Big Mouth (TV series)

Big Mouth is an American adult animated sitcom created by Nick Kroll, Andrew Goldberg, Mark Levin, and Jennifer Flackett based on Kroll and Goldberg's tweenage years growing up in Westchester County, New York, with Kroll voicing his fictional self. The first season consisting of ten episodes premiered on Netflix on September 29, 2017. The second season also was released on October 5, 2018.

Ejaculation [1.01]

 * Maurice: Knock knock, who's there? It's the Hormone Monster.
 * Andrew: No no no no no. You've gotta be kidding me. Nick is right there, sir.
 * Maurice: And?
 * Andrew: And I'm a good person. I wouldn't do that laying next to a friend.
 * Maurice: Then why am I here?
 * Andrew: Oh my God, you're always right. What the hell is wrong with me?
 * Maurice: Nothing. You're a perfectly normal gross little dirtbag. Now stare at that cat clock and massage your dinger.


 * Nick: Are you the Puberty Fairy?
 * Maurice: The FUCK did you just call me?
 * Nick: The Puberty Fairy?
 * Maurice: Puberty Fairy? I'm the Hormone Monster! I'm not a fairy. I mean, sure, I fuck around with dudes, but I'm not a fairy.

Everybody Bleeds [1.02]

 * Jessi: Why do you smell so good?
 * Connie: Because I don't wear deodorant and I only take bubble baths.




 * Andrew: So, have you heard from Jessie since the kiss?
 * Nick: Yeah. I mean, I sent her a text that said "hey" and she sent me a video of a dog dressed like a fisherman.
 * Andrew: Oh my God.
 * Nick: Yeah.
 * Andrew: I guess she likes you.
 * Nick: Yeah, I think so. I mean, the dog had a hat and a raincoat, tiny fishing pole.
 * Andrew: No, I've seen it.
 * Nick: It's like fun and playful but also...
 * Andrew: But you don't send it lightly.
 * Nick: I'm still figuring out what I want to send back.
 * Maurice: Oh oh oh. Tell him to send a dick pic. Girls love that. Especially when it comes out of nowhere with like zero context.




 * Maurice: You don't know what's in that backpack. I bet it's filled to the brim with dildos.
 * Missy: Hey, Andrew, do you want to play Travel Scrabble?
 * Maurice: Oh, she wants it so bad.

Am I Gay? [1.03]

 * Jay: Come on, Andrew. No girl's gonna hook up with you if you're gay. They're gonna think all you do is stick your dick inside other dudes' dicks.




 * Andrew: This whole thing with Jessi, it makes you wonder, like, hey! Women! Do we even need them?
 * Jay: What? Yes, of course we do. What about my mom? And, like, whores?




 * Jay: Okay, how about this: we'll say Jessi puts peanut butter on her dog's dick and licks it off. Yum yum yum.
 * Nick: Aren't you supposed to put the peanut butter on your own dick?
 * Jay: Oh, wow. That would feel way better.

Sleepover: A Harrowing Ordeal of Emotional Brutality [1.04]

 * Devin: Oh my God, what are you, like, her mom?
 * Lola: Yeah, are you gonna, like, divorce her dad and then marry some guy who lives in another state and then sometimes your daughter has to, like, Uber to school because it's cheaper for you to fly back on a Tuesday, or like what?




 * Jay: Everything I know, I owe to my brothers.
 * Nick: Where are Val and Kurt?
 * Jay: Oh, man. They're at some bitchin' high school party tonight. They made me trim their pubes before they left because they are out there swingin' dicks and bonin' chicks.




 * Lola: Stop trying to make out with me, you lesbo! You're not my mom!

Girls Are Horny Too [1.05]

 * Jay: There's no way girls are as horny as I am.
 * Andrew: That's true. Jay fucks his pillow.
 * Jay: I also once fucked this really sexy bag of potting soil.
 * Andrew: See? They can't be like Jay.
 * Jay: To completion.
 * Andrew: The boy is a deviant.
 * Jay: I'm not allowed back in that greenhouse.




 * Jay: We can relieve Jessi of her horniness by touching her boobs! She'll be grateful. I know if I was walking around with a red bra on my dick, I'd want somebody to touch my dick, right?
 * Maurice: You're a little fuckin' freak. I like hanging out with you.




 * Maurice: Uh oh. Dickarus is flying too close to the sun.




 * Connie: If you need me, I'll be in the bubble bath watching Dr. Drew Pinsky. He looks like a sexy turtle.




 * Maurice: Seriously, I was like, "why is your dad having sex with a messenger bag on?" and then I was like "oh, those are his balls." I can't get 'em out of my mind, you know? It's like, is he seeing a doctor? Because there could be something wrong. It's weird, too, because they're veiny but there's no hair. It's smooth. That's the weight, right? Pulling down the skin? I honestly wonder if he ever poops on his own balls. He's probably gotta drape 'em outside the toilet. Maybe that's how he came up with the illuminated toilet seat. I told some kid about that and he went on Shark Tank and made millions. I feel like I should tell your dad, but I'm scared he's gonna hit me in the head with that big pillowcase full of watermelons. Ah, the boy is asleep. What a kid. And what a set of nuts. Jesus Christ, what a thing to live up to.

Pillow Talk [1.06]

 * Mint: Dolphoodle. It's a cross between a dolphin and a poodle. Andrew, you know him.
 * Andrew: I promise you I don't. Oh, dear God in heaven. Uh, hi, boy.
 * Mint: No, don't, my friend. Kevin eats fingers. He thinks they're baby corn.




 * Mint: Andrew, remember what I never told you! A scream can be music!




 * Detective Florez: All right, it's clear what happened here: the pillow, in a fit of rage, threw the sexy child magician down the stairs.

Requiem for a Wet Dream [1.07]

 * Andrew: I couldn't sleep.
 * Missy: I know, me neither. I don't know about you, but I was thinking about the Caldera and how we need to savor every moment before life is ripped from us by a storm of airborne ejecta.
 * Maurice: Ejecta? Oh, she wants it. You should take out your penis.




 * Andrew: My mom says I'm sweet and that's why spiders keep biting me.




 * Maurice: Andrew, let me in! I will not be ignored! I will burn this place to the ground and fuck the ashes! I have been blowing loads since the dawn of time!




 * Jay: That's why I like watching The Diane Show. You can tell she cooks with love. Or whatever. Who cares? Not me. Fuck you.

The Head Push [1.08]

 * Missy: I shouldn't have pushed my mons pubis up against you.
 * Andrew: Your mom's what?

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 * Maurice: I never wanted to tame you, I just wanted to keep a toothbrush and a few spare dicks at your apartment!

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 * Andrew: Maury, why is this all so complicated?
 * Maurice: I know I'm a broken record on this, but Mercury is in retrograde.
 * Andrew: Enough with the astrology.
 * Maurice: Spoken like a two-faced fuckin' Gemini.

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 * Jay: I mean, how else are guys supposed to get blowjobs?
 * Maurice: You lean your head back, arch your crotch in the air and say "Dinner is served."

I Survived Jessi's Bat Mitzvah [1.09]

 * Jay: I mean, look at you! You're like a square, sexy box. I just want to, like, take you to FedEx and fill you full of packing peanuts.
 * Jessi: Stop! I hate this dress. My stupid mother made me get it.
 * Jay: Oh, yeah, moms are so stupid. They're always passing out drunk in the bath instead of signing your field trip permission slip.

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 * Maurice: With all due respect, Connie, this girl's a little fucking cunt, and me and the boy are going to kill ourselves tonight.

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 * Connie: Now stick your pinky in his little toffee-colored tushy!

The Pornscape [1.10]

 * Jay: You guys realize DNA is a hoax created by gay scientists, right?

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 * Connie: He looks like a sexy porcupine.

Am I Normal? [2.01]

 * Maurice: The guy makes me laugh, he's like Tracy Morgan. I don't know if he knows he's funny, but he's fuckin' funny.

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 * Connie: The kid's a little weirdo.
 * Jessi: Yeah, he's nuts!
 * Connie: And you like him! Why you like a little weirdo?
 * Jessi: I don't know! Ugh, what is wrong with me?
 * Connie: You're gonna be one of those weak women who goes for bad guys with stupid brains and garbage dicks!

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 * Connie: Let's get Chick-fil-A and not tell anybody.

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 * Maurice: We talking about eating pussy? Too bad you lost your womb broom.
 * Andrew: My womb broom?
 * Maurice: Womb broom, your mustache. It's a little term I picked up in the Marines. Semper Fi.
 * Andrew: Is that Captain Crunch?
 * Maurice: I'd follow that guy to the bottom of the ocean.

What Is It About Boobs? [2.02]

 * Nick: This might be controversial, but I'm gonna come out as pro-boobs.

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 * Jessi: Look, you should all calm down. We already live in a society that fixates on the female form in a psychologically decimating way to many young women.
 * Lola: Boo, feminism! I am NOT with her.
 * Jessi: Okay, well, anyway --
 * Lola: MAGA MAGA MAGA!

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 * Jessi: I heard somewhere that nobody likes their boobs.
 * Missy: I like my boobs.
 * Lola: What boobs? You're flatter than the Earth.
 * Missy: Actually, the Earth is not flat.
 * Lola: Tell my pastor that.

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 * Missy's Reflection: You can't take off your robe. You look like a busted Smeagol, you flat-chested beanpole-ass BITCH!

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 * Nick: I think I'm gonna talk to Gina at lunch.
 * Andrew: What? You're gonna talk to her? Do you want to borrow the cardigan I carry around to cover my boners?

The Shame Wizard [2.03]

 * Jay: Dr. Birch, can I eat my quinoa burger in the pool? I'm still peeing.

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 * Maurice: I don't see a sign anywhere that says "don't jerk off to our daughter."

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 * Andrew: Hey, mom? Have you ever done something that you, you know, regretted?
 * Marty Glouberman: What did you do, you little pervert?
 * Barbara Glouberman: Don't tell me, Andrew. Whatever you did, don't ever tell me.
 * Andrew: No, I'm just asking if you've ever felt ashamed.
 * Barbara Glouberman: I'm ashamed of everything. It's my great shame.
 * Marty Glouberman: Don't ask your mother about shame. That's why I pay synagogue dues. So that you can talk to Rabbi Poblart if you have a problem.
 * Andrew: But you don't pay synagogue dues.
 * Marty Glouberman: You're damn right I don't. And I'm not gonna pay a dime! Not until Poblart gives up one of his three parking spots! We wandered the desert for forty years so that this man can park at a diagonal? Pheh!

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 * Jessi: What if I get caught?
 * Connie: That's what makes it so exciting! Like screwing a stranger at a minor league baseball game.

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 * Andrew: Oh, okay. You want to trade in stereotypes, old man? Well I bet you... I bet you have sex with little boys!
 * Priest: Old man? I'm thirty-two!
 * Andrew: Oh, big wow.
 * Priest: I've boned down with grown-ass women.
 * Andrew: Oh, who cares.
 * Priest: Divorcees!

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 * Priest: You know what? If I did fuck little boys, you wouldn't be one of them!
 * Andrew: A lot of adult men would be attracted to me and this big can of mine.

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 * Maurice: One, two, three... I'm missing a dick. Everyone check their butts.

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 * Susan: I'm Andrew's father's associate, Susan. He masturbates to me every night.
 * Maurice: Objection! He masturbates to her during the day as well.

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 * Bad Mitten: Hey, let's buy a dog from a puppy mill and say we got it from a shelter.

Steve the Virgin [2.04]

 * Jenna Bilzerian: Steve, do you ever get lonely?
 * Coach Steve: Of course not. I remain lonely.

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 * Jessi: Shannon, Shannon, Shannon. What are you going to buy me today?
 * Connie: Why not just take what we want and save that money for Bonnaroo tickets?

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 * Jay: I guess I'm pissed because you're kind of like my friend, and for some weird reason, I don't want my friends to fuck my mom. Does that make me gay?

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 * Lola: Look, Andrew! I'm Quidditch!

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 * Jenna Bilzerian: And for my son, a glass of cotton candy brandy. Wait, how old are you, Jay?
 * Jay: That's a great question, mom. I'm thirteen.
 * Jenna Bilzerian: Oh, okay.
 * Jay: Party wolf!

The Planned Parenthood Show [2.05]

 * Matthew: (to Coach Steve) I think the person who had sex with you may have committed a crime.

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 * Diaphragm: We both know you're not gonna pick me. I'm just here for the buffet. Your mother and I were really good friends.

Drug Buddies [2.06]

 * Connie: Ugh, I cannot deal with this nerd. I'm gonna lie down and watch The Great British Bake Off. They're so nice to each other.

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 * Nick: If you guys take me to ice cream, I will give blowjobs to everyone.
 * Jay: All right. Let's do this.
 * Jessi: Jay!
 * Jay: What? A blowjob's a blowjob. Don't be gay.

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 * Lola: I thought you were a good guy like Dr. Phil, but you're a bad guy like Dr. Oz!

Guy Town [2.07]

 * Matthew: Tell us, Andrew, when exactly did you know you were going to dump Lola? Was it before or after you came in your Costco jeans?

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 * Marty Glouberman: Oh, please. Recycling is a scam. Just like stuffed crust pizza. It's just more cheese and bread. You're actually losing tomato sauce.

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 * Andrew: My dad is not a man. He is a one star Yelp review come to life.

Dark Side of the Boob [2.08]

 * Connie: Don't you have a hobby or something?
 * Shame Wizard: Well, as a matter of fact, I collect vintage Nazi dildos.
 * Maurice: This fucking guy. He figured out a way to ruin dildos.

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 * Shame Wizard: It seems you've been replaced with a better model, not unlike how latex replaced ivory as the material of choice in the dildo industry.
 * Jessi: What is he talking about?
 * Connie: Ignore him. He's just trying to sell us Nazi dildos.
 * Shame Wizard: Oh, no no no no, I assure you, ladies, they are not for sale.

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 * Maurice: I think Lola might have given you a concussion. How many penises am I holding up?

Smooch or Share [2.09]

 * Shame Wizard: You truly are an enigma.
 * Coach Steve: You're not supposed to say that word anymore.

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 * Connie: Oh, shit, my golf balls! Dammit!

The Department of Puberty [2.10]

 * Connie: Hello, my tasty little tortellini.


 * Connie: Don't leave me with Shitshow Shannon!


 * Shame Wizard: You can call me Shane Lizard. That's what my friends call me.
 * Andrew: You're friends with Coach Steve?
 * Shame Wizard: Isn't everybody?

My Furry Valentine [3.01]

 * Coach Steve: They fired me from the school and now I'm Walgreens Greeter Coach Steve. Not to brag, but I've never been closer to suicide.