Clark and Michael

Clark and Michael is a CBS Internet television series that ran for 10 weekly episodes in the late spring and summer of 2007, starring actors Clark Duke and Michael Cera as comedically exaggerated versions of themselves. The series chronicled their attempt to pitch their television series idea "The Family Cruise" to various networks.

Episode 1

 * Michael: So here's what I'm thinking, OK? We uh, we'll write it out, we'll write this out, and then we got to take it around to all the big networks, you know, all the major spots. And we'll take it there and then we just drop it off and walk away. And we don't tell them-they'll be like "Who wrote it," they'll say. Leave the element of mystery.
 * Clark: OK, but, but how will they contact us? [beat] Mike, I got it. We write a hand-written note, like a really nice, like a Christmas gift thank you. And we put that in the back page of all these scripts with our phone numbers on them, and then after they read them, they're like, well these guys are f*cking princes, you know? And then - [makes fish hook motion] hook. Flawless.
 * Michael: I love that - just when you nail it?
 * Clark: You know what I'm loving is this rubbing alcohol we got. I mean, you can use this a**hole to elbow, and just like...
 * Michael: Like, what do you want me to say? What am I-what am I gonna say to a guy like you?


 * Michael: Hello, ma'am. Um, we're here to speak to Mr. Ted Turner, please, ma'am, we're coming up to see him.
 * Voice over intercom: Uh...you need an appointment to see Mr. Turner. Also, he has no affiliation with this network.
 * Michael: OK, alright, Chuck Yeager, slow it down one sec, um, we have a script that, he's gonna, Ted Turner's going to want to give some money to.
 * Clark: Sweetheart, you're breaking my balls here. I'm gonna-is there any kind of courier system we can use?


 * Clark: Um, it's been about a week since we heard anything from Tony Mesner or, uh, anybody over at ATC Family. But we figure they gotta be really close to getting the deal together over there.
 * Michael: The usual protocol on, on something like this, is the wait. Uh, the wait, a little bit. And then just messenger the contracts over, and sign them, and jet 'em back over to them, and...so we're just waiting on that.
 * Clark: Which honestly, it's been fine, since I had so much stuff backed up on the DVR that we needed to watch. I mean, it's just been maid service. Just cleanin' house.


 * Michael: What do you want, Randy?
 * Randy: Hey, uh, just checking in on you two. You've been home a lot. And uh, you know, pizza guy, I heard pizza guy, because I can hear it...
 * Clark: That just comes across as weird, Randy.
 * Randy: I'm really concerned about, um, yesterday around 1, I saw a man that I've never seen before come in.
 * Clark: It was probably the new paper guy. Probably the new paper guy, Randy. We got a new paper guy.
 * Michael: We subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, detective.


 * Randy: Hey. Um, pasta party. My place. I got the pasta - like 15 kinds. And um, you guys bring the sauce.
 * Michael: OK, we're not going to go to that.
 * Randy: Uh, I got puttanesca, and I've been-
 * Clark: It's not about variety.
 * Michael: Not tonight, Randy.
 * Clark: Never tonight.


 * Michael: Man, ATC Family rested their b*lls on our chins and brushed our teeth with their d*cks. I mean, OK - maybe it's me, but I have a feeling that there's this whole undiscovered, untapped market of shows that aren't about forensic scientists, or police officers, or school teachers, or some sh*t.


 * Clark: It's just - it's just blatant disrespect, and it's tacky, and I guess I'm not used to it because I was raised like a gentleman. Like a classy gentleman. And that's over with, that era.

Episode 2

 * Michael: I just finally took the time to respect my body, and, you know, my body is my tomb, and I feel like we should - I've never felt better about myself and my body.


 * Michael: You just look really good to me.
 * Clark: You know, I feel really good. Between the working out, the weekly colonics, I mean - Christopher's biopsy good news.
 * Michael: Oh, Chris is fine! Yeah, I talked to my aunt. She said he's crying, like twice a day, tops, now these days.


 * Clark: You know what, I think I'm going to send the script over Jeremy. He is heavy into movies.
 * Michael: Oh, that guy that bought the special edition Matrix box set?
 * Clark: Yeah, yeah, he is heavy into The Matrix.
 * Michael: That's like a hundred bucks.


 * Clark: Hey, what do you think of this? [Clark is smoking]
 * Michael: I don't like it.
 * Clark: Does it look cool?
 * Michael: Yeah, it looks cool.
 * Clark: All I needed.
 * Michael: Well, OK, what would be thing that I would have to say to get you to stop doing it?
 * Clark: Mike, if we go into, like, a network, and they see me, that I have to step outside for a smoke break, they're going to think "these guys are legit." And I mean, I'm too legit to quit smoking.


 * Clark: There's going to be changes in the script, but it's still going to have overall the same tone.
 * Michael: No, I know that. It's just some of these changes are going to be considered significant by some. I mean, we decided to have the guys hang out at a bakery called Montoni's a lot of the time. And the workers know them, and they know the workers, all their names and everything - it's like they're friends, kind of.
 * Clark: Just really push, like, the small town values, like a How I Met Your Mother or, like a Becker.

Episode 3

 * Ramsay: I read your script. How about that? I didn't like it. And let me tell you why I didn't like it. It didn't-I, I didn't read your script, my reader read your script and didn't like it. It wasn't that there wasn't talent in the writing - cuz there wasn't. It wasn't that the characters weren't there - and they weren't. It was because it was offensive to Chinese.
 * Michael: Chinese people love controversy. We know that: Pearl Harbor.
 * Clark: In fairness, is there even a sizable Chinese population that watches television?


 * Ramsay: Can I tell you something about shocking the Chinese? These are the people that invented fireworks. You're not going to do it.


 * Ramsay: Let me tell you why I've stopped listening to what you're saying: It's because I have another thought, and that is this: ...


 * Clark: You guys got a minute? Wanna hear my pitch, for my other show? The secret show? Alright - it's called "D.A. Dad." It's about a single father of three that's also a district attorney for the city. That's the genius of it; the complexity. You got it on two levels - you got it on parallel rails running down: a theme on one side, and character arc on the other. We're going to nail that 18-34 market. He thinks he's teaching these kids but these kids are really teaching him. That's what nobody realizes about it...that I pitched it to.

Episode 4

 * Clark: Hey...she did not deserve you, and I never liked her. And Mike - her ass was shaped bizarre. It was like two globes of two different planets colliding. I'm just saying. You had to be sick of putting your d*ck in that leather vacuum anyway. Like a hairy elevator.


 * Clark: Alright. So after we leave here, we're going to go over to that a**hole Dylan's house, we're going to throw a bag of ice through his f*cking window.
 * Michael: We can't do anything like that to Dylan.
 * Clark: Mike, Mike, the f*ck we can't. Listen: It's a bag of ice. After we throw it through his window, the evidence melts. It's the perfect crime.
 * Michael: What about the bag?
 * Clark: Michael. We'll go in and get the bag after. We don't want to go to jail. Finish your salad.

Episode 5

 * Clark: Hey amigo? How about you stick to making the tacos and you leave the chit-chat to us, OK? I swear, you bring a camera around and they come from all corners. And if there's one piece of lettuce in my hard shell taco? I'll burn it down. The whole building.


 * Clark: We have got to be batting a thousand tonight, amigo.
 * Michael: I notice that you've been saying "amigo" a lot lately. That's very Spanish of you.


 * Clark: What's your name? Sh*t, I get tangled up in this right here.  Right?  Can we get the music up?
 * Michael: It's up full, Clark. I ran the stereo.
 * Clark: Well I don't know why we let you do it. I wouldn't want you spraining your p*ssy on the stereo.  Where's that new Jock Jams tape at though, seriously?

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 * Driving Instructor: Guys, I cannot stress this enough. We'll go over this is the next class, but steering is so, so very important.  You're gonna want to steer, alright?  Okay.  But after the four classes you will have an in-car test with me, and that, my furry little friends, will determine whether you pass and get your license.

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 * Clark: I have never ever minded being that guy, that wild man at the party that everybody loves. That's me.

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 * Driving Instructor: Then you are legally required to make sure other seatbelts are buckled.
 * Hassan: So basically at all times.
 * Driving Instructor: Exactly, Hassan.
 * Driving School Girl: Man, I have such a hard time getting Danielle to buckle her seatbelt. There was this one time I was like, "Danielle, if you don't buckle your seatbelt, I'm going to tell the tooth fairy and you're not gonna get any money for your teeth."  And she was like, "Okay Mommy, just as long as Santa doesn't find out."  Adorable!
 * Michael: Did you breastfeed her?

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 * Michael: I feel like she really got me, I feel like she knew what was in my soul. And I feel like every time I was looking at her - it was like she had just looked away, like she knew I was going to look at her and didn't want me to see her looking at me.

Episode 6

 * Clark: I don't know, I just feel like I'm riding hell for leather out here everyday.

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 * Realtor: See how this wall is rounded? This just leads you along. When you've got stuff on your mind...
 * Clark: Is this a Frank Gehry?
 * Realtor: You let the...yeah.

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 * Michael: Hey, I'm a little concerned.
 * Clark: About?
 * Michael: About the office.
 * Clark: What, the kitchen? I told you I could fix it.
 * Michael: No, not that. But you can't fix it because you wouldn't know how to do that. But that's not the point.

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 * Michael: Oh did, I tell you I passed my driving test?
 * Clark: Oh yeah? That's great, how did you do?
 * Michael: I barely passed, I got an 81. You need an 80 - but I passed.
 * Clark: Well, I mean, you're never driving my car.
 * Michael: Why not?
 * Clark: Because I don't want some amateur driving it.
 * Michael: I passed the test.
 * Clark: Mike. Barely. An 81? You think that's something to be proud of? That's going to get the job done every time?
 * Michael: You're not a driving teacher, you don't know what's good and what's bad!
 * Clark: I guess I just hope that you're not taking this approach to the pilot.
 * Michael: How can you even say that?
 * Clark: Because I'm out there giving 110. And if you're giving 81? You're in trouble, Mikey. You're in trouble.
 * Michael: I guess I'll just take the test again.

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 * Michael: [at miniature golf course] I-I can fit in there. Yeah, I get in there all the time. Oh, what are you laughing about? Just because I'm a big, regular-sized person? [points to a noticeably annoyed Clark] Oh, there's my neighbor Amanda. How are the petunias coming in this year, Amanda? Clark.

Episode 7

 * Michael: What's wrong with the car?
 * Clark: Nothing's wrong. That's just it, like, he saved me a trip to the mechanic. So, just gonna buy him and his wife dinner.
 * Michael: You go to those mechanics, and they're bloodsuckers, Clark.
 * Clark: I didn't go to the mechanic!
 * Michael: But I'm saying they'll charge you $500 for a simple repair. They'll charge you for everything that you're worth, basically. I read that in a book.
 * Clark: Yeah, what book was that?
 * Michael: Uh, it was was called the newspaper, or maybe it was the Internet. I read it!
 * Clark: Yeah, that's what it was. You read it. That's what happened. You were just doing some recreational reading.

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 * Clark: So we are on our way right now to meet with Nate and his wife, Susan. Fun little side note - I call her "Lazy Susan." But she hates it. [laughs] She hates it!
 * Michael: [laughing] Is she lazy?
 * Clark: Her eye, is lazy. I told her that she could call me "Clark Bar," or if she wanted, like a fun nickname for me, but she's not into it. But besides Susan, Nate is pretty great.

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 * Michael: So he says to her, "sweater vest? Sweetheart, that's a V-neck!" It was like from a movie, honestly. It was the clumsiest! I wish you all could have been there.

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 * Clark: You know what, Bruce, who could put a price on this evening, huh?

Episode 8

 * Michael: You've really got to watch these auctions online, when they get down to the wire, keep your eye on them. This one character, this son of a bee, he's trying to snake me for about a month now. His name is Too-Cool-For-School-Or-For-You. It's kind of long, it's got the number '2' and '4' and just the letter 'R'.

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 * Clark: Mike, I'm going to stop you. Because you have a new lady, ok, and her name is Hollywood, and her legs are spread so wide that there's room for both of us, in there.

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 * Clark: Can we even call this America anymore
 * Michael: Those low lives. White man stole my land.

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 * Clark: Me and you are running a magic laugh factory that never stops. The lights never shut off.

<hr width="50%"/> [Michael is leaving a answerphone message to the girl from the driving school]
 * Michael: Hey honeybaby, this is er, Michael from driving class.

Episode 9

 * Clark: All they said was we should consider getting a name actor to play the Michael character and you just lost it.
 * Michael: "The Michael character." "The Michael character."
 * Clark: I mean, you could've just humored 'em.
 * Michael: Okay, well what was you, 'let's bring the Kutch on board.'
 * Clark: Hey. They brought up Ashton.  Not me.
 * Michael: Yeah well what if I brought up another -- that guy from American Pie. What's that guy?  The curly-haired guy.
 * Clark: I don't know his name. Can we even say names like this?  I don't need another lawsuit.
 * Michael: Oh please, Clark. Jason Biggs.  Sue me, you c*cksucker.  Earn your first dollar in seven years.

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 * Clark: Man, it's boiling in here.
 * Michael: I know. What is this, Thanksgiving?
 * Clark: Thanksgiving?
 * Michael: Kidding.
 * Clark: What can that mean?
 * Michael: Eh, you don't get it. I'll let him think about it.
 * Clark: That's what it is, I don't get it. Who're you texting on there, anyway?
 * Michael: I was on the internet on my phone. I was looking up Regis Philbin's birthday.
 * Clark: Well I coulda told you that! It's August 25, 1931!
 * Michael: Well I'm not a mindreader.

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 * Michael: [watching TV] Hahahaha. Too much.

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 * Clark: Michael, I been thinking.
 * Michael: Okay.
 * Clark: As you know, we got our big meeting later this week, and I think just for the sake of the show, and our spirituality, and our physicality, we need to join some sort of martial arts class, with a sensei.
 * Michael: Okay, that's interesting that you said that. Because I agree with you with the conviction of seven Arabian princesses.

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 * Clark: She looks like a real China doll.

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 * Michael: Excuse me, sweetheart. Table five, cupcake. We've got a little bet going we were hoping you could settle for us.
 * Clark: We say that you're the cutest little rabbit that ever hopped her way into these parts.
 * Michael: And these two a**holes say that you're the foxiest piece of skin that they've ever rubbed up and down with their eyeballs, so which one is more accurate, from your point of view?

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 * Clark: So, are you guys gonna mail me my black belt? Is it like a werewolf?  If I kill her I get a black belt?
 * Michael: No, it's like a Highlander. A werewolf you kill with a silver bullet.
 * Clark: Oh, you're right.
 * Sensei: Come on! Have you ever seen Highlander?

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 * Michael: I kinda want some bagel pizzas really bad. That guy made me in a bad mood.