Bob's Burgers (season 3)


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Bob's Burgers is an American adult animated sitcom created by Loren Bouchard for Fox. The series centers on the Belchers—parents Bob and Linda, and their children Tina, Gene, and Louise—who run a hamburger restaurant.

Ear-sy Rider [3.01]

 * Tina: You don't want to mess with my sister. She'll wear down your self-esteem over a period of years.


 * Dr. Bush: What's your name?
 * Mudflap: Mudflap.
 * Dr. Bush: Oh, Mudflap, uh... that was my grandmother's name.
 * Mudflap: Really?
 * Dr. Bush: No. No, you're named after a dirty part of a truck.


 * Mrs. Bush: I don't know how Mudflap is doing this without an epidural. If I hadn't had one with Logan...
 * Gene: Tell me about it! [Pointing at Tina and Louise] Those two: piece of cake. [Pointing at Gene] That one: the whole cake.


 * Teddy: Someone threw a snow cone at my windshield. I thought I hit a rainbow. It was terrifying.

Full Bars [3.02]

 * Linda: There's my little candy corns! Ooh! Sad Wolverine! Scary, and sad.
 * Louise: I'm Edward Scissorhands, Mom.
 * Bob: Uh, I'm not sure about you walking around with scissors all night, Louise.
 * Linda: [holding up spoons] Why don't you be Edward Spoonhands?
 * Louise: [uses her scissors to grab them and toss them away] Get real. It's Halloween, not Hallowuss.
 * Linda: And Tina's a mummy! Sexy!
 * Tina: [wrapped in toilet paper, holding a baby doll] Last year I was a mummy. This year, I'm a mommy mummy. And I'm single, and I'm working two jobs, and I'm just trying to get back out there.
 * Bob: Tina, you have to put your costume back on the roll tomorrow. I'm not losing that much TP.
 * Tina: Okay.
 * [Gene clears his throat]
 * Linda: Oh, and Gene looks great, too! Wait, what are you, hon?
 * Gene: I'm rapper/actress Queen Latifah from her "U.N.I.T.Y." phase.
 * Linda: Oh god, so specific and political, I love it!


 * Gene: Where are we?
 * Louise: I think it's a country club.
 * Tina: It's like a huge miniature golf course!
 * Gene: The windmills are going to be enormous!


 * Ticket seller: Oh, those kids are really getting it. I remember Hell Hunt.  Still can't stand the sight of eggs.  Won't eat 'em, won't touch 'em.
 * Gene: What about a nice egg salad?
 * Ticket seller: No more egg talk!
 * Gene: Yes more egg talk!
 * Ticket seller: Ahh!
 * Gene: Eggs!


 * Louise: Tina, come on.
 * Tina: But Milo and Ned are back there, and they need us.
 * [pained screaming is heard in the distance]
 * Gene: Do they, though?
 * Louise: Tina, this isn't our fight! Do you really want to stay here and get pee-ballooned?
 * Gene: Yeah. I can pee on myself, I don't need any handouts!
 * Tina: Listen, this town gave us the best candy we've ever seen. We owe it to them to go back.
 * Gene: Great. Now my candy tastes like guilt.
 * Louise: Augh, FINE! We'll go back and save Milo and what's-his-face, but I get to slap Gene!
 * Tina: That's fair.
 * [Louise slaps Gene across the face]

Bob Fires the Kids [3.03]

 * Tina: If you think about it any box could have vibrators in it.


 * [Refrigerator groans]
 * Bob: Tina?


 * Stoner Guy: Hey, Blueberry Girl. You got any extra blueberries?
 * Tina: (Pushing him away) No! And don't come here again. My parents don't know I deliver blueberries. Do you get it?
 * Stoner Guy: Okay...
 * Tina: (Suddenly more forceful) No, do you get it!? Don't. Come here. Again.


 * Gene: We all said things we didn't mean. You said, "You're fired." You did not mean that. It sounded very insincere as I remember, and I was like, "Noooo."


 * Gene: We're working girls now!
 * Man: You're a girl?
 * Gene: Yes!
 * Bob: No he's not.
 * Gene: Yes I am!
 * Bob: You're not a girl!
 * Gene: Tell that to my vagina!

Mutiny On The Windbreaker [3.04]

 * Duval: My replacement. I hope you have a hairnet for your face and arms.
 * Bob: I'm not replacing you. I'm just cooking one meal for one night for the Captain's table.
 * Duval: You remind me of me, back when I was the Captain's special guest chef for "just one night"... 56 voyages ago!
 * [dramatic tone plays]
 * Duval: Ah, there's the dinner rolls.
 * Bob: Why does your timer sound like that?
 * Duval: [angrily] It's French!
 * [dramatic tone plays]


 * Gene: [addressing a large pot] Duval, is that you in there?
 * Duval: [from the pot] No one's in this pot. Go away. I am the spaghetti.

An Indecent Thanksgiving Proposal [3.05]

 * [Bob is talking to frozen turkeys at the store]
 * Gene: Yeah, it's a little weird, but it's his selection process.
 * Tina: It's like The Bachelor, except at the end, the one he chooses gets eaten.
 * Louise: That's what happens on the real Bachelor, too. They just don't show it on camera.


 * Gene: If you wanna wreck your home, buy a bunch of mice like a normal person.


 * Mr. Fischoeder: She left me for a married oil magnate. And then a married movie magnate.
 * Tina: She's a magnate magnet.


 * Louise: Why does it have to be Thanksgiving, Father? I want it to be Father's Day. Every day!
 * [As Mr. Fischoeder passes her a ticket, Gene comes over to pour water in his cup.]
 * Gene: Here you go, Father! You must be dehydrated from being too awesome!
 * Mr. Fischoeder: [passes ticket] Take it down a notch.
 * Tina: Hey, do you remember that thing that we did together that was really fun?
 * Mr. Fischoeder: That's pathetic.


 * Mr. Fischoeder: We're going to do this amusement park style. Every time you do well, you get a ticket. The one with the most tickets at the end of the night wins a prize!
 * Louise: The only prize I need is your love, Father.
 * Mr. Fischoeder: [handing Louise a ticket] And we're off and running!

The Deepening [3.06]

 * Louise: We're adrenaline junkies. We like our rides pure, uncut, and assembled in Meh-hi-co!


 * Bob: You remember "The Deepening", right?
 * Teddy: Remember it? I was in it! I was Handsome Lifeguard Number 3!
 * [Everyone stares at him.]
 * Teddy: What?
 * Bob: It's just that we're looking at the "after" here. It's kinda hard to picture the "before".
 * Gene: Bob!

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 * Gene: That shark made me so scared of the water that I spent the whole summer standing up to bee. Then I got into the habit. I like it.

Tina-Rannosaurus Wrecks [3.07]

 * [Tina has crashed into a parked car]
 * Bob: Oh my god, it's bad...
 * Tina: I ruined the car!
 * Bob: You did. You really did. Okay. Uh, well, that's... ugh. Well, there doesn't seem to be any damage to the other car.
 * Tina: No, I see a dent! There's a dent!
 * Bob: That's a ding. Not even. It's like a little scratch.
 * Tina: No, it's a dent!
 * Bob: All right, we'll leave a note. [pause] You know, then again, for all we know, that was probably already there, right?
 * Tina: We have to leave a note! We have to leave a note!
 * Bob: Okay, okay! You're so honest. Who raised you?
 * Tina: I don't know!
 * Bob: Da-- it was me. I did.

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 * Bob: Tina, why are you wearing a hairnet?
 * Tina: Because stress is making my hair fall out! Look at me!
 * [She removes the hairnet; her hair is the same as always]
 * Bob: Tina, you have the fullest head of hair in the family. I would kill for that hairline.
 * Tina: I believe you would!

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 * Tina: Do I have a boyfriend in this scenario?
 * Bob: Uh, we should probably just stick to the necessary facts.
 * Tina: Oh, okay.
 * Bob: Fine, all right, you have a secret boyfriend in this scenario, one that you can't ever talk about.
 * Tina: What's his name?
 * Bob: Um, Sebastian.
 * Tina: He plays lacrosse. And he loves me.
 * Bob: Mm-hmm.
 * Tina: But he loves lacrosse more.
 * Bob: Uh, yeah.
 * Tina: How long is his hair?
 * Bob: I-I-I don't know. But it's greasy.
 * Tina: [throwing her head back in bliss] Yes.

The Unbearable Like-Likeness of Gene [3.08]

 * Louise: Geez, Courtney. Take a chill pill.
 * [Courtney's friends gasp]
 * Courtney: It's okay, it's okay. [to Louise] I will take a chill pill. I will. Because I have a congenital heart condition and I take them every day.
 * Gene: I had shingles once.
 * Tina: I have a cut on my leg.
 * Rupa: Those things aren't congenital.
 * [The school bell rings]
 * Gene: Show's over. Time to get our congenitals to class!

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 * Louise: Puberty, puberty, puberty. That's all I hear when you guys talk!

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 * Gene: You should know when you hold hands with me, you're holding hands with everything I've ever eaten.

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 * Gene: My life is more difficult than anyone else's on the planet, and yes I'm including starving children, so don't ask!

God Rest Ye Merry Gentle-Mannequins [3.09]
"Louise: Speaking of Christmas, here is my annual list of demands.""Bob: 'My own apartment.'""Louise: And it can not be a studio. You have exactly 7 shopping days to comply. If it rolls into day 8, there will be tears and violence."<hr width="50%" />"Bob: Hey a bunch of presents don't matter. Christmas is isn't all about getting stuff.""Louise: Yes it is! Take it back, take it back!"<hr width="50%" />"Bob: From the law firm of Banff, Bostwick & Biel.""Louise: Aah! Santa's suing us!"<hr width="50%" />"Bob: Huh, I haven't talked to Uncle Ernie in years.""Gene: 'Talking to Uncle Ernie' would be a great code for going a poop.""Bob: Gene, he just died.""Gene: It's a fitting tribute!"""

Mother Daughter Laser Razor [3.10]

 * (Linda tries to join the kids' game with Bob)
 * Louise: Mom, it's over. You "Momed" it all up.
 * Bob: Uh-oh.
 * Linda: What's that supposed to mean? Dad's here! Did he "Dad" it all up?
 * Louise: Yeah, but that's a good thing!
 * Linda: Fine! I don't wanna play your dumb little game anyway.
 * Louise: Well that's 'cause you suck at it!
 * (Linda gasps)
 * Gene: Uh-oh.
 * Tina: Ouch.
 * Bob: Oh, God.
 * Linda: Don't you talk to me that way, Miss Smart-Mouth! You just bought yourself a ticket to your room!
 * Louise: (storming off) Oh, fine! Best money I ever spent! You can't ruin anything in there!

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 * Linda: You know, you're gonna need your mother some day! Who's gonna shave your legs, huh?
 * Louise: No one! I'm gonna grow them out all long and scraggly! [leaves, then comes back] I want to look like a torso on two tumbleweeds! [leaves, then comes back again] And I'm gonna learn about sex from television, SO I DON'T NEED THAT FROM YOU EITHER!

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 * Bob: Gene, why are you making noises?
 * Gene: They're jealousy noises! You got your legs waxed and I didn't!
 * Bob: You don't even have leg hairs.
 * Gene: Tell that to my heart!

Nude Beach [3.11]

 * Daryl: Look through the tube, see some boob! Show some green, see some peen!

Broadcast Wagstaff School News [3.12]

 * Gene: What's the point of clinging to this, [gestures to himself] if I'm doomed to be that? [points at Bob]
 * Gene: Huh. I don't know.
 * Bob: Lin...
 * Gene: Why wait? Let's do it now! I want the whole Bob! Male-pattern baldness...
 * Bob: Hmm.
 * Gene: ...stooped shoulders...
 * Bob: Stop.
 * Gene: ...paunch...
 * Bob: Please.
 * Gene: ...and the push broom on my lip.
 * Bob: This is incredibly insulting.
 * Gene: Think about how I feel! You really let myself go!

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 * Tammy: Our top story: Lenny DeStefano. Is there enough of him to go around, and how can we ration our passion? Jocelyn, who is Lenny asking to the Winter Prom?
 * Jocelyn: No one knows, but he has been texting the entire drill team. And me.
 * Tammy: And me also.
 * Jocelyn: [Offscreen] Aw.

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 * Gene: I've been tarred and Bobbed!

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 * Tina: Why'd you do it, Zeke?
 * Zeke: Well, the first time was an accident. But the second time was for fun. Then accident, fun, fun, another accident, three funs in a row, then after that, I was doing it for you, Tina.

My Fuzzy Valentine [3.13]

 * Tina: My heart was murdered by the word "from." No one says "I from you!"

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 * The Belchers' seat-belt song...
 * Bob and the Kids: Buckle it up, Buckle it up, Buckle it up or you'll die!

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 * Bob and Linda: (singing) Two people, together forever
 * Security in life
 * And someone to love ya!
 * Instead of being all alone
 * Such a lonely existence
 * I'd kill myself!
 * Teddy: Tough song. She's talkin' about us, Mort.

Lindapendent Woman [3.14]

 * Bob: We'll have to cut down on expenses. What can we live without?
 * Louise: Probably Gene and Tina.
 * Bob: That's a good start.
 * Gene: Huh. Well that makes the things I was gonna cut irrelevant.

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 * Louise: I made it rain shrimp! What did you ever do?

O.T.: The Outside Toilet [3.15]

 * Mr. Frond assigns flour-sack babies to the boys in the class.
 * Mr. Frond: Let's have all the fathers come up and assume responsibility for their reckless behavior!

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 * Bob fights a parking ticket...
 * Gene: Well, Your Honor, I couldn't see the meter because there was a kid standing in front of it. And he was exactly....meter-sized...

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 * Gene: I'm gonna go bet my sisters that there isn't a talking toilet in the woods. That's what we call easy money!
 * Toilet: Loading artist Eddie Money.
 * (Eddie Money's "Baby Hold On" begins to play)
 * Gene: No, no, no! Cancel! Undo!

Topsy [3.16]

 * (The Belcher kids discover Thomas Edison's "Electrocuting an Elephant" film online.)
 * Gene: Ooh, an elephant! I'll bet she sneezes and it's adorable!
 * (In the video, Topsy is electrocuted and falls over dead.)
 * Tina, Gene, Louise: Aaahhhhhh!
 * Gene: What was that!? Play it again, play it again!
 * (Louise replays the video.)
 * Tina, Gene, Louise: Aaahhhhh!
 * Louise: It was electrocuted! To death! On purpose! In public! By Thomas Edison!
 * Gene: What is he, a super villain?

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 * Louise: Oh, hello, Mr. Dinkler. What a day for science, eh?
 * Teddy: Louise give me the word when you want me to hit the switch.
 * Mr. Dinkler: I know what you're up to you hooligan. Jeremy saw everything last night.
 * Louise: Oh you son of a snitch! What's your favorite movie? Squeal Magnolias?
 * Jeremy: War Horse.
 * Mr. Dinkler: You're trying to sully Edison's good name, and nobody messes with my man, Tom. That's it you're banned.

Two for Tina [3.17]

 * Tina: Awww, Bobby! That's what I love about you. All your sad stories.

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 * Louise: Remember, Tina - a nerd in the hand is worth...not really that much. Never mind.

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 * (Tina can't decide who she wants to go to the dance with. She imagines Josh and Jimmy Jr. dancing to persuade her)
 * Josh: Choose me, Tina! I asked you first!
 * Jimmy Jr.: But you asked me first!
 * Josh: We've got chemistry!
 * Jimmy Jr.: I've got a butt. Look at it!
 * Josh: I asked you and only you.
 * Jimmy Jr.: As far as you know.
 * Tina: What?
 * Jimmy Jr.: He said, "As far as you know!"
 * Josh: I didn't say it. You said it!
 * Jimmy Jr.: Don't worry about who said it. Just watch the butt!

It Snakes a Village [3.18]

 * Zeke: You saved us, Gene. I owe you my life.
 * Gene: No thanks. I've seen it, and I'm not impressed!

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 * Gene: [singing] I'm not afraid of ghosts,
 * I'm not afraid of sharks,
 * I'm not afraid of cancer,
 * I'm just afraid of snakes!
 * They really creep me out!
 * Where are their arms and legs?!
 * It's not okay!

Family Fracas [3.19]

 * (The Belchers are in the car, which Bob can't get started.)
 * Louise: Can we roll down the windows? I'm starting to breathe in Tina's breath.
 * Tina: I think I forgot to brush this morning. Did I?
 * (She breathes in Louise's face.)
 * Louise: Yeah. Yeah, you did.

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 * Louise: Can we just go already? Gene took off his shoes!
 * Gene: And my socks!
 * Louise: Eww! Why don't you wash your children!?

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 * Tina: Your ass is grass. And I'm gonna mow it.

The Kids Run The Restaurant [3.20]

 * Bob: This is a big weekend for us. It's Fleet Week.
 * Gene: Yay! Feet Week!
 * Bob: No, Fleet Week. Why would there be a "Feet Week?"
 * Gene: I don't know. There's Arbor Day. Who needs that?

Boyz 4 Now [3.21]

 * [Boyz 4 Now sing in their music video:]
 * Allen: I'm mining the cave for love.
 * Boo Boo: Don't care about the world above.
 * Griffin: Down here it's dark and cold.
 * Matt: I'm just lookin' for a nugget of gold.
 * Griffin: My hat is hard but my heart is soft.
 * Matt: It's dusty down here and so I cough.
 * Allen: Cough cough.
 * All: It's a dirty job, but I ain't stopping.
 * Griffin: I know I'm breathin' toxins but you're lookin' foxy.
 * Allen: Will you be mine?
 * All: Coal mine
 * Allen: Will you be mine?
 * All: Diamond—
 * [Louise turns the TV off]
 * Tina: Hey, I was watching that!
 * Louise: Bad enough I'm being forced to go to their concert. It's like I'm going to the electric chair and you're making me watch videos of the electric chair.

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 * Bob: Start making piles of stuff that could go together.
 * Linda: Uh... Okay, I got one! Lipstick, pepper spray, tiny baby carrots.
 * Bob: What's the theme?
 * Linda: "Woman of the Night!" She gets dressed up, she kills a john, she has a snack!
 * Bob: Uh, let's keep making piles.

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 * [Louise has a crush on Boo Boo.]
 * Tina: I'm going to help you through this. Tell me what you like about Boo Boo.
 * Louise: Nothing. Everything. I don't know!
 * Tina: Do you like his hair?
 * Louise: You mean those soft blonde bangs you wanna hide under like an umbrella on a rainy day? No. Not really.
 * Tina: And his face?
 * Louise: Ew, gross, it's so gorgeous, I just wanna slap it, I just wanna slap it, I just wanna slap his hideous, beautiful face!
 * Tina: Um, you mean "kiss?"
 * Louise: No, I mean "slap."
 * Tina: Woah. You got it bad, girl.

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 * Louise: Cute? He's the reason faces were invented, you idiot!

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 * Tina: I'm no hero. I put my bra on one boob at a time like everyone else.

Carpe Museum [3.22]

 * Bob: Hey, sometimes good things come from boredom. Like Gene.
 * Gene: Thank you!
 * Bob: And Tina.
 * Tina: [fist-bumps him] Pow.

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 * Louise: Hey, Mr. Frond! Why did the chicken cross the road?
 * Mr. Frond: I don't know, Louise. Why?
 * Louise: So he would be in a different school district where there was a different guidance counselor!
 * [Regular-Sized Rudy clashes his cymbals]
 * Bob: Louise—
 * Louise: What?
 * Bob: Don't say that... here.
 * Louise: It's fine, I'm out of material.

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 * Regular-Sized Rudy: (having an asthma attack) Fun hurts my lungs...

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 * Regular-Sized Rudy: (To his inhaler) Oh, I hate you. But I love air. So I guess we're stuck together.

The Unnatural [3.23]

 * Tina: I love espresso, coffee, caffeinated teas, and then Jimmy Jr. In that order.

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 * Bob: You don't even know if this Deuce is legit!
 * Linda: He has a website!
 * Louise: Yeah, they don't just give those out.
 * Bob: We're going down there and we're coming back with our money.
 * Linda: Or with a really good baseball player!
 * Louise: I hope neither of you are getting your hopes up.

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 * Gene: He gave us his magic, and then he disappeared. Just like Toad the Wet Sprocket.