Big Trouble

Big Trouble is a 2002 comedy thriller film about the slightly surreal misadventures of a handful of people, mostly strangers to each other, who are brought together through various connections to a mysterious metal suitcase, over two nights in Miami.
 * Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld. Written by Robert Ramsey and Matthew Stone, based on the novel by Dave Barry.

These people are in big trouble. taglines They have forty-five minutes to save the world. They need forty-six. taglines

Eliot Arnold

 * [v.o.] Arthur Herk: one of the few Floridians who was not confused when he voted for Pat Buchanan.
 * I say we blame this whole evening on rap music and too much violence on television.
 * [After his son has just called him a loser] Okay, now it's my turn. Up yours, you little shithead. Okay, your turn.
 * [v.o.] I had to outrun a plane and subdue two convicts with a nuclear [sic] weapon to earn Matt's respect. But it was worth it.
 * [v.o.] We all go along day after day when suddenly a bomb drops into our lives. Sometimes you can't get out of the way. Sometimes it's a new beginning.
 * [v.o.] What is it that brings two strangers together so that one soul inhabits two bodies? Sometimes it's profound. Sometimes it's Fritos.

Arthur Herk

 * Nina, this is my house, you work for me, and I want to suck your toes.
 * [to his boss] Morning, douchebag.
 * I need a missile.
 * Make her stop! God in heaven, make her stop! SHE WANTS MY SOUL!!!

Henry Desalvo

 * [Whilst pointing a gun at three thugs who walk towards him while he is speaking to his employer on the phone] Not right now, okay?
 * [Whilst watching the chaotic goings-on at Arthur Herk's house] Moron #2 just got Moron #1 all wet.
 * [Whilst watching the chaotic goings-on at Arthur Herk's house] There goes the warranty... and there goes the Iron Chef.
 * Was that a goat?!
 * [Trapped on a delayed plane with idiotic sports fans after a surreal day in Miami] I really feel like killing somebody.

Puggy

 * [Opening the movie] God said to Noah, "I am going to put an end to all people, for the Earth is filled with violence because of them. You are to bring into the Ark two of all living creatures to keep them alive with you." [eats a Frito] In other words, life is hard, so you'd better find someone who'll be your partner. Eliot Arnold's story is a lot like Noah's, except Eliot's story takes place in Miami. [picks up another] You just can't beat these when they're really fresh. [eats it] Anyway, Eliot should probably tell you exactly what happened because I was locked in the trunk of a police car for part of it. My name is Puggy and I live in a tree... I hope I didn't ruin anything for you.

Others

 * Snake: [to Puggy] Next time I see you again, you're dead.
 * Matt Arnold: Uh, Jenny's mom opened the door, and I came running up to squirt her. And then, uh, Mrs. Herk jumped me... jumped on me. And, uh, and then I went down on Jenny... or I f- fell on Jenny.
 * Eddie: Let's get the hell outta here, Snake. I think I hear one of them silent alarms.
 * Snake: [to the Russians] If you assholes try to call the cops after we leave, the next bullet goes through your head.
 * Leonard: If we don't shoot someone soon, I'm gonna forget how.

Dialogue

 * Deeber: [points to his computer monitor] If you want to continue working at this newspaper, you will put something in here before you go home.
 * Eliot Arnold: Why don't I put something in there right now?
 * [He climbs onto Deeber's desk and kicks his shoe straight through the screen.]
 * Eliot Arnold: [v.o.] Deeber picked the wrong day to be a jerk. Earlier that day I found out my wife was having an affair with her tennis instructor.


 * Geo Salesman: Sweet little vehicle. Just get divorced? Ah, it doesn't matter. Forty-two miles to the gallon, AM/FM radio. I'll even throw in the undercoating. Anything else you'd like to know?
 * Matt Arnold: Yeah. How many clowns can it hold?


 * [In the Jolly Jackal Russian's bar; Leo is holding a baseball bat]
 * Leo: Out!
 * Snake: [about Puggy] He broke my ankle!
 * Leo: I break your head!


 * John: You can stay.
 * Puggy: [about the muggers] They took all my money.
 * John: It's okay. Free beer.


 * [Leo has just beat Snake and Eddie with a baseball bat]
 * Puggy: Aluminum, huh?
 * Leo: We sponsor girl's softball team.


 * John: [to Puggy] You want to make five dollars?
 * [Puggy carries the heavy metal suitcase from the van into the bar's stockroom.]
 * John: Lay down gentle, so as not to fall. [Puggy does.] Strong... come back tomorrow one o'clock, maybe I have more job for you.
 * [Later that evening, Puggy is walking down a Miami street and pitches camp in a luxurious home's banyan tree.]
 * Eliot Arnold: [v.o.] After only one day in Miami, Puggy had a more rewarding career and lived in a better neighborhood than I did.


 * [Matt and Andrew are preparing to ambush their classmate, Jenny with a squirt gun, in her home.]
 * Andrew: So, what's the plan? Through the front?
 * Matt Arnold: [sarcastically] Yeah. "It's Matt Arnold. I'm here to kill your daughter, Jenny." No, we gotta go over the wall, dickweed. I just she doesn't see this stupid turdmobile.


 * Leonard: Look at this thing. He's the size of a Buick.
 * Henry Desalvo: She.
 * Leonard: She what?
 * Henry Desalvo: The mosquito is a she.
 * Leonard: How the hell can you tell that?
 * Henry Desalvo: Discovery Channel. Only the female mosquito sucks your blood.
 * Leonard: Sounds like my ex-wife. Bitch.


 * [preparing to ambush Jenny]
 * Matt: Here we go...
 * Andrew: I'll witness from here, in case her dad shoots us.
 * Matt: With what, the remote control?
 * Andrew: This is Miami, he has a gun.


 * Jenny Herk: Good thing you ran away, Arthur, you might have gotten wet.
 * Arthur Herk: Shut up!
 * Officer Monica Romero: Easy...
 * Arthur Herk: Don't tell me easy, this is my goddamn house!
 * Officer Monica Romero: And these are my handcuffs, and if you don't take it easy, you'll be wearing my handcuffs in your goddamn house.


 * Eliot Arnold: Look, I'm sorry that my kid squirted your daughter... I-I mean, I'm sorry that he got her wet... I mean... the way he described it, it was just supposed to be a game.
 * Anna Herk: Well, hey, kids.


 * [Henry is talking on a pay phone]
 * Henry Desalvo: There was another shooter.
 * William Spaulding: What do you mean?
 * Henry Desalvo: What do I mean? What do you mean "what do I mean"? I mean there was another shooter is what I mean.
 * [a bunch of mean-looking gangstas approach him.]
 * William Spaulding: So, did you take care of the job or not?
 * Henry Desalvo: Not.
 * William Spaulding: Did the other shooter take care of it?
 * Henry Desalvo: Uh, hold on a second.
 * [Henry pretends to drop the piece of paper with the phone number on it, bends down to pick it up, and draws a revolver from his ankle holster.]
 * Henry Desalvo: Not right now, okay?
 * Gang Leader: It's cool, man.


 * Arthur Herk: [asked who might have shot his TV set] I'll tell you who did it. It's probably some goddamn kids. 'Cause these goddamn kids today, they all got goddamn guns, and they're all sniffing glue!
 * Officer Monica Romero: Any additional insights, Mr. Herk? Any information can help us to protect you.
 * Arthur Herk: I seriously doubt that you or any other member of the police force in this town could protect their own dicks with both hands.
 * Officer Monica Romero: Thank you for that observation. [to Matt] I'm not gonna arrest you, Matt, unless Mrs. Herk wants to press charges.
 * [Everyone looks at Anna.]
 * Anna Herk: Hey... kids.
 * Arthur Herk: I want to press charges! Cuff him!
 * Officer Monica Romero: My hands are kind of full right now, what with holding my dick and all.


 * Arthur Herk: [to Eliot] Good, now you and your shithead kid can get the hell out of here, and never come back.
 * Eliot Arnold: Thanks for everything.


 * Anna Herk: Listen, I'm sorry my husband's such an idiot.
 * Eliot Arnold: He's probably really upset because someone shot his TV...
 * Anna Herk: No, he's an idiot.
 * Eliot Arnold: Do you think someone's trying to kill him?
 * Anna Herk: God, I hope so!


 * Eliot Arnold: What does a guy like Arthur do for a living?
 * Anna Herk: He's an executive at Penultra Corporation.
 * Eliot Arnold: [chuckles] I did an article on them once. They built the jail downtown where the plumbing doesn't work. I called it, "Crapital Punishment."
 * Anna Herk: Eliot Arnold, from The Herald? I used to read your column! You were so funny. What happened?
 * Eliot Arnold: I lost my sense of humor in the divorce.
 * [Anna laughs]
 * Eliot Arnold: [more seriously] How does a guy like Arthur end up with someone like you?
 * Anna Herk: I married him when Jenny was little. My first husband left us kind of early, and we had to move to this crappy little apartment, and I met Arthur. He was different then. I keep looking up divorce lawyers in the phone book, but then I think about that horrible apartment.
 * Eliot Arnold: It's unavailable. I live there.
 * [She laughs again.]


 * [Eliot and Anna go for a walk on the beach after passionately making out in his office.]
 * Eliot Arnold: Can I get personal?
 * Anna Herk: [laughs] Now you're asking?
 * Eliot Arnold: Your daughter really likes you.
 * Anna Herk: Yeah, we have a pretty good relationship.
 * Eliot Arnold: Your divorce, Arthur... she doesn't throw any of that in your face?
 * Anna Herk: No, I told Jenny a long time ago that I wasn't perfect. She tried to accept my mistakes, and I try to accept hers.
 * Eliot Arnold: Sounds simple.
 * Anna Herk: Well, I mean it wasn't that simple when she came home with that scorpion tattooed on her butt.
 * Eliot Arnold: Matt hates me. He basically thinks I'm a loser. Called me a loser. So I called him a shithead. If we had bad teeth, we could go on Jerry Springer.
 * [Anna laughs.]

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 * Jenny Herk: [to Andrew] And you, don't look at my ass when I walk away.
 * Andrew: I can't make that promise.
 * [Jenny scoffs and leaves.]
 * Andrew: Whoa. "You can squirt me tonight down at Bayside." You're gonna remember that line when you're an old dude, dude.
 * Matt Arnold: Are you looking at her ass?
 * Andrew: Yeah.

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 * [While approaching the annoying cigar smokers.]
 * Henry Desalvo: Gentlemen; would you mind putting out your cigars, please?
 * Bruce: Come again?
 * Henry Desalvo: I asked, would you mind putting out your cigars, please?
 * Bruce: As a matter of fact I would mind.
 * Henry Desalvo: Well you see the reason I asked -- all due respect -- is because I got a great New York strip over there cost me twenty-seven dollars and change, and it tastes like I'm eating a cigar.
 * Bruce: Well, first of all, Ace: you're eating a steak at a place called "Joe's Stone Crab"? And secondly, there's no rule that says we can't smoke.
 * Henry Desalvo: Well, first of all: My name is not Ace. And number two: I'm not talking about rules, here, I'm talking about manners. You see, there is no rule that says I can't come over here and fart on your entree, but I don't do it. Why? Because it isn't good manners. Now I will ask you again in the nicest way to please, put out the cigars, okay?
 * [Bruce blows smoke in Henry's face and laughs with his friends. Finally snapping, Henry grabs the cigar, snaps Bruce's fingers and puts out his cigar in his drink. Shocked, the others follow suit.]
 * Henry Desalvo: Thank you.
 * Bruce: [Pained] I hope you realize you've just committed assault.
 * Henry Desalvo: I know, I know. You know, I remember time was you actually had to hit somebody.

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 * Henry Desalvo: [back at his table] You go tell your employer it's gonna cost him another 10 G's apiece.
 * His Boss: Okay. But we want this finished as soon as possible.
 * Henry Desalvo: Well, believe me, we don't want to spend anymore time in this garden spot than we have to.
 * Leonard: Got that right.

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 * [Jenny walks away from Matt and Andrew again.]
 * Matt Arnold: Are you staring at her ass?
 * Andrew: You're not?

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 * [about the Gator radioshow]
 * Leonard: What the hell are 'Gators'?
 * Henry Desalvo: Football. College.
 * Leonard: Morons.

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 * Pat Greer: Doesn't that just warm the cockles of your heart?
 * Alan Seitz: Warms the shit out of my cockles. My cockles are burning.

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 * Pat Greer: Oh, sure, your name is John, and you're just a hard-working, law-abiding citizen running a shithole bar where you got... no customers.
 * John: Is bad location.

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 * Alan Seitz: Oh, don't worry, Ivan. It's just your foot. See, this is what we at the bureau call an extremity shot. Generally, the victim survives. They don't do so well with what we call a torso shot.
 * Pat Greer: So what do you think, Ivan? Would you like to experience a torso shot?

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 * Eliot Arnold: Strip poker. Strip poker. Now, that's a good game.
 * [Grabs a squirt gun away from Matt]
 * Eliot Arnold: This is a stupid game.
 * Matt Arnold: Dad, no offense, but only a moron would mistake that for a real gun.
 * Eliot Arnold: You could've been killed. And where's your partner in crime?
 * Matt Arnold: Andrew?
 * Jenny Herk: He ran the other way.
 * Eliot Arnold: Did anybody call the police?
 * Anna Herk: [o.s.] I'm making coffee, do you want some?
 * Eliot Arnold: I'll call the police.

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 * Henry Desalvo: We have a "Die Hard" situation developing in the kitchen.
 * Leonard: What's happening?
 * Henry Desalvo: Well, either he's going to whack 'em with a rolling pin or bake him a cake. I don't know. Could go either way with this crew.

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 * Officer Monica Romero: You're making a big mistake.
 * Snake: Story of my life.

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 * [Getting into the hijacked police car]
 * Snake: Let's go.
 * Eddie: I ain't never driven one of these before.
 * Snake: It ain't a spaceship, asshole. Drive.

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 * [Having been sprayed by a hallucinogenic toad, Arthur is hallucinating that his dog possesses the head of Martha Stewart]
 * Arthur Herk: Oh, my God! She's coming to get me!
 * Pat Greer: The dog, sir?
 * Arthur Herk: No, not that! Her!
 * Pat Greer: Who?
 * Arthur Herk: You know! Her!
 * Martha Stewart: Herk, Herk, Herk! Herk!
 * Arthur Herk: Oh, my God, she knows my name... She knows everything! She's come to take my soul!
 * Pat Greer: Mr. Herk, this is important...
 * Arthur Herk: Please don't let her take my soul!
 * [Arthur begins sobbing and moaning incoherently]
 * Pat Greer: What the hell's he talking about?
 * Officer Monica Romero: I don't know.
 * Alan Seitz: How close did he get to that toad?
 * Officer Monica Romero: Like face first.
 * Alan Seitz: Bufotenin. Hell of a hallucinogen. He's gone and he's not coming back.
 * Martha Stewart: [growls]
 * Alan Seitz: Discovery Channel.

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 * [As Snake, Eddie and the kidnapped Jenny arrive at the airport]
 * Eddie: Okay, we gotta pick a road. Arrivals or departures? We're arriving, but then we're departing. Which one, Snake?
 * Snake: What do you think?
 * Jenny Herk: I think you guys should turn yourselves in and plead not guilty by reason of stupidity.
 * Snake: [looks at the signs] Departures.

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 * Snake: [remarking on his gun] Remember. I'm gonna have this thing pointed right at you. So, don't do something stupid.
 * Jenny Herk: How would you even know if I did something stupid?
 * Snake: I'll just know. Believe me, I can tell the difference.

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 * Snake: If you don't do like I say, you know what's gonna happen to you, right?
 * Puggy: You're gonna shoot me?
 * Snake: You got that right.

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 * Snake: We need four tickets to the Bahamas, one-way, next flight you got.
 * Fly by Air Ticket Agent: Nassau or Freeport?
 * Snake: The Bahamas.
 * Fly by Air Ticket Agent: Nassau and Freeport are in the Bahamas.
 * Snake: [confused] Whichever's next.

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 * [At the Airport Security Walk-through]
 * Airport Security Checker: What is this?
 * Snake: A garbage disposal.
 * Airport Security Checker: A garbage disposal?
 * Snake: Portable.
 * Airport Security Checker: You'll have to turn it on.
 * Snake: It's got a timer.
 * [turns the switches of the bomb on]
 * Snake: Grounds up your garbage, while you're out.

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 * [In the airplane]
 * Snake: How about we go now?
 * Airplane Captain Justin Hobart: Sir, we have to finish the preflight checklist. It's for your safety, sir.
 * Snake: [points to his gun in his hand] I got my safety right here, asshole.

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 * Officer Walter Kramitz: Are you going to help me, or are you just gonna be a big, fat, stupid asshole?
 * Airport Security Chief Ralph Pendick: Strip search.

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 * [Henry and Leonard are stuck in the middle of a big traffic jam, just right before the Airport Road]
 * Henry Desalvo: We're gonna miss our flight.
 * Leonard: You see what the problem is?
 * Henry Desalvo: I don't know. There's some kind of commotion up there. There might be something about it on the radio.
 * [He turns on the radio - only to find the two same people arguing on the same phone-in show before turning off the radio in annoyance. After a moment in silence, a goat walks past the car; the two men pause for a moment in stunned silence]
 * Henry Desalvo: [disbelieving] Was that a goat?
 * Leonard: Let's get the hell outta here.

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 * [Officer Monica Romero and Agents Greer and Seitz are speeding to the airport.]
 * Officer Monica Romero: [about the suitcase bomb] Where did they get that stuff?
 * Pat Greer: Russia.
 * Officer Monica Romero: Don't the Russians have controls on that kind of thing?
 * Pat Greer: You'd faint if you knew. A few months ago, somebody got a warhead out of a missile-dismantlement facility in a place called...
 * Alan Seitz: Sergiyev Posad. Not far from Moscow. Beautiful churches there. [off their looks] Travel Channel.
 * Pat Greer: Anyway, somebody who knew what they were doing modified it. Dumped it on some guys who run a place here called The Jolly Jackal.
 * Officer Monica Romero: The bar?
 * Pat Greer: That bar has more AK-47s than Budweiser.

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 * Officer Monica Romero: [about the suitcase bomb in Miami] Well, guess it was bound to happen one day.
 * Alan Seitz: What makes you think this is the first time?
 * Pat Greer: Never mind which time this is. The important thing is we got those assholes trapped at the airport, and until we say further, no plane is taking off.
 * Officer Monica Romero: You can do that?

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 * [while speeding to the airport, Eliot cuts over to the opposite side, weaving desperately around oncoming cars.]
 * Eliot Arnold: I hope you're not gonna give me a ticket for this.
 * Officer Walter Kramitz: [eyes tightly shut] If I don't see them, I don't write them.

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 * [at the airport, Leonard trips and his hunting rifle goes flying onto the pavement (again). He and Henry freeze when they see FBI Agents Greer and Seitz and Officer Romero standing there.]
 * Pat Greer: Your jurisdiction.
 * [He and Seitz move off. Romero picks up the rifle, removes the bolt, and tosses the rifle back to the ground.]
 * Officer Monica Romero: [holding the bolt] Gentlemen. [leaves]
 * Henry DeSalvo: ...Well, Miami sucks. But the cops are kind of nice.
 * Leonard Ferroni: You got that right.

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 * Airport Officer Arch Ridley: [Agent Greer just pushed him up against a support wall] Name's Arch Ridley. Tell me what you need. Please don't kill me.
 * Pat Greer: We're tracking a couple of scumbags, with one, maybe two hostages and a big metal suitcase. Anybody in this crackerjack system of yours see anything like that?

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 * Officer Monica Romero: [lowering her voice] You're going to shoot that plane down? You can't do this! There's innocent people on that plane!
 * Pat Greer: If that nuke goes off over Freeport, many innocent people die. Now, nobody likes this, okay? But this has been discussed, believe me, as high as it can be, every scenario, and this is the only way out.
 * Officer Monica Romero: How soon?
 * Pat Greer: When the plane's over the Gulf Stream. Three minutes.
 * Officer Monica Romero: Well, what about the kid's father? Maybe he made it onto the plane.
 * Pat Greer: Let's say he did. Is he, by any chance, familiar with a Russian nuclear warhead with a plutonium rod encased in a terillium core?
 * Officer Monica Romero: I believe he's in advertising.

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 * Eliot Arnold: [as Snake clings onto a set of stairs] Let go of the suitcase!
 * Snake: The Kingpin will never let go of the Kingpin's suitcase! [opens fire on him]
 * Airplane Captain Justin Hobart: It's a bomb! It's a bomb! Get it off the plane!
 * [Eliot grabs an emergency lever...]
 * Eliot Arnold: [to Snake] Have it your way!
 * [...And pulls it, jettisoning the stairs and sending Snake and the suitcase plummeting towards the ocean.]

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 * Anna Herk: Let's take it slow.
 * Eliot Arnold: Absolutely.
 * [They grab each other and kiss passionately.]
 * Eliot Arnold: [v.o.] We were married a week after Anna's divorce.

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 * Arthur Herk: Make her stop! God in heaven! Make her stop! She wants my soul!!!
 * Martha Stewart: Arugula! Arugula! Arrrrrrrrugula!

Cast

 * Tim Allen - Eliot Arnold
 * Rene Russo - Anna Herk
 * Stanley Tucci - Arthur Herk
 * Tom Sizemore - Snake Dupree
 * Johnny Knoxville - Eddie Leadbetter
 * Dennis Farina - Henry Desalvo
 * Jack Kehler - Leonard Ferroni
 * Janeane Garofalo - Miami PD Officer Monica Romero
 * Patrick Warburton - Miami PD Officer Walter Kramitz
 * Ben Foster - Matt Arnold
 * Zooey Deschanel - Jenny Herk
 * Dwight "Heavy D" Myers - FBI Special Agent Pat Greer
 * Omar Epps - FBI Special Agent Alan Seitz
 * Jason Lee - Puggy
 * Sofía Vergara - Nina