Death to Smoochy

Death to Smoochy is a 2002 dark comedy about a former child's television host who, after being fired, goes out to seek revenge on "Smoochy the Rhino", the replacement host for his show.
 * Written by Adam Resnick. Directed by Danny DeVito.

Rainbow Randolph

 * I despise you... I LOATHE YOU!!! Bastard son of Barney! Die! Die, stuffed ball of fluff! Illegitimate Teletubbie! Die, you Muppet from hell! Die, you foam motherfucker! Die! Die!
 * Even when you're squeaky clean, you can still fall in the mud.
 * [Smoochy holds up a penis-shaped cookie made by Randolph] What are you, blind? It's a cock! It's not a rocket, you dumb fuck! It's a cock! Look. It's a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! Yeah, it's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that? It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made this. It's made from dil-dough.
 * You better grow eyes in the back of your fucking head, you horned piece of shit, because I'm not gonna sleep until worms are crawling right up your foamy rubber ass! I'm going on a safari, motherfucker! SAH-FAR-I! [makes an elephant noise]
 * [to a baby, after framing Sheldon] Hello, little nipple-nibbler. The rhino's a Nazi!
 * [after getting egged] I've been shot! I'm bleeding! Salmonella! You're a lawyer! That's salmonella!
 * [after being assaulted by Tommy and her henchmen] All right, you spudsucking fucks! I'm suing your Riverdance ass! [heavy Irish accent] I'm gonna send you all the way back home, eh?!
 * [to Sheldon] Do not start with your magician's tricks, young Moses! I am Pharaoh! And you are my slave...and this is my kingdom! [starts singing to the tune of Old MacDonald Had a Farm] Rainbow Randolph is the man; Yes, oh, yes, he is! He's the king of Rainbowland; Yes, oh, yes, he is! With some fun, fun here and a laugh, laugh there, Here a dance, there a song; everything is fun, fun! Rainbow Randolph is the King [stars to cry] La, la, la, la...[covers his face]

Sheldon Mopes/Smoochy

 * [singing] Where can you go when skies turn grey? Where the sun always shines and the animals play? Where every day is a happy day? Well, Smoochy's here to show the way!


 * When my brothers and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.


 * [singing] He slams the door, He stomps his feet, He sends me to bed with zilch to eat. But my step-dad's not mean, he's just adjusting.


 * Captain Kangaroo, like Jesus, was someone you could really believe in. With those guys, it wasn't about the bells and whistles and the ricketa-racketa; it was all about the work. Especially Jesus.


 * Now I'm not pointing any fingers, Lord knows you start pointing fingers and someone's gonna get poked. And I want you both to know that its not my intention to try and poke either of you.


 * You can't change the world but you can make a dent.


 * Someone toss me a beach towel because my head is swimming.


 * Let's face it. Big junkies come from little junkies. We gotta nip this in the bud, Burke!


 * There are a lot of kids and a lot of junkies out there who are counting on me.

Other

 * Angelo Pike: He was jacked up higher than a prom dress in June.


 * Tommy Kotter: [at a funeral] It's a shame this happened. Okay, now let's go pray and get shit-faced.


 * Nora Wells: You're here to sell sugar and plastic.
 * Merv Green: Wipe your forehead Frank, you got plenty of time to sweat.


 * Merv Green: Eventually we all grow old and die, only sometimes the growing old part doesn't happen.

Dialogue

 * Randolph: You want your little booger eater on my show?
 * Wife: Yes, very much.
 * Randolph: Then don't tell me how to run my fucking business.


 * Tommy: We're going to find him, cut off his balls, and shove 'em up his ass.
 * Sheldon: Well, maybe we should leave that for the cops, Tommy.
 * Roy: Cops won't do the ball thing, it's against procedure.


 * Sheldon: I'll be in my office, the big one with a view!
 * Nora: They all have views, you dumb shit!
 * Sheldon: Not looking this way, cupcake!


 * [Randolph mentions his long-ago affair with Nora]
 * Nora: That was a long time ago. I was young and stupid.
 * Randolph: And limber.


 * Cop: Are you okay?
 * Randolph: I don't know. I'm kinda fucked up in general, so it's hard to gauge.


 * [Merv gets kidnapped by the mob]
 * Merv Green: It was a mistake! An honest mistake! I only did it to help the children!
 * Tommy Kotter: You like kids, eh?
 * Merv Green: Yes!
 * Tommy Kotter: You like fairy tales, then?
 * Merv Green: Yeah!
 * Tommy Kotter: Jimmy, tell him the one about the worthless prick that got his head chopped off with an axe.


 * Tommy Kotter: Roy, have you got the hammer?
 * Roy: Always got the hammer, Tommy.


 * Bartender: I never saw anyone get buzzed off of orange juice.
 * Sheldon: Let me tell you a secret - if you squirt a little liquid alfalfa in, it's blast-off time.


 * Reporter: How does it feel to be the most hated man in America?
 * Randolph: In this country full of neanderthals, I wear it as a fucking badge of honor.
 * Reporter 2: Nora Wells says you have an unhealthy obsession with Mopes.
 * Randolph: I barely know that bitch, okay? And she's been down on everything but the Titanic. She spreads like cream cheese for Sheldon.
 * Reporter 3: What about the rumors that you're mentally imbalanced?
 * Randolph: WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT?! THAT'S BULLSHIT!!! I'm not mentally imbalanced. I'm on the same dosage I've always been.


 * [As Randolph and Buggy dangle from a ceiling catwalk]
 * Randolph: Let go of me you FUCKING JUNKIE!
 * [As Buggy loses his grip, plummeting to his death]
 * Buggy: I never saw Venice!


 * Randolph: I'm a fraud. I'm a wicked man who's done some wicked acts.
 * Sheldon: Well, it's like the song says... [flips the gun's cylinder in place] We all have our bad days.

Taglines

 * Get ready for an unexpected hit.
 * He's Big, He's Blue, He's Smoochy... and He's got to DIE!
 * It's the Rhino vs. the Wino... with a little help from the mob

Cast

 * Robin Williams
 * Edward Norton
 * Catherine Keener
 * Jon Stewart
 * Danny DeVito
 * Harvey Fierstein