Big Time Rush

Big Time Rush is an American teen sitcom that aired on Nickelodeon.

The series stars Kendall Schmidt as Kendall Knight, James Maslow as James Diamond, Carlos Pena, Jr. as Carlos Garcia, Logan Henderson as Logan Mitchell, and Stephen Kramer Glickman as Gustavo Rocque.

Big Time Audition

 * Kendall: Opportunities like this come once in a lifetime, and when they do you gotta grab it and turn that thing big time!
 * Logan: Turn it and I predict that 90 percent chance of bodily harm, and I'm talking about us, not them!
 * Carlos: Wimp! (Puts on his helmet and runs towards the T-bar and tries to turn it.) It's stuck!
 * James: I had my pop star dream again last night and this time, I was wearing my lucky white V-neck and I was singing a Smokey Robinson song Tracks of my tears, yeah, yeah! What are we doing?
 * Kendall: Uh, the janitor left the T-bar sprinkler valve and do you want to help us soak the girls field hockey team?
 * James: Yeah! (They both run toward it and before they turn it they look back to Logan)
 * Logan: I gotta get new friends. (Walks over and they all turn it. They hear the girls scream as they laugh nervously)
 * Kendall: And now we run! (They get chased by the girls)
 * James: (While running away) This is what it's gonna be like when I'm famous! Only the girls won't be trying to kill me!
 * Kendall: [About to get beat up by the Girl's Field Hockey team] Time Out! Carlos, give James the helmet.  We gotta protect "The Face".
 * Carlos: Right! (gives James the helmet)
 * James: I love you guys!
 * Kendall: Time in.


 * Gustavo: Where am I and why am I freezing?!
 * Kelly: You're in Minnesota.
 * Gustavo: (pointing to the fans that were there) WHAT'S UP MINNESOTA?! (they all cheer) I hate all of them. And the state for freezing my latte.
 * Kelly: Yes, I know.
 * Gustavo: Also, I need a bigger coat.
 * Kelly: It's our last stop so just focus and try not to make everybody cry. Somewhere in here is your new big star, I can feel it.
 * Gustavo: I'M THE STAR! What I need is a canvas with great hair that I can paint my pop on. I need a singing block of wood that I can set on fire so please tell me where in... uh..
 * Kelly: Minnesota.
 * Gustavo: Where in Minnesota IS MY FIRE?!


 * Kendall, Carlos, Logan, James: Oww! Ouch! (they're watching The Pussycat Dolls)
 * Kendall: Watching The Pussycat Dolls does make the pain go away.
 * James: (Seeing Nicole sing) I'm gonna marry her someday.
 * Logan: Uh, you're gonna marry Nicole Scherzinger... How?
 * Carlos and Kendall: No no no no no!!
 * James: (he gets up and stands on the table) I'm gonna be famous, sing to sold-out arenas, have, like, five houses, make the girls go crazy and then marry Nicole.
 * Logan: Are you done? Please be done.
 * James: No, 'cause this is the part where I SHAKE MY BOOTY! (He shakes his butt in front of Logan) "I'm gonna be famous, I'm gonna marry Nicole!"
 * Kendall: Carlos?
 * Carlos: Got it! (puts on his helmet and pushes James off the couch and they both fight)
 * TV: Do you want to be a pop star?
 * James: Yes!
 * TV: Well today is your chance if you're in Minnesota!
 * James: I'm in Minnesota...
 * Jenny: I'm gonna be the next Gwen Stefani!!
 * Kendall: That's Jenny Tinkler from homeroom!
 * TV: Gustavo Rocque 1990's mega-producer of bands like Boy Quake, Boys In The Attic, and Boys City is looking for his next pop superstar. But he's even more famous for his quote of Rolling Stone he said 'I could turn a dog into a pop star.'
 * James: I sing better than a dog!
 * TV: Sign-ups are until 5 pm, so if pop stardom is on your list...
 * Kendall: Call all moms now!
 * TV: You still have time..
 * Boys: Mom, call me back when you get this message we need a ride real bad!
 * James: RING!

(Phone rings and Carlos grabs it)
 * Carlos: Hello? Yeah? Uh-huh. Great! Get here as fast as you can!
 * James: Your mom's coming!
 * Carlos: No but this nice lady is sending her crew over for a free estimate on aluminum siding!

(James tackles Carlos)
 * Kendall: Logan has a learner's permit!

(James and Carlos get up and look at both Logan and Kendall)
 * Logan: What? I need an adult in the car and a car!
 * James: KENDALL! DO SOMETHING!
 * Kendall: What are you looking at me for? Logan's the genius!
 * Logan: What? I panic under pressure and you always come up with the answer!
 * Kendall: What? That is so not true... I know how to get there.

(They are at Ms. Majecowsky front door)
 * Kendall: All you have to do is get in the car, Logan will drive and we'll shovel your walkway..for free! All year long!
 * Carlos, Kendall, James, Logan: Come on, come on, hurry! Faster, faster! (They are carrying Ms. Majecowsky to the car)

---
 * Girl 1: I'm soo in loveee with you!'
 * Gustavo: Your singing makes me want to dance...OFF OF A CLIFF! NEEXT!!
 * Man: "THUNDER!"
 * Gustavo: (puts headphones on) NEXT!!
 * Guy 1: :I love life more than anyone, doo doo doo
 * Gustavo: (hitting the desk) GET. OFF. THE. STAGE!
 * Guy 2: (Singing)
 * Gustavo: (squishes the cup so hard that the lid flies off)
 * Guy 3: (Singing)
 * Gustavo: (Tries to get over desk with rocket launcher )
 * Kelly: NO! no no! NEXT!
 * Dog: (barks as if he was singing)
 * Gustavo: That's actually the best singing we heard all day! NEXT!

(more people sing horribly)
 * Gustavo: Listen here sister, that's the worst singing I've ever heard IN MY LIFE!

(The nun walks away)
 * Kelly: You know these people have feelings right?
 * Gustavo: Oh, neat. Wanna know what I have? 29 platinum records, I don't need feelings. What I need is the guy or girl the record company paid me a million dollars to find to make my fire and if you and I don't find him or her? WE'RE FIRED! (a guy comes in to sing) KEEP WALKING, DON'T STOP AT THE MICROPHONE, JUST KEEP WALKING AND GOODBYE!
 * Kelly: Don't worry, sign ups are until five and it's..one minute till five..
 * Gustavo: AHHH!!

--- (The guys arrive at the audition)
 * James, Carlos, Kendall, Logan: Come on! Hurry up, hurry up! Let's go!

(James runs to Kelly)
 * James: My name is James Diamond, I-I wanna be famous. "woah-ohh" (Kelly puts a sticky note on his shirt)
 * Kelly: Fill in the rest of this sheet and wait for your number to be called. (She hands some papers to him)
 * Carlos, Kendall, Logan: Yess!

(They see Jenny being carried by security guys)
 * Jenny: I'M A STAR! I'M GOING TO BE THE NEXT GWEN STEFANI! Oh, hey guys.
 * Carlos, James, Logan, Kendall: Hey, Jenny.
 * Jenny: HE'S EVIL! I'M A STAR! A STAR!
 * Kelly: You, name. (Points to Logan)
 * Logan: Me? Uh, no, thank you. I'm gonna be a doctor.
 * Kelly: Yeah well, I'm a desperate talent scout and you have a cute smile and Justin Timberlake just made 44 million dollars last year.
 * Logan: Hit me. (Points to chest and Kelly puts a sticky note with his number on his shirt)
 * Carlos: I wanna be famous too! oh-woahh (Kelly puts another sticky note with a number written on it on Carlos' shirt) Yeah!
 * Kelly: You... Tall, Blond, and Eyebrows. Want your dreams to come true today?
 * Kendall: Sorry, my dream is to play center for the Minnesota Wild, but I'll also consider the Maple Leaves.
 * Kelly: Oh! (puts a sticky note with a number written on it on Kendall's shirt) Eight-ten is next!
 * James: (James changes his sticky note with Logan) Oh, look, you're next!
 * Carlos: Dude... You don't sing!
 * Logan: Carlos that was the worst pep talk in history. Luckily, I'm a genius. I'll think of something... Kendall?
 * Kendall: Beat box.
 * Logan: Got it! (goes in and starts beat boxing)
 * Gustavo: "wu-ka-chika wu-ka-chika wu-ka-chika" Stop! Stop it! Forever!
 * Logan: But... I just started.
 * Gustavo: And now, you're finished. But I'm not because I wanna tell you WHAT ELSE YOU ARE!!

(Logan gets out of the room with a scared face)
 * Gustavo: GET BACK HERE! I'VE GOT MORE WORDS AND I WANNA USE THEM ON YOU!
 * Logan: Don't go in there! H-he's Satan! He's Satan in bug-eye sunglasses!
 * Kelly: Eight-eleven? Eight-eleven is up.

(James looks at his sticky note changes it with Carlos)
 * James: All you buddy! Go get them..

(Carlos puts on his helmet and goes in)
 * Carlos: Ooh! ooh! ooh! (then he farts in the mic, then he bows and Gustavo gets up so he can go and kill him but Kelly tries to stop him)
 * Carlos: (to the guys) Not going to Hollywood!
 * Kelly: Eight-twelve, eight-twelve is up.

(James tries to change his sticky note with Kendall but Kendall stops him)
 * Kendall: (standing up) James this is your dream not mine. Now remember, opportunities like this comes once in a life time. Now grab on that dream with both hands and go BIG TIME! (James goes in)
 * Gustavo: Well, he's not hideous.
 * James: (starts singing) People say I'm the life of the party because I tell a joke or two 

(Kendall, Carlos, Logan, and Mrs. Majecowsky were in the back)
 * Mrs. Majecowsky: Not bad.
 * James: Although I might be laughing loud and hardy, deep inside I'm (he looks into Gustavo's glasses and makes him nervous that he messes up) *cough*
 * Gustavo: Stop, stop.
 * James: Umm sorry I-I got a little nervous there... Can I start over?
 * Gustavo: Oh yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, start over. Why don't you, uh, go outside and then just not come back in okay? NEXT!
 * James: But I'm good.
 * Gustavo: I DON'T NEED GOOD! I need the fire. I need someone who will knock me out of my seat! And as you can tell I'm still in it! Because you have NO TALENT!
 * Kendall: NO TALENT?! NO TALENT?!  YOU'RE THE ONE WITH NO TALENT!  YOU HAVEN'T HAD A HIT IN TEN YEARS!
 * Gustavo: Hey!  "Girl to my Heart" by Boyquake was a hit nine years ago!
 * Kendall: Oh, "Girl to my Heart." Let me see if I can remember that rock classic. "GIRL MY EYES AND GIRL MY MIND, IT NEVER STOPS"(jumps on the table)"AFTER IT STARTS BECAUSE YOU'RE MY GIRL! MY GIRL TO MY HEART HEART HEART!!"
 * Kelly: WOAH! WOAH! SECURITY!
 * Kendall: Here's a new hit for ya (while his getting dragged off by security) "OH YOU'RE SUCH A TURD! OH YEAH A GIANT TURD! AND YOU LOOK LIKE A TURD AND YOU SMELL LIKE A TURD!!" (to the security guys) HEY GET OFF ME! COME ON! LET GO!
 * Carlos: (to Logan) Quick! What's the worst that could happen if I try to break him free?
 * Logan: Uhh-um Ju-juvenile? One prior for mooning?... 20 hours community service.
 * Carlos: I can live with that! (He runs towards Kendall and the security guys to help Kendall free)

(James puts the mic down and jumps onto the security guys to help his friends free)
 * Logan: (looks at Mrs. Majecowsky) I gotta get new friends.




 * Kendall: [With the police holding him, his friends, and the old lady]'' Mom! Remember that time I saved you from choking?  Wow! That was close! And I love you.
 * Mrs. Majecowsky: I feel so alive!


 * Carlos: Dude, how did you know those songs?
 * Kendall: They play Boyquake on the 90's channel all day at work, and I made up the giant turd song.
 * Logan: It was catchy.
 * Mrs. Knight: What happened?  The truth, now!
 * Logan: Mrs. Majecowsky helped us try to make James famous.
 * Carlos: But this producer guy was super mean to everyone.
 * Kendall: So I sang him the Giant Turd Song and there was a tiny fight, but NOBODY GOT HURT!
 * James: And now I'm really sad.
 * Mrs. Knight: Okay! Who wants sandwiches?
 * The Guys: Ooh Me!
 * Katie: Whoa! Wait! That's it?  That's your interrogation?  You didn't put the screws to 'em or slap 'em with the hard cheese!
 * Mrs. Knight: I don't know what you're talking about, but you aren't allowed to watch FOX anymore!
 * Katie: Well can I at least hear the Giant Turd song?
 * Kendall, Logan, Carlos, James: Oh you're such a turd, Oh yeah, a giant turd. And you look like turd, and smell like a turd... (door bell rings so they go open it but they are still singing) Oh your such a turd oh yeah a giant turd and you look like a turd and...AHH!! (they see Gustavo and Kelly standing outside their door)
 * James: YES! (he goes and hugs Gustavo) I knew you'd come back for me.
 * Gustavo: (pulls away James) I'm not here for you! I'm here for him! (points at Kendall)
 * James: What?!
 * Carlos, Logan, Kendall: What?!
 * Mrs. Knight: (from the kitchen) I'll make some tea

Gustavo: Mrs. Knight I wanna take your family to Los Angeles and produce some demo tracks with Kendall

Kendall: you can’t be serious

Kelly: it will take 3 months we’ll take care of all of your expensives

Gustavo: Kendall you have a gift you have the fire you also have anger management issues some people say I have anger management issues but I also have FIVE HOUSES - 


 * Logan: So I uh, did the math last night on this whole singing thing...and, Katie was right: you're an idiot. (takes a shopping cart and pushes it, but it hits a car and its beeper goes off) It's breaking right.
 * Kendall: Guys. I don't want to go to LA with that jerk. I want to be here with YOU jerks! And play hockey for our TEAM...
 * Carlos: But this is just LIKE hockey! Only instead of crashing the boards and rushing the net, you're singing and dancing!
 * Logan: What have you got to lose?!
 * Carlos: (walks right in front of Kendall) Dude...CALIFORNIA! The girls, the beach, the stars! The...GIRLS!
 * Kendall: Yeah. But none of that matters if it's minus my best friends! Add those numbers up, professor.
 * Logan: (pulls out a calculator) Kay, carry the two, ahhhh...nope! Still an idiot.
 * Kendall: (to James) What about you? You haven't said anything to me all day.
 * James: I'm not talking to you.
 * Carlos and Logan: You just did.
 * James: You know what?! (to Kendall) Dude, part of me hates you right now. No, all of me hates you. Call that guy back.
 * Kendall: That guy said you have no talent, made YOU cry...(to Logan) and broke my mom's teacup.




 * Gustavo: I'm Gustavo Rocque! I'm amazing! I'M AMAZING. And if you think for one second that i'm so desperate because i've toured 22 cities and haven't been able to find anybody, you can think again! Because there is no way-NO...WAY-GUSTAVO ROCQUE...is taking the four dogs from Minnesota to Los Angeles to make them stars! It's never gonna happen! NEVER!!!!!
 * Kendall: ...So, we have a deal.
 * Gustavo: Yep.




 * Kendall: Okay reality check!  We have to promise ourselves NOW, that we won't let this singing thing or this town change us!  We are four hockey players from Minnesota and we can never forget that!  Do we all agree?
 * The guys: Yes!
 * (ten minutes later, the guys are in the pool)
 * Kendall: Once you've sipped from a real coconut, there's no going back!
 * The guys: So true!




 * Kendall: Do any of your songs not have the word "girl" in them?
 * Gustavo: Well, let's find out, Mr. Question Everything I Do! Let's take a look at my WALL of PLATINUM RECORDS! (walks up to his wall) Let's see, there's uh... "Girl Like You". "Girl, You Are My Girl". "Hot Girl". "Cold Girl". (Carlos and Logan watch in dissentment) "Girl 2 My Heart". "Yard Squirrel Christmas". I forgot that one was there. Uh, "Girl Zone", "Girl Zone Remix", "Girl Cake", and "Girl Girl Girl", which sold THREE MILLION COPIES, and was NUMBER ONE...FOR FIVE...WEEKS! (walks up to Kendall) Any other questions...DOG? (slaps his cheek)
 * Kendall: Are any of those songs from this Girllenium?




 * (after the boys have a pillow fight and are covered in feathers)
 * Gustavo: (to Carlos) YOU...can't sing! (to Logan) YOU...can't sing, OR dance!
 * Logan: But I can backflip.
 * Gustavo: Stop it!
 * Logan: Okay.
 * Gustavo: Forever.
 * Logan: Hm.
 * Gustavo: (Looks at James, but skips to Kendall) Worst of all. You don't even seem to WANT this!!
 * Kendall: (Coughes feathers)
 * James: What about me? I sing, dance and I want this.
 * Gustavo: YOU...remind me A LOT of Matthew McConaughey.
 * James: Awesome.
 * Gustavo: I CAN'T STAND MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY!!




 * Kendall: But I've realized three things since we got here. One, I love singing. Two, I love singing with you guys! And opportunities like this come once in a lifetime!
 * Logan: What's the third thing?
 * Kendall: It's -8 in Minnesota right now....and I'm in love with this pool.




 * Gustavo: Carlos still can't sing. Logan still can't dance. And I still can't stand James!
 * Kendall: We'll work on it!
 * Gustavo: ... Okay, now you can celebrate.

Big Time School of Rocque

 * James: Tyler why are you so happy?
 * Tyler: Today the class takes lessons outside!
 * The guys: Lesson at the Palm Woods...The guys imagine the lesson out the Palm Woods School
 * Kendall: My dream had a pool.
 * Carlos: Mine had a pool and pie.
 * Logan: And mine had a low student-teacher ratio.
 * James: But the problem is Mr. Masterpiece
 * Kendall: Don't worry guys, my mom packed us corn chowder for lunch today, right? (The guys look at Kendall)


 * Kelly: Just let them go to the Palm Woods!
 * Gustavo: The day I let them beat me IS THE DAY I-is that a goat?


 * Kendall: You know the rules with sport at the school level right?!
 * Gustavo: WHAT?!?!
 * Logan: And you like our goat? The name of goat is Gus -Short for Gustavo!

Big Time Crib

 * James: Let's do this! (holds up three bandanas)
 * Kendall, Carlos and Logan: We're not wearing bandanas.
 * James: BANDANAS ARE COOL!




 * Bitters: Why are the Jennifers dripping KETCHUP all over MY PALMWOODS?




 * Gustavo: I realized today, sort of, that if you really want to train dogs properly, you need to throw them a treat now and then. So...enjoy your treat. You're not getting anymore.




 * (Bitters breaks out of the supply closet and into the boys' room)
 * Logan: You locked him in the supply closet?!
 * James: No...banana man did. (holds up a banana)
 * Bitters: This is a total lease violation! (sees the swirly slide) ...Man. Nice swirly slide. (to the boys) I want all of you out of here...TOMORROW!
 * Kelly: How 'bout I add another grand to your "making it happen" fee? (takes a check and gives it to Bitters)
 * Bitters: Have a Palm Woods day!




 * James: I love being a part of the RCM/CBT Global Net/Sanyoid Family... but I hate their hair dryers.
 * Gustavo: CUT! Just say what's on the card!
 * James: And what? They've completely ignored ionized technology.
 * Gustavo: You have said NOTHING I can use for the last 2 hours!
 * James: (Stalling Gustavo and talking extremely slow)) and in no way am I purposely stalling you.
 * Gustavo: Where did you get that banana?
 * James: Waffle? No thanks, I already ate!

Big Time Bad Boy

 * Gustavo: The bad boy is a rock and roll tradition.
 * [Shows poster of Boyquake]
 * Gustavo: Notice: The back turned to the rest of the band. Bad boy.
 * [Shows poster of Boy Blast]
 * Gustavo: Notice: the back turned, the dark clothing, and the scowl. Bad boy.
 * Kelly: But there can only be one bad boy per group, as learned from the bad boys experiment of '95.
 * [Takes down Boy Blast poster to reveal poster of Bad Boyz]
 * Gustavo: Didn't sell a single CD.


 * James: Yo, WayneWayne. I'm --
 * WayneWayne: Wasting your time-time.

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 * Logan: WayneWayne is a total fraud.
 * James: He wants to kick Kendall out of the band. (Kendall raises his arms)
 * Gustavo: Really? I bet on Logan.
 * Logan: (laughs) Well you would have LOST.

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 * WayneWayne: [During the Bad Boy off] My name is WayneWayne on the mic-mic and i'm badder than bad I said the City is Ours we're gonna take it like we're mad!
 * Kendall: [During the Bad Boy off] Your rhymes are weak mine fit like a glove Gustavo's gotta face only a mother could love! (Gustavo looks shocked)

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 * Griffin: So you got rid of Kendall (pressed the speaker) My money was on Logan.
 * Logan: (irritated) WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT?

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 * Gustavo: (In the bad boy off, where Kendall has just been wrecking Gustavo's office) (Talking about Kendall in an annoyed way) HE USED MY DESK AS A BATHROOM!!
 * Kendall: Bad boys go where they want.
 * Griffin: Ooh, that's a new one.

Big Time Love Song

 * Camille: (Slaps Kendall): How could you?! With my Mom in the hospital and my huge fight with my best friend and my zit?!
 * Kendall, James, Carlos, & Logan: Degrassi audition?
 * Camille: Wish me luck. (Slaps Kendall)


 * Gustavo: [playing on the piano] Any kind of guy you want, that's the guy i'll be...this song, is terrible. IT'S TER-RI-BLE!!!!!
 * Katie: Don't you have to be in love to write a love song? I mean, you're not wearing a wedding ring, and don't you hate EVERY LIVING THING?

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 * Kelly: You told me to get him to stop sneezing, and I did.
 * Gustavo: But he can't sing! And we have to sing this love song, because the record company wants a love song, AND I STILL HATE THIS SONG!!!!!
 * Kelly: Well, he refuses to take an allergy shot, (waves her arms around) AND I'M NOT A NURSE!!!!!
 * Gustavo: Your yelling has improved. But more like this: GET HIM AN ALLERGY SHOT!!!!!!!

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 * Camille: Uh, you told me you didn't have a boyfriend.
 * Jo: Uh, I don't, but I can't deal with that (looks over the balcony to see Logan, Carlos and Kendall fighting over her) every day.
 * Camille: Oh, boys are stupid. (laughs) Remember Logan's mine.
 * Jo: Got it.

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 * Griffin: I tell you I want a slow love song, and instead you ignore me, and give me...a hit.
 * Gustavo: YES! (the others cheer)
 * Griffin: But I still want a slow love song. And put the word "baby" in it.

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 * Kendall: And we're not gonna fight over girls anymore, right?
 * Carlos, James and Logan: Right!
 * Kendall: We're gonna be CIVILIZED, and only go after girls we meet ALONE and not together. Agreed?
 * Carlos, James and Logan: Agreed! [Rachel shows up in front of them]
 * Rachel: Hey, I just arrived at the Palmwoods. Can you tell me where the gym is?
 * Katie: (sighs) It's past the pool and to the right.
 * Rachel: Great. Thanks. [as she walks off, the boys stare at her walking off]
 * Kendall: She's mine! [they all fight trying to reach her]

Big Time Photo Shoot

 * Mrs. Knight: Look, she just wants an autograph! And look into these eyes and try to say no! (Katie looks at the security guards while looking extremely innocent)
 * Security Guards: No.
 * Katie: Man, you guys are good.
 * Security: The best. Now, beat it! (Mrs. Knight and Katie leave)
 * Katie: ...We're getting that autograph, right?
 * Mrs. Knight: Oh Yeah.

Big Time Break

 * (after Kendall sees that Jo is lying about having a boyfriend)
 * Jo: ...You set me up.
 * Kendall: Well, you lied to me.
 * Jo: I didn't want a boyfriend.
 * Kendall: Who says I wanted to be your boyfriend?! Because frankly, I don't like dating girls who lie.
 * Jo: Well, I don't like dating boys who catch me in my lies and make me hire idiot actors who can't remember their names!
 * Kendall: Well then, I guess we're done here!
 * Jo: I guess we are!
 * Kendall: Humph! (they walk off, but quickly walk back to eachother) ...So, do you want to go to the movies sometime?
 * Jo: Yeah, i'd like that. (Kendall walks to a table with Katie)
 * Katie: I don't think I completely get the whole "teenage dating" thing.
 * Kendall: I'm not sure if I do, either, baby sister.

Big Time Demos

 * Kendall: Hey, hey hey. We are NOT toast! What's the one thing we've learned since we got in L.A.?
 * James: That black is the new black.
 * Logan: If you drink cold milk on a hot day, you DIIIIIIIE.
 * Carlos: That every time you leave your house, your toys come alive.

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 * Mercedes: Look, I know we haven't all dated that long, but I just wanted to come back to say... (sighs) I'm sorry.
 * James: Yeah, you should be sorry! How could you pick THEM over ME?
 * Mercedes: Because, I never date anyone prettier than me.
 * James: (turns to the boys) I'm better now.

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 * Mercedes: ...It's my fault, Daddy. I lied to them, and I made them be my boyfriends, and then I ate terrible cookies, and then I cried, and then I helped them chimpnap Lolo, and...I love you!
 * Griffin: Is that true? Because she lies. A lot.

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 * Griffin: So what do you say, Lolo? Do you like Big Time Rush? [everyone looks at Lolo, who, after about ten seconds, makes a fart noise.] Ooooooh, the fart noise. Sorry boys, Vampirah wins.
 * Mercedes: Lolo's wrong, daddy! The vampire fad has one, two years left, max. These guys' songs have infectious melodies, classic pop hooks, and Big Time Rush will crush the 6- to 16-year-old demographic, which is your core music-buying base.
 * Griffin: Wow. Lolo, I'm transferring you to missile defense. Mercedes, you're my new hit-predicting adviser, and this way, we'll get to spend more time together. Big Time Rush wins! [everyone cheers, and Lolo somersaults while being held] Anything else for my princess?
 * Mercedes: Well, I never really got a chance to date Logan. [Logan panics]
 * Griffin: Logan, you're Mercedes' new boyfriend. [Logan pushes James in front of him]

Big Time Jobs

 * [while the boys are thinking back to times where they recklessly destroy things]
 * Kendall: Okay, so we do put a little wear and tear on things from time to time.
 * James: But that's showbiz! Right?
 * Gustavo: WRONG. And it's time you take responsibility for your actions. By paying me back...my TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!!!!!

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 * Kendall: James, you don't come?
 * James: No, I'd rather get a job that doesnt involve work.
 * Logan: (turns to Kendall) Go!

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 * James: "Are you the new face of Cuda?"
 * [Goes over to the mirror]
 * James' reflection in the mirror: You bet you are. Look at yourself. Who's handsomer than you?
 * James: No one.
 * Reflection: Who's got more style than you?
 * James: No one!
 * Reflection: Who's smarter than you?
 * James: Well, lots of people. But that has nothing to do with being a model!
 * Katie: Sounds like somebody needs a manager, and I only charge 40% for all your earnings.
 * Reflection: Tell her it's 50/50 or we walk.
 * Katie: Deal. Now, we need new headshots, new clothes, a personal stylist, and...you have got to stop talking to a mirror!

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 * Freight Train: You didn't really book him a job, did you?
 * Katie: No, and here's a bunch of modeling agencies. (shows him a paper) Help me out and start calling...HE NEEDS A JOB!

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 * Carlos: We have to destroy it!
 * Kelly: No! Gustavo said you can't break anything else.
 * C.A.L.: Kelly is dumb, women are weak.
 * Kelly: Oh, WHAT did he just say?!?!
 * C.A.L.: You heard me, cupcake.
 * Carlos and Kelly: OH, IT'S ON! [they take beating devices and run into the foam]
 * C.A.L.: [as Carlos and Kelly are destroying it] I was just-ow!-kidding! Can't you-ow!-take a joke? Ow! Tell the blender I love herrrrrr- [dies]

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 * James' reflection in the mirror: Hey! What are you doing? Take the job.
 * James: And model an ELBOW?!
 * Reflection: Not just an elbow. THE elbow. They could have chosen any elbow in the world, but they chose the best. And I want to go back to the pool!
 * James: ...It is pretty good.
 * Reflection: You bet it is. Now, let's rock this joint!

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 * Griffin: Gustavo, what did I tell you about breaking things?
 * Gustavo: I didn't break anything.
 * Griffin: You have a bat in your hand.
 * Gustavo: (throws the bat away) Okay, so we might put a little wear and tear on things from time to time.
 * Kelly: But, that's showbiz! Right?
 * Griffin: No. And it's time you take responsibility for your actions, by paying me back $14,089.

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 * Griffin: Be sure to buff out the rims. I want them to shine like a pirate's boot.
 * Kendall: (while he and the boys are washing a car) Not the pool, but...it's wet.
 * James: (throws a wet rag at Kendall furiously)
 * Kendall: (freezes and looks at James)
 * Griffin: (reading a magazine and on the back is a photo from James' job)
 * The guys: (in the tone of the theme song but lower) Oh, uh, oh ah, oh...

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 * James: (skips into the recording room) OH! It's a fruit smoothie and it's mine, all mine! (smiles)
 * Kendall: (smiles, than knocks the smoothie onto the recording equipment on accident)

Big Time Blogger

 * (while the boys are answering questions with the model Deke)
 * James: My lucky comb. (buzz)
 * Carlos: Yes! (buzz) No. (buzz) Maybe... (buzz)
 * Logan: Anti-disestablishmen-terianism. (buzz)
 * Kendall: Apatosaurus?! (buzz)
 * James: Golden shoes. (buzz)
 * Logan: Cheese sticks. (buzz)
 * James: (shouts) I'M GETTING A LITTLE FRUSTRATED HERE! (buzz)
 * Logan: (crying, with Carlos holding him) I was seven, I didn't know what I was doing! (buzz) (after two more buzzes) Would you stop it?!
 * Carlos: (after four more buzzes) Violence! (buzz)
 * Male chief: Carlos! Violence is NEVER the answer! The correct answer is seven. (Carlos gets irritated and punches his legs)
 * Female chief: Okay, according to those answers, we predict Deke will think you're slightly more advanced than cavemen who like corn dogs.
 * Carlos: Hey! We like hot dogs too!

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 * Bitters: And now for a true test of skill: double or nothing.
 * Katie: (typing on her computer) It was a friendly bet. It already is nothing, and i'm trying to think up a blog here.
 * Bitters: (has a table with three cups) Follow the ball, follow the ball. Where it goes, nobody knows. (he keeps moving the cups around and soon stops)
 * Katie: Middle.
 * Bitters: Wrong! (he takes the middle cup, which the ball is under) What?!

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 * Deke: Okay, done.
 * Carlos: Wait, what? That's it?
 * Deke: [reading his blog] "Big Time Rush is just another band force-fed upon us by the music industry. From the blogger that only writes the truth, it's clear they're full of rehearsed sound bites, choreographed body language and no real substance." (James yelps) "I suspect their words, hair, wardrobe and singing is done for them. Don't buy their album." Bye.

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 * Carlos: Life's funny, you know? One day, you're hockey players...then you're a pop band.
 * Logan: Then...blognappers.
 * James: Why does he think we're phonies, hm? HE SHOULD LIKE US!
 * Kendall: Why WOULD he like us?! 'Cause I gotta be honest: I don't like us right now! Worse than that, since when did we start caring about what people think about us? It's what we think about ourselves that matters.

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Big Time Terror

 * Katie: [yelling at the boys] What is going on? It's 3:30 in the morning!
 * Mrs. Knight: Katie, let me handle this. [louder] WHAT IS GOING ON, IT'S 3:30 IN THE MORNING!!!

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 * Kendall: I cannot believe we can't get rid of Gustavo.
 * Logan: Yeah, well, I can't believe we can't get rid of a ghost.
 * Kendall and James: You believe in ghosts?
 * Logan: I believe in the doo-doos in my pants. (Kendall and James make disgusted faces)
 * Bitters: [running by yelling] GHOOOST!!!

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 * James: We haven't failed this bad since we lost to Duluth East in hockey eight-one.
 * Carlos: Right, that was the game Kendall and I got ejected from for unsportsmanlike mooning.
 * Kendall: Wait a minute, that's it!
 * James: We should moon Gustavo and the ghost?
 * Kendall: No, we beat Duluth East in the finals later because we were all back on the ice--together.
 * Carlos, James and Logan: As a team.
 * Carlos: Right! We're gonna team moon them!
 * Kendall: Close we're gonna team up

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 * Bitters: We have to get rid of that ghost.
 * Carlos: Don't worry, we'll catch it (pulls out green fishing net) tonight.
 * Logan: With a fishing net?
 * Carlos: An ecto net.
 * Logan: Fishing net.
 * Carlos: Ecto net!
 * Logan: It's a fishing net.
 * Carlos: Ec-to net!
 * Logan: Fishing net.
 * Carlos: ECTO NET!

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 * Carlos: [to his camera] Okay. Logan, Bitters and I are gonna sleep out here in the lobby to try to catch the ghost.
 * Logan: There are no ghosts.
 * [fart noise. Carlos turns around.]
 * Logan: Dude!
 * Mr. Bitters: Hear that? It was the ghost.
 * Carlos: [turns back around to the camera] Bitters just ripped one.


 * 'Kendall: Gustavo, hey we know you need new songs for the album.
 * James: So how 'bout this one.
 * Kendall and James: (singing) Please don't stay another moment. We don't wanna hear more words spoken. Walk out through the door, OH LOOK, IT'S OPEN! And you snore in the dark and it's freakin' us out. (Gustavo shuts off the game)
 * James: Bad right?
 * Kendall: Terrible. (to Gustavo) You know you should probily go back to the mansion and write a new song.
 * James: A better song for the album. (James picks up some fish sticks and Kendall picks up a suitcase).
 * Gustavo: Nah, let's go with yours. (James and Kendall lower their things. Gustavo starts the game) I'm skiing down the Alps.

Big Time Dance

 * Camille: (after she throws her shoe at James) Logan, you may not believe this, but... I've never been asked out before.
 * Logan: No, I believe it.
 * Camille: This is my first dance, and I'd like to be asked in a way that I can remember. Not by cue cards!
 * Logan: Cue cards, what are you talking about? (she points to James holding the sign) Are you gonna hit me with a shoe?
 * Camille: No. And I'm not looking for a prince to ride up on a horse, but how about something with a little flair?
 * Logan: Flair. (James is dizzy from being hit, and holds up his "Will you go to the dance with me?" sign while walking)
 * Girl: (happily) Sure, James.

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 * James: Except...I spent so much time helping Logan...I never got a chance to ask anybody to the dance.
 * Rachel: Uh, no...you asked me.
 * Girl #1: Uh no, he asked me.
 * Girl #2: No, he hit me with a flying dance disk!
 * Three other girls: NO, HE ASKED ME!
 * James: Oh...maybe I did ask a few girls out. (they all glare at him angrily) Ladies! I'm a, i'm a go get some punch, you want- (they get riled and chase him out of the room while yelling) UAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
 * Carlos and Logan: ...He'll be fine!

Big Time Sparks

 * Carlos: We've been in L.A. for six months. When are we going to meet some totally hot and cool celebrity like Jordin Sparks?
 * Jordin: Excuse me? I'm looking for Mr. Bitters?
 * The Boys: [start getting up and look at the magazine cover then at Jordin Sparks]


 * Kendall What are you doing?
 * James Looking for four-leaf clovers. What are you doing?
 * Kendall Setting up another date with Jo. Hey, nothing can go wrong when you play horseshoes, right?


 * James Give me that horseshoe!
 *  Kendall No, it's for my date with Jo!

(chipmunk voice)
 * Kendall: Freight Train is squeezing us!
 * James: This is our big present?


 * Kendall: We knocked Jordin Sparks down a well!
 * Carlos: Nobody panic! I'm sure that Jordin is fine. [takes a coin out] I wish that Jordin is okay. [throws the coin down the well]
 * Jordin: OW!

[The boys become relieved.]


 * Kendall and Jordin: [from the well] It's not what it looks like!


 * Gustavo: In light of recent skunky events, I have decided...NOT to kill you. (the boys sigh) HOWEVER! You blatantly disregarded my orders to stay away from Jordin Sparks. And proved, once again, you are BAD...LUCK...RUSH!!!
 * Jordin: Gustavo...they're not bad luck. They're good luck.
 * Kelly: Um, they knocked you down a well.
 * Jordin: Yeah, but if I hadn't fallen down the well, I would have never figured out the song.
 * Gustavo: They helped you figure out the song?
 * Jordin: Yeah! It's not a solo...it's a duet.
 * Gustavo: (laughs) Duet? Duet...with Big Time Rush. That is the most-greatest idea I've ever had.

Big Time Fever

 * Kendall: It's 95 degrees out, WHY is Bitters the only one in the pool? [Bitters waves to them]
 * Tyler: Hey guys! Check out the sign.
 * Carlos: [reading the sign near the pool] Adult swim? No kids allowed?!?!
 * Logan: That's just plain rude!
 * Kendall: No, no no no no. You guys are reading it wrong! [he pulls out a marker] It says, "Adult swim? No, kids allowed!" [he uses the marker to change it to that. Everyone else jumps into the pool]

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 * Gustavo: CUT, cut! Will somebody please tell me why James is ORANGE?!?!?!?!
 * James: Actually, I'm...mangerine.

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 * Kelly: How come all your friends got Hollywood fever, and you didn't?
 * Gustavo: Because HE has a normal brain, and his friends have the brain of a cricket.

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 * Kendall: We think he might have Hollywood Fever. (Kelly looks worried)
 * Gustavo: (to Kelly) You, don't panic. (to James) You, STOP BEING ORANGE!!! (he tries to take the cans of mangerine spray out of James' hands as he sprays them, which he eventually does. His jacket has mangerine splattered on it) A-HA!
 * (James pulls out two more cans of mangerine spray, sprays himself with them, and runs out of the room)
 * Gustavo: Well, that didn't work. Let's try this. (he throws the cans on the floor) Fix your FRIEND, or I will FIRE him, and REPLACE him, with someone...who's not...ORANGE!!!!!!!

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 * [a whole bunch of people approach Kendall, who is wearing sunglasses and has two water guns]
 * Kendall: [chuckles] Looks like you guys beat the heat. [they look at him. He runs]

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 * Carlos: Yo, Gustav! I want a solo on the next album or record.
 * Jennifers: And, his new name is Jennifer!
 * Carlos: Okay, maybe not that, but the band's name is now Carlos and the Rush.

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 * Gustavo: We must divide and conquer! Kendall, you take Bongo Boy and drum some sense into him. Kelly, you go find Carlos and remind him that he's NOT A JENNIFER!!!!! And I am getting a shrink for James.

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 * Gustavo: Why are you looking at each other and saying things twice?

<hr width=50%>
 * James: Knock knock.
 * Everyone: Who's there?
 * James: Orange.
 * Everyone: Orange who?
 * James: Orange you glad I brought enough Mangerine Action Tan Spray for EVERYBODY!!!
 * [everyone screams and runs out of the office]

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 * Logan: Everybody chill it out and hop aboad Logan train to MellowVill. (bangs on the bongos) Chillllllllllllllllll. (Gustavo knocks them out of his hands)

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 * Gustavo: STOP... BEING... ORANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Big Time Video

 * Carlos: (after he tells the Jennifers that they're in the music video, he looks at the other three boys and tries to hypnotize them with his watch) You are not mad at me. You are not mad at me...
 * Logan: Yes we are! (Jo is passing by with a suitcase and looks upset)
 * Kendall: No! Oh, no no no no no no no. (he runs up to her)
 * Jo: Kendall, I need your help.
 * Kendall: You can be in our video!
 * Jo: Really?
 * Kendall: Yep.
 * Jo: I was just going to see if you could fix this squeaky wheel, but...thanks. [she kisses him on the cheek, but the others look at him displeased]
 * Kendall: Okay, so I panicked!

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 * Gustavo: Boys...as you start to get famous, people will start to ask you for favors. Like a fashion photographer, that wants to direct a ROCK video, even though he has no experience.
 * Marcos: So Marcos get the job?!
 * Gustavo: No. (Marcos looks upset) You see what I did there? Even when Marcos starts crying (which he does), I still say...A NO. (Marcos continues crying) Now, go tell your friend that she's NOT IN THE VIDEO!!!
 * Carlos: (trying to hypnotize Gustavo with his watch) She WILL be in the video...she WILL be in the video...
 * Gustavo: Get OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT! (Carlos backs up)

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 * Director: Big Time Rush...all alone. Nobody else! On the tallest building...in the sanseis.
 * Carlos: I'm afraid of heights.
 * Logan: I hate tall buildings.
 * Kendall: Nosebleed!
 * James: I get nauseous when I stand up! (he stands up, then faints)
 * Gustavo: NEXT!
 * (scene cuts to having another director, this one being a female)
 * Director: They're in a magical underwater city...without girls.
 * Logan: Can't swim.
 * Kendall: Me neither.
 * Carlos: I'm afraid of sharks! (hides)
 * James: I get nauseous just drinking water! (drinks some out of a cup and faints)
 * Gustavo: NEXT!

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 * Carlos: We are so dead.
 * James: Yep.
 * Kendall: Which is WHY we need to find a crazy, creative Hollywood director who will put Camille, the Jennifers, AND Jo in the video.
 * Logan: Oh, YEAH, like it's just gonna walk RIGHT through the front door. (BUDAH BOB enters with a plunger)
 * BUDAH BOB''': Hey, fellas...I, uh, heard you got a nasty clog.
 * James: That could work too...

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 * Kelly: So do you want me to line up more directors or not?
 * Marcos: (enters the room) So the pretty pretty car goes into the...
 * Gustavo: NOOOOOOOO...
 * Marcos: MARCOS CAN DO THIS! (he leaves. Gustavo turns to Kelly)
 * Gustavo: All directors are idiots. That's why i'm gonna direct the music video myself.
 * Kelly: ...Because you're an idiot.
 * Gustavo: No...because my video is going to be...AWESOME.

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 * Camille: So..you put on this entire charade to trick all of us and our parents into thinking we had acting jobs?!
 * Logan: Uh, yeah?
 * Camille: (she slaps Logan, but then looks at him happier) ...That is so sweet!
 * Logan: Then why did you just slap me right there?!
 * Camille: 'Cause it seemed like the thing to do.

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 * Gustavo: ALRIGHT! Are you ready to make the best music video of ALL TIME? EVAH???
 * Kendall: Oh, Gustavo...Kelly said she wanted to see you outside.
 * Gustavo: Fine! But DO NOT MOVE! (he goes outside and finds Kelly) Hey! Boys said you needed to see me?
 * Kelly: No? (she gasps. They both go back inside to see there is nothing in the room except the green screen)
 * Gustavo: I hate those dogs...

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 * Camille: Wait...you only have a learner's permit.
 * Jo: Yeah, don't you need an adult in the car?
 * Bitters: (thumping on the trunk of the car) LET ME OUT OF HERE!
 * Kendall, Carlos, James and Logan: WE'RE GOOD!

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 * Gustavo: [claps slowly] We came here to CHEW YOU GUYS OUT!!! But... (Kelly thumps him) Great video.
 * Kelly: (thumps him again) AND?!?!
 * Gustavo: Great director...
 * Marcos: OH! MARCOS LOVES YOU! (jumps into Gustavo's arms and kisses him)

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 * [while the boys are driving their new car, and Bitters is locked in the trunk]
 * Bitters: Guys? How much longer do I have to be in here?!
 * Kendall, Carlos, James and Logan: TWO MORE MONTHS!!!!!

Big Time Concert

 * Gustavo: ...Should I remind them that preparing for a concert will be the hardest thing they've ever done? And that it's not in Times Square?
 * Kelly: Oh, let them have their fantasy. They look so happy!
 * Gustavo: FINE...i'll give them another minute. Then I'll burst their bubble!

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 * Kendall: I'm not good at goodbyes.
 * Jo: Well, then. Here's something to remember me by. (grabs Kendall by the shirt and kisses him on the lips)
 * Camille: Wow...she's really good at goodbyes.
 * Kendall: I never thought that...our first kiss would be our last.
 * Logan: Do I get something to remember you by?
 * Camille: Of course. (leans in for a kiss, but then slaps him to the floor. Kendall and Jo look at her, and she shrugs)

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 * Hawk: Give me the rundown.
 * Rebecca: (pointing at a picture of the boys) Logan Mitchell. The smart one. Which means he'll ask questions. (points at Kendall) Kendall Knight. The complete package, but strong headed, hard to control. (points at Carlos) Carlos Garcia. High energy, a good dancer, but wears a helmet for no apparent reason. (points at James) James Diamond. Extra pretty, solid voice, driven beyond belief.

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 * Gustavo and Kelly: WHAT?!
 * The boys: WHAT?!
 * The audience: WHAT?!
 * Camille and Jo: WHAT?!
 * Katie: WHAT?!
 * Griffin: WHAT?! ...I mean, yeah. The Big Time Rush...is dead!

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 * Kelly: Okay, guys! Time to find new James!
 * Gustavo: Let's do it!
 * [BTR cheers; first auditionee enters]
 * Bad singing teen: (singing, off-key) Maaaaake it couuuuunt! Plaaaaayyyyyy it straiiiiight! Don't look dowwwwwwn...
 * Gustavo: NEEEEXT!
 * Break dancer: When you go big time! (break dances)
 * Gustavo: NEEEEXT!!
 * Mexican guitarist: Ey, ey, listen to your heart now...
 * The boys: AYE, CARAMBA!
 * Gustavo: NEEEEXT!!!
 * Male monk: Oh, oh, oh-oh, ohhhhhh...
 * Gustavo: NEEEEXT!!!!
 * Male nerd: Oh, oh, oh-oh...
 * Black rapper: OH!
 * Male goth: Whoa, oh...
 * Male country singer: Oh-oh...
 * Male opera singer: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
 * Gustavo: (glasses break) ...Kelly, is there anybody else left in the hallway?
 * Kelly: (sighs) Just some boy named Skippy Hickenlooper.
 * Gustavo: Okay, alright.
 * [They cower as Skippy enters]
 * Skippy: (singing flawlessly) If you want it all, lay it on the line/It's the only life you've got, so you gotta live it big time!
 * (The boys cheer)
 * Gustavo: Welcome to Big Time Rush!
 * The boys: (cheering)
 * Skippy: I'm so excited! ...I must now tell my dark overlord, Zorblock. Lord Zorblok, The time of prophecy is upon us!
 * [Skippy starts making noises as he messes up the test stage]
 * Kendall: Maybe we can't replace James.
 * Gustavo: 'Kay, Big Time Rush is now a trio.

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 * Kendall: Don't worry. We'll figure this out. Have we ever let you down?
 * Gustavo: (laughs) Have they ever let me down... (Mrs. Knight and Katie shake their heads, then Kelly does) ...That's not the point. The point is, James...is NOT COMING BACK. Now, I don't care...WHAT you sing. But LOOK LIKE you're enjoying it, or I will destroy... ALL OF YOU!!!!! (brief moment of silence)
 * Kendall: (singing) Oh you're such a turd, oh yeah, a giant turd...
 * Kendall, Carlos and Logan: And you look like a turd, and you smell like a turd! Oh, you're such a turd...
 * Kelly: Well, they do seem to be enjoying it.
 * James: And you sme-ee-e-ee-ell... like a tu-ah-uh-urrrrrrd! (the other boys cheer and walk up to him)
 * Katie: I'm gonna be rich! ...I mean, hurray for friendship!

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 * Ted Garcia: Ted Garcia here with the story of a local girl who claims to have been abducted by aliens. Tell us what happened!
 * Camille: They put a circuit in my brain, and they told me...TO GO SEE BIG TIME RUSH TOMORROW AT THE MUSIC BOX!!!!!!!

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 * James: (as he is tied up, to Hawk) Um...are you gonna kill us?
 * Hawk: No; don't be stupid. (The boys sigh in relief)

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 * Hawk: When you mess with the Hawk, you get all ten talons!
 * Logan: Hawks actually only have, uh, eight talons.
 * Hawk: I don't care!
 * Logan: Okay, just telling you.

<hr width=50%/>


 * James: HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPP!!!!!
 * Carlos: Don't worry, best friends of mine! This looks like a job for... (starts to hop his chair)
 * Kendall: Carlos, not now!
 * Carlos: Yes, now! 'Cause it's time!
 * Kendall: Carlos!
 * Carlos: I can do this!
 * Logan: (sees the stairs sign) Carlos, you don't understand.
 * Carlos: No, YOU don't understand!
 * Kendall: Carlos, we're trying to help you!
 * Carlos: I'm trying to help YOU!
 * James: You're not looking where you're hopping!
 * Carlos: I can do this! IT'S TIME FOR... (tips himself in his chair down the stairs. The other three watch in disgust as noises are made)
 * Logan: Well...we tried to tell him. (Carlos comes back with his chair broken and the rope undone)
 * James: Ha! You really are a superhero!
 * Carlos: No...i'm a POP STAR. Who wants to rock that concert, get our album released, and get chased by lots of girls.
 * Kendall: Then UNTIE US! (Carlos runs to the other three)

<hr width=50%/>


 * Kelly: Don't panic. Bands go on late all the time! It's a rock and roll tradition!
 * Gustavo: Right! We'll just stall them, and leave the curtain DOWN.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Griffin: A pre-record deal, a worldwide tour, and immediate release of their album.
 * Gustavo: My mansion back, my studio fully restocked, and the dogs want something called, uh, "Sebastian".
 * Griffin: Done.
 * Kelly: AND, I want you to go straight back to that studio, and write a hundred times, "I WILL NEVER DO THIS TO BIG TIME RUSH AGAIN"! (Griffin flees, and Kelly and Gustavo knuckle clash)

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 * Jo: (jealously while watching the boys get chased off stage) Oh, we've got some serious competition.
 * Camille: We can take 'em! MOVE!

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 * (while in concert training)
 * Logan: What if we have an itch?
 * Gustavo: DON'T!
 * Logan: (frightened) Uh, okay.

Welcome Back, Big Time

 * Jo: Do you want to come, to make sure that nothing's going on?
 * Kendall: No. I trust you. (she walks away) ...I trust her...right?
 * Mr. Bitters: I wouldn't, 'cause that guy is wayyyyy better looking than you.

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 * Kelly: Whoa, whoa. Nobody informed me of this.
 * Ms. Collins: Yes, I did. (intense music plays) I sent all the information, e-mailed all the assignments, and was told everything was being taken care of.
 * Kelly: Really. By who? (scene cuts to the studio where she is looking at Gustavo) ARE YOU NUTS?!?!
 * Gustavo: I didn't tell the boys about school because I needed them to focus on the tour. And I didn't tell you because you would just yell at me. Like you did just there!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Gustavo: 900 years ago, the pilgrims came to this great land of ours in search of freedom. The freedom...TO ROCK!
 * Logan: The pilgrims came seeking religious freedom.
 * Gustavo: THESE ARE DIFFERENT PILGRIMS! And today, we celebrate the bravery of those headbanging pioneers for one month! ROCKTOBER. Now...are you gonna sit there and GIVE UP? Or are you gonna grab a number two pencil, STRAP ON YOUR THINKING CAP, and SAVE Rocktober?!
 * Logan: (stands up as superhero music plays) I'll need report covers, a glue stick, a protractor, green glitter number three, and 19 high energy sports drinks.
 * Gustavo and Kelly: YES!

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 * Mrs. Knight: (while Kendall is thinking back) Trust is number one.
 * Katie: Nobody is that good an actress.
 * Bitters: That guy is way better looking than you
 * Kendall: (runs into all three of them) What are you guys doing here?
 * Bitters: I...work here.
 * Mrs. Knight: I'm heading to the gym.
 * Katie: Moral support.
 * Kendall: Who was it?

Big Time Fans

 * James: Well, I was told not to give fans advice...but I like your style.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Carlos: She's gonna kill us!
 * Logan: Not if we kill her first!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Carlos: Is the bad stuff over?
 * James: PS: "We promise we'll help you!"
 * Kendall: What did we tell you about making promises you can't keep?!

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 * Katie: I'm just saying you're 30% ignorant, 30% arrogant, and 40% idiot. So be careful of fans. (walks away)
 * James: ...She so has a giant crush on me.

Big Time Girlfriends

 * [at the beginning of the episode]
 * Camille: We mustn't! You're a hair model prince who's spying on my country. And I'm... a robot!
 * James: If it's so wrong, why were you programmed to love?
 * Camille: But what about the bomb? [clock ticking and James threw the bomb] Then the explosion throws us into each other's arms. Boom! Then we, uh... [they throw away the script and kiss twice, second time longer]
 * Both: [scream]
 * Camille: What was that?
 * James: It was the script!
 * Camille: Not that second one!
 * Both: THEN WHY DID YOU KISS ME?! NO, YOU KISSED ME! OHHHHHHHH! YOU-
 * Logan: Hey, guys.
 * James and Camille: [scream]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Kelly: That girl you hired breaks sweet Carlos's heart, I'll break EVERY ONE of your music awards.
 * Gustavo: Wouldn't DARE! (Kelly uses a baseball bat and swings at one of Gustavo's awards)

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Camille: So are you mad about what James told you?
 * Logan: We're cool. I mean, I was a little upset at first, but he was honest with me.
 * Camille: You were only a little upset?
 * Logan: Hey, if he wants to put his mouth on something worn out and gross, that's his problem.
 * Camille: Excuse me?!
 * Logan: Pfft. I was about to dump it anyway.
 * Camille: Oh? Well, if you were going to dump me anyway, maybe I'm glad James and I kissed!
 * Logan: You and James kissed?!?
 * James: Look on the bright side, now you don't need a new toothbrush. (Logan is about to punch him)
 * Bitters: Ooooooh, this is getting good.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [after Logan finds out that James and Camille kissed, Logan storms off]
 * James: Logan, hey come back man, let's talk! [runs after him]
 * Bitters: Boo! What a rip-off.
 * Katie: No, this is better. See, the rejected male storms off while the backstabbing friend fears for the future of their friendship.
 * Bitters: Hmm. What about Logan and Camille?
 * Katie: Oh, they are toast!
 * Camille: Hello! I'm standing right here.

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 * Gustavo: It's simple! Just... DON'T BREAK UP WITH HIM!
 * Sasha: But I just can't keep pretending to be his dream girlfriend for the rest of my life!
 * Gustavo: WHY NOT?!?!

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 * Sasha: [crying]
 * Carlos: What's wrong!?
 * Sasha: [through sobbing] I don't know! I just cry all the time and for no reason!
 * Carlos: That's how I know you care.

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 * Camille: You forgive me, but you're breaking up with me?
 * Logan: Camille, 96% of all first romances end in breakups. You kissing James give us the perfect opportunity for us to get ours, out of the way now.
 * Camille: And you're not sad about that?
 * Logan: Yes. But, I'm going to mask my pain by buzz-cutting my hair, joining the gym, and nicknaming myself, "The Island".
 * Camille: But can we be friends?
 * Logan: [stands up] Friends it is.
 * Camille: Maybe we could hug too? I mean friends hug, right?
 * Logan: It is the friendly thing to do. [they share a hug, they both lean in and kiss] Uh, yep. Friends it is.
 * Bitters: So, are they back together?
 * Katie: Hard to say. Must be one of those on-again, off-again things.

Big Time Live

 * Miles Bainbridge: And a musical performance by the greatest band in the history of the world, Big Time Rush. (Jane Kennedy spits her coffee out)
 * James: (enters the room with the boys) Be in the greatest band in the history of the world? Check.

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 * Gustavo: (panicked) Okay. The dogs...are clearly gonna get arrested. And not perform. So um, WHAT DO WE DO?!?
 * Kelly: We just have to ace the rest of Griffin's evaluation.
 * Griffin: D! (Gustavo and Kelly turn to him) You just failed my secret test! (his assistant shows an iSlab with a "D" mark)
 * Gustavo: WHAT IS THE SECRET TEST?!?
 * Griffin: If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret.

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 * Miles: This just in: Big Time Rush... ROCKS!!!!!!! (AM LA's credits roll)
 * Griffin: Yes...Big Time Rush does rock.
 * Gustavo: Boom!
 * Game designers: What about us?
 * Griffin: How about I get you all virtual offices? (an employee tosses them two pairs of 3D glasses)
 * Game designers: SWEET!

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 * Carlos: (dressed as a cop with a mustache) We gotta cut three more minutes from the show to perform.
 * Kendall: (dressed as Abraham Lincoln) Then "Operation: We Love Ed Begley Jr But We Have To Cut His Segment Short to Perform" is underway.
 * Logan: (dressed as a pharoah) Okay, next time i'm in charge of operation naming! (gets slapped by James) Owwwwwwww...what'd you do that for?
 * James: (dresses as a fisherman) Number eleven: Slap a pharoah. Check.

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 * Katie: [in a Ed Bedgely Jr. golf cart] Just when I think I'm out, they pull me right back in! [drives away]

Big Time Halloween

 * James: [to Carlos and Logan in the crib] The new girl is mine. I am a hot vampire. I will bite you!
 * Logan: Hey, Teen Wolf. Wanna practice our dance moves for tonight?
 * Kendall: Can gotta shave my are and meet up with Jo.
 * James: Ok, but you're going to look like a really idiot when you can't do this.

Big Time Sneakers

 * Jo: I can explain!
 * James and Logan: (with their arms crossed) Okay, explain.
 * Kendall: Guys, I can handle this. (to Jo, with his arms crossed) ...Okay, explain!
 * Jo: I can't. They told me that photo was gonna be on a billboard.
 * Logan: (pointing to the magazine along with James) Does this look like a billboard?!
 * Kendall: GUYS!
 * Jo: I'm gonna see the network publicist right now, to get to the bottom of this.
 * James: Yeah, well Kendall's going with ya.
 * Kendall: Guys! I got this. (Turns to Jo) Kendall's going with ya.

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 * Kendall: Can I hit him now?
 * Jo: Yeah, go ahead.
 * Kendall: (starts to lunge for Jett, but is grabbed by security) Where did they come from?!

Big Time Pranks

 * Logan: Logan Mitchell is about to witness the rare once-every-three-years mating ritual of the California banana slug. (Logan plays music on a radio and suddenly, he sees a text from Kendall on his phone says "It's time") Gotta go. (Ran off. Cuts to James having a picnic date with some girl)
 * James' Picnic Date: And for dessert, I thought we could... (She and James are going to kiss, suddenly a text from Kendall appears on James' phone, stopping their moment)
 * James: Maybe next time. (Ran off as Logan follows him)
 * Logan: It's time. It's time, James! (Logan frantically steps over her picnic area, the girl became upset after that)

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 * Kelly: The guys are late, and they're not picking up their cell phones!
 * Gustavo: Oh, that's 'cause I gave them the day off for pranking.
 * Kelly: WHAT? We've got a ton of work to do!
 * Gustavo: Kelly...pranks are a rite of passage for the young male.
 * Kelly: Really! I can't wait to not hear any more of this story!
 * Gustavo: FINE. Now, PLEASE be USEFUL, and go get me some sugar...for my coffee! (he taps the lid of his cup. She gives an "ugh" look) A thank you. (Kelly walks over to the cupboard, puts her papers down and opens the door only to have lots of sugar packets falling on her. Gustavo watches in amusement as she falls to the floor) The sugar packet pile-on! A Gustavo Rocque classic. (she stands up and spits out the packets) You got PRANKED! (he points at her and she glares at him)

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 * Logan: AHH! Everything looks pink!
 * Dr. Hollywood: I'm a doctor! I can fix this! (takes eyedrops out of pocket and gives them to Logan)
 * Logan: Ahhhh, now everything looks blue!
 * Dr. Hollywood: Well, what color do you want?
 * Logan: Oh, I don't know, ALL OF THEM?!?!?!

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 * Gustavo: (laughs at Kelly mocking him) THAT IS THE WORST SONG...I HAVE EVER HEARD...IN MY LIFE! AH, HA HA HA- (Kelly punches him) Oof!
 * Kelly: And you can't punch back, because I'm a girl!
 * Gustavo: (stands up) No you're not...you're Gustavo.
 * Kelly: Right...AHHHH! Justin Bieber! (points forward)
 * Gustavo: Hm?!? (he, Griffin and the secretary look behind eachother. Kelly runs, and Gustavo turns to see Kelly gone. He holds his fist up) ...Bieber!

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 * (When the boys are about to be hit by lots of pies)
 * Gustavo: DOGS! I am Kelly today. Long story. So uh... studio! NOW!
 * Kendall, James and Carlos: HUMAN SHIELD! (they grab Gustavo and drag him around, making the girls pie him and not them)
 * James: Hey! Thanks for the day off for pranking, Gustavo.
 * Gustavo: (incoherently) I'm Kelly... (faints)

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 * Gustavo: Let's end it now, while it's even.
 * Kelly: Agreed. (they shake hands)
 * (ten minutes later, Kelly's hair is frazzled and in smoke, and Gustavo is on the couch wrapped up in duct tape)
 * Griffin: Here at our CMCBT GlobalNet Samuoid, we have a strict..."no pranking" policy. (Gustavo tries to talk, but his mouth is taped shut) I can't understand you, Gustavo, because your mouth is taped shut. (Gustavo mumbles again) Which is why I'm going to stay here, and help you stop your pranking ways.

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 * Griffin: Because you have no respect for each others' jobs, I'm recommending the "role reversal" method. The classy corporate exercise that teaches mutual respect.
 * Kelly: So all I have to do all day is write songs with the word "girl" in it and scream a lot?
 * Gustavo: Oh yeah, well I don't even know what she does!
 * Kelly: I do THIS! (slaps Gustavo in the head and the two have a slap fight)
 * Griffin: Mandatory! The role reversal is now...mandatory.
 * Gustavo: Fine. (takes a binder and talks like Kelly) "Oh, Gustavo! Griffin wants his demos now! And blah, bluh, blah bluh bluh-
 * Kelly: (takes Gustavo's sunglasses and puts them on, then imitates him) KELLY! Go get the DOGS! I've got WORK to do! UHAHHHHHHHHH! (the two make babbling noises at each other)
 * Griffin: See? Isn't this better?

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 * Guitar Dude: OH, HO! (starts playing, to the Jennifers) You got PRANKED, you got PRANKED, you got P-R-A-N-(scene cuts to the doctor's office where his guitar is through his head)
 * Doctor: I think I can solve this problem. (moves the tuner on the guitar and strums) Perfectly tuned.
 * Guitar Dude: Oh, ha ha! (walks out)

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 * Logan: When the guys return at noon, they'll seek refreshment. They'll see my free smoothies, but what they don't know is in each smoothie is a hidden balloon (puts one in a cup), filled with 120 pounds of pure nitrous oxide pressure. (pours the juice into the cup and laughs lightly) Then, they'll pick up the needle sharpened straw (cuts off the bottom of the straw with scissors), push the straw down into the smoothie then BOOM! The crown will be mine. (he moves the straw down into the smoothie, but the balloon explodes in his face) AHHHH! (Mrs. Knight arrived, as she sees Logan splattered himself with the smoothie)
 * Mrs. Knight: Is this about that stupid crown you guys made in middle school?
 * Logan: I can't see! I can't see! I can't see! I can't see!
 * Mrs. Knight: Come on. I'll take you to the doctor.

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 * Mr. Bitters: What's going on here? I want answers NOW.
 * Jett: I'm not telling you... I'm bound by Lord Prankerton's code of silence.
 * Mr. Bitters: I'll give you priority command of reservations and VIP parking.
 * Jett: It was all Kendall's fault! He's the Lord High King and he forced us all into a prank war! And they'll keep pranking until only one is left. (Bitters shoves him, making him set off a whoopee cushion. He stands up and takes it) ...You pranked me. I'm out!
 * Mr. Bitters: Nobody messes up my Palm Woods, and nobody messes with me. (takes off his glasses and puts on sunglasses)

Big Time Christmas

 * Woman in Front: Is this your first 5am super sale?
 * The Boys: Yes.
 * Woman Behind Them: Good luck.
 * The Boys: (confused)
 * Logan: "Good luck?" What does that mean?
 * (When the sale starts women are fighting the boys over for items.) 
 * Kendall: It's for my mom! (fighting over a sweater with another woman) 

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 * Jo: Baby's first birthday frame..
 * Kendall: No. (puts a ribbon on the frame) It's our first Christmas frame! Well it will be when you put a picture of us in it!

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 * Jennifer #1: Oh, what the heck.
 * Jennifers: It's Christmas! (they all kiss Carlos and leave)

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 * Katie: Tomorrow is Christmas, with toys and snow AND TOYS.
 * Mrs. Knight: Christmas is not about toys! It's about giving, and being with the people you love.
 * Kendall, Carlos, Logan and Katie: No, it's about toys.
 * James: (walks in having been attacked by many girls) Mistletoe... BAD!! (falls to the ground)

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 * Griffin: Now, since it's Christmas Eve, I'm off to the office to fire some people.

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 * Kelly: Actually, you wrote Yard Squirrel Christmas in five minutes and it's still your biggest selling single. (screen close-ups to show a platinum record) Ever.
 * (Flashback)
 * Yard Squirrel: It's a yard squirrel Christmas, and all we need is this!
 * Gustavo: YARRRRRRRRRRRD SQUIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRELS!!!!!!!!
 * (End flashback)
 * Gustavo: It was just a STUPID novelty song, with SPED-UP voices, and I HATED it!
 * Carlos: Hey! I loved that song.
 * The Boys: EVERYBODY loved that song.
 * Gustavo: I write the best pop songs IN THE WORLD and I will NOT be remembered for some STUPID SQUIRREL SONG!

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 * Gustavo: ...Get me blank music sheets, 13 candy canes, and a cup of cocoa with marshmallows piled high. Because we're about to pull off a big time Christmas miracle! (the others cheer)

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 * Kelly: Okay, I just pushed our flights back four hours.
 * The Boys: (all talking on phones)
 * Gustavo: And how are we doing on our celebrity search?
 * Kendall: (hangs up) I just got off the phone with Lady Gaga's people.
 * Gustavo: Ooh! What did she say?
 * Kendall: "Who's Big Time Rush?"
 * Gustavo: What about Jordin Sparks?
 * Logan: Out of town for the holidays. Just like every other celebrity we could sing with.
 * Gustavo: (grunts angrily)
 * Carlos: On the bright side, astronaut Buzz Aldrin is very interested. (Everyone looks at him.) Second man to walk on the moon!
 * James: There's got to be some celebrity that's still in town! (slams his fist on the remote and TV changes channels)
 * Miranda: (on the TV) So join me, Miranda Cosgrove, from my Have Yourself a Miranda Little Christmas Special live from Los Angeles. (Everyone starts looking at the TV) With duets with your all of your favorite stars like international superstar Fabio, Lightning the T.V. Wonder Dog and-
 * James: (pauses the t.v. and the boys go to the TV)
 * The Boys: Big Time Rush!
 * Gustavo: How?
 * Carlos: It'll be another Christmas miracle.

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 * Carlos: I think he's choking.
 * Security Guard: (falls to the ground)
 * Gustavo: It's another Christmas miracle!
 * (Everyone starts running into the studio but stop and turn to the security guard and feel guilty.)
 * Logan: Okay, we might be horrible people.
 * (Everyone goes back to the security guard.)
 * Kelly: Get him up! Get him up!
 * (James, Carlos and Logan help the security guard up and Kelly does to Heimlich Maneuver. The security guard spits out the food on Gustavo.)
 * Gustavo: (disgusted) Oh! That was gross!
 * Security Guard: Thanks. Who are you guys?
 * Kendall: We're Big Time Rush and we just want to get home for the holidays.
 * ''(Everyone begs the security officer to let them through.)
 * Security Guard: Well, merry Christmas. (drops his clipboard and bends down)
 * Everyone: (confused)
 * Security Guard: I dropped my clipboard and distracted and can't see you!
 * Everyone: (gets it and thanks the security guard and runs inside the studio)

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 * (after the boys are caught by Miranda and her manager)
 * Manager: You're all going to jail for Christmas!
 * Kendall: Oh no! Don't call the police! We're allergic to police.
 * Logan: We weren't Fabio-napping, we were just hiding him so we could sing with Miranda...sorry, Fabio.
 * Carlos: Look, if we don't record three Christmas songs by today, our grinchy CEO won't let us go home for Christmas!
 * James: We're Big Time Rush! We're a band!
 * Miranda: (turns to her manager) ...They're really cute.
 * Manager: They locked Fabio in a costume bin!
 * Miranda: Yeah, but...they're really cute.
 * Manager: My daughter does love their album.
 * Fabio: And they did give me some tasty snacks and a movie to watch for me. And by the way, I'm a horrible singer.
 * Miranda: He's right. He's a horrible singer.
 * Carlos: And we can sing.
 * Kendall: (harmonizing) Sing...
 * James: (harmonizing) Sing...
 * Logan: (harmonizing) Sing!
 * Kendall: So, how are we doing?
 * Miranda: Honestly? It could go either way.
 * (scene cuts to Kelly and Gustavo hiding in front of the studio sound board.)
 * Kelly: Okay, the producers should be freaking out looking for a replacement for Fabio.
 * Gustavo: Which means either a Christmas miracle happened and the dogs are in wardrobe, or they got caught AND WE'RE GOING TO JAIL FOR CHRISTMAS!!!

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 * The Boys: (come in and greet Miranda)
 * Kelly: Press record! Press record!
 * Gustavo: Fiji here I come! (presses record) 
 * Miranda: Do you guys want to sing a song with me?
 * The Boys: Yeah sure.

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 * Gustavo: (turns around) AHHHHHH! (gets hit by a limo)
 * The Boys and Kelly: (shocked and sees the limo stop and the window opens)
 * Snoop Dogg: Please don't tell me I just ran over a reindeer.
 * The Boys and Kelly: SNOOP DOGG?!
 * Carlos: It's a Christmas miracle!

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 * (Snoop and the boys records their version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas")
 * Big Time Rush: ''On the twelfth day of Christmas, Snoop gave to me:
 * Kendall: 12 ringside tickets...
 * Logan: 11 books on physics...
 * Carlos: 10 juicy corndogs...
 * James: 9 lucky combs...
 * Kendall: 8 wooly beanies...
 * Logan: 7 sweater vests...
 * Carlos: 6 hockey helmets...
 * Snoop Dogg: 5 municipal bonds with a compound interest rate 3% acruity monthly.
 * (The song stops as the boys look at Snoop confused.)
 * Snoop Dogg: What? You gotta make your money worth you.
 * (The boys understand and the song resumes.)
 * Big Time Rush: 4 comfy PJs...
 * Snoop Dogg: 3 canned hams, 2 fractured femurs...
 * (Gustavo, Kelly, Griffin are listening to the song.)
 * Big Time Rush: And a song for the Christmas EP.
 * Big Time Rush and Snoop Dogg: And a song for the Christmas EP.

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 * Gustavo: And that makes 3 BTR Christmas songs. Fiji, here we come!
 * Griffin: Except...Justin Bieber just released 50 Days of Christmas with 50 Cent. It's over eight hours long, and it's a masterpiece!

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 * The Boys: WHAT?!
 * Gustavo: WHAT?!
 * Kelly: WHAT?!
 * Snoop Dogg: WHAT?! Yeah, I gotta be there in fifteen minutes.

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 * Kendall: (in a squirrel voice) Come on Gustavo! It's Christmas!
 * Carlos: (in a squirrel voice You can wear your PJs!
 * James: (in a squirrel voice) Do it for Fiji wiji!
 * Logan: (in a squirrel voice) You can do it Gustavo!
 * Snoop Dogg: (turns off the squirrel voice) And I need to get to my grandma's house.

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 * (The third song is finished)
 * Griffin: Well...Grandma may not like it, but I...love it! (the others cheer. Kelly hands him a disk which he then hands to his executive) Upload this immediately so kids can enjoy a big time Christmas all around the world. And I...will enjoy big time profits.
 * Snoop Dogg: I had fun, boys, but I GOT to get to my Grandmama's!
 * The boys: And we gotta get to Minnesota!
 * Kelly: Well you can all make your flights if you leave RIGHT NOW.
 * Gustavo: (holds up suitcases) HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!
 * Logan: RUN!
 * Kendall: RUN!
 * Snoop Dogg: RUN!
 * James: RUN!
 * Carlos: RUN!
 * All: RUN!!

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 * The Boys, Katie, & Ms. Knight: Merry Christmas Mr. Bitters!
 * Mr Bitters: What is all this?
 * Katie: It's Christmas, with friends.
 * Mr. Bitters: I don't know what to say.
 * Ms. Knight: Say "Merry Christmas."
 * Mr. Bitters: (with emotion) MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Big Time Guru

 * [at the beginning of the episode]
 * Gustavo: Dogs. You've come a long way, but you have a longer way to go...before you go multi-platinum, and start selling out 50,000 seat stadiums. [to James] James is still too self centered, and only cares about himself.
 * James: James and I still disagree. [looks in a mirror]
 * Gustavo: QUIET, you two! [goes to Carlos] Carlos still lacks direction.
 * Carlos: [turning away from Gustavo] I do not!
 * Gustavo: Turn around.
 * Carlos: [spins around and still not facing Gustavo]
 * Gustavo: [goes to Logan] Logan still lacks swagger.
 * Logan: Yes but if you ever need a color pencil, who are you gonna call? [gives Gustavo a color pencil]
 * Gustavo: [breaks the color pencil]
 * Logan: [screams]
 * Gustavo: [goes to Kendall] And Kendall needs to stop talking back to me after everything I say.
 * Kendall: And Gustavo needs to tak-
 * Gustavo: Don't say it! Not one...more...word.
 * Kendall: [turns to Logan, Carlos and James who are shaking their heads]
 * Gustavo: Good.
 * Kendall: Chill pill.
 * Gustavo: [his face turns tense and becomes angry]
 * Kelly: [puts on earphones]
 * Gustavo: [steam comes out of his ears]
 * James and Carlos: Steam.
 * Logan: That's a new one.
 * Kendall: Run.

[The boys start running and Gustavo begins to chase them.]


 * In the studio: [Kendall and Kelly are staring with their mouths open in shock while listening to Gustavo's song.]
 * Gustavo: [singing with Buddha Bob] There's a rainbow made of love, floating in﻿ the new day sky, candy castle up above, this must be New Town High!
 * Kendall: [looks at Kelly, shakes his head in disbelief and slaps himself]
 * Kelly: [presses a button, fake smiling and gives a thumbs up to Gustavo] The producer is coming over tomorrow and he's going to HATE THIS SONG!
 * Kendall: [fakes smiling and gives Gustavo a thumbs up also] I know.


 * James: [wearing a lab coat and glasses] If Logan is going to steal my swagger then I'll steal his smart brain....stuff things. [starts writing a really long equation]
 * Camille:﻿ Well?
 * James: Yeah, here's the problem: I'm not bright.
 * Camille: Then what's all that?
 * James: I think it's a recipe for toast.
 * Logan: [dancing past James and Camille with other kids]
 * James: [becomes depressed again and somehow ends up changing clothes]
 * Camille: [looks at James and becomes shocked]
 * James: WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?! [falls to the ground]


 * James : [weakly] As you grow stronger, I grow weaker.


 * Logan: [puts on the sunglasses]
 * James: Feeling woozy. [falls on the floor]
 * Logan: [takes off the glasses] Okay! No shades.
 * James: [stands back up]
 * Carols and Kendall: [raises Logan's arm the one holding the glasses so he can put it on smirking]
 * James: [falls on the floor] STOP THAT!

Big Time Crush
Carlos: [to Kendall's pick of date at the theatre] Hey, no hard feelings, Megan?

Kendall: [whispers] This is Candy! James: Katie is very important to me. she's like my sister!'

Big Time Beach Party
[While the boys are fantasizing]
 * Griffin: How long do they do this?
 * Kelly: It's hard to say.
 * Gustavo: They once did it for three hours.


 * Guitar Dude: Today is Ukulele Dude. [strums the ukulele]


 * James: All aboard the Malibu Beach Party Party Bus!
 * Logan: You said "party" twice.
 * James: ...You bet I did.


 * Logan: She's got sunblock!


 * James: Hello, tasty waves. I'm James Diamond. I'll be riding you today.


 * James: Mrs. Knight, lovely to see you. And uh, DANCE PARTY! [turns on the music]


 * James: Oh no, a mermaid's kiss! (falls on the sand and starts rolling) The transformation is upon me!

Big Time Songwriters

 * James: Aren't they the ones who fight a lot?
 * Songwriter 1: The song's called "Wings of a Dove"! [kicks Songwriter 2]
 * Songwriter 2: No, it's called "Love From Above" [punches Songwriter 1]
 * Songwriter 1: It needs more guitar!! [whacks the other songwriter with the acoustic guitar]
 * Songwriter 2: You need your morning coffee!!!
 * Everyone: OH!!


 * Kendall: Could you stop that please?
 * Carlos: [turns to him] What, breathing?
 * Kendall: Just for a few minutes..
 * Carlos: [takes a deep breath in and holds it for a few seconds] Say anything you want, I turn the music up, 'cause baby we ain't going oh oh oh oh!
 * Kendall: THAT'S IT!!!! [Excited]

Big Time Reality

 * Kendall: I'm not crazy about doing reality show right now because, technically, I'm IN MY UNDERWEAR!

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 * James: I like singing, I like pie. That's about it.

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 * Kendall: Yeah, I was taking a swim, my pants fell down, and the camera got a shot of THAT. *points at butt*

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 * Kendall: And thank you Katie for saving my butt.
 * Katie: Literally.

Big Time Girl Group

 * Gustavo: But the dogs have always stuck with me and I have to do the same with them. No matter how STUPID THEY ARE!


 * Kat: And what about our poster?
 * Gustavo: What about your poster?

(Boys in the Attic is vandalizing the Kat's crew poster)
 * Boy#1 from BIA: Kick it! (BIA dances)
 * Big Time Rush: They're making a comeback.
 * Gustavo: I've heard.


 * Kat: You're not gonna stop being stupid, are you?
 * Kendall: (takes a folder) You've seen the research, haven't you?


 * Logan: Check it! (raps) Don't wanna get nasty, but this is how it rocks. This is Big Time Rush's house, not a kitty litter box. You got posters on the wall, but it ain't no thing. Cause we're gonna rock this out...(sounding uncertain) and put posters on the wall... Eventually... Chicka chicka, WHAT?!


 * James: OH they're sassy, we're not good with sassy.
 * Kendall: OH! WE ARE VERY GOOD WITH SASSY!!


 * Kat's Crew: You can't hit us !


 * Gustavo: Dogs, I'm glad you're here. Sit down.
 * James: (whispers) This is not look good.
 * Gustavo: I have something I have to say to all of you. I love both bands at this table but I will not go through what I went through back into 90's. now, Kat's Crew is extremely talented and dance and sing amazingly. But, the dogs have always stuck by me. And I have to do the same and stick with them. no matter how stupid they are.
 * Big Time Rush: Yes! (Big Time Rush wins and Kat's Crew loses)
 * Kelly: You girls are great and somebody is going to make you stars. Just not here on Rocque Records.
 * Kat: Come on, crew. Let's roll. (Kat's Crew leaves)

Green Time Rush

 * James: HOW COULD WE LOSE A COW?!
 * Carlos: I DON'T KNOW!


 * Carlos and James: (inside an elevator) 4th floor. You did not see a cow. YOU DID NOT SEE A COW!

(inside an airplane)
 * Jett: You know when you think about it the whole thing was my idea. So why shoul I talk to the governor ans stand behind me from the photo laws. (A kid kicks Kendall's seat while playing video game) You, know, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
 * Kendall: Help!

Big Time Moms

 * Kelly: Kiss your mother, Hortense!


 * Kendall: Hey, Mrs. Diamond. Me, Carlos and Hortense are here to see James.
 * Brooke: I don't like the name Hortense. Call him Logan from now on.
 * Logan: She was right about my name.


 * Brooke: Snowboarding lessons are too dangerous. You will all take ballet lessons instead.
 * Boys: Alright.
 * Carlos: I'll learn how to pirouette.


 * Gustavo: Just tell her no.
 * Boys: (shocked)
 * James: You don't tell my mom no.
 * Logan: You just don't do it.

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 * Mrs. Knight: I'm sorry guys.
 * The guys:  (inside the bouncy house) Help us!
 * Mrs. Knight: I can't go up against Brooke, she scares me! But James can.
 * James: No James can't.


 * Mrs. Diamond: That's the best mother's day gift I ever got!!(crying)
 * James: So you'll let me stay?
 * Mrs. Diamond: No.
 * Kelly: But you're crying!
 * Mrs. Diamond: Oh, I put cosmetics eye cream on this morning! The burning means it's working!

Big Time Break Up
(Jo and the others wait for a call from Jo's agent to see if she got the part for the movie)
 * Carlos: It'd be AWFUL if they didn't hire you.
 * Others: Carlos. (Jo looks worried)
 * Carlos: I mean, you get this close to the role of a lifetime and NOT get it?
 * Others: CARLOS!

<hr width=50%> [Phone rings, Jo picks up]
 * Jo: Hello? ... Uh huh... I got the part? !(the boys shoot confetti) It's a three-movie deal?! (the boys shoot confetti) It's shooting in New Zealand for three years? (the boys shoot confetti, Kendall looks worried) They want me to leave this week? (Jo and Kendall look worried at each other)
 * Carlos: Aw, YESSS!

(Jo and Kendall look worried at each other again)
 * Carlos: Oh... (turns to Kendall)


 * Carlos: You go to New Zealand for three years and your relationship is (makes raspberry sound with his mouth)
 * Kendall and Jo: CARLOS!


 * Logan: He's gonna need us this week.
 * James: He's also going to need my list of girls who weren't hot enough for me but perfect for you.
 * Carlos: And hugs! [James, Logan and Carlos open their arms.]
 * Kendall: She might not be leaving.

Kendall: I'm the boy right?

Katie: Yep.

Kendall: Now put little miss Muppet back on her tuppet cause your causing a scene! FORK CHOP!!!


 * Kendall: This opportunity only comes ONCE in a lifetime.
 * Jo: Maybe you only come once in a lifetime...
 * Kendall: You are gonna be amazing.
 * Jo: I forget about you. (Kendall rubes Jo, but he likes Jo) it's time to do the movie?

Big Time Single

 * James: Not even a smile!
 * Logan: I really thought the puppet show would work.
 * Carlos: I liked it.
 * Logan: Thanks. At least somebody appreciates my ART!


 * James: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
 * Carlos: Another puppet show?

[Logan get up his puppets]
 * James: No...
 * Logan: Oh...

<hr width=50%>
 * Carlos: Let's get our hearts broken!!

<hr width=50%>
 * Kendall: Hey, guys, I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier-
 * [James and Carlos run to Kendall crying and Kendall confusingly comforts them]
 * Logan: See what you started?!<hr width="50%">
 * [Kendall and Logan are riding on skateboards.]
 * Kendall: Yeah! The boys are back!
 * Logan: This is how we roll!
 * [Kendall and Logan stop and watch James and Carlos still weeping while riding on their skateboards on their stomachs.]
 * Kendall: Yeah this is going to be harder than I thought.
 * Logan: Yep.

<hr width=50%>
 * Jennifer 2: Your plan was stupid.
 * James: You're stupid!
 * Jennifer 2: See, this is why I broke up with him!
 * James: Ah, you!

<hr width=50%>
 * Katie: [sadly] I'll never forget you leather jacket!

Big Time Wedding

 * James: Although, she is beautiful, and I would make an AMAZING prince.
 * Logan: Ok, Stop it, STOP IT NOW!

<hr width=50%>
 * James: HE LOCKED ME IN THE TOWER! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Big Time Rocker

 * [Logan and Camille are hiding from the police in a dumpster]
 * Logan: Okay, we need a plan. We can't live in a dumpster forever.
 * Camille: Hey! I worked really hard to make this dumpster nice.
 * [They open up the lid to reveal a small living room, inside the dumpster]
 * Logan: And it's very nice; but the Palmwoods is full with these cops!
 * Camille: How about we take the stolen money, buy passage to Peru, and start a new life raising alpacas?

<hr width=50%>


 * Kendall: (reading Lucy's album track titles) Cut it off and... *gasps*
 * Lucy: Yeah that last one shocks a lot of people

Big Time Strike

 * Kendall: Gustavo, we both know that I'm wearing a tie. [the boys all point at Kendall's tie] And we also know that Griffin wants a song from Big Time Rush, tomorrow.
 * James: And we're Big Time Rush. Which means, where's my hair salon!?


 * [While James and Logan are striking]
 * Logan: What do we want?!
 * James: An ice cream sundae bar, a personal hair salon, a petting zoo, brunch with Wayne Gretzky, a hot tub, a second hot tub- You know what, we need a shorter chant!

Logan: (Opens his mouth to respond, when he notices James' sign. Which says, "Hi, I'm James") Have you been holding that sign the whole time?
 * James:Uh, yeah.
 * Logan: What does that have to do with striking?
 * James: Uh, I'm striking.


 * Gustavo: I say, we try setting five.

(Cuts to 2J)
 * James: I don't like setting number five.
 * Logan: I cant believe Gustavo beat us when we held all the cards.
 * Carlos: AND NOW WE'RE NOT﻿ GONNA SING ON OUR SECOND ALBUM! (Breaks a table)
 * Kendall: Awww, NOW you get all muscle-y!
 * Carlos: You know I can't control it!

Big Time Contest

 * Verona: (pinching Logan's cheek) Look at him! He's like a boy man


 * Carlos: I'm gonna be right back. I'm gonna destroy someone.


 * James: My IQ has gone up 20 points. Go ahead, ask me anything.


 * Kelly: Ok. Who was the first-


 * James: Alexander Hamillton *raises eyebrow*

Big Time Superheroes

 * James: We won't be there; but he will.
 * (James spins around really quickly and changes into Bandana Man)
 * Kelly: How does he do that?
 * Kendall: We're not sure.
 * Logan: So Bandana Man is going to defeat Hawk and his hawkmen all by himself?
 * James: No. The Super Tastic Super Six will.
 * Carlos: Who's the Super Tastic Super Six?
 * James: I'm looking at them.
 * Gustavo: So you want us to disguise ourselves as superheroes, pull a surprise raid at Hawk Records, and take our hard drive back by force?
 * James: Does anybody have a better idea? [everybody raised their hands] I didn't think so.


 * Kelly: Okay. [throwing sink] This is everything we got in the studio. [tiredly]
 * Kendall: I can't believe we're doing this.
 * James: Supertastic Super Six, suit up!
 * Logan: You said "super" twice.
 * James: You bet I did.

Big Time Move

 * Kendall: Fine! Walk out on a lifetime of friendship because of one bad week.
 * Carlos: I smell speech!
 * Logan: *sniffs* I hate that smell.
 * James: I hate you!

-
 * Kendall: Who's place is this!?
 * James: Does it matter?
 * Kendall: It might!
 * James: Here's what matters, moving out of the crib and into here was my best move ever! I clap and things happen (James claps) (Music turns on)(Kendall looks weirdly around in questionable face) (Kendall grabs for candy and James slaps Kendall's hand out of the way) ANDDD i don't have to share my hard candies with anyone!(takes a candy and eats it awkwardly)
 * Kendall: ANDD you have no friends here.
 * James: Wrong again. (Takes senior alert thing out of his pocket and presses the blue button)
 * Senior Alert Guy: Senior Alert is everything ok?
 * James: Oh yeah everything is good today, How about you?
 * Senior Alert Guy: Oh uhhhhh I'm good, uhh thanks. (James presses blue button)
 * Kendall: ok... oK! I don't know why we're fighting so much. We've been friends forever, and we have a MAYBE world tour coming up so could you please just apologize to Carlos so he can apologize to Logan, AND DON'T SAY ONLY IF LOGAN APOLOGIZES TO YOU FIRST!

(James stares at Kendall)
 * Kendall: (walks backwards out of the apartment) I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY THAT!!! ughhhh.


 * Carlos: (pulls laptop out of pants) Here's your laptop back.
 * Logan: You know what, keep it.


 * Mrs. Knight: Are you guys fighting again, 'cause if you are, I swear I'll take that game away from you!
 * Kendall: You know what, take it, just take it.

Backstage Rush

 * Gustavo: Yeah. That's the Fresh-Beat-Look!
 * Kendall: UNBELIEVABLE!


 * Logan: QUIET! Okay?!


 * Kendall: Yeaaah. We can beat NSYNC's record.
 * James: Yes, but not by reading word pages.
 * Logan: They're called books, James, and they are the answers to everything.

Big Time Returns

 * Kendall: Lucy is the love of your life?
 * James: Well, she's smart and hot, so yeah!


 * Katie: But if you knock on her door, isn't that you making the first move?
 * Logan: Don't question love science!


 * Logan: Probably just gonna tackle some chores around the crib, maybe play some tackle football, and then after that maybe do some fishing...with a tackle box! Well, I'll see you guys later. Tackle.


 * Logan: Why are you telling Camille to avoid me, huh? I want some answers, NOW!
 * Buddha Bob: Well, clearly you have commitment issues and you'll never be a steady boyfriend until you conquer your insecurities and your fear of rejection.
 * Logan: Not those answers!


 * James: So you don't wanna go out with Kendall either?
 * Lucy: Let's just say, KENDALL IS UNDIBSED!


 * James: Well, glad there's no more confusion.
 * [Lucy winks at Kendall.]
 * Kendall: (to James) Is it dusty out here?
 * James: (confused) No.
 * [Kendall looks at Lucy and Lucy smiles.]


 * Carlos: And Gustavo and Griffin are gonna kill me if I don't pick their favorite song to play for JoJo on the radio.
 * Kendall: That's simple, just pick the song you wanna play.
 * Carlos: Oh yeah, I would love to, but question: How does that gonna solve the kill-me part?!

Kendall and James (pulling out hockey sticks): We bring hockey sticks!

Big Time Double Date

 * Camille: Maybe you should date science then!

--
 * Carlos: So I guess she is going to date someone else.

---


 * James: Dude, Camille just agreed to...
 * Logan: LALALALALALA.
 * Kendall: He is taking this well

--


 * Carlos: OHH! HIS WATCH IS GONNA BLOW!

--


 * Logan: Is this too weird?
 * Kendall: Completely.
 * Mrs. Knight: But impressive.


 * Kendall: OH MY GOD!
 * Lucy: Leave me alone.
 * Kendall: No way!


 * Lucy: And the guys are here?
 * Kendall: Just Logan and Carlos.
 * [James walks by.]
 * Kendall: And James, the mustached waiter.
 * James: Hey, who's the... (gasps).
 * Lucy: Say one word and you'll die.


 * Camille: You realize you're dating yourself, right?
 * Logan & Logan's Date: No, we're not. Wait. Ohhhh.


 * Camille: Does recent data show that opposites attract?
 * Logan: Don't know, don't care.
 * (They make out)


 * Lucy: Kendall, you saved my wig!
 * Kendall: Yeah.
 * Lucy': I'm not kissing you.
 * Kendall: I know that.


 * Logan: Why do you think we break up so much?
 * Camille: Probably because we like making up so much.
 * [The two kiss passionately as James covers Katie's eyes.]

Big Time Merchandise

 * Kendall: I'm Kendall. Be cool, everybody! [Carlos puts his head down in shame.]
 * Carlos: "Be cool"?! [imitating Kendall] "Hey, I'm Kendall. Be cool, everybody!"
 * Kendall: It's a lot better than "pew pew pew"!
 * Carlos: Are you kidding me?! Be cool is STUPID!
 * Kendall: Oh yeah, well you're stupid!
 * Carlos: No, YOU'RE stupid! [The boys yell insults at each other.]
 * Gustavo: SHUT IT, SHUT IT FOREVER!!!!! [he enters the booth and starts yelling with them until Kelly enters and shuts them up. They all leave the booth] ...Okay, let's try that again.


 * Mr. Bitters: Ah, here come our future karate champs. GO TEAM!! [giggling until the karate kids punch the sign] NO KARATE IN THE LOBBY!"

Big Time Dreams

 * Gustavo: Just Gustavo? Have you forgotten? I'm amazing. NOW DANCE!