Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros

Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros is a 2010 American made for cable comedy erotic film in which Dr. Bikini Jones is on the hunt for the lost Temple of Eros. Using a golden idol as her guide, she searches the wild land of Moronica. It is a softcore porn spoof of Indiana Jones.
 * Directed and written by Fred Olen Ray.

Dialogue

 * Evilla Cruella: I want that idol. It's mine by right of my ancestry!
 * Drago: Perhaps, but I thought you were from Hobokin.
 * Evilla Cruella: Hobokin?! Well, my grandpa did settle there, but my real destiny is the empire of Moronica.
 * Drago: Yes, of course. This is all very unfortunate.
 * Evilla Cruella: I entrusted my spies to bring me my idol. We had it, but it slipped away. And I want it back.
 * Drago: How can we help you achieve your goals, mistress?
 * Evilla Cruella: I must have that idol. It alone has the location of the Temple of Eros. With it, I can acquire the Tiara of Ayesha and rule all of Moronica.
 * Drago: And then you will be the supreme empress of Moronica.
 * Evilla Cruella: Suits me well, don't you think?
 * Drago: It does, indeed.
 * Evilla Cruella: Then get me that idol! I don't care how you do it, or by what means! Just bring it back to me.
 * Drago: I understand that Dr. Jones, the eminent archaeologist, has it in her possession.
 * Evilla Cruella: Then you know what to do. Rally your spies in America, and bring me that idol!
 * Drago: At your command. [walks out of the room]
 * Evilla Cruella: [raises her clenched fist] I will have that idol, or else! [laughs wickedly with an evil smile]


 * Carol: I studied Reiki in college.
 * Bikini Jones: Reiki?
 * Carol: Reiki-Tikki-Tavi. The art of sensuous mongoose massage.


 * Bikini Jones: [holding the idol in her hands] Hmm. You will look spectacular in my trophy case.
 * Security guard: [arrives and points a gun at Bikini Jones] Freeze! Put your hands up!
 * Bikini Jones: [puts down the idol and raises her hands] Easy, lady.
 * Security guard: What are you doing in here?
 * Bikini Jones: Well, let me guess... silent alarm?
 * Security guard: That's right. Now I asked you, what were you doing?
 * Bikini Jones: What's it look like, Einstein? [puts down her hands] I'm the cleaning lady. I'm cleaning up.
 * Security guard: How'd you get in here? All the doors are locked.
 * Bikini Jones: Can I help it? I get paid to clean! I finished three floors; this was my last stop.
 * Security guard: That's right. I saw you on the second floor. [puts down the gun] You do good work.
 * Bikini Jones: [giggles] Thanks! I try.
 * Security guard: Well, I guess there's no harm done. We'd better not let anybody know about this. They'll fire one of us for sure.
 * Bikini Jones: Why would I tell anyone? I don't want to lose my job.
 * Security guard: Well, me, either. So we agree? This never happened.
 * Bikini Jones: What happened?
 * Security guard: Yeah. That's the idea.
 * Bikini Jones: You know, my shift is over now. What do you say? You and me seal the deal? This way neither one of us is tempted to talk about it later.
 * Security guard: You mean... you and me?
 * Bikini Jones: Right here on the desk.
 * Security guard: Well... [turns her head to look if anyone is around, then turns back to Bikini Jones] I guess no one will miss me for a little while.
 * Bikini Jones: [giggles] Great! Let's not waste any time.