Burglar (film)

Burglar is a 1987 Canadian-American comedy film directed by Hugh Wilson and distributed by Warner Bros. The film stars Whoopi Goldberg and Bobcat Goldthwait.
 * Directed by Hugh Wilson. Produced by Michael Hirsh and Kevin McCormick. Written by Jeph Loeb, Matthew Weisman and Hugh Wilson. Based on The Burglar in the Closet by Lawrence Block.

A first rate comedy about a second story woman.

Bernice "Bernie" Rhodenbarr

 * That's right, bitch, don't tell me about the alarm.
 * It's not what you steal... it's who you steal it from.
 * [listening to the loud sounds of sex] Who is this guy? [listening to even louder sounds of sex] And why don't I have his phone number?
 * [to the man who just tried to kill her by drowning] You ruined my life, my 'do, AND my Manilow tapes!

Others

 * Dr. Cynthia Sheldrake: There is a DISTINCT difference between killing someone and fucking them!
 * Carl Hefler: Did you know that policemen have the highest rate of suicide?
 * Frankie: That's not really my forte.

Dialogue

 * Bartender at Parker's on Fifth: That guy got more ass than a toilet seat!
 * Bernice: Ya know, that is beautiful.


 * Frankie: What line of work are you in?
 * Bernice: I'm a cat burglar.
 * Frankie: Oh, shit! What do you do with them?
 * Bernice: What?
 * Frankie: The cats!
 * [They both begin laughing]
 * Bernice: I hold them for ransom!
 * Frankie: Is there any money in that? [laughing] Oh, Jeezus! Look who's asking if there's any money in pussy!


 * Carl: Cause I'm a black man in a white man's world...
 * Detective Nyswander: Uhh, Mr. Hefler, you're caucasian...
 * Carl: Beautiful! Hold THAT against me too!


 * Vincent: What'll it be?
 * Carl: [walking up to the bar] Package delivery.
 * Vincent: For who?
 * Carl: It just says "Mayday".
 * Vincent: Here I'll take it.
 * Carl: Ya gotta sign for it. [passing a clipboard]
 * ''[Vincent signs and returns clipboard]
 * Carl: [reading signature] Kay-no-bee... K-noby! Is that like in Star Wars?
 * Vincent: No idiot, it's "Knobby".
 * Carl: Oh! it's... so it's like a nickname.
 * Vincent: Yes, I think maybe it's something like that. [knocking on his bald head]
 * Carl: Well I'm gonna need your full name, please.
 * Vincent: Sorry...
 * Carl: Come on, it's the regulations.
 * Vincent: Hey fuck you, okay?
 * Carl: Fuck you? Thank you very much! I come here to give you a fuckin' package and you decide to blow me shit? [getting more irate] Like-like-like-like-like-like-like you're my idea of a dream come true - takin' shit from a dildo with ears? [shouting] You know when I was like five I said, "Dad, Dad! Can I get a job where random fuckin' shitheads blow me crap all day?" I'm gonna break you in fuckin' half and use your head as a ballpoint!
 * [Carl grabs Vincent by the shirt]
 * Carl: Now sign the goddamn thing!

Cast

 * Whoopi Goldberg as Bernice Rhodenbarr.
 * Bobcat Goldthwait as Carl Hefler.
 * G.W. Bailey as Ray Kirschman.
 * Lesley Ann Warren as Dr. Cynthia Sheldrake.
 * James Handy as Carson Verrill.
 * Anne De Salvo as Detective Todras.
 * John Goodman as Detective Nyswander.
 * Elizabeth Ruscio as Frankie.


 * Vyto Ruginis as K.E. Graybow.
 * Larry Mintz as Vincent 'Knobby' DiCarno.
 * Raye Birk as The Jogger.
 * Eric Poppick as Deliveryman.
 * Scott Lincoln as Man in Cadillac.
 * Thom Bray as Shoplifter in Bookstore.
 * Ethan Phillips as Barman. (uncredited)