Cheaper by the Dozen (2003 film)

Cheaper by the Dozen is a 2003 American comedy film about a family with twelve children. The story is unrelated to the book of the same title.
 * Directed by Shawn Levy, Written by Craig Titley, Sam Harper, Joel Cohen, & Alec Sokolow

Dialogue

 * Tom: You were checking me out, weren't you?
 * Kate: Yes, I was. You got a problem with that?
 * Tom: Twelve kids later and we still got the heat!
 * Kate: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!


 * Kate: Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse for excessive force has been lifted, so you're going today.
 * Sarah: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
 * Kate: Henry, you have band practice, all right? I cleaned your clarinet. Please don't play with food in your mouth again. Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request that you do not correct her in front of the class. Mike, you have show-and-tell today. And please, honey, remember that body parts do not count. Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist appointment at 3:00, so you're going to work with Dad.
 * Nigel and Kyle: Yeah! (yell)
 * Tom: (yells)


 * Tina: Is Jake your only child?
 * Kate: Oh, no. We have 12.
 * Tom: I couldn't keep her off me.


 * Mark: Have you seen my frog, Dad?
 * Tom: Sorry, Charlie... er, Nigel... Kyle.
 *  Mark: It's Mark.
 * Tom: I knew that. Hey, teenager. You got caught on Mom radar last night. You're not gonna get that scholarship if you're out late with Beth the night before a big game.
 * Charlie: Well, I'm not so sure I even want to go to college.
 * Tom: Since when?
 * Charlie: Since Beth's mom offered me a job at the auto shop.
 * Tom: Hmm, sounds exciting. Well, we'll talk about that after you get your full ride. And meanwhile, in by 10:00 on school nights. Clear?
 * Charlie: Got it.
 * Tom: Anything else you wanna talk about?
 * Charlie: Did I mention I don't like you very much?
 * Tom: Yeah, you mentioned that.
 * Charlie: Then, I'm good.
 * Tom: Yeah, me too.


 * Hank: It's getting so as I can hardly go out in public any more. I mean, really, between the autograph hounds and the paparazzi...
 * Kate: Autographs and everything? I mean, just the one commercial, and you have paparazzi?
 * Hank: Yeah. I've never actually seen them, but, you know, they hide in the bush and they get their shot.


 * Jake: Dude two words: need new skates.
 * Kate: Dude three words: Paper route. (computer receives a message. Reads Nora's message) "Hi, can't make dinner. Hank and I are moving into our new apartment. Love, Nora."
 * Mark: Have you seen Beans, Mom?
 * Kate: No.


 * Nora: [on the phone] It totally sucks. I miss you too, but, I mean, I've gotta get a job. Hi, Lorraine. Okay, I'll try and be there, honey. Hi, Kimmy. Yeah, I-I know that I haven't been very friendly recently. [to Hank] They are pulling me in again!
 * Hank: Just tell them you can't do it.
 * Nora: [on the phone] Could you guys hold on a second? [to Hank] That's easy for you to say! You're an only child! It might be fun to babysit together.
 * Hank: No! Whoa, no! No, you know what happened the last time we visited.
 * Nora: Oh, honey, they were just welcoming you into the family.
 * Hank: They set me on fire.
 * Nora: Just your pants.
 * Hank: Honey, I am an actor, okay? And sure, last time, it was just my pants, but what if next time it's my face? This is the moneymaker! I'm not that good of an actor! This is how I get the jobs! I know that! I'm man enough to admit it!
 * Nora: Please? Please, please, please, please?
 * Hank: Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like that! You always do that to me. Fine, fine, you know what? We'll go. But I'll tell you what. One thing happens and I'm gone. And no fires. And we sleep in the same room.
 * Nora: [on the phone to Kimmy] Kimmy, put Dad on.
 * Tom: She says she'll help us out if they can stay in the same room.
 * Kate: No, no way. No, she knows the rules. She wants to have her own room while she's here. Isn't that sweet? No.
 * Tom: [on the phone with Nora] Okay, look, why don't you just come over on Sunday, and we'll talk logistics. All right, bye. [hangs up the phone]
 * Sarah: Tell me that Mister Doorknob Man isn't babysitting too!
 * Kate: Yes, he very well might be, young lady!
 * Tom: And do not set his pants on fire again!
 * Kate: Yes.
 * Sarah: Classic.
 * [the kids look in guilt]
 * Kate: It was just his pants. [walks out of the room with Tom]
 * Sarah: Does anyone besides me think our "happier and stronger" life, is actually code for "nastier and suckier"?
 * Mike: First, Dad forces us to move.
 * Jake: Then Mom decides to become a career person and like, travel the globe.
 * Jessica: And now we have to take orders from Hank, the model/actor?!
 * Mark: And he hates kids, too.


 * Tom: (On the phone) Hello, my name is Tom Baker and I'm interested in hiring a domestic helper...I have twelve children. (Pause) Actually I am serious. (Later calling another housekeeper) Just twelve...(Different call) Twelve...(Calling another babysitter) There is only two...uh...plus ten. (Another call) Well, there's twelve but one doesn't live with me and another you never see because he's so mad! (Another call) How many kids? Well how about when you get here let's count them up? (Later) Uhh....!!!! A dozen?!?! (He scratches off about 25 babysitting businesses and hangs his phone up about 10 times; later on a call) Just...just twelve. (Another call) Hello? I'll just hang up on myself...(He angrily hangs up his phone and bows his head in frustration)


 * [Tom has the kids gathered in the living room for having fights at school and not doing any chores around the house]
 * Tom: [angrily] All right, enough is enough. You're slacking on your chores, you're fighting at school, things are out of control. As of this moment, you are all grounded.
 * Mike: What's grounded?
 * Tom: What's grounded? I'll tell you what grounded is. Except for attending games, you go to school, you come home from school, you do your homework, you do your chores, you go to bed, and that's it.
 * Sarah: But that--
 * Tom: Oh, yes, Sarah, I know, that sucks, but that's the way it is.
 * Jake: Does this mean we can't go to Dylan's birthday party?
 * Tom: That's exactly what it means.
 * Kim: But we bought his presents already!
 * Tom: You are going to miss it! [the kids are shocked into silence] Now, go to bed. [The Baker kids head to their rooms, upset]


 * Sarah: [After knocking on the door to tell the other children the plan] I'm going to Dylan's birthday party. Who's with me?
 * The Baker Kids: Yeah!
 * (The children climb out of the window and bring presents to Dylan to enter the party without Tom noticing that they climbed out of the window and went to Dylan's birthday party)
 * Tina: Hi, kids! Oh, no! (the Baker kids gave each present to Tina)
 * Mark: Brazilian Mud Viper. She gets one live rat a week. (gives it to Tina)............
 * Jake: Hey, Dylan. Wanna play catch with the football I got you?
 * Dylan: Uh, my nanny'd have to check with my dad... who'd have to check with my mom who would say it was an inappropriate use of free time.
 * Jake: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... Sounds like a "yes" to me. Go get it, Mike.
 * (Mike runs to the present counter to get Jake's present, which knocks the snake that was in Mark's present)


 * Tom: [to Football players] Get my kids and meet me at the house. Ready? Break!
 * [The football players begin to catch the Baker kids, one by one, and Tom sees Sarah in the bounce house]
 * Tom: Sarah Baker! Off, now!
 * Sarah: No way!
 * Tom: Don't make me come up there!
 * [Sarah becomes shocked about her father trying to catch her in the bounce house and Tom goes into the bounce house to catch her, but ends up failing to catch her and the football players knock someone with an air tank and the air tank presses on the bounce house, causing it to over-inflate. Tom realizes the bounce house is about to explode]
 * Person (Offscreen): Oh, my God! It's gonna blow!
 * [The inflatable structure explodes as Tom, Sarah and the other people are launched into the air. The football players catch Sarah and the other kids. Dylan sees Tom falling towards him and screams as Tom lands on him, offscreen. Cut to Dylan being carried on a gurney at the hospital, with a black eye, chipped tooth and broken arm]
 * Dylan: It was my best birthday ever, Coach!
 * Tina: Your children are never playing with Dylan again!
 * Tom: Sorry about your arm, Dylan.
 * (As Tina and Dylan head to the Hospital room and leave Tom, Tom hears his cell phone and gets a call from Shake)
 * Tom: Hello, Shake.
 * Shake: Any idea what this could do to my program? Don't speak. Listen. I don't want the football players at your house, and I don't want your kids in the athletic department.
 * (Tom turns off his cell phone and becomes depressed and sees the Newspeople)
 * Newsman: There he is! Coach! Coach! How will this impact Saturday's game? Coach, what do you have to say to reports that you're simply spreading yourself too thin?


 * Nigel: Come on, Dad, don't hide in the closet!!!!
 * Kyle: TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!
 * [The twins smash an axe through the closet door]
 * Tom: I just hate to break that up!!!!


 * Charlie: Knock much?
 * Tom: You got kicked off the football team!
 * Charlie: Well, look who's decided to become a parent!
 * Tom: Let's check that attitude, Charlie!
 * Charlie: I don't fit in this town, Dad. I'm going back to Midland.
 * Tom: You are not dropping out of school, and you are not walking out on this family!
 * Charlie: What family? [scoffs] Since we've moved here, everybody's been looking out for number one, especially you and Mom.
 * Tom: Your mother and I are doing what we think is best for everyone!
 * Charlie: Whoa, whoa, whoa! You did not take this coaching job for us! You took it because you were a loser in college while Shake was out there being a superstar! If you want your shot at glory, Dad, if you wanna have  it all, you do what you gotta do! But quit feeding us this line about being a happier and stronger family! This move was about you! And you know what? I don't have to sit here and pay the price of your life choices! I'm leaving!
 * Tom: You're staying.
 * Charlie: Are you gonna make me?
 * Tom: [sighs] Charlie, I love you. And I want you to have the best life that you can have. And that means you're getting a diploma.
 * Charlie: When I graduate, I'm gone.


 * Kate: What's the deal with Charlie?
 * Tom: Fine, thanks. How are you?
 * Kate: I'm sorry, hi.
 * Tom: Hi. Charlie got kicked off the football team.
 * Kate: What?!
 * Tom: Don't worry, I'm handling it.
 * [knock at the door]
 * Tom: Shake. President Gerhard.
 * President Gerhard: Tom.
 * Shake: Tom, we need a minute.

(In the kitchen with beans)
 * Mark: Please don't die, Beans.
 * President Gerhard: The university is prepared to make a huge investment in the program, but we want some assurances.
 * Tom: What does that mean?
 * Shake: We wanna know that you're committed to the football program.
 * President Gerhard: You have to decide who's making the bacon and who's cooking it.
 * Shake: So, what's it gonna be, Tom?
 * Kate: Tom, honey, didn't you pick up my dry-cleaning?
 * Tom: Yes, dear, it's in the front closet.
 * Shake: Well, I guess the wife just answered our question.
 * Kate: The wife's name is Kate, Shake.
 * Nigel: What a wiener.
 * [Kyle agrees with Nigel]
 * Shake: We want an answer by Monday, Tom. This meeting's over.


 * Mark: Mom, Beans is dead!
 * Sarah: Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, okay?!
 * Mark: (Annoyed and irritated) STOP CALLING ME THAT! (charges at her, causing the whole family to start a heated argument)
 * Kate: DON'T YOU DARE CALL HIM THAT!!
 * Tom: All right! Hey!
 * Kate: Stop! Stop!
 * Cameraman 1: What's the name of this segment again?
 * Cameraman 2: Uh, "One Big Happy Family"?
 * Cameraman 1: Okay, I'm calling Oprah's people right now.
 * Hank: All I'm saying is that families are inevitable. It's like death or taxes.
 * Nora: Does that mean you don't want children?
 * Hank: Children?!
 * Kate: Leave him alone!
 * Hank: Hello! Look at these, children! They're monsters! Honey, you can't want this. That's why you're with me.
 * Tom: Nora! Come on! We need you down here!
 * Lorraine: You're stepping on me! You're messing up my hair! Stop!
 * Kate: Nigel, get off your brother's head!
 * (Nora comes downstairs)
 * Mark: Get off me! Nobody cares about me!
 * Nora: Mark.
 * Mark: Nobody cares about me!
 * Nora: (tries to comfort Mark) Mark, what's going on? (Mark runs upstairs in despair) Mark! Mark!
 * Sarah and Lorraine: What?! What are you talking about?! I'm perfect! I've never done anything like this before!
 * Kate: Oh, no, none of that!
 * Tom: Hey! Hey!
 * Cameraman 1: No, you do not want to come here. No, it's the farthest thing from a happy family.
 * Jake: Why am I the only normal person in this family?!

The Baker Family

 * Steve Martin as Tom Baker
 * Bonnie Hunt as Kate Baker
 * Piper Perabo as Nora Baker
 * Tom Welling as Charlie Baker
 * Hilary Duff as Lorraine Baker
 * Kevin Schmidt as Henry Baker
 * Alyson Stoner as Sarah Baker
 * Jacob Smith as Jake Baker
 * Forrest Landis as Mark Baker
 * Liliana Mumy as Jessica Baker
 * Morgan York as Kim Baker
 * Blake Woodruff as Mike Baker
 * Brent Kinsman as Nigel Baker
 * Shane Kinsman as Kyle Baker

Others

 * Paula Marshall as Tina Shenk
 * Alan Ruck as Bill Shenk
 * Steven Anthony Lawrence as Dylan Shenk
 * Richard Jenkins as Shake McGuire
 * Ashton Kutcher as Hank
 * Tiffany Dupont as Beth
 * Cody Linley as Quinn
 * Jared Padalecki as an unnamed bully
 * Dax Shepard as a member of the camera crew
 * Regis Philbin as Himself
 * Kelly Ripa as Herself
 * Frank Welker as Gunner (voice)