in a cage!
 * Don't stand in the way of my actualization as a man.

John Malkovich



 * I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should see.
 * That portal is mine, and it must be sealed forever for the love of God!
 * It's my head, Schwartz! It's my head!

Charlie Sheen



 * Truth is for suckers, Johnny Boy.
 * Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover.
 * Hot lesbian witches! Think about it!  It's fucking genius!
 * You're nuts to let a girl go that calls you Lotte, I tell you that as a friend.

Others

 * Dr. Lester: Forever doomed to watch the world through someone else's eyes.

Dialogue

 * Lotte: You are so full of shit Maxine!
 * Maxine: I know.


 * Lotte: For the first time, everything just felt right.
 * Craig: It's just a phase. It's the thrill of seeing through somebody else's eyes.


 * Maxine: So I've been thinking...Is this Malkovich fellow appealing?
 * Craig: Maxine! Yes, of course, Maxine.  He's a celebrity.
 * Maxine: Good. We'll sell tickets!
 * Craig: Tickets to Malkovich?
 * Maxine: Exactly! $200 a pop!


 * Dr. Lester: Ah, tell me Lotte, can you understand a word I'm saying?
 * Lotte: Oh yes, Dr. Lester, absolutely. You were just explaining the, um, nutritional value of ingesting minerals through a colloidal form, which I personally couldn't agree more with.
 * Dr. Lester: Oh, be still my heart!


 * John M.: The...this...the weird thing is this Maxine likes to call me Lotte.
 * Charlie Sheen: Ouch!  That is hot!  Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover...Sounds like my kind of gal!  Let me know when you're done with her, yeah?
 * John M.: What are you talking about, done with her?  Tonight really freaked me out!




 * John M.: Charlie, I don't know anything about the girl, man! She could be like a fucking witch or something!
 * Charlie Sheen: That's even better! Hot lesbian witches! Think about it! It's fucking genius!


 * Dr. Lester: Any questions?
 * Craig: Well, just one.  Why are these ceilings so low?
 * Dr. Lester: Low overhead my boy!  We pass the savings onto you!  Hahaha!


 * John M.: I have been to the dark side and back!  I have seen a world that no man should see!
 * Craig: Really? For most people, it's a rather pleasant experience.


 * Craig: I've fallen in love, and this is what people who've fallen in love look like!
 * Maxine: Well, you picked the unrequited variety. It's very bad for the skin.


 * Dr. Lester: Floris!  Get Guinness on the phone!
 * Floris: Ah, yes sir, Genghis Kahn Capone. Fine.
 * Dr. Lester: Damn fine woman, Floris.  I don't know how she puts up with this speech impediment of mine.


 * John Malkovich: That portal is mine, and it must be sealed forever for the love of God!
 * Craig: With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood.
 * John M.: It's my head, Schwartz, and I will see you in court!
 * Craig: And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court?


 * Craig: There's a tiny door in that empty office. It's a portal, Maxine. It takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes, then, after about fifteen minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of The New Jersey Turnpike.
 * Maxine: Sounds delightful. Who the fuck is John Malkovich?
 * Craig: He's an actor. One of the great American actors of the 20th century.
 * Maxine: What's he been in?
 * Craig: Lots of things. He's very well respected. That jewel thief movie, for example. The point is that this is a very odd thing, supernatural, for lack of a better word. It raises all sorts of philosophical questions about the nature of self, about the existence of the soul. Am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? Was the Buddha right, is duality an illusion? Do you realize what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is? I don't think I can go on living my life as I have lived it.

Taglines

 * Ever wanted to be someone else? Now you can.
 * Ever Wanted To Be Someone Else?
 * Be All That Someone Else Can Be.

Cast

 * John Cusack — Craig Schwartz
 * Cameron Diaz — Lotte Schwartz
 * Catherine Keener — Maxine
 * John Malkovich — John Horatio Malkovich
 * Orson Bean — Dr. Lester
 * Mary Kay Place — Floris (Lester's secretary/receptionist)
 * Charlie Sheen — Charlie