Bridesmaids (2011 film)

Bridesmaids is a 2011 comedy film in which competition between the maid of honor and a bridesmaid, over who is the bride's best friend, threatens to upend the life of an out-of-work pastry chef.
 * Directed by Paul Feig. Written by Annie Mumolo and Kristen Wiig.

Annie Walker

 * You're really doing it, aren't ya? You're shitting in the street!

Megan Price

 * It's coming out of me like lava!


 * This is some classy sh-... [burp] I want to apologize. I'm not even confident on which end that came out of.


 * I don't associate with people who blame the world for their problems. You are your problem. You are also your solution.

Officer Rhodes

 * Do you want to tell a cop about it? We're just like priests except we would tell everybody afterwards.

Ted

 * [to Annie, after sex] This is so awkward. I really want you to leave, but I don't know how to say it without sounding like a dick.

Dialogue

 * Annie: [having sex] I'm glad you called.
 * Ted: I'm so glad you were free.
 * Annie: I love your eyes.
 * Ted: Cup my balls.


 * Lillian: This is Dougie's sister Megan.
 * Megan: You must be Annie's fella?
 * Annie: I'm not - he's not - I'm not with him.
 * Megan: I'm glad he's single, 'cause I'm gonna climb that like a tree.


 * Lillian: You remember my cousin, Rita.
 * Annie: Rita!
 * Rita: [hugs Annie] Annie, I haven't seen you since you graduated high school.
 * Lillian: She has three kids now.
 * Rita: Three boys.
 * Lillian: They're so cute.
 * Rita: They are cute, but when they reach that age, ugh. Disgusting. They smell, they're sticky, they say things that are horrible, and there is semen all over everything. Disgusting. I cracked a BLANKET in half. Do you get where I'm going with this?
 * Annie: I do, yeah.
 * Rita: [gesturing] I cracked it in HALF.


 * Rita: What are we doing for the bachelorette party?
 * Becca: What about like, a princess theme?
 * Helen: Versace meets the Gold Rush.
 * Rita: I'm thinking tanned gentlemen that swallow fire and wear sarongs.
 * Megan: Female fight club. We grease up - surprise! Beat the crap out of her.
 * Rita: I don't hate it---
 * Helen: Vegas it is.


 * Flight Attendant: Miss!?
 * Annie: Um...No...It's not me.
 * Flight Attendant: Yes, it is you. Please go back to your seat.
 * Annie: Yes I'm with him. I'm uh...I'm Mrs. Igles...I'm Mrs. Iglesias.
 * Flight Attendant: Uh no you're not. You were just out here and you put sunglasses on. Out.
 * Annie: But I don't want to...
 * Helen: Sir, she can have my seat okay. Everyone should experience first class at least once in their lives and Annie shouldn't miss out just because she can't afford it.
 * Flight Attendant: No ma'am. I'm afraid that's not allowed.
 * Annie: Help me, I'm poor.


 * Flight Attendant Steve: You have 3 seconds to get back to your seat.
 * Annie: No one can get anywhere in 3 seconds. You're setting me up for a loss already.
 * Annie: Whatever you say 'Stove'.
 * Flight Attendant Steve: It's Steve.
 * Annie: 'Stove' what kind of a name is that?
 * Flight Attendant Steve: That's not a name. My name is Steve.
 * Annie: Are you an appliance?
 * Flight Attendant Steve: No I am a man, and my name is Steve.
 * Annie: You're a flight attendant.
 * Flight Attendant Steve: That is, absolutely accurate. You can close that.
 * Flight Attendant Steve: That is, absolutely accurate. You can close that.


 * Annie: You read my diary?
 * Brynn: At first I did not know it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.


 * Helen: Oh Annie, these are my kids.
 * Girl: Step kids. Step.
 * Helen: [laughing] They are so hilarious! Excuse me, my husband's kids. What are you guys up to?
 * Girl: Going to the snack bar.
 * Helen: Awesome. You need a ride home later?
 * Boy: Fuck off Helen. [walks off]
 * Helen: Okay. Put a quarter in the swear jar. Good to see ya. [turns to Annie] So cute.
 * Annie: [nodding] Sweet kids.


 * 13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: You're weird.
 * Annie: I'm not weird. OK?
 * 13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: Yes, you are.
 * Annie: No, I'm not! And you started it.
 * 13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: No, you started it! Did you forget to take your Xanax this morning?
 * Annie: Oh, I feel bad for your parents.
 * 13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: I feel bad for your face.
 * Annie: OK... well, call me when your boobs come in.
 * 13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: You call me when yours come in.
 * Annie: What do you have, four boyfriends?
 * 13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: Exactly.
 * Annie: OK... yeah, have fun having a baby at your prom.
 * 13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: You look like an old mop.
 * Annie: You know, you're not as popular as you think you are.
 * 13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: I am very popular.
 * Annie: [sticks tongue in cheek and mimics fellatio] Oh, I'm sure you are... very... popular.
 * 13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: Well, you're an old, single loser who's never going to have any friends.
 * Annie: You're a little cunt!


 * Annie: Are you fucking kidding me?
 * Annie's Mom: Annie?
 * Annie: No, mom. Mother fucking Paris? I told you about Paris, Helen! I told you about this whole idea!
 * Lillian: Annie, calm down...
 * Annie: No, Lillian! What are you gonna go, you're gonna go to Paris with Helen now? What are you gonna, you guys gonna ride around on bikes with berets and fucking baguettes in the basket on the front of your bikes? Oh how romantic! What woman gives another woman a trip to Paris? Am I right? Lesbian! We're all thinking it, aren't we?
 * Becca: [quickly] I'm not.
 * Megan: I was.
 * Annie: Okay! Yes, we're all thinking it, right?
 * Annie's Mom: Annie...
 * Annie: Lillian, this is not the you that I know! The you that I know would have walked in here and rolled your eyes and would have thought that this was completely over the top, ridiculous, and stupid! Look at this shower! Look at that fucking cookie! Did you really think that this group of women was gonna finish that cookie? Really, and you know that reminds me actually; I never got a chance to try that fucking cookie!
 * [storms off]


 * Lillian: You know what? This is supposed to be about my time. You have managed to ruin every event in my wedding, thank you very much.
 * Annie: Okay well thank YOU very much. It's all her fault! It is not mine! And you would know that if you got your beautiful haired head out of your asshole. In fact, out of HER asshole. Which I'm sure, is perfectly bleached!
 * Lillian: You know what? IT IS!! And you know how I know? Because I went to the fucking salon with her! And I got MY asshole bleached too!! And I LOVE my new asshole!

Cast

 * Kristen Wiig - Annie Walker
 * Maya Rudolph - Lillian Donovan
 * Rose Byrne - Helen Harris III
 * Melissa McCarthy - Megan Price
 * Wendi McLendon-Covey - Rita
 * Ellie Kemper - Becca
 * Chris O'Dowd - Officer Rhodes
 * Jill Clayburgh - Annie's mother
 * Jon Hamm - Ted (uncredited)
 * Rebel Wilson - Brynn
 * Matt Lucas - Gil
 * Andy Buckley - Perry Harris
 * Jessica St. Clair - Whitney
 * Melanie Hutsell - Carol
 * Michael Hitchcock - Don
 * Tim Heidecker - Doug Price