Californication (TV series)

Californication is a Showtime comedy-drama series production created by Tom Kapinos and starring David Duchovny as Hank Moody, a troubled novelist whose move to Los Angeles and problems with his job complicate the relationships with his ex-girlfriend Karen (Natascha McElhone) and daughter Becca (Madeleine Martin).

Pilot

 * Hank Moody: (pointing at Jesus on cross) I was just having a little chat with your husband here.
 * Nun: Is there anything that I can help you with?
 * Hank Moody: Oh no, I don't want to bother a real live person about it.


 * Hank Moody: Well, to make a long story short, I can't write, which kinda sucks, since I'm supposed to be a writer. And a professional one at that.


 * Hank Moody: [getting a blow job from a nun] Sweet baby Jesus, Hank is going to hell.


 * Hank Moody: Near the vaganus? That's weird. Well, I can take a hint. I just so happen to have my GPS with me. I stored it up my ass, yes.


 * Hank Moody: Maybe I should hide under your clit, he'll never find me there.


 * Becca: Father?
 * Hank Moody: Daughter?
 * Becca: Why is there a naked lady in your room?
 * Hank Moody: Uh... You. Stay... Right here.
 * Becca: There's no hair on her vagina. Do you think she's okay?
 * Hank Moody: I'll check.


 * Hank Moody: So, not only are you a cadaverous lay, you also have a shitty taste in movies.


 * Hank Moody: [getting the Evil Eye from Karen] Oh, I know that look. That's the look that shrivels me testes.


 * Hank Moody: I’m fine, I’m disgusted with my life and my self. But I’m not unhappy about that. How are you?


 * Hank Moody: It's not whether you win or you lose, it's how you play the game.


 * Hank Moody: Now don't I get some say in this?
 * Karen: No!
 * Hank Moody:Are you sure? Because it seems like I should.


 * Hank Moody: It looks like we're the proud parents of a lesbian daughter. Up high! What? You're ashamed of our lesbian daughter?


 * Hank Moody: Well, she does take after her mother. [Whispering] The make-up and the slutty clothes.


 * Hank Moody: Oh because you're in love with me and you want to have like 10,000 of my babies.


 * Hank Moody: Marry me. Don't marry him.
 * Karen: What?
 * Hank Moody: Marry me.
 * Karen: Don't fuck with me.
 * Hank Moody: I'm not fucking with you, I don't work without you.

Hell-A Woman

 * Hank Moody: Hell-A Magazine blog number 1. Hank hates you all. A few things I've learned on my travels through this crazy little thing called life. One, a morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness. Two, I probably won't go down in history, but I will go down on your sister. And 3, while I'm down there it might be nice to see a hint of pubis. I'm not talking about a huge 70's Playboy bush or anything. Just something that reminds me that I'm performing cunnilingus on an adult. But I guess the larger question is why is the city of angels so hell bent on destroying its female population.


 * Hank Moody: [looking in a bathroom mirror] Nobody likes you, you're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile, you fucking douche.


 * Hank Moody: [about a painting] What the fuck is that?
 * Bill Lewis: Oh, you like it? I could have bought a car instead.
 * Hank Moody: I think you should still buy the car and then run over whoever created that turd.

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 * Hank Moody: Well, your breasts are obviously real... and... eh... you have an abundance of pubic hair, which is really nice and... eh... there's no evidence of vaginal rejuvenation. I'd say, aside from the fact that you worship a space alien, you just might be the most beautiful woman I've seen in a long, long time

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 * Hank Moody: I'm a writer. Non-practicing.

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 * Hank Moody: Kiss my black ass.

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 * Hank Moody: Has a nose ring, you know what that means?
 * Charlie Runkle: What, she likes it in the nose?
 * Hank Moody: That is sick.

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 * Hank Moody:

The Whore of Babylon

 * Meredith: My baby.
 * Hank Moody: You have a baby with married guy? Holy fuck!
 * Meredith: No, my dog, Cat Stevens.
 * Hank Moody: You have a dog named Cat Stevens? Holy fuck!

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 * Hank Moody: What the fuck do you want?
 * Mia Lewis: I'm late.
 * Hank Moody: What? That's not possible. I...I...I...I...I...I...I wore a condom. That's... that would be like, uh, the immaculate conception. And you, you're the one who... y, you... and then you left.
 * Mia Lewis: I'm late for school.

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 * Hank Moody: [trying to lure a dog named Cat Stevens] Hey, Cat Stevens. C'mere, Cat. Come here. I'll take you away from all this. Cat... Yusuf Islam. Peace Train's a good song. C'mere, Cat. C'mere.

Fear and Loathing at the Fundraiser

 * Hank Moody: Oh, big boy... are you crying?
 * Charlie Runkle: A little.
 * Hank Moody: Jesus Christ.

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 * Becca Moody: Have you had the sex?

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 * Hank Moody: [catching Charlie photographing his secretary] Holy Fuck-nuts!
 * Charlie Runkle: Shit! [falls over]

LOL

 * Hank Moody: I love women. I have all their albums.

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 * Hank Moody: (to Meredith) Try not to forget all the times I brought you to fruition. 33 to be exact.

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 * Hank Moody: Hey. You know, it's not fair to say BRB and then never actually BRB.

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 * Hank Moody: 'B' to the 'I' to the double 'L'. What's up, my nig nog?
 * Bill Lewis: I need to talk to you.
 * Hank Moody: Well, you should have called. I wouldn't have answered, but you could've left a message, which I would have quickly erased.

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 * Radio show host: What's your latest obsession?
 * Hank Moody: Just the fact that people seem to be getting dumber and dumber. You know, I mean we have all this amazing technology and yet computers have turned into basically four figure wank machines. The internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but all it's really given us is Howard Dean's aborted candidacy and 24 hour a day access to kiddie porn. People... they don't write anymore, they blog. Instead of talking, they text, no punctuation, no grammar: LOL this and LMFAO that. You know, it just seems to me it's just a bunch of stupid people pseudo-communicating with a bunch of other stupid people at a proto-language that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the King's English.
 * Radio show host: Yet you're part of the problem, I mean you're out there blogging with the best of them.
 * Hank Moody: Hence my self-loathing.

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 * Marcy Runkle: You can have the ass if you want.
 * Charlie Runkle: You can keep it.

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 * Hank Moody: Can I ask you something?
 * Karen: If you must.
 * Hank Moody: In this past life of ours, was I mean... To you? Did I ever, did I make you feel stupid?
 * Karen: You weren't mean, no, but you can be pretty hard on people Hank.
 * Hank Moody: I wish it were different.
 * Karen: And so do I, but it's not.

Absinthe Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

 * Mia Cross: Rome is burning, he said, as he poured himself another drink. Yet, here I am knee deep in a river of pussy. Here it comes, she thought. Another self indulgent, whiskey soaked diatribe about how fucking great everything was in the past. And how all us poor souls born too late to see the Stones at - wherever, or snort the good coke like that they had at Studio 54 - well, we all just missed out on practically everything worth living for. And the worst part was, she agreed with him. Here we are, she thought, at the edge of the world - the very edge of western civilization and all of us are so desperate to feel something... anything... that we keep falling into each other and fucking our way toward the end of days.

Girls, Interrupted
Hank Moody: "Just because something is bleak doesn't necessarily make it true."

<hr width="50%"/> Hank Moody: "Happy endings may get a bad rap, but they do happen -- and when they do, they're just as true as the unhappy ones."

<hr width="50%"/> Hank Moody: "You see, I try to live in an ivory tower, but a tide of shit is constantly beating at its walls."

<hr width="50%"/> Becca Moody: "You never mean to let me down.....but you do."

Hank Moody: "Yeah I guess I do."

Becca Moody: "It's all well and good to talk about happy endings, but if a person can't deliver, if he keeps screwing up, well eventually I guess you kinda just have to say 'fuck you'...or words to that effect."

Marcy Runkle: "I want the little one; she looks like she knows things."

California Son
Hank Moody: You can't snort a line of coke off a woman’s ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams, it's not gentlemanly.

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 * Hank Moody: He used to call you a walking penis!

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 * Hank Moody (after being punched): Ow! Your pimp hand is strong!

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 * Trixy: No! Not in the face. He's too cute.

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 * Al Moody: "Your mother was into all of that catholic guilt shit, not me. Life's too short to dance with fat chicks."

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 * Charlie Runkle: "I love the condom, keeps me in the game..."

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 * Hank Moody: "All my fucking life, people have been telling me I do things wrong. I’m always the fucking asshole. I look around and I see everybody else is infinitely more fucked up than I am."

The Devil's Threesome
Hank Moody: Come again... so to speak.

<hr width="50%"/> Karen: I question everything. It´s very healthy.

The Last Waltz

 * Hank Moody: All those things that weren't supposed to happen? They happened. But what happens next is up to you.

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 * Karen: Go, before I change my mind!

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 * Mia: What are you gonna do, spank me?
 * Charlie: You girls talk about everything, don't you?

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 * Mia: It ain't over till it's over!

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 * Priest: If anyone should see any cause why these two should not be wed, speak now, or forever hold your peace.
 * Mia: Yoo-hoo? Over here.

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 * Becca:You're tragically flawed, dad, but you've got a good heart.

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 * Hank Moody: I was thinking maybe I'll get into teaching.
 * Charlie: "There's an idea... Not a particularly good one, but an idea nonetheless"
 * Hank Moody: I hate you.

Slip of the Tongue [2.01]

 * Hank: Right before you cum, call me Bill.

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 * Hank: Man should not meow, ever.

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 * Ashby: What the fuck? You're a guest in my house and you go and mouth-rape... what's your name sweetheart?

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 * Hank: The moment my tongue hit clit I knew it wasn't yours.

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 * Hank: Pussy number 2 step forward, step profile. That's Karen.

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 * Hank: Wrong place, wrong time, wrong vagina!

The Great Ashby [2.02]

 * Becca: In the meantime, don't bend over for the soap.

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 * Marcy: No, I bleach hairy tacos.

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 * Runkle: (Sees himself masturbating on camera) So, what? You going to shit-can 15 year of experience because a guy messes up one time? (Sees himself masturbating multiple times) OK! That's it! I'm ankling. Runkle is ankling! WOOOOOO!

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 * Becca: The man is too pretty for jail mom
 * Mia: What if he is being someone's bitch right now.
 * Becca: Instead of being yours.

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 * Hank: What am I going to write about? You were born a poor black child and now you're an icon where everything you touch turns to gold?

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 * Hank: (After a girl gets up from under the table giving Ashby a blowjob) Cool. Very cool.

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 * Hank: What? Is somebody crying? Charlie's crying? You guys are fucking retarded.

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 * Runkle: It's sobering Hank, to see yourself make faces like that.
 * Hank: I hear you. No man should ever have to bear witness to his own O face.

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 * Hank: Any place for saying I'm sorry in a romance language?
 * Karen: I don't know. I'll think about it next time I'm going down on a guy.
 * Hank: Fair enough, as long as he's slim bent and circumcised.

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 * Hank: I love you.
 * Karen: I love you too. But what if that's not enough?
 * Hank: This is not very good pillow talk.

No Way to Treat a Lady [2.03}

 * Becca: Parents who truly love their children make the sacrifices to home school them.

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 * Porn Director: Uh oh, it's getting bigger, it's getting meaner! It's fighting back!

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 * Trixie: You got under my skin Hank Moody. I just couldn't brush you off. Like I would be blowing a guy off at the four season and I would catch myself thinking, 'I wonder what Hank Moody is doing?'

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 * Damen: You might not want to sit there.
 * Becca: Why? You have the herp or something?

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 * Runkle: There's a limit to how much a woman can get banged in the ass and not get paid for it, and you Daisy, have reached that limit.

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 * Hank: Don't you sometimes wish you had two cocks? I know I sure do.

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 * Hank: That was while we weren't together. I am not going to be held accountable for my sins while we were not together.

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 * Hank: Don't tell me you forgive me and then tread up stuff from my past.

The Raw and the Cooked [2.04]

 * Hank: Really? Because I think it's going to be like a cue tip shoved up my urethra. For three hours. Without lube. Which could be fun if you do it.

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 * Hank: I was hoping that you would make an honest woman of me.

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 * Hank: I love you Karen, and I want to spend the rest of my life annoying the shit out of you, and I want the rest of my life to start right now. I'm sick and tired fighting about the past. We're not going anywhere, I get that now. This is my home, because home is where you and Becca are. I love LA. Seriously, I love it, I can't get enough of it.
 * Karen: You're so full of shit
 * Hank: Will you marry me Karen? Queen of my dreams, mother of my child. Lady of the Valley.
 * Karen: Anymore?
 * Hank: Fuck no I'm out... I'm so wet right now, are you?
 * Karen: You can always check it out for yourself.

Coke Dick & First Kick [2.06]

 * Karen: Maybe they have one of those, you know, like, open relationships or something.
 * Hank: Ew! No, no, no, no, no. That- that is disgusting. That is not a possibility. The open relationship does not exist. It's like an oxymoron, like "jumbo shrimp" or-
 * Karen: Ph, okay. So that's where you draw the line? At open relationships?
 * Hank: Yes! That's thoroughly offensive to me.
 * Karen: Huh. The mouth-rapist who sleeps with prostitutes is offended.
 * Hank: No. Come on. Look, my ethical unpredictability is default proof of its hard-won vitality. Because I'm not, like, by rote or programmatic about it. I think this shit through, every issue.

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 * Mia: Hank Moody, this is Annika Staley of Rolling Stone Magazine.
 * Hank: Really? The Rolling Stone Magazine? The one that used to have some cultural relevance?

In a Lonely Place [2.07]

 * Karen: [at parent-teacher meeting] Well, long story short, we were together, and now we're apart.
 * Hank: Again.
 * Mrs. Patterson: So, you're divorced?
 * Hank: Not exactly.
 * Mrs. Patterson: It's okay. I'm not judging. You know, I'm divorced. Pretty recently, actually.
 * Karen: Oh, I'm sorry.
 * Hank: Right on!
 * Karen: Hank. We were never married so...
 * Hank: No, but I did ask... a number of times.
 * Karen: Okay, not the time or the place, Hank.
 * Hank: I gave her a ring, she gave it back. I gave it to a homeless woman.
 * Mrs. Patterson: I'm sorry. That's so sad.
 * Hank: It worked out for the homeless woman.

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 * Karen: We're together when it comes to raising Becca.
 * Hank: Well, yes, but not always. For instance, I want Becca to be a lesbian when she grows up, and Karen just wants her to be happy. That's ridiculous. Like you can't be both? A happy lesbian?

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 * Hank: [hugging Karen] Your hair smells good. Smells like lady hair.

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 * Hank: How was I supposed to know who his mother was?
 * Karen: Oh, well, if you were not so preoccupied with sticking your dick in any hole that will have you, you might notice these things.
 * Hank: Yes, but you kicked my dick out of the house. You made my dick homeless. And out of doors is a place where penises don't generally fare well, in the rain and the wind and all that.
 * Karen: Hank, will you shut up, okay?
 * Hank: My homeless dick now must seek shelter from the storm where and whence it can.
 * Karen: Did she say to you, "Oh, Hank, I love your writing"?
 * Hank: You see that? This is why we should be together. You just know my shit. It's perfect.

Blues from Laurel Canyon [2.11]

 * Becca: It's recently come to my attention that men cannot be trusted.
 * Lew: Truer words have never been spoken.

Wish You Were Here [3.01]

 * Charlie: If you weren't too busy bringing every unemployed actor with a cougar fetish back to my house...

The Land of Rape and Honey [3.02]

 * Hank Moody: When did you become such a little snot?

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 * Charlie: A rape fantasy? That is just sick Marcy.
 * Marcy: Sick? I'm sick? After some of the twisted and depraved shit I have seen you do?

Verities & Balderdash [3.03]

 * Hank Moody: No means no, you know.

The Apartment [3.08]

 * Becca Moody: I can't believe you slept with all of them.

Another Perfect Day [4.09]

 * Hank: I’m warning you; tomorrow I’m going to be pretty pissed at you. Tonight, I’m just high-fiving Jesus that you’re okay.
 * Becca: I’m sorry about the car.
 * Hank: It’s just a car…
 * Becca: You love that car.
 * Hank: No, I love you
 * Becca: I love you too and I’m scared
 * Hank: Why?
 * Becca: I don’t want you to be guilty. I don’t want people to look at you that way. I want them to know how great you can be.
 * Hank: You shouldn’t be thinking about that. That’s too much for your brain. All you should be thinking about is boys and rock ‘n roll and stealing your old man’s car keys. But not anymore because I’ll chop your hands off. Okay?
 * Becca: It was a nice day wasn’t it?
 * Hank: It was. It was really nice. It was the perfect day.
 * Becca: Right up until I ruined it.
 * Hank: You didn’t ruin anything. You just made a mistake. A really terrible mistake, we all do. Look at me, I take a breath and make a mistake. Then we just get back up and shoot for another perfect day.
 * Becca: I’m going to be thinking good thoughts dad, on Monday.
 * Hank: Thank you.


 * Hank: How the fuck did we get here?
 * Karen: I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure it’s your fault.
 * Hank: Undoubtedly, I am currently accepting blame for everything: volcanoes, earthquakes, oil spills, steroids, rap music… it’s all my fault.
 * Karen: You tricked me, you know? You tricked me, I would hear the doorbell ring and I would be running towards it. I’d be thinking, “I don’t even like this guy, this is just some stupid fling.” Then I would open the door and all of those thoughts would disappear, because I’d see your smile and I was a goner. I trusted that smile.
 * Hank: He was a good guy, that smile. I don’t see him around much anymore. I miss him.
 * Karen: Strange, it changed so fast. Once you were my future, then you were my misery…
 * Hank: Nice…
 * Karen: Now you’re almost my past
 * Hank: Almost…

JFK --> LAX [5.01]

 * Hank: [To Cali on the plane]

It's almost like the pursuit of this one woman, this one relationship became its own form of heroin. I was strung out. You know, I was driving her crazy making my kid miserable. When you finally give up and let go, good stuff starts to happen. She's better now. My kid's fantastic. I'm keeping it simple. Such a sad sweet tale of woe. I'm surprised you made it through the whole thing. I thought I might try to hang yourself there at some point.

Perverts & Whores [5.10]

 * Hank: [as Charlie walks away] See you in hell [falsetto] MOTHERFUCKER!
 * Charlie: [turns around and yells] Don't say motherfucker like that! It makes me miss you!

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 * Karen: How was your day... honey?
 * Hank: Uh... weird. I spent the day with perverts and whores.
 * Karen: Well...
 * Hank: Don't worry. I didn't sleep with any of them. Close, but I didn't take my cigar out.
 * Karen: Gross, and I don't even care.
 * Hank: Sure you do, Karen.
 * Karen: No, I don't. Anyway, I don't even have a right to care about such things.
 * Hank: You do too... have rights. You have the baby mama's bill of rights.

Levon [7.01]

 * Hank: [to Charlie] It's all right. It's all right, baby boy. Tonight we drink. Tomorrow you start making some phone calls. An opportunity will present itself. If not, we can always stuff our pockets full with rocks and walk hand-in-hand into the Pacific.
 * Charlie: That sounds romantic.

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 * Charlie: Just don't come off as one of those snotty, pretentious fucks who looks down on television.
 * Hank: Me? Never.
 * Charlie: How is it? [points to a script in Hanks hand]
 * Hank: To be honest, it's like a colonoscopy of the mind.
 * Charlie: Hank.
 * Hank: But if he asks, I will tell him it's "totes buckskin brill."

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 * Hank: I have squandered a lot of opportunities, it's true. I could give you a bunch of excuses. I could blame it on my masturbating agent or I could chalk it up to fear and self-loathing in Los Angeles, but the truth is that... I'm trying to grow the fuck up for once. You know, I'm on a quest to reclaim the best parts of myself before it's too buckskin late.