Billy Madison

Billy Madison is a 1995 film about a hotel heir who goes back to school, first through twelfth grade, two weeks per grade, to inherit his father's company.
 * Directed by Tamra Davis. Written by Tim Herlihy and Adam Sandler.

Billy's Going Back To School

Billy Madison

 * I'm sorry. I can't hear you. I've been physically abused in the ear!
 * I see your lips movin', but I can't make out the words! I'm deaf! Oh, Veronica Vaughn ... Soooo hot ... want to touch the hiney ... (howls)
 * It's nudie magazine day!
 * It's too damn hot for a penguin to be walking around here.
 * All the people at the zoo are real nice, Mr. Penguin. They'll treat you real respectable like.
 * He said "poop"!
 * Tits!
 * Well, I could think of three things I'd like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would include a buffalo, live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety's sake, and three, we bring back some of those ice cubes and switch it over to a pitching wedge.
 * Whoa, whoa, whoa, Ms. Lippy! The part in the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think: 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog is lost, you don't look for an hour then call it quits; you get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog!
 * I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before, and to be honest with you, I wanted to see a blue duck.
 * That's quacktastic! Quack, quack, quack!
 * Actually, I stole this shirt from Frank.
 * Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this?
 * JUST DO IT!!
 * You know I like Snack Pack, why can't you just GIVE ME A SNACK PACK?!?!
 * (singing) Oh, back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight! Ohhhhhhhhh, back to school! Back to school. Back to ... school. (bus approaches) Well, here goes nothin'.
 * (waves the shampoo bottle as if it is talking) Shampoo is better; I go on first and clean the hair! (waves the conditioner bottle to the same effect) Conditioner is better; I leave the hair silky and smooth! (waves the shampoo bottle) Oh, really, fool?! (waves the conditioner bottle) Really! (he then makes the shampoo and conditioner bottle "fight" each other before dropping both into the bathtub, then notices a golden swan-shaped faucet.) Stop lookin' at me, swan!
 * (after he hallucinates and sees the penguin at Veronica's house) (drunkenly) Oh. I see what's going' on in here. (penguin waves at him) So sorry to interrupt! (turns to Veronica) Proceed!
 * You ain't cool, unless, you pee your pants! Everybody my age pee their pants; it's the coolest!
 * (after Ernie hangs up the phone) YOU BLEW IT!!
 * Chlorophyll?! More like BORE-O-PHYLL! Right?
 * I choose Business Ethics.
 * (menacingly) O'Doyle, I got a feeling your whole family is going' down;... but right now, I gotta study!
 * Uh, Dad, do we have to discuss this with Captain Dipshit here?
 * (at dodgeball period) Now you're all in big, big trouble!
 * (to high-school classmate) No, I will not make out with you!
 * An accident? What's that mean? (notices Ernie wet his pants) GYOO!!!!
 * You, me, Jack and Frank are gonna go around Putting shit on people's doorsteps and we gonna sets it on fire!
 * Man, I'm glad I called that guy!
 * Alright you got it 1st grade through 12th grade all over again. I'll do each grade in 2 weeks, take the test, re-graduate, prove to you i'm not a idiot, and i get to take over Madison Hotels.

Principal Anderson

 * What do I care about some stupid, phony wrestling guy?
 * The statement I made about Billy Madison was and is completely untrue. I know now, that I shall never escape my fate as the Revolting Blob. It's something I must learn to live with.

Dialogue

 * Old Man Clements: It's one of those flaming bags again!
 * Old Man Clements's wife: Don't put it out with your boots, Ted!
 * Old Man Clements: Don't tell me my business, devil woman! Call the fire department; this one's out of control![stamps out flaming bag] Yuck! It's POOP again! I'll get you damn kids for this! You're all gonna die!!


 * Veronica Vaughn: Who would steal 30 bagged lunches?
 * [The scene cuts to show the bus driver, Jack and Frank eating the kids' lunches]
 * Old Lady: I'll tell you who took those lunches. That damn Sasquatch!


 * [Billy is faking sick so he can skip school. He lays in bed with a mouth thermometer he heated with his desk-lamp]
 * Billy: I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school.
 * Juanita: If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits! (laughs)
 * Billy: [disgusted] Oh, my God! I'll go to school!


 * Bus Driver: Get on the bus here. Move it. Get up there. Kyle. 1, 2, 5, 7. Move it or lose it. Get on the bu-s Hi, Ms. Vaughn. Nice to see ya. [stops Billy] That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ass. I know from experience, dude, if you know what I mean.
 * Billy: No, you don't.
 * Bus Driver: Well, not me personally, but a guy I know ... him and her got it on! Whoooooo-eeeeee!
 * Billy: No, they didn't.
 * Bus Driver: No, no, no they didn't. But you could imagine what it'd be like if they did, right? Huh? Huh? [Billy gets on the bus] Everybody on? Good. Great! Grand! Wonderful! [closes the door, yelling]: NO YELLING ON THE BUS!


 * Dan: [stuttering while reading] Wa-wa-wa-once th-th-th-there wa-wa-wa-was a-a-a-a g-g-girl ... who wa-a-an-
 * Billy: Pffft! Kid can't even read.
 * Ernie: Cut it out dude, you're gonna get us in trouble.
 * Dan: An air-air-air-p-p-p-p-plane f-f-flying t-t-t ...
 * Billy: T-t-t-today, Junior! Ha-ha-ha!
 * [Veronica Vaughn sends Billy out of the classroom, the kids laugh]
 * Billy: [overreacting dramatically] OW!! YOU'RE TEARING MY EAR OFF!!
 * Veronica: Making fun of a little kid trying to read! Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul?
 * Billy: I'm sorry I can't hear you, I've been physically abused in the ear.
 * Veronica: You keep your mouth shut for the next two weeks or I'm gonna fail you. End of story. [leaves]
 * Billy: I see your lips moving, but I can't make out the words. I'm deaf! Ohh, Veronica Vaughn. Soooo hot! Want to touch the hiney! [howls]


 * 3rd Grader: Hey, look everybody! Billy peed his pants!
 * Billy: Of course I peed my pants! Everybody my age pees their pants; it's the coolest!
 * 3rd Grader: Really?
 * Billy: YES! You ain't cool, unless you pee your pants.
 * 3rd Grader: Hey, look! Ernie peed his pants, too. All right!
 * Old Lady: If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
 * Billy: Oh! That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life! LET'S GO!!!


 * Scotty: Mortal Kombat on the Sega Genesis is the best video game ever.
 * Billy: I disagree. It's a very good game, but I think Donkey Kong is the best video game ever.
 * Scotty: Donkey Kong sucks!
 * Billy: You know somethin'? YOU SUCK!


 * Lunch Lady: Have some more Sloppy Joes. I made 'em EXTRA sloppy for yous! Ha, ha, ha! I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy! [laughs evilly]
 * Billy: Lady, you're scarin' us!
 * [Everyone including Billy burst out laughing]


 * Billy: H-hey! Look at all this milk! You want some of this milk?
 * Veronica: That milk belongs to that classroom.
 * Billy: Oh, they don't gots to know about it. It could be our milk.
 * Veronica: No milk will ever be our milk.
 * Billy: Ooh, that wasn't very nice. How 'bout you, Sideburns? You want some of this milk?
 * Janitor: I'd rather have a beer.


 * [first lines]
 * Billy: [singing while relaxing in his pool] Suntan lotion is good for me; you protect me, tee-hee-hee! Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but YOU WON'T LET IT! WILL YA?!?! Ultraviolet rays: bad! Lotion: good! [makes a smiley face with his sunblock] Smiley!


 * Veronica: You know some people have no will power, no ambition. They just drift through life like lumps of crap.
 * Jack: What is she talkin' about?!


 * Frank: Well, this is great! When I graduated 1st grade all my dad did was tell me to get a job! Hey, you wanna feed that donkey some beer? Get it all messed up?
 * Billy: Maybe later.
 * Frank: I'll go put some beer in a bucket.
 * Billy: Okay.


 * Brian: Oh Billy, Billy boy, when are you going to find whatever it is you're lookin' for?
 * Billy: Here's a nice piece of shit! Old man Clements hates shit! He's gonna freak, when he realizes it's shit!


 * Frank: Hey Billy, who would you rather bone? Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?
 * Billy: Jack Nicholson now or 1974?
 * Frank: '74.
 * Billy: Meg Ryan. [Frank looks confused]


 * Brian: Billy, it wasn't just high school. Do you remember that spelling bee you won in the 1st grade?
 * Billy: Oh, no you didn't.
 * Brian: Rock ... R-O-K.
 * Billy: Yeah, so what's your point?
 * Brian: R-O-C-K!
 * Billy: The 'C' is silent, ha-ha!


 * Billy: Man, why did I have so many drinks? I can't remember! What's today?
 * Frank: October?
 * Billy: It's Nudie Magazine Day!!


 * Principal Anderson: [on TV] The statement I made about Billy Madison was, and is, completely untrue.
 * Eric: No.
 * Principal Anderson: I know now that I shall never escape my fate as the Revolting Blob.
 * Eric: No, no, no, no, no, no, NO! [angrily throws a stapler, and it hits his secretary, accidentally knocking her out]
 * Principal Anderson: It's something I must learn to live with.
 * Eric: Joyce?
 * Brian: What a mess. First, this psycho goes on TV, lies, then retracts it, and now Eric's secretary is in a coma. Carl, has anyone been able to find out anything about this Max guy?
 * Carl: No, sir. He's vanished. Nobody has any idea where he is.
 * Eric: [to Brian] I believed in Billy all along.
 * Billy: [to Eric] Oh, cut the horseshit! I know you blackmailed Max.
 * Brian: Take it easy, Billy. Things were going along great, until this wrestling freak messed things up. Billy should get another shot at high school.
 * Eric: Hey, rules are rules. Billy was supposed to finish each grade within the 2 weeks, or I get the company. He didn't finish 9th grade.
 * Carl: Eric, certainly there are extenuating circumstances.
 * Eric: Extenuating, exshmenuating! We had a deal. A signed, written deal. Each grade, 2 weeks, or I get the company.
 * Brian: Well, technically, you're right, but--
 * Eric: Oh, shut up, Brian! I've had to listen to your jawing for too long. [mimicking Brian] "Well, technically, mmeh-mmeh-mmeh--" [normal voice; loudly] Just SHUT UP! [gets up] Are you ready to hand the company over to me now?
 * Brian: No!
 * Eric: Then I'll see your ass in court.
 * Brian: Good.
 * Eric: Nice talkin' to ya, shitheads! Hhhheh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

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 * 12th grade O'Doyle: [after stuffing Billy's locker with manure] O'Doyle rules!
 * Billy: O'Doyle, I got a feeling your whole family's going down. But for now, I gotta study.

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 * Dan: Hey, I dare you to throw your sandwich at the bus driver. Do it. Come on.
 * [Kyle throws his sandwich at the bus driver]
 * Bus Driver: HEY!
 * Veronica: Hey, who threw that?
 * Bus Driver: I'll turn this damn bus around. That'll end your precious little field trip pretty damn quick, huh? You little...

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 * Knibb High Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said was one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
 * Billy: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine. [sits back in his seat]
 * Knibb High Principal: [to Billy] You remain one point ahead. [to Eric] Mr. Gordon, it is your turn. [to Billy] Mr. Madison, choose the topic.
 * [Billy examines the topic chart]
 * Billy: I choose "Business Ethics".
 * Knibb High Principal: [draws a question card] Mr. Gordon, the American business environment has fundamentally changed, following the insider trading and savings and loan scandals. Explain business ethics and how they're applied today.
 * Student in the audience: Booo!
 * [Eric gets out of his seat and approaches the microphone]
 * Eric: The, uh... ethics of, uh... business can be summarized in...
 * Student in the audience: Booo!
 * Eric: See, ethics are, uh... Y'know, the... the thing about ethi-- [completely loses it] GAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
 * [Eric whips out a revolver in a fit of rage and kicks down the microphone. Everyone panics and flees]
 * Eric: [angrily] That question was not fair! That was not in the reading! I demand a new question.
 * Billy: [smugly] Take it easy, psycho. You blew it, you lose.
 * Eric: [turns to Billy] I oughtta blow you away, you miserable...
 * Billy: Well, go ahead and do it! [Eric cocks his gun. Billy gets scared] YIKES!!
 * Principal Anderson: [comes charging out from backstage in his wrestling gear] AAAAAAH!!!!!! [body-slams Eric]
 * Veronica: No! [runs onto the stage]
 * Eric: Get off me! [recovers and points his gun at Veronica] Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH!!!
 * Billy: No!
 * [Eric is shot in the butt-cheek by Danny. Danny waves to Billy]
 * Billy: Man, I'm glad I called that guy!

Taglines
Taglines appear on theatrical release poster and in movie trailers.
 * Billy Madison's Going Back To School ... Way Back!
 * To Inherit His Family's Fortune, Billy Is Going Back To School ... Way Back!
 * There's A New Name For Dumb.
 * A Comedy About An Overwhelming Underachiever.

Cast

 * Adam Sandler as Billy Madison
 * Darren McGavin as Brian Madison
 * Bridgette Wilson as Veronica Vaughn
 * Bradley Whitford as Eric Gordon
 * Josh Mostel as Principal Max Anderson
 * Norm Macdonald as Frank
 * Mark Beltzman as Jack
 * Larry Hankin as Carl Alphonse
 * Theresa Merritt as Juanita
 * Dina Platias as Miss Lippy
 * Hrant Alianak as Pete
 * Vincent Marino as Cook
 * Jack Mather as Ted "Old Man" Clemens
 * Christopher Kelk as Rollo the Janitor
 * Marc Donato as Nodding 1st Grader
 * Keith Cole as Penguin
 * Chris Mei as Penguin
 * Conor Devitt as O'Doyle (Grade 1)
 * Jared Durand as Scotty Logan (Grade 1)
 * Jessica Nakamura as Tricia Labonte (Grade 1)
 * Helen Hughes as 2nd Grade Teacher
 * Jacelyn Holmes as 2nd Grade
 * Claire Celluci as Attractive Lady
 * Shane Farberman as Clown
 * Al Maini as Chauffeur
 * Jared Cook as Ernie (Grade 3)
 * Christian Matheson as O'Doyle (Grade 3)
 * Kyle Bailey as Kyle
 * Vernon Chapman as Butler
 * Mandy Watts as Maid
 * Austin Pool as Dan (Grade 3)
 * Gladys O'Connor as Tour Guide
 * Marcia Bennett as 4th Grade Teacher
 * Diane Douglass as Nurse
 * Tim Herlihy as Architect
 * Frank Nakashima as Architect
 * Joyce Gordon as Lunch Lady
 * Jordan Lerner-Ellis as Pothead
 * Daniel Lerner-Ellis as Pothead
 * Robert Smigel as Mr. Oblaski
 * Melissa Korzenko as Nancy Connors
 * Colin Smith as O'Doyle (Grade 9)
 * Jeff Moser as Paul
 * Amos Crawley as Rod
 * Tex Konig as Crazy Persons
 * Eduardo Gómez as Crazy Persons
 * Tanya Grout as Joyce (Eric's Secretary)
 * Benjamin Barrett as Tenth Grader
 * Matthew Ferguson as Tenth Grader
 * Sean Lett as O'Doyle (Grade 12)
 * Stacey Wheal as Jennifer (Grade 3)
 * Chris Farley as Bus Driver (uncredited)
 * Steve Buscemi as Danny McGrath (uncredited)
 * Jordan-Patrick Marcantonio as 10th Grader (uncredited)