Brian Regan (comedian)

Brian Joseph Regan (born 2 June 1958) is an American stand-up comedian who uses observational, sarcastic, and self-deprecating humor. His performances are relatively clean as he refrains from profanity and off-color humor.

Brian Regan Live (1997)

 * Uh... I don't know. I'd be a lot better off, if I would've studied more, when I was growing up, you know? But, you know, the day where it all went wrong, was the day they started the spelling bee.
 * 'Cause up until that day, I was an idiot, but nobody else knew, you know?
 * Then the spelling bee day, you know, popped up.
 * "Alright kids, up against the wall. It's time for public humiliation. |teacher
 * Spell a word wrong, sit down in front of your friends." Yeah, that's great for little egos:|Brian
 * "Hey, look at me, I'm a moron!|kid
 * I wasn't even close! I was using numbers, and stuff!"|kid
 * That's why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong, on purpose, so he could sit down, you know|Brian
 * He knew he wasn't going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours?|Brian
 * First round,'Cat' |teacher
 * "K-A-T, I'm outta here." |Kid
 * Then, as he passed you, |Brian
 * "I know there's two 'T's!" |kid


 * "Brian, what's the 'I before E' rule?" |teacher
 * Um... I before E... ALWAYS. |Brian
 * "What are you, an idiot, Brian?" |teacher
 * Apparently! |Brain
 * So, she says, "No, Brian, it's I before E, EXCEPT after C, AND when sounding like A, as in neighbor, and weigh, and on weekends, and holidays, and all throughout May, and you'll always be wrong NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!" |teacher
 * That's a hard rule. That's a— that's a rough rule. |Brian
 * Plurals were hard, too. |Brian
 * "Brian, how do you make a word a plural?" |teacher
 * Um... You put a 'S'… you- you add an ‘S’ at the end of it. | Brian
 * "When?" |teacher
 * Uuhhhh... On weekends, and holidays, and,... |Brian
 * "No, Brian. No, let me show you.” |teacher
 * So, she asks this kid, who knew everything, Irwin. |Brian
 * “Irwin! Irwin, what is the plural for ox?" |teacher
 * 'Oxen. The farmer used his oxen.' |Irwin
 * "Brian?" | teacher
 * (chuckling) What? | Brian
 * "Brian, what’s the plural for box?" |teacher
 * Boxen. I bought 2 boxen of doughnuts. |Brian
 * "No, Brian, no... Let's try another one. Irwin, what's the plural for goose?" |teacher
 * 'Geese. I saw a flock... of geese.' | Irwin
 * "Brian!" | teacher
 * (Chuckling)'Wha-at? | Brian
 * "Brian, what's the plural for MOOSE?" |teacher
 * MOOSEN! I saw a flock of moosen! There were many of 'em. Many much, moosen. Out in the woods—in the woodes—in the woodsen. The meese want the food. Food is to eatenesen! THE MEESE WANT THE FOOD IN THE WOODENESEN! AND THE FOOD IN THE WOODYENESEN! |Brian
 * "BRIAN! Brian... You're an imbecile." | teacher
 * Imbecilon! |Brian
 * "What are you speaking, German, Brian?" | teacher
 * "German, Jermaine! Jermaine, Jackson! Jackson Five! Tito!
 * "Brian, what the hell are you talking about!?" |Teacher
 * I don't know. I don't know, really... |Brian