Bob's Burgers (season 2)


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Bob's Burgers is an American adult animated sitcom created by Loren Bouchard for Fox. The series centers on the Belchers—parents Bob and Linda, and their children Tina, Gene, and Louise—who run a hamburger restaurant.

The Belchies [2.01]

 * Teddy: My uncle Paddy told me about it. He used to work in Caffery's, back in the fifties. He was his maid.
 * Bob: Your uncle Paddy... was a maid?
 * Teddy: All maids were men back then. Until women joined the workforce and took all the maid jobs away.
 * Linda: Alright girls! Go girls!




 * Linda: [worried] They're not here! I got Tina's diary, let's see if it says anything. [reads diary] "Dear Diary, tonight we're sneaking into the dangerous taffy factory. Also, if boys had uteruses they'd be called duderuses".
 * Bob: Ha, "duderuses."




 * Gene: I just can't stop banging things down here, the acoustics are great. Tina what song is this? [bangs brick on wall]
 * Tina: "Aqua Boogie," by P-funk?
 * Gene: Yes! Wow.

Bob Day Afternoon [2.02]

 * Louise: Action!
 * Bob: [practicing] As you know, sir, we have several loans with your institution, all "past due." But what does "past due" even mean, you know?
 * Gene: It's brilliant! There's no such thing as time!
 * Linda: Gene was past due, and he came out fine.
 * Gene: I wish I'd stayed in there! [Dives under the table]
 * Linda: Hey! Get outta there!
 * Gene: LEMME IN!
 * Linda: Gene! Bob!
 * Bob: D’oh.
 * Linda: [annoyed] This is your son.
 * Louise: Sorry, Gene, no backsies.
 * Gene: You can't put the candy back in mom's wrapper.




 * Tina: I will punch you.
 * Investigator: I will punch YOU!
 * Louise: Ooh! He will!

Synchronized Swimming [2.03]

 * Linda: I dreamed that I was breastfeeding Gene again, but he had a long, white beard, like Santa Claus. It was really freaky.
 * Gene: [suddenly perks up] That could be our next Christmas card.




 * Coach: You know the rules, Louise: no hats in the gym.
 * Louise: And I told you I have a raging staph infection under here. You touch this hat and we all go down! You want to play dodge ball in the hospital?




 * Louise: We have no PE for the rest of the year, my friends.
 * Gene: Yeah! Who needs it?
 * [Gene tries to open the door but can't]
 * Tina: Here, let me try.
 * [Tina opens the door easily]
 * Gene: Wow. I need to exercise.




 * Bob: Wow. Louise, You pulled a Caddyshack?
 * Louise: What's a Caddyshack?
 * Bob: The movie, Caddyshack.
 * Louise: I don't know it.
 * Bob: Wait, so, you you didn't just throw a candy bar in the pool?
 * Louise: No.
 * Bob: Wow
 * Louise: Yeah.
 * Bob: That's impressive.




 * Bob: Are we just going to ignore the fact that Louise just pooped in the pool?
 * Louise: Ignore it? I named it. Jezebel.
 * Linda: Awwww. My little grandoody.


 * Linda: You were right, Bob. I needed to let my baby birds fly. My bratty little baby birds fly with their crappy little wings. Sometimes you gotta push 'em out the window.
 * Bob: Yeah.
 * Linda: You gotta just push 'em right out there and if they fall flat [slaps hands together] then that's them.

Burgerboss [2.04]

 * Linda: I had the video game company take your game away because I love you. It's like the time you took away the credit card from me when I was ordering all those porcelain babies.
 * [in flashback]
 * Linda: [singing] If you're not real, then how come I feel this way, lil' babies!


 * Gene: [referring to the game music on Burgerboss] That's the song I wanna lose it to. Mm-mm-mm.

Food Truckin' [2.05]

 * Gene: It's the documentarian who hates Dad and puts wigs on cows!
 * Tina: Werner Herzog?

Dr. Yap [2.06]

 * Tina: You're a hurtful slut, Bob!


 * Prince of Persuasia: [listing tips for attracting women] Dress like her dad. It releases a hormone called moan-atonin.
 * When you get into an elevator with a woman, press a higher number than her and then make a big deal about it.
 * Push her in a lake.
 * Be one of the tallest guys in the bar and brag about how long your butt-crack is.
 * Sing a song that you supposedly heard on the radio, and make fun of her for not knowing it.
 * Use the word "idiot."
 * Never make her pancakes. Force her to make you pancakes, in the middle of the night.

Moody Foodie [2.07]

 * [At the Farmer's Market]
 * Gene: Dad, don't forget to get more monkey brains!
 * Louise: Yeah, and we need more unicorn testicles.
 * Tina: That's where dreams are born.


 * Louise: That's gotta be the food critic!
 * Bob: A Civil War reenactor?
 * Louise: Ugh, I can't stand all that drab grey. No wonder they lost!


 * Tina: Time for the charm bomb to explode.


 * Gene: It's him! It's the Moody Foodie!
 * Bob: Gene, that's Mike the mailman. You've seen him every day for the last five years.
 * Gene: It's the long con!
 * Tina: [pointing at Gene] It's him!
 * Bob: Tina, that's Gene.
 * Tina: Long con!

Bad Tina [2.08]

 * Gene: What kind of a maniac wakes up an hour early to write erotic fanfiction?!
 * Tina: Me.
 * Louise: Are there any shows or movies left in the world that you haven't perved up?
 * Tina: No. That's why I've started writing erotic friend fiction, using people at school. And zombies.
 * Gene: Oh! Do the janitor and the vice principal! I think they'd have beautiful children!
 * Tina: I did, and they don't.


 * Tina: Detention is no big deal, Mom. Don't have a crap attack.
 * [Dramatic music]
 * Linda: What did you just say?!
 * Tina: A crap attack? Don't... have one?
 * [Dramatic music]
 * Linda: Don't you tell me not to have a crap attack! I'll have a crap attack anytime I want! Now go to your room!
 * Tina: This is such a snoregasm. [leaves]
 * Linda: Huh! What the hell was that about?
 * Louise: What is it?
 * Bob: A "crap attack"?
 * Louis: Yeah.
 * Bob: I don't know. [to Linda] Do you?
 * Linda: Don't look at me!
 * Louise: Well, you're the one that wanted to have one.
 * Bob: You're the one that sent her into her room for saying it.
 * Linda: I don't know what these kids are saying!
 * Bob: ... "Don't have a crap attack!" [chuckles]
 * Louise and Gene: HAAAAAAA!!!
 * Linda: Nice, Bob. Nice.
 * [Louise giggles]


 * Linda: I can't believe Tina got detention! She's changing, Bobby. Tina's turning into a teen!
 * Louise: You've lost her, Mom. Time to focus on your good daughter - Gene!
 * Gene: I'm pretty!
 * Bob: You know, maybe you're overreacting, Lin. I mean, you did have a crap attack.
 * Louise: HAAAAAA!!!


 * Tammy: I did a booze cruise through your living room!

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 * Andy: Cool, Mom packed tampons for lunch!
 * Ollie: Oooh, share!

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 * Tammy: [pointing at Tina] You're a freak! [kids laugh, Tammy farts]
 * Louise: TAMMY FARTED!
 * Gene: Oh my God, my ears can smell it! [backs away pointing at Tammy] Laugh-fart, laugh-fart!
 * [Kids point and laugh]
 * Zeke: Tammy made a blammy! Ha ha ha, gross!
 * Tammy: No, it— I didn't do it, it wasn't my butt! [farts] That wasn't me! [farts, cries, and runs away] No, no, it wasn't me. Ow, ow! That one hurt.

Beefsquatch [2.09]

 * Tina: Bob, Gene, look at yourselves; you're father and son! You're supposed to love each other, not kill each other; this isn't the Bible!