CNNNN

 CNNNN (Chaser NoN-Stop News Network) is an Australian television show, satirising American news channels such as CNN and Fox News.

CNNNN slogans

 * 9 11, 24 7.
 * We report, you believe.
 * Guaranteed twice as true as regular news.
 * Fighting the war on terror everyday.
 * Never compromise with terrorists. Never compromise on your coverage.
 * Bringing you other people's pain.
 * The network the whole world trusts implicitly.
 * More war than any other network.
 * Making the world safe again.
 * News with a touch of humanity.
 * 70% commercial-free.
 * Trust us. You can trust us.
 * Fighting the war on terror from from your own sofa with CNNNN.
 * No one has more news because no one has more desks.
 * Take two glasses of know-how and add a teaspoon of truth. Stir thoroughly.
 * Light on the details, so you can slam it down fast.
 * You don't mess with what's right.
 * First with the news. First with the corrections.
 * We like to call it the truth.
 * One network under God.
 * You're either with us or you're against us.
 * For 24 hour protection.
 * Zero tolerance news.
 * Your pre-emptive news network.
 * It's a brave news world.
 * Because opinion matters more than fact.
 * Now showing on Broadway.
 * Home of newstainment.
 * Now with 20% more chimp stories.
 * We will decide who makes the stories and the circumstances in which they make them.
 * Liberators of truth.
 * Hard news. Made easy.
 * Operation Enduring Entertainment.
 * We don't just cover wars, we win them.
 * The news you choose.
 * More N's than any other network.

Chris Taylor
Saddam is obviously spruikin' for a nukin'!



Plus, the necrophiliac who's accused his partner of being unresponsive in bed.



This whole cult of personality thing, I'm a little uncomfortable with it, to be honest. I mean, I'm not the story, the story is the story, I'm just the guy who happens to gather, research and write the story... and who voices and presents it, obviously... and sometimes wins awards for them. But without the story in the first place, I don't exist. And I sometimes tell my cadets, "there's no 'I' in story". I coined that. And that's why I'm with CNNNN.



When I was covering the Bangladesh floods back in '98 I met Mukesh, a fifteen-year-old boy who worked in a factory there. He was earning less than a dollar a day, had been since he was six; he'd never been to school, couldn't afford it, but he dearly wanted to learn. And that's what my job's about: Educating people who want to learn. Not Mukesh, obviously, he doesn't have a TV - but other people who want to learn. That's why I'm with CNNNN.



[on a DVD commentary over a news story about sheep being stranded on a boat at sea] I guess I felt very at home reporting this story, because I too have a boat.



Chris: Coming back to host ACA year, I agreed to do it because I had some very set ideas about where the show needed to go. That's not taking away from Mitch, I think he did a terrific job, I think he was very good for his time, but you've only got to look at some of their old promos to see just how stale the mix had become.  Old Promo: Fat kids with ADHD caught on camera - joining Lebanese gangs to perform shonky renovations! And meet Australia's fattest germ-ridden Lebanese conman builder! He gave his child breast implants - now, she wants more! Our hidden cameras reveal that she's fat! Chris: My brief was to raise the bar, leading a return to quality journalism. More hard news, more politics now - that's a pretty good brief, and I think it's already apparent just how different the show is this year. New Promo: Tonight on A Chaser Affair. When to say no: How much fat is too much fat? We ask a politician! Plus, the Lebanese plastic surgeon whose kitchen germs turned a fat kid from this, into this - and why John Howard won't do a thing! And meet the notorious conman builder preying on our miracle diet mums: A special Chris Taylor investigation! That's A Chaser Affair, tonight at 9:30 on CNNNN.

Craig Reucassel
I'm not interested in chequebook journalism, I'm all about the story. That's what's important to me. '''It's not my job to sit down with some agent and haggle over price and work out what I can and can't say. That's for my producer to sort out.''' And only then will I do the story. And that's why I'm with CNNNN.



You're watching the official Shoosh For Bush network: Just days now before the President embarks on his historic doze down under.



And coming up next, the arson squad blames a fake log fire for causing a fake house fire overnight.



Of course, for many years I did work in the field. I remember being in Somalia once and this poor, wounded kid crawled up to me - and he touched me. And I looked down, and there was a bit of blood on my suit. It was that moment that I realised: I'd prefer to work in the studio from now on. And that's why I'm with CNNNN.

Julian Morrow
Due process is ready, aim, fire.



Yeah, I remember I was at the Walkley Awards last year and Chris Masters came up to me and he said, "How can you live with yourself?" He was referring to that story I did on overweight Bali victims. And a couple of days later, I ran into someone who'd been in the Sari Club that night. She said that since seeing my story, she's down to a size twelve. I thought to myself, "You know what, Masters? That's how I can live with myself." And that's why I'm with CNNNN.



[on a DVD 'commentary on commentary' over Chris Taylor's commentary] Don't you love the way Chris makes his voice deeper for the commentary?



Yeah, a lot of people criticised us for not reporting civilian casualties. But hey, do you cover a Miss World beauty pageant by focussing on the girls who didn't win? Of course not. I think a lot of people forget the Iraq was essentially a good news story. I'm very proud of the role that we played in helping to liberating those civilians who didn't die. And that's why I'm with CNNNN.

Charles Firth
Oh, the court case didn't really bother me that much. Real people, the viewers, they don't care about that sort of stuff. They saw it for the witch hunt that it so obviously was. And even though the court did ultimately find me guilty of plagiarism, in a strange way I still felt that I'd won. Because nowhere in that judgement, did it ever say that that piece wasn't entertaining. And that's why I'm with CNNNN.



Yeah, I remember when - uh, we'd just seen this report about this little dog who could walk on his front feet. And, it was a very funny story, and everyone in the studio was just laughing - including Mike, the floor manager. And then I look up, and the next story as about 1200 people dead in Kosovo... And I just kept cracking up all the way through it. I'll never forget that dog. That's why I'm with CNNNN.



Everyone knows that 99% of kids take drugs every day.



This is the brain of a kid who took drugs. Guess what happened to him? He's now DEAD. Our investigation shows that every single drug user who's had their brain removed is now DEAD.



You may think that it doesn't apply to your kids! They may seem well-adjusted, happy and have plenty of friends. But ask yourself this: How can they be that happy all the time? It's totally unnatural! They're probably only happy because they're doped up on mowie wowie - right under your very own nose! Your kid may spend hours on their phone chatting to their friends, but how do you know they're not talking to their dealer discussing the next drop-off of a kilo of high-grade crack?

 On September 11 democracy also paid heavily. We now know the terrorists;
 * came from Tunisia, Algeria and Saudi Arabia.
 * Trained in Yemen, Sudan and Afghanistan.
 * Met in Indonesia and Malaysia.
 * Were funded through Italy and Germany.
 * And were taught to fly in America.

There can only be one response: Attack Iraq!

Why? Its leader is evil.

If this was Saddam Hussein’s heart, how black would it be? (Paint shop sales assistant looks through a colour catalogue and picks out a can of black paint. Reporter dips the heart in and holds it up.)

Now that’s a heart of darkness.

Chas Licciardello
Look, every kid has a dream. Every time a relative asks you what you want to be when you grow up, you always say the same thing. That dream, that's what drives you. That's what gets you through life. Sure, my dream was actually to be a doctor, but obviously I didn't get the marks, so that's why I'm with CNNNN.

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LAMEASS!

Woody and Becky from CNNNN Sunrise
Woody: Coming up this morning, we talk to the Prime Minister of Australia, Howard Johnson.

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Woody: [petting a kangaroo] Hey look, I found this jellybean in its pouch!

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Woody: [holding a kitten over a pot of boiling water] Now, some people say this is inhumane, but I say it's delicious!

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Woody: Now, I can't imagine how these Iraqi people must be feeling at the moment... Becky: Oh, I can! I mean, it's like when my sister came to stay at my place in '98 and I felt, like, totally invaded. Woody: Oh, yeah. Becky: Yeah, but then I realised, like, it was my own problem, that I was taking it out on her!

Newsbar items

 * Tafe lecturer still describing herself as an "academic"
 * Celebrity chef eating 2 minute noodles for dinner again
 * Cast of new Australian comedy show likely to include Glen Robbins
 * Joke is so funny it has to be sent to everyone in email address book
 * Parent suspects Bob Marley song may really be about marijuana
 * Seafood restaurant owner admits he has crabs
 * Petition of 43 munitions workers supports war in Iraq
 * Larry Emdur troubled by lingereing sense of emptiness
 * Audience worried Carlos Santana solo may never finish
 * Artwork accused of having ulterior motif
 * Labor party thrashed in national "Simon Says" championships
 * Bank of Nigeria puzzled by it's poor reputation
 * Non-Italian man uses Italian accent to order Macchiato
 * Newsbar proofreader lets gaurd down
 * No 1 dance hit ousted by almost identical track
 * Trendy dog insists on bottled toilet water
 * Non-pianist performs 'chopsticks'
 * Voice recognition software can't recognise owner swearing at it
 * Child plays with slinky a second time
 * Paralympians slam closing ceremony audience for "insensitive" standing ovation
 * Perpetually single guy tries to make it look like his choice
 * Cameraphone takes in-focus photo
 * Disneyland still waiting on formal UN recognition
 * Newbar item ends abruptl
 * Airport travelator makes passenger late for plane
 * Exotic items in pie shop all taste like pie
 * Guy convinced he could convert most lesbians
 * Reality show bears no resemblance to reality whatsoever
 * Bush & Howard now closer than ever: in polls
 * B-grade celebrity wishes paparazzi would invade her privacy
 * Actor's opinion on world events apparently newsworthy
 * Rock band takes itself seriously
 * Week a long time in politics, Guantanamo Bay
 * Gourmet pizza defined by inclusion of sundried tomatoes
 * Americans irritated by hordes of quiet, knowledgeable tourists
 * Latest special McDonald's burger tastes identical to last one
 * Nine album tracks just filler between three singles
 * Fifties decor in Hungry Jack's fools no one
 * Donkey voter a complete ass
 * Iraqi cheese-maker complains of Kurds getting in the Whey
 * Depressed magician performs optical disillusion
 * Psychotic gains respite after voices in head contract laryngitis
 * Newsreader rushed to hospital after trying to pronounce name of new Indonesian president Dr. Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono
 * Calls for tougher sentencing on killer flus
 * Price war breaks out between $2.00 shop & $1.95 shop
 * Australian actress pretends she still calls Australia home
 * Bird and bee have sex with disastrous results
 * Twelve prams wrecked in Wiggles mosh pit
 * Wishful thinker sucks in stomach when on scales
 * Writer of the Newsbar regrets his obeying of the advice of the grammar-checking tool which is contained within Microsoft Word
 * Holden and Ford currently in peace talks

Mock commercials
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How much does it cost to disarm a country? Military personnel: $30 billion Combat weapons: $72 billion Rebuilding the country: $8 billion The look on your victims' faces when they learn there were no WMDs after all: Priceless. There are some justifications for war that money can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterCon.

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In our last campaign we told you to be alert, but not alarmed. But even though now all Australians have fridge magnets, terrorism continues to threaten our way of life, so now we're saying, "OK, be alarmed". Soon every home will be sent this handy oven mitt which contains practical information on why you should be more afraid than ever - especially about the you-know-whos. If you see anything suspicious, contact the national panic hotline. Remember! If things don't fit, check your mitt! And be alarmed.

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Voiceover: Tuesday night, catch the ABC's new lower-budget foreign affairs programme: Frugal Correspondent. This week, Middle East correspondent Simon Hurley visits a mosque in the middle of the east coast of Australia. Asia correspondent Ewan Watson investigates the new Chinese leadership at an arrivals lounge. Watson: (to newly-arrived Asian) Do you know anybody important in Beijing? Voiceover: And Jennifer Byrne profiles South-East Asian terror networks from her local Indonesian restaurant. Byrne: It's difficult to tell whether JI still poses a threat, especially from here at the Satay Palace. Voiceover: Now covering the world without leaving Australia! That's Frugal Correspondent, Tuesday on ABC TV.

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At 7:30 tomorrow join special guest host Senator Richard Alston, looking at the pros and pros of the full Telstra sell-off. Plus, why the coalition war in Iraq was beyond reproach - and we meet the first Prime Minister in history whose policies deserve to be spared any media scrutiny! Senator Alston guest hosts The 7:30 Report tomorrow night on his ABC.