Daria (season 5)


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Daria is an American animated sitcom created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn for MTV. The series focuses on Daria Morgendorffer, a smart, acerbic, and somewhat misanthropic teenage girl who observes the world around her.

Fizz Ed [5.01]

 * Daria: You're planning to make soda companies bid against each other for the right to market their products in Lawndale High?
 * Mr. Lamm: That's right. All you kids have to do is what you'd do anyway: drink soda.
 * Daria: Does that mean that everywhere I turn I'll run into a vending machine?
 * Mr. Lamm: Well, there wouldn't be much value to the contract if the product weren't easily available. [chuckles]
 * Daria: And what else?
 * Mr. Lamm: Nothing but a few small discreet advertising posters in the halls. Nothing in questionable taste. And, if we're lucky, an exciting new high-tech scoreboard for athletic events, boys' and girls'.
 * Daria: So the school will, in effect, be endorsing the soda? Is that really the school's role, to become a shill?
 * Mr. Lamm: Miss... do you drink soda?
 * Daria: Huh? Of course.
 * Mr. Lamm: So?
 * Daria: This isn't about whether I like soda. It's about whether a public high school should be using its status as a place of authority to serve as one more marketing tentacle of corporate America. With the taxpayers subsidizing it.
 * Mr. Lamm: Surely you give your friends enough credit to know when they're being taught and when they're being sold to?
 * Daria: I give them enough credit to figure out about three seconds after those machines arrive that they can't trust this institution. The few who still do.


 * Ms. Barch: Class, there's been a change in our lesson plan. Today we'll discuss the planets' relative distance from the sun.
 * Upchuck: But we did that two weeks ago, Ms. B.
 * Ms. Barch: And now we're going to do it again, Charles. Unless you wish to spend the period in independent study?
 * Upchuck: [shivers] No... not the closet.
 * Ms. Barch: Now, the reason for the change is that I've received a brand new... [distastefully] ...learning aid. [pulls out a mobile made of Ultra Cola cans, and begins reading off a cue card] "Why, look, students. A three-dimensional model of our solar system, graciously provided by Ultra Cola. Ultra Cola: the favorite beverage in any universe." [sighs] "We can use it to discuss which planets' atmospheres might support the process of carbonation." Or I can just spend the rest of the day in the teachers' bathroom, staring at the tiles. [leaves]
 * Ms. Li: [over P.A.] Good Ultra Cola morning, students. I am pleased to announce an Ultra Cola schedule change. From now on, the period between classes will be increased from five minutes to 10, allowing you more time to get to your Ultra Cola lockers, organize your Ultra Cola backpacks, and still enjoy a delicious Ultra Cola. Ultra Cola: the refreshing way to learn. [clicks off]

Sappy Anniversary [5.02]

 * Jake: "Feeling boxed in? Leading corrugated cardboard manufacturer seeks senior VP of sales and marketing?" Damn it, Helen, I'm a man with my own business. I'll never work for somebody else again! Never, do you hear me?! And shame on you for suggesting it. Shame, Helen, shame...
 * Helen: Jake, I'm so sorry.
 * Jake: Hey, look at this one! "Kick-ass I-startup, superjazzed about expansion, seeks visionary dot-com expert for media leadership position." Where do I sign up?!
 * Helen: Jake, you don't know a thing about the Internet.
 * Jake: [sarcastic] Oh, but I'm an expert on cardboard!


 * Barkman: Thanks, Nora. Now Jake is going to wow us with his new plan for increasing our visibility in the marketplace.
 * [Nora sits while Jake stands at the head of the table]
 * Jake: Increasing visibility is a good thing, and it will surely make us more... visible. To do that we should, uh... develop our strategy and strategize our development. Implement solutions and solutionize implementations. Aggressively. [the room is silent] Edgy?
 * Barkman: Jake, I hate to say this, but you're just spouting a bunch of buzzwords. You're not paradigm-shifting. You're all sizzle and no steak.
 * Jake: But I did have steak... and charts and graphs and animated dollar bills that danced around and sang songs. I was almost finished and then... my screen froze. Damn computer! It ate everything! Big, fat, smug, damn, stupid, crappy piece of crappy crap! [starts sobbing]

Fat Like Me [5.03]

 * [the Fashion Club is meeting in Sandi's bedroom]
 * Sandi: Then it's unanimous. Under no circumstances will the Fashion Club accept applicants with stubby fingertips. Stacy, what is the next qualification to discuss under our agenda?
 * Stacy: Weight guidelines...unless you want to talk about something else!
 * Sandi: If it's all right with you, Stacy, I prefer to conduct this meeting in an orderly fashion. With that said, I'm moving to scale back the number of allowable of pounds back by three.
 * Quinn: Um, Sandi, I think it's a really cute idea and all, but it might make it really hard to find new members.
 * Sandi: Obviously I'm the only one in this room concerned with the burgeoning obesity problem tearing apart the very fabric of our land.
 * Stacy: Not the fabric!
 * Sandi: If I must stand alone in setting exemplary standards for others to follow, so be it. You're all overruled. Next topic.
 * Sam: That's mine! Give it back!
 * Chris: Forget it, jerko!
 * Stacy: Um, the next topic is eyelash density.
 * Chris: You suck! You suck!
 * Sandi: Excuse me. [she leaves the room and sees Sam and Chris fighting over the remote] Shut up, you little brats!
 * Sam: Give me the remote!
 * [the truck suddenly heads right for Sandi's legs and Sandi trips over the truck and tumbles down the stairs]
 * Sandi: [laying at the bottom of the stairs, clutching her leg] My leg! It's broken!


 * [in the bathroom]
 * Jane: Should we tell her it's easier to speak if you open your mouth?
 * Tiffany: [enters the bathroom] Stacy, what time is the Fashion Club meeting today?
 * Stacy: There is no meeting.
 * Tiffany: How co-
 * Stacy: How come?! Because I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of doing all the work while you just sit there. I tried my best, and even if it wasn't as good as Sandi's or Quinn's, a chain is only as strong as its weakest round thingy, and you refused to lift one freakin' finger! I'm through running the Fashion Club all by myself while you [imitates Tiffany] stare.... in the mirror.... and talk.... about yourself.... [normal voice] and I, I, I quit!
 * Tiffany: Hmm, maybe I should quit, too.
 * [Stacy leaves, while Tiffany starts plucking her eyebrows]
 * Jane: You saw it here first. The Fashion Club is dead. Pay me my 80 smackers.

Camp Fear [5.04]

 * [Daria's flashback]
 * Helen: Daria, you're never going to make friends if you keep your nose buried in a book.
 * Young Daria: Let's hope. [Helen sighs and takes book away from Daria] Hey!
 * Helen: Now where's Quinn?
 * Jake: Dammit! I knew we forgot something.
 * [Back window of car rolls down to show young Quinn hiding inside]
 * Helen: Come on, Quinn. We're here. [opens door]
 * Young Quinn: I don't want to go to camp! [Helen pulls Quinn from car] I don't want to go to camp! Hey, that girl has my backpack! [runs over to younger Tracy, Cindy and Tatiana] Look, I have the same backpack.
 * Tracy: Hmm. I can see where the untrained eye would think so. It's quite a skillful imitation.
 * Young Quinn: Um, I like your hair.
 * Cindy: Who's that weird girl over there with your parents?
 * Tatiana: She's so pale.
 * Young Quinn: That's my sis...cousin! Distant cousin.
 * [flashback ends]


 * Skip: Get your Grizzly Burgers. Rare, medium, but always well-done. [Daria and Amelia come with their plates holding hamburger buns. Then, Daria picks up a burger and places it on her bun] Hey! What are you doing?
 * Daria: Hunting for my dinner, and I only kill what I plan to eat.
 * Skip: No-one takes a burger until I say so. I've got a whole system here. It's all timed to perfection.
 * Daria: I didn't realize the burgers were landing at Normandy.
 * Skip: [uses spatula to take burger from Daria and put it back on grill] That one's yours, you touched it. I'll let you know when it's ready.
 * Daria: Okay, I'll be on the troopship leading the other burgers in prayer.

The Story of D [5.05]

 * Helen: But Rita, if Erin never loved him, why'd she marry him in the first place? [pause] Once he gave her herpes she didn't think anyone else would want her? Oh Lord, Rita, it's a new millennium. When will people get rid of these outmoded ideas about sex? [to Quinn] Where's your sister?
 * Quinn: In her room.
 * Helen: Is Tom with her?
 * Quinn: Mom! I'm not J. Edgar Winter!
 * Helen: Talk to your aunt! [runs up the stairs]
 * Quinn: Hello? [pause] It's Quinn, Aunt Rita. Well, of course she should divorce him, he's short!


 * Jane: He meant well, for a teacher who does nothing well.
 * Daria: I'm reminded of my father.
 * Jane: What? Why?
 * Daria: Because I can't get the phrase, "damn idiot teachers with their damn idiot brains," out of my head.
 * Jodie: [enters] Hey, Daria, congratulations. A published story, that's amazing.
 * [Kevin and Brittany approach them]
 * Daria: Um, it's not exactly published. I sent it in, but I haven't heard back.
 * Kevin: Then why are you telling everybody that it's been published?
 * Jane: Oh, you know Daria and her compulsive need to impress.
 * Brittany: Oh. But then instead of making up stuff about writing, shouldn't you pick something good?
 * Daria: How's this? During the day, I'm a mild-mannered student. But at night, I fight crime in a stretchy-stretchy costume.
 * Kevin: Cool! I didn't know that.
 * Brittany: She doesn't really.
 * Kevin: But she just said.
 * Brittany: Kevie, you're so gullible. [she drags Kevin away]
 * Kevin: She wears it on weekends, come on.
 * Jodie: You know, my mother gets Musings and their fiction is awful. I bet you'll have no trouble getting in.
 * Daria: Gee, thanks.
 * Jodie: That's not what I meant.
 * Daria: [sighs] I know, thanks.
 * Jodie: Good luck. [she exits and Ms. Barch enters]
 * Ms. Barch: Daria, in the name of Jane Austin, Emily Dickinson, Anne Bronte, Emily Bronte, and Charlotte Bronte, I want to say, "You go, girl!"
 * Jane: That's just how they would have put it.
 * Daria: Who told you?
 * Ms. Barch: Er, uh, um, nobody. It certainly didn't come up during anything other than normal in-school chitchat among colleagues. Fully dressed. With no oils involved.
 * Daria: Ever have one of those moments that no shower, no matter the duration nor the temperature, can ever erase?
 * Jane: I'm leaning toward trauma-induced amnesia myself. Punch my head, would ya?

Lucky Strike [5.06]

 * Quinn: And my Language Arts substitute wouldn't stop talking about this stupid novel he's writing!
 * Helen: Mm-hmm...
 * Quinn: About some professor who dates a budding child woman because he wants to blossom her.
 * Helen: Mm-hmm...
 * Quinn: And then he started acting out his stupid book for us, stroking Tiffany's hair and telling her about his anguished soul...
 * Helen: Mm-hmm... what?! He was stroking Tiffany's hair?!
 * Quinn: I know! Like Tiffany would ever date someone who wore a tweed jacket.
 * Helen: Daria! Get me the... [she takes the phone away from Daria where this was headed moments earlier] Thank you.


 * [the "devil" and the "angel" versions of Daria appear]
 * Devil Daria: Not so fast. You'll get out of gym class.
 * Angel Daria: You? A scab?
 * Devil Daria: Oh, great. Touched by an angel.
 * Angel Daria: You'd be betraying your teachers.
 * Devil Daria: Hey, yeah! You'd be betraying your teachers!
 * Angel Daria: You'd just be falling into the same trap that managements always use to keep wages low and workers weak.
 * Devil Daria: Oh, go dance on the head of a pin. You could make Quinn's life really miserable.
 * Angel Daria: Huh. That's a good point.
 * Devil Daria: Hey, you hungry?
 * Angel Daria: Yeah, we can pick this up later.
 * [the "devil" and the "angel" disappear]

Art Burn [5.07]

 * Trent: Max, can't you look any more existential?
 * Max: Existential? You said nihilistic.
 * Jesse: I feel like I should be doing something. [after a beat, waves]
 * [Daria and Jane appears with video camera]
 * Daria: Shouldn't he have a sign that says, "Hi, Mom."
 * Jane: Uh, Jesse? Why don't you, um, cue the fog machine.
 * [Jesse reaches over rail and turns on "Big Fog" fog machine. It begins to emit smoke, and knocks. Smoke envelopes the band, causing all to cough]
 * Nick: It's gonna blow!
 * [Band runs away from gazebo moments before fog machine explodes, leaving a column of smoke where it was]
 * Daria: Wow. Real life drama.
 * Jane: [pats camera] And I got every second of it.


 * [At caricature booth, artist turns finished drawing to show seated Fashion Club. Sandi, Quinn and Tiffany gasp in shock]
 * Sandi: [going to artist] I do not look like that!
 * Tiffany: It's like our features are exaggerated or something.
 * Artist: Hey, if you don't want it, don't buy it. I'll use it as a sample.
 * Quinn: [rises] But you can't put it on display! Someone might see it!
 * Sandi: [takes drawing and hands over money] I'll take that as exhibit "A." Come on, maybe we can find someone else to insult us.
 * [Sandi, Quinn, and Tiffany leave while Stacy hangs back as artist shrugs]

One J at a Time [5.08]

 * Quinn: Sandi helped me break my list into three categories: looks, popularity, and how well his hair matches my clothes.
 * Helen: You know Quinn, looks and popularity aren't really what's important in a relationship.
 * Quinn: Then what is?
 * Daria: The ability to fix major appliances.
 * Quinn: Hmm...yes, I can see that.
 * [Daria cracks her soda and walks off]
 * Helen: What's really important is that you find someone that you enjoy being with.
 * Quinn: You mean like how I enjoyed Kyle taking me to Le Yeast last night.
 * Helen: I mean someone you can get along with for more than one evening. Who can share your hopes and dreams, your trials and disappointments. Someone you look forward to seeing day after day, week after week, [angrier] month after month, year after year, the same old complaints about his uncaring father. God is he ever going to get over --
 * Quinn: Mo-oommmm! That's so boring!
 * Helen: Uh, not at all! That's compatibality!
 * Quinn: [gets up and leaves] I think I'll finish this upstairs.


 * Helen: [notices something] Oh my, where is everyone?
 * Daria: Dad, Tom and Jeffy are outside trying to catch a squirrel and Quinn's in her room crying.
 * Helen: Why? What happened?
 * Daria: Male bonding, I guess.
 * Helen: I mean with Quinn.
 * Daria: Oh. She said something about failing at relationships.
 * Helen: What? Just because Jeffy joined your father on some ridiculous squirrel chase, she thinks her relationship is over?
 * Daria: Well, she might have had slightly unrealistic expectations about what having a boyfriend entails.
 * Helen: Uh-huh. And just what would some of these expectations be?
 * Daria: You know, being together twenty-four hours a day, hanging on each other's every word, his-and-hers cemetery plots.
 * Helen: Daria, how could you mislead your sister like that!? [leaves]
 * Daria: Mother. How could I not? [looks back outside and sees Tom, Jake, and Jeffy celebrating the capture of the squirrel and walks back to her seat] And what about me? I finally get up the nerve to invite Tom for a family dinner and everyone leaves me, confirming my deepest fears about abandonment and isolation. Oh look, shoestring potatoes.

Life in the Past Lane [5.09]

 * Jane: And he wares cuff links, and drives one of those big old cars with fins. How great is that?
 * Daria: Do you think it's a good idea to pick up a perfect stranger while under the influence of ink well fumes? Even if he has come here from prehistoric times.
 * Jane: Hey, if I didn't have the nerve to pick up guys, you wouldn't have a boyfriend.
 * Daria: Oh great. I'm not going to have to date this guy now, am I?
 * Jane and Tom: Hey!
 * Daria: [shrugs] What'd I say?
 * Tom: I don't know, I hate the present too, but not enough to ware a zoot suit.
 * Jane: He doesn't ware a zoot suit. He's a snappy dresser in the classical-elegant sense. Plus, he has impecable manners and a biting whit.
 * Daria: Oh, so he's--
 * Jane: And he loves girls!!
 * Daria: Okay, he's got it all. [looks at Tom] Not like some guys.
 * Tom: It's true. If I really cared, I'd dress like a dead man too.
 * Jane: [stands up] Thanks for the encourgement, you two. Maybe sometime you can teach me how to pass judgement on someone I've never met.
 * Daria: She's going to be dissappointed.
 * Tom: Yeah. That's not really the kind of thing you can teach.


 * Trent: Whoa, canary yellow!
 * Nathan: Hi, I'm Nathan. Jane's escort for the evening. You must be Trent. It's great to finally meet you.
 * [they shake hands]
 * Trent: Yeah. Same here. [looks Nathan over] You, um, dress like that every day?
 * Nathan: Sure. Do you?
 * Trent: What?
 * Nathan: Dress like that? I mean, the 60s are over.
 * Trent: The 40s were over first.
 * Nathan: Maybe, but great style is timeless.
 * Trent: That's exactly what I was going to say. Thanks.
 * Nathan No, thank you.
 * [they shake hands again]

Aunt Nauseam [5.10]

 * Stacy: Well, I think I should have the dress because Tiffany looks good in anything, whereas I don't due to a slight asymmetry in my shoulders that is very painful for me even to mention, but which this particular dress minimizes while setting off my eyes.
 * Sandi: Very good, Stacy. And now, Tiffany?
 * Tiffany: Well, I think I should have the dress.
 * Sandi: Um, Tiffany, is there anything you want to add?
 * Tiffany: Yes. Thank you and God bless.
 * Sandi: [to Quinn] Perhaps a debate is not the way to go here.


 * Tom: Anyway, what about a movie tonight?
 * Daria: I can't. I promised Quinn I'd watch Gone With the Wind with her.
 * [Tom starts laughing, then trails off when he realizes Daria is serious]
 * Tom: Okay, that freaks me out and scares me.
 * Daria: Pray for me.

Prize Fighters [5.11]

 * Jodie: [about Jane] She sounded just like you.
 * Daria: Does that mean I sound like you?
 * Brittany: [passing by them] Hi!
 * Daria: If either of us starts to sound like her, it's time to panic.


 * Mr. Brower: Ms. Morgendorffer, why do YOU deserve the Wizard Scholarship?
 * Daria: Whether or not I deserve anything is irrelevant, assuming you run your scholarship program the same way you run your company. Since the token women and minorities you hire rarely move up into upper-management, and since I won't give the answers you want to hear in the hopes of somehow bucking the odds, I guess you can just pass on me as if I were one of your female employees up for promotion.
 * Mr. Brower: Ms. Morgendorffer, you seem to have a bit of an attitude problem. Are you trying to sabotage yourself?
 * Daria: I'm responding to your questions truthfully, so I guess the answer is "yes".

My Night at Daria's [5.12]

 * Jodie: Hey. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of as long as you're responsible.
 * Daria: So then you and Mack have.... been responsible?
 * Jodie: Um.... I really don't want to discuss that right now.
 * Daria: I understand.
 * Jodie I promise: Soon as my parents are dead, I'll tell you all about it.


 * Daria: So, um...should we pick a date?
 * Tom: Well...my parents are going out of town next weekend. How about then?
 * Daria: No fair. Home court advantage.
 * Tom: Fine. Your place.
 * Daria: Like I'd ever find all the microphones Mom's hidden around my room.
 * Tom: The Rendezvous Motel? You know, on Route 6.
 * Daria: Gee, don't make me feel too special.
 * Tom: All right, the boathouse at the lake, with the stars, the moon, the water?
 * Daria: And the mosquitoes, the splinters, the security patrol?
 * Tom: [frowning slightly] Okay, how about Mars, then? Soon as that whole colonization thing gets going?

Boxing Daria [5.13]

 * Daria: Did I tell you Tom's going away for a week?
 * Jane: To "the cove?"
 * Daria: How'd you know?
 * Jane: That's the only place his family ever goes. I think they're training a secret militia up there.
 * Daria: I wish. That's so much more exciting than them just being too damn cheap to go anywhere interesting.
 * Jane: Hey, how do you think old money gets old?
 * Daria: Anyway, he'll be up there for a family wedding, so more time for you and me to hang out.
 * Jane: Haven't we had this conversation before? Only I said what you're saying and you said what I'm saying?


 * [Daria and Jane are conducting one of the middle school student tours]
 * Daria: Now, over here is the lunchroom. As middle school veterans, you already know that this is the center for spitballs, laughing milk up through your nose, and food poisoning of every variety.
 * Jane: Who here wants to slip me a 20 to point out the popular table so you can start fighting for a seat now?
 * [the kids look on, confused by what they're hearing]
 * Daria: Okay. Let's move on to Hell and Purgatory, also known as the gym and locker rooms.
 * Jane: Where, for 20 bucks, I'll show you which showers haven't been peed in... to my knowledge.
 * [now the kids look shocked]
 * Daria: My friend is just kidding you, of course. They've all been peed in. [she and Jane then begin leading the students towards the gym] Now, as we head for the gym, take special note of the fine industrial grade lockers, which make the perfect noise when you bang your head against them.