Brighton Beach Memoirs

Brighton Beach Memoirs is a semi-autobiographical play written by Neil Simon. It premiered on Broadway in 1983.

Eugene Jerome

 * Eugene Morris Jerome...It is the second worst name ever given to a male child. The first worst is Haskell Fleischmann...
 * If only I was born Italian...All the best Yankees are Italian...My mother makes spaghetti with ketchup, what chance do I have?
 * I felt her chest! When she grabbed me, I felt my first chest!
 * Attention, ladies and gentlemen! Today's game will be delayed because of my aunt Blanche's headache...
 * I love tense moments! Especially when I'm not the one they're all tense about.
 * If I had a choice between a tryout with the Yankees and actually seeing her [Nora's] bare breasts for two and a half seconds, I would have some serious thinking to do...
 * (On his father) "He was born at the age of forty-two...
 * It started out like a murder mystery in Blenheim castle. No one said a word, but everyone looked suspicious...It was so quiet, you could hear Laurie's soup going down her esophagus.
 * The tension in the air was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. Which is more than I could say for the liver."
 * It's amazing how quickly you recover from misery when someone offers you ice cream.
 * How am I going to become a writer if I don't know how to suffer? Actually, I'd give up writing if I could see a naked girl while I was eating ice cream.
 * You don't get too far talking to Laurie. Sometimes I think the flutter in her heart is actually in her brain.
 * A momentous moment in the life of I, Eugene Morris Jerome. I have seen the Golden Palace of the Himalayas.... Puberty is over. Onwards and upwards!
 * If my mother taught logic in high school, this would be some weird country
 * It was (he whispers)- cancer! I think they're afraid if they if they said it out loud, G*d would say,"I HEARD THAT! YOU SAID THE DREAD DISEASE! (he points his finger down) JUST FOR THAT, I SMITE YOU WITH IT!"

Kate Jerome

 * Your father will give you plenty of stuff when he gets home!
 * Stay on your own side of the street. That's what they have gutters for.
 * From your lips to the Irish sweepstakes...
 * I never voted before in my life, why should I start with my own family?
 * STOP THAT YELLING! I HAVE A CAKE IN THE OVEN!
 * This is a family. The world doesn't survive without families...
 * You know me. I'm not happy unless I an worry. My family were worriers. Worriers generally marry fainters.
 * Pearls are like people. They like to go out and be seen once in a while.
 * Do you think you're the only one in this world who has troubles? We all have troubles. We all get our equal share.
 * How many beatings from Momma did I get from things that you did? How many dresses did I go without so that you could look like someone when you went out? I was the workhorse and you were the pretty one. You have no right to talk to me like that. No right.
 * To me good friends are strangers. But sisters are sisters.

Blanche Morton

 * Dancing is just for a few years. A diploma is forever.
 * When have the Jews and the Irish ever fought a war?
 * But mostly, you live for your children. Your children keep you going.
 * Sure, it hurts, but if you love someone, you forgive them.
 * You earn your independence. You don't take it at the expense of others.
 * Believe me, there is no leg that's twisted or bent that is more crippling than a human being who thrives of his own misfortunes...
 * I am tired of apologizing. After a while it becomes your life's work and it doesn't bring any money into the house.
 * I've already buried someone I love. Now it's time to bury someone I hate.

Laurie Morton

 * I'm staring into space. I can't help it if your body interferes.
 * I had to chop the ice. I'm all out of breath.

Stanley Jerome

 * How'd you like an official American League Baseball in your mouth?
 * Let me give you a piece of advice: When you're going through puberty, don't start with anyone in your own house.
 * Her breasts were gorgeous. Like two peaches hanging on the the vine waiting to be plucked...Maybe nectarines. Like two nectarines, all soft and pink and shining in the morning sun...
 * Every time I get in trouble, I have to tell you what a naked girl looks like?...Do me a favor, Eugene. Go in the bathroom, whack off, and grow up by yourself.
 * If you ever write a story about me, call me Hank. I always liked the name Hank.

Nora Morton

 * Sit down, mom, because I don't want you fainting on the floor.
 * I'm going to be in a Broadway show!
 * Then I found his coat in Mom's closet and I put my hand in the pocket. And everything was gone. It was emptied and dry-cleaned and it felt cold...And that's when I knew he was really dead.

Jack Jerome

 * At his funeral i'll put on a pointy hat and blow a horn, the bastard!
 * If you're Jewish, you've got a cousin suffering somewhere in the world.
 * What God gives us to deal with, we deal with.
 * Me? Attractive? You really must think I'm dying, don't you?

Dialogue

 * Kate: How many times have I told you not to leave your things around the house?
 * Eugene: A hundred and nine.
 * Kate: What?
 * Eugene: You said yesterday, I told you a hundred and nine times not to leave your things around the house.


 * Kate: What would you tell your father if he came home and I was dead on the kitchen floor?
 * Eugene: I'd say, Don't go in the kitchen, Pa!


 * Laurie: Who were the Cossacks?
 * Kate: Same filthy bunch as live across the street.
 * Laurie: You mean the Murphys?
 * Kate: All of them.
 * Laurie: The Murphys are Russian?




 * Laurie: How can you be in a Broadway show? Don't you have to sing and act?
 * Nora: I can sing.
 * Laurie: No you can't.
 * Nora: A little.
 * Laurie: No, you can't.
 * Nora: I can carry a tune.
 * Laurie: No, you can't.


 * Nora:...Algebra and English isn't going to help me on the stage.
 * Laurie: Arent?


 * Kate: And get a quarter pound of butter.
 * Eugene: I bought a quarter pound of butter this morning. Why don't you buy a half pound at a time?
 * Kate: And suppose the house burned down this afternoon? Why do I need an extra quarter pound of butter?
 * Eugene: If my mother taught logic in high school, this would be some weird country.


 * Eugene: Fired? You mean for good?
 * Stan: You don't get fired temporarily. It's a lifetime firing


 * Eugene: (choking) Ma, I think I have a bone in my throat.
 * Kate: There are no bones in liver!


 * Jack: Only a four-year college education is equal to a four-year college education.
 * Stanley: I don't think Abraham Lincoln went to college.




 * Kate: You sit there and finish your liver.
 * Eugene: I can't swallow it. It won't go down. Remember the Lima Bean catastrophe last month? Does anyone want to see a repeat of that disgusting episode?
 * Jack: Why does he always talk like it's a Sherlock Holmes story?


 * Kate: Eat half of it.
 * Eugene: Which half? They're both terrible.
 * Kate: A quarter of it. Two bites.
 * Eugene: One bite.
 * Kate: Two bites.
 * Eugene: I know you. If I eat one bite, you'll make me eat another bite...I'll take it to my room. I'll eat it tonight. I need time to chew it.


 * Jack: My father always used to say, "Throw your problems out to sea and the answers will wash back up on shore."
 * Nora: Did they?
 * Jack: Not in Brighton Beach. Orange peels and watermelon pits washed up. That's why it's good to take someone who knows how to give advice.


 * Stanley: It's puberty.
 * Eugene: It's what?
 * Stanley': Puberty. You never heard that word before? You don't read books?
 * Eugene: Yeah, The Citadel by A.J. Cronin. He never mentioned puberty.


 * Eugene: What's wrong with being in love with your own cousin?
 * Stanley: Because it's against the laws of nature. If she was your stepsister, it would be dirty, but it would be okay. But you can't love your own cousin.


 * Stanley: How horny can you get?
 * Eugene: I don't know. What's the highest score?


 * Eugene: I'm not playing. I'm writing.
 * Kate: Well, do it quietly.


 * Blanche: I was never concerned about your leaving me. It was your future I was worried about.
 * Nora: It was my future. Why couldn't I have something to say about it?