Curb Your Enthusiasm (season 1)


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Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000-2024) is an American television sitcom on HBO starring Seinfeld writer & co-creator Larry David. The series is loosely based on David's life as a semi-retired multi-millionaire in the world after Seinfeld. It was inspired by a 1999 one-hour mockumentary titled Larry David: Curb Your Enthusiasm, which David and HBO had envisioned as a one-time project.

The Pants Tent [1.1]

 * Larry David: I can name sources.  Sophia Loren was once a source.


 * Larry: [regarding his "bunch-up"] Is it a bad thing? Maybe it's not such a bad thing.
 * Cheryl: Oh, 'cause you want people to think you constantly have an erection?


 * Richard:[regarding his girlfriend] She reads Wiesel and a lot of things.
 * Larry: She reads Wiesel?
 * Richard: That's right. Not everyone's a moron I go out with.
 * Larry: You know what she should be reading? Emily fucking Post!


 * [Larry, unaware he is on speakerphone, is asked if he wants to play golf]
 * Larry: I dunno, I'll have to ask Hitler. (Cheryl)


 * Richard: You better call me later on, by sundown.
 * Larry: "By sundown"? What are you, Gary Cooper?


 * Larry: It's always great to see a black entrepreneur, isn't it?
 * Jeff's Mom: What?
 * Jeff's Dad: What did he just say? What is that supposed to mean?

Ted and Mary [1.2]

 * Larry: Everything is "heaven" with [Ted]. The piece of gum he had; "Oh this is heaven!" Had a taste of a chocolate bar; "I'm in heaven." A parking space is "heaven." It's all "heaven."


 * Salesperson: I am not a shoe whore!


 * Salesperson: It's people like you that are the problem.
 * Larry: No, I'm the solution! I'm the solution to the problem!


 * Larry: I'd like to return this, please.
 * Sales woman: What seems to be the problem?
 * Larry: You know, it's kinda of half-jacket, half-shirt; half-man, half-beast.

Porno Gil [1.3]

 * Larry: Maybe we can stop by the store and pick up some Tabasco.


 * Brian: Should you be going to the party with your back or, er, can you bend over? Can you bend with your back?
 * Larry: Yeah.
 * Brian: Well then maybe you should just bend over and kiss my ass and maybe next time you'll remember to pick up my fucking golf ball.

The Bracelet [1.4]

 * Richard: I can't believe you won't help out a blind man.
 * Larry: I can't believe you said "blind man" in front of a blind man!

The Interior Decorator [1.5]

 * Parking Attendant: "The bald guy with the glasses." That's you?
 * Larry: Unfortunately, that's me.
 * Parking Attendant: Hey, it's a good look.

The Wire [1.6]

 * Jeff: If you're gonna be a maniac, pyro's not a good maniac.


 * Larry: You try to do something nice, see what happens?
 * Jeff: You get screwed.
 * Larry: You do one nice thing in your life. I assume it's the first nice thing you've ever done in your life.
 * Jeff: You're so complimentary.
 * Larry: It would put you one up on me, if that's the case. Although, I did, once, try and stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car. I screamed out "Watch out!" and she said "Don't you tell me what to do!"
 * Jeff: And that's all it took to for you to stop helping people?
 * Larry: I got out of the "nice" business at that point.


 * Larry: And who knows, you know what? Maybe I'll be able to need a lawyer someday.
 * Cheryl: Anything could happen.
 * Larry: A lot of people sue me.


 * Larry: What's the guy, 40 years old? He's got to meet Julia Louis-Dreyfus! What kind of person is that?!
 * Cheryl: He's a fan.
 * Larry: What does he expect to gain from such a meeting? What does he think? He's gonna go over there, she's gonna be so charmed by him that all of a sudden they'll start becoming friends? They'll talk on the phone and go out to dinner together, go to the movies? What, start e-mailing each other? Summer vacations? Is he out of his fucking mind?!


 * Phyllis: Tell me about Jerry Seinfeld and tell me about...he dates those young girls-
 * Larry: Well, um, he's a eunuch. Yes. His testicles were cut off when he was about 13 because he was in the Beth Shalom choir. And, um, that's what he wanted to be, he was a choirboy.
 * Phyllis: Julia, is that true? Does he really have no testicles?
 * Julia Louis-Dreyfus: You know, I've got to tell you, I don't have any fucking idea.


 * Cheryl: I guess Julia will have to come back over. You'll just have to arrange another meeting.
 * Larry: Are you out of your mind now?

Aamco [1.7]

 * Julie: [referring to Larry's movie "Sour Grapes"] I enjoyed it. It was interesting. It was such a perfect length.
 * Larry: That's my specialty, length.
 * Julie: Well, I thought it was a good length
 * Larry: The width, what about the width? There's some good width in that movie.


 * Hobo: Got any spare change?
 * Jeff: Nah, I got nothing, man.
 * Larry: [hands him some leftovers] Want this?
 * Hobo: What is it?
 * Larry: It's tuna.
 * Hobo: I don't like tuna.


 * Larry: What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?


 * Larry: [after the dinner party] Hey, when's the next meeting of the Young Republicans club?


 * Cheryl: [referring to the caterer who stole their food] You know, this is very unprofessional if you ask me.
 * Larry: It's completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career's been based on being unprofessional.


 * Caterer: [regarding the leftovers] Uhm, I'm really not sure that everything survived the trip here, so..
 * Larry: "Survived the trip here"? Where did you come from? The Sudan?

Beloved Aunt [1.8]

 * Jeff: How did she die?
 * Larry: Killed herself.
 * Jeff: No, she didn't.
 * Larry: Killed herself.
 * Jeff: Why?
 * Larry: Nobody knows, she didn't leave a note. That is so rude, isn't it?
 * Jeff: That's really rude.
 * Larry: I mean, if you leave your house for ten minutes to go get a container of milk, you tell somebody where you went.
 * Jeff: I let my wife know before I go anywhere.
 * Larry: Yeah. Would it have killed her to leave a note?


 * Cheryl's Dad: But we have to continue.
 * Relative: We must go on.
 * Larry: Must go on! Can't go on! Must go on!


 * Larry: [stuffing fruit in his mouth] How many do you think I can get in my mouth at a time?


 * [Larry walks in on Cheryl's family after they finished reading the obituary. They all glare at him]
 * Larry: What?
 * Cheryl: "What?" We got a paper, that's what!
 * Cheryl's Dad: "Devoted sister, beloved cunt"?! [showing Larry the paper] That's what you put in the paper?!
 * Larry: [In shock] This is a typo! It should be "aunt"!
 * Cheryl: Did Jeff look at this before he turned it in?
 * Larry: They have proofreaders at papers!


 * Susie: [after reading the obituary, to Jeff] Do me a favor. When I die, let someone else handle the obit, OK?


 * Jeff: You gotta go.
 * Larry: What?
 * Jeff: You gotta go.
 * Larry: The hell are you talking about?
 * Jeff: You copped a feel off my mom, you gotta go.


 * Larry: Your mother thinks I touched her breast? That is so sick!
 * Jeff: It's what she thinks. What can I say? Sweet dreams.
 * Larry: "Sweet dreams". I'll dream about fucking your mother. "Sweet dreams."


 * Jeff: Do me a favor. Let me take care of the sunglasses.
 * Larry: The sunglasses?
 * Jeff: Give them to me, let me take care of them.
 * Larry: You want me to give a gift now?
 * Jeff: You gave it to her.
 * Larry: After this "entertaining" evening?
 * Jeff: C'mon, you gave it to her.
 * Larry: I don't think so. No.
 * Jeff: That's called "Indian giving".
 * Larry: Yes, I know what it's called. It's a very racist term but I'm okay with that.


 * Craig: Hi, Larry!
 * Larry: Hey, buddy! Hey, thanks for ratting me out to Becky, really appreciated it.
 * Craig: I did not rat you out.
 * Larry: You told her everything we talked about. And I told you not to say anything.
 * Craig: Well, that's your problem.
 * Larry: What a jerk.
 * Craig: Oh, I'm a jerk? Is that right? [starts to roll up sleeves]
 * Larry: Oh boy, oh boy. What are you going to do beat me up?
 * Craig: Maybe I will.
 * Larry: Go ahead! Take a shot!

Affirmative Action [1.9]

 * Richard: Dr. Grambs, this is my friend, Larry David.
 * Larry: Hi, how you doing?
 * Richard: He's my dermatologist.
 * Larry: Really?
 * Richard: Yeah, for what, fifteen years already?
 * Larry: Even with the whole affirmative action thing?


 * Larry: Why don't we just call your doctor?
 * Cheryl: You can't call my doctor on the weekends, unless it's a life threatening emergency.
 * Larry: What?
 * Cheryl: Yeah, if you call his machine, it'll tell you you can't page him.
 * Larry: You called up and that's what it said?
 * Cheryl: Yeah.
 * Larry: That is obscene, you know that? [imitating the doctor] "Can't disturb the doctor on the weekend! Don't call the Dr. Zeppler on the weekend unless it's life-threatening!"
 * Cheryl: OK, OK.
 * Larry: [imitates the doctor's wife] "Norman, is someone calling? Who's calling? We're in the middle of dinner, Norman!"
 * Cheryl: Larry...
 * Larry: "This better be life-threatening or you're not gonna leave this house!"
 * Cheryl: Larry, please. I'm begging you.
 * Larry: "Norman! Unless they were burned in a fire I don't want you getting up from your chair. Do you understand, Norman?"


 * [after figuring out the navigation system for his car]
 * Larry: I can't wait to call my parents. They are gonna be so proud of me! When I tell my father I figured out out that navigation system, he's gonna flip his wig! And he's got one too!
 * Cheryl: Can we turn on the radio?
 * Larry: Oh, he's gonna be very proud of Larry figuring out the navigation system!
 * Cheryl: Please.
 * Larry: "Daddy, I'm not so stupid!"

The Group [1.10]

 * [Larry has been forced to go to an incest survivor group as support for his ex-girlfriend]:
 * Larry: My name is Todd, and I'm an incest survivor.
 * Incest Survivor Group: Hi, Todd.
 * Larry: Hello, I had sex with my uncle when I was 12. He lived in Great Neck, he was a doctor. An osteopath--I don't even know what they do, but I know they're doctors. Something to do with muscles, I think. Neither here nor there.