Billions (TV series)

Billions (2016-2023) is an American TV show, airing on Showtime, about tenacious U.S. Attorney Chuck Rhoades, who is locked in an epic battle with ruthlessly brilliant hedge fund king Bobby ‘Axe’ Axelrod and there is no line both men won’t cross to win.

Pilot [1.01]

 * Chuck Rhoades: A good matador doesn't kill a fresh bull. You wait until he's been stuck a few times.


 * Chuck Rhoades: My father always taught me that 'mercy' was a word pussies use when they can't take the pain.


 * Mick Danzig: I'm down 4%, year to date. Everyone else is up double digits. I'm down. I'm fucked.
 * Wendy Rhoades: You don't need meds. You're just listening to the wrong voice. You're tuned in to the one yelling at you over the loudspeaker that you're fucking stupid and your performance blows, and you're ignoring the quiet one, inside, telling you where the alpha is. Now, that's the voice that got you here. And it's still there if you're willing to listen. What's that voice telling you?


 * Chuck Rhoades: Spyros, you wouldn't know the right thing to do if it kneeled down and sucked your tiny goddamn cock! You pull any shit like that again and I will unleash holy fucking hell on you.


 * Chuck Rhoades: Walk away.
 * Bobby Axelrod: I should. But then again, what's the point of having fuck you money, if you never say, 'Fuck you'?


 * Chuck Rhoades: What we do has consequences, intended or unintended. The decisions we make, The actions we bring—have weight.


 * Bobby Axelrod: You know, being a billionaire I never get to talk about this with anyone 'cause who's gonna give a shit? But being a billionaire, when you walk into a room, it's like being a woman with a perfect set of tits.


 * Bobby Axelrod: If you fuck me, I never talk to you again.

Naming Rights [1.02]

 * Bobby Axelrod: Get the fuck up or people will think I'm not paying you enough.


 * Bobby Axelrod: If we're as smart as we think we are. If not, the heat will melt us like an Almond Joy in the sun.


 * Mike Wagner: You see an opportunity like that again you grab it like it's a horse cock and you're Catherine the Great.


 * Mike Wagner: We have to be more pure than the Virgin Mary before her first period.


 * Hall: What gets me off would disturb you at such a deep level, honey, you'd be best-served never to think about it again.

YumTime [1.03]

 * Chuck Rhoades: Excuse me, sir.
 * Man: What?
 * Chuck Rhoades: You didn't clean up after your dog.
 * Man: Yeah, I forgot the bag today.
 * Chuck Rhoades: Oh, I don't think so because, you know, it's not just the statutory law, it's the law of civility, man. And I've seen you before. You come out of that building, your dog craps, and you just leave it where it falls.
 * Man: Why don't you mind your business?
 * Chuck Rhoades: This is my business.
 * Man: Oh, you're that guy.
 * Chuck Rhoades: I am that guy.
 * Man: All right, well, do you have an extra bag?
 * Chuck Rhoades: No, no. See, I used mine.
 * Man: Well, I'll get it next time.
 * Chuck Rhoades: No, I think you need to get it this time.
 * Man: Why don't you let it slide?
 * Chuck Rhoades: "Let it slide." That sounds simple, easy. Sure, let it slide. That's just some dog shit. But those are three devious little words. You know, if if I let your dog shit slide, then I have to be okay with this whole plaza filling up with it, which it would before we know it. Oh, then it would be on our pant legs and our shoes, and we would track it into our homes, and then our homes would smell like shit, too. It'd be easy to let it slide. You know, why don't we, uh, why don't we let petty larceny slide, too? Some kid steals five bucks from a newsstand? Who cares? Well, maybe next time he decides to steal your TV or break into your brownstone and steal your fucking wife. But what difference does it make? Because by then, we're all living in shit anyway.
 * Man: Come on, man. I don't have a bag.
 * Chuck Rhoades: You have hands.
 * Man: What?
 * Chuck Rhoades: Use your hands.
 * Man: Or? Come on, man.
 * Chuck Rhoades: Come on, buddy. [man picks it up with his hands] There we go. Thattaboy. That's the spirit.


 * Mike Wagner: What is it about a woman taking it into her mouth after a little raw-dogging that just seems so right? And it’s just this: that I’m accepted for who I am.



"Yum Time" [1.03]
[timestamp=22:30]
 * Chuck Rhoades: I'm making parlay with Eastern, and I need big wampum.
 * Lonnie Watley: So this is where I just grab my ankles and take it?
 * Chuck Rhoades: I'll send over a vat of ass lube.
 * Lonnie Watley: Chuck, what is the difference between 'ass lube' and regular lube?
 * Chuck Rhoades: Viscosity.

Short Squeeze [1.04]

 * Bobby Axelrod: Like your wife says, hold the fucking position until I tell you I'm done.


 * Bobby Axelrod: I don't lie to myself and I don't hold on to a loser.

The Good Life [1.05]

 * Chuck Rhoades: No one quits while they’re ahead. This isn’t France. It’s America.


 * Bryan Connerty: Only people with money forget about money.


 * Mike Wagner: Saddle up! Body sushi at the strip joint, on me.

The Deal [1.06]

 * 'Dollar' Bill Stearn: I'm Keyser Söze Motherfucker!

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[Edit: The Lonnie quote is from Season 1 Episode 3, NOT S1E6. However the dollar bill quote IS from S1E6]

The Punch [1.07]

 * Chuck Rhoades: You need me, because I am willing to stare into the abyss beyond conventional morality and do what needs to be done.

Where the F*ck is Donnie? [1.09]

 * Chuck Rhoades: The douche bag apple doesn't fall far from the douche bag tree.

Quality of Life [1.10]

 * Chuck Rhoades: We will retreat so we can attack when it is to our advantage.

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 * Bobby Axelrod: BILL STEARN!
 * Bill Stearn: I'm back, baby!
 * Bobby Axelrod: Get your ass in my office right now. [Axelrod waits for Stearn to follow him in.] Close the fucking door!
 * [Stearn closes the office door behind him.]
 * Bill Stearn: Uh... you wanna tell me what I did here?
 * Bobby Axelrod: [Pointing at Stearn accusingly] Pretend we're having an argument.
 * Bill Stearn: You wanna fucking tell me why?
 * [Axelrod and Stearn both begin gesturing and pointing as if arguing furiously; the office is soundproofed, so the rest of the firm can only see them.]
 * Bobby Axelrod: I want the street to think that you and I are on the outs! I especially want those fuckers who left to hear about it! I wanna give Channing, Carla, and Lasa a good fucking!
 * Bill Stearn: I heard they went out on their own; you didn't bless that?
 * Bobby Axelrod: I did not bless that!
 * Bill Stearn: That's a shame! They were talented, and I kind of liked them!
 * Bobby Axelrod: Oh, so you don't wanna help me out?
 * Bill Stearn: Fuck that! They fuck you, they fuck me, so let's fuck them! Whaddya want me to do?
 * Bobby Axelrod: I'm gonna poke you. Poke me back!
 * Bill Stearn: I will poke you all goddamn day!
 * Bobby Axelrod: You throw in with them; you tell them I was a prick, when- more to come!
 * Bill Stearn: Got it!
 * Bobby Axelrod: You've been through a lot. You all right?
 * Bill Stearn: It was hell. But I survived!
 * Bobby Axelrod: When you walk out that door, I want you to tell me to go fuck myself, good and loud!
 * Bill Stearn: They're gonna hear me in the back office!
 * Bobby Axelrod: Come bonus time, I am gonna show you enough love, you could start a third family!
 * Bill Stearn: Two's fuckin' plenty!
 * Bobby Axelrod: I'm gonna shove you now!
 * Bill Stearn: Go ahead!
 * [Axelrod shoves Stearn, who shoves him right back.]
 * Bobby Axelrod: I love you like a brother.
 * Bill Stearn: I fuckin' love you, too, man. [Stearn pretends to storm out of Axelrod's office, pausing as he opens the door.] Go fuck yourself, Axelrod!

Magical Thinking [1.11]

 * Wendy Rhoades: A normal person wouldn’t engage in the behavior. A sociopath wouldn’t give a shit. You’re somewhere in between.

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 * Chuck Rhoades: Guarantee is a word that amateurs use in politics.

The Conversation [1.12]
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 * Bobby Axelrod: When I walk out that door today, we are friends for life or you don’t exist to me ever again.

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 * Chuck Rhoades: Maybe generations from now, they’ll tell stories about you, like they do Jesse James or Billy the Kid. The myth is so fucking romantic.

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 * Bobby Axelrod: When I pull a deal off the table, I leave Nagasaki behind.
 * Chuck Rhoades: The only enemy more dangerous than a man with unlimited resources is one with nothing to lose. And that is what you are looking at right here.

Risk Management [2.01]

 * Chuck Rhoades: Don't serve rabbit food to an elephant and ask if he's full.

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 * Bobby Axelrod: First I figured out where the sharp action was, where the guys who had a plan were, the guys who grinded. Took the guesswork out of it.

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 * Mike Wagner: It's time for you folks to sharpen your pencils, and you better come back with one Traci Lords of an idea. And if you need that fucking defined, here it is: a barely legal, market-dominating, brilliant cocksucker of an idea.

Dead Cat Bounce [2.02]

 * China is a pig on LSD: You never know which way it's gonna run.

The Oath [2.04]

 * Orrin Bach: In Depo's I've seen things, you wouldn't believe!
 * Bobby Axelrod: Attack ships on fire.
 * Orrin Bach: Yes, the very best cases... gone forever: like tears in rain.
 * Bobby Axelrod: No replicant, no lawyer is gonna rattle me.

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 * Chuck Rhoades: The best way to bond with someone isn't doing a favor, it's asking for one.

Currency [2.05]

 * Bobby Axelrod: You weren't ready. Leave it there.
 * Lara Axelrod: Why the fuck not?
 * Bobby Axelrod: What is it that you do that you're the best in the world at? You offer a service you didn't invent, a formula you didn't invent, a delivery method you didn't invent. Nothing about what you do is patentable or a unique user experience. You haven't identified an isolated market segment, haven't truly branded your concept. You need me to go on? So, why would an investment bank put serious money into it? I all but told you ahead of time, but you wouldn't listen. Now you've heard it, but it's too late. You weren't ready.

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 * Bobby Axelrod: Nobody leaves here until you hand me an idea that I can shock the world with in a few days time!

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 * Bobby Axelrod: You were wrong. I’m not human. I am a machine. I’m a fucking Terminator.

Indian Four [2.06]

 * Bobby Axelrod: Nobody leaves a negotiation happy.

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 * Mike Wagner: Surrendered like a French fucking soldier!

The Kingmaker [2.08]

 * Chuck Rhoades: You know what it takes to find a truffle? A hog, a dog, whatever keenly scented, carefully trained animal gets the assignment, spends a lifetime traipsing through the dark, sniffing out the slightest aroma. And only then the digging begins. And what do you think they’re digging through?Shit. That’s the thing we don’t say much about, right? The things we most value, the things we pay most dearly to ingest are grown in shit.

Sic Transit Imperium [2.09]

 * Bobby Axelrod: You get one life, so do it all.

With or Without You [2.10]

 * Taylor Mason: I like nightmares. When I wake up, they leave me deeply valuing my reality.

Golden Frog Time [2.11]

 * Mike Wagner: You know those poison-tip arrows that certain tribes use that go through one guy and kill another? This might be like that — golden frog poison. I tried to smoke it once. Shaman jumped across the tent to stop me.

Tie Goes to the Runner [3.01]

 * Chuck Rhoades: We all mask certain emotions, often our most intense ones, like Bjorn Borg did. But like Borg, eventually, it'll end up costing you everything.

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 * Wendy Rhoades: Rich guys head to the city when their marriages fall apart for the same reason birds fly south instead of freezing their asses off.

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 * Orrin Bach: My father always said laughter was the best medicine, which is why I was so confused when I finally tried cocaine in the '80s.

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 * Mike Wagner: As you wish, my liege.

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 * Bobby Axelrod: You have about as much edge as Mister Rogers.

The Wrong Maria Gonzalez [3.02]

 * Taylor Mason: Legal trouble does not mean you can't fulfill your teleological purpose.

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 * Wendy Rhoades: Impose your will on him until he does what he needs to and repays the debt.

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 * Mike Wagner: You can't have it appear you're illegally meddling, especially when you're illegally meddling.

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 * Oliver Dake: That is tampering.
 * Chuck Rhoades: No. It's finesse.

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 * Mike Wagner: Why should I trust you to do anything other than point me to the nearest avocado toast?

A Generation Too Late [3.03]

 *  Mike Wagner: Billy Bean never won a World Series.

The Third Ortolan [3.06]

 * Bobby Axelrod: What words do you need me to say to make you feel safe?

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 * Orrin Bach: We're almost home. Don't let your paranoia make you take unnecessary risks.

Not You, Mr. Dake [3.07]

 * Bryan Connerty: Once you get going prosecuting people who don't deserve it, it gets hard to stop.

All the Wilburys [3.08]

 * Wendy Rhoades: You don't want to be in politics, you want to be beyond politics.

Icebreaker [3.09]

 * Chuck Rhoades: Calculation is not something to be scoffed at. It's a tool. A tactic. And I use it proudly and often.

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 * Mike Wagner: The fact that you can't fully understand that doesn't mean he's wrong. It just means you haven't gone beyond your own limits.

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 * Chuck Rhoades: Self-righteousness is an indulgence I cannot afford.

Kompenso [3.11]

 * Bobby Axelrod: It's yet another fucking accommodation. I got this rich so I could stop making them.

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 * Mike Wagner: That reminds me of a prayer I said every night as a kid: I pray the Lord my soul to keep, and if I die before I wake, I pray that all my toys should break. So my fucking brother and sister can't play with 'em.

Arousal Template [4.02]

 * Chuck Rhoades: Time's a fickle beast. Why, a year ago, I had legions at my command while your fund was deflating like a Tijuana breast implant.

Cast

 * Paul Giamatti - Charles "Chuck" Rhoades Jr.
 * Damian Lewis - Robert "Bobby" Axelrod
 * Maggie Siff - Wendy Rhoades
 * Malin Åkerman - Lara Axelrod
 * Toby Leonard Moore - Bryan Connerty
 * David Costabile - Mike "Wags" Wagner
 * Condola Rashād - Kate Sacker
 * Asia Kate Dillon - Taylor Amber Mason
 * Jeffrey DeMunn - Charles Rhoades Sr.