Destroy All Humans!

Destroy All Humans! is a video game developed by Pandemic Studios and published by THQ. The player controls Cryptosporidium-137, a member of the Furon race of aliens, who has come to Earth to harvest DNA from humans to continue the cloning process of his species.

Cryptosporidium

 * Any of those baboons lay ONE hairy finger on ME, I'll rip 'em a new asshole!
 * [referring to a cow] But they're covered in nipples!


 * What's shakin', Pox? You look a little... what's the word... constipated.


 * Okay, monkeys. You want a war? You got a war.


 * Don't get mad, get sadistic.


 * I think this calls for the JUMBO PROBE.


 * A Cryptosporidium captured by a buncha monkeys?! We gotta go in! We gotta crack some craniums! We gotta rescue me - him - he's gotta rescue me - I mean, we gotta - I gotta - brains, man - WHEN DO I GET TO BLOW THINGS UP?!


 * [disguised as Mayor of Rockwell] Greetings, fellow human agricultural engineers. There is nothing going on here. Everything is normal. Carry on with your pathetic human lives. That is all.


 * [disguised as Mayor of Rockwell] I kid the flying saucer freaks - but seriously, they add a lot of local colour to the community, don't they? I mean, without them, we'd have nobody to ostracize but the inbreeders! Badda-bing! Is this thing on?


 * [disguised as President Huffman] The truth is, America has been attacked. Not by little green men, but red - and our invaders are most definitely of this Earth. Despite the efforts of this administration, our nation has been infiltrated by Communists.


 * Attention, humans: I am Cryptosporidium of the planet Furon. This planet is now a territory of the Furon Empire. Resist THIS. [crushes Silhouette's head underfoot]


 * No more... blowing stuff up?


 * Pathetic Humans!


 * Snack time.


 * It's probin' time!

Orthopox

 * Now, then. I know what you're thinking: "What can I, a lowly novice, do to help bring about the destruction of Earth and the inevitable reign of the Furon Empire?!" Well, I'll tell you. It was in the earliest days of the Empire that we realized our species was doomed. Eons of waging war on inferior races with unregulated atomic weaponry had mutated our genes. We could not propagate, due to a complete and utter lack of genitalia. Fortunately, a Furon ship happened upon Earth on its way back from destroying the Martians. Human society was young and... nubile. Sailors on a foreign planet, letting off steam, one thing led to another... Long story short: every human being alive today has, buried deep within his genetic code, a strand of Furon DNA. Over the eons we've learned to clone ourselves, but with each iteration the information degrades, and the results are increasingly unpredictable. The Furon genes in humanity's DNA are ancient, uncorrupted. They represent the future of the Furon race. If only we can get at them...


 * (After letting the game sit for a while) Oh, don't mind me. I'm only a fictional character in a simulated universe, after all. I haven't anything better to do, really. I'm just a bunch of electrons floating around inside your console, and a few hundred kilobytes of data stored on your DAS disk. DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO MEEEE!


 * (After letting the game sit for a while) Well, it's your electric bill. You could turn the console off, you know. Haven't you ever heard of global warming?


 * (After letting the game sit for a while) Take a step outside the mothership. There's a whole planet full of feeble humans just waiting to be stomped on!


 * (After letting the game sit for a while) Didn't anyone tell you? The name of the game is "Destroy All Humans!", not "Screw Around On The Mothership!"


 * (After letting the game sit for a while) You know, you should be out destroying humans right now, instead of twiddling your thumbs!


 * (After letting the game sit for a while) Why don't you hurry up and eat your fish and chips and watch your television?!


 * (After letting the game sit for a while) You know, this isn't much fun for me. But I don't suppose you ever stopped to consider that, did you?! Oh, no! You just wandered away from the TV to do whatever it is you're doing, leaving me here talking to myself like some kind of pathetic loser, while you eat your chips and dip!


 * (After letting the game sit for a while) Anybody there? No? Well, take your time. All the time in the world. Lots and lots of time... (starts snoring)


 * So what would you like to upgrade, you little ball of unbridled aggression?


 * Saucer upgrades - excellent choice! Chicks dig a souped-up ride!


 * [about the saucer] Here's the keys, and do be careful with this one, 00-- I mean, Crypto.
 * [if the player can't afford upgrades] If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding.


 * [if the player can't afford upgrades] Oh, and I suppose you expect me to just hand over upgrades for a song?!


 * [if the player can't afford upgrades] We are living in a material world, Crypto, and I am a material... err, Furon.


 * [if the player can't afford upgrades] Grease my palm, capiche?


 * [if the player can't afford upgrades] No DNA, no upgrade. Dem's the rules, partner.


 * [if the player can't afford upgrades] There's a sucker born every minute! But I had mine removed.


 * [if the player can't afford upgrades] I must look like the most gullible Furon in the universe!


 * Crypto! That human law-enforcement officer is attempting an unauthorized entry of your spacecraft! If those peabrains were to get their hands on your Quantum Deconstructor, they could rip a hole in the spacetime continuum! Oh, the Furonity! Vaporize them, Crypto!


 * Roswell, Rockwell... Ugh! That's the last time I take directions from a Cryptosporidium!


 * If I'd known you were going to behave like this, I would have rung the humans up ahead of time! "Hi, how's the family? Everything's super here, we'll most likely be by to invade you in the morning!" BRAINS, CRYPTO, TRY TO BE DISCREET!


 * Oh no, the crackpot is dead! Now you have no choice, you'll just have to find Bert Wither on your own.


 * Brains? ... Healthy green glow? ... Those human fools! Clearly, they've genetically altered these pathetic gasbags and turned them into radioactive, exploding zombie cows! Show them the folly of their mad science!


 * Robo-Prez is getting away! It looks like he's heading for the Coolidge Memorial! Or is that the Rutherford B. Hayes Monument? Oh, I should have kept a hold on that tourist map.


 * ROBO-PREZ! ROBO-PREZ! He's heading for the white building! No, the "other" white building! You know, the one with the statue of the tall ugly guy with the beard, he's, like, Amish or something!


 * Oh, how cute! Robo-Prez is all hurt, and he's picking up his brain-stem and heading home! Poor little Robo-Prez, everybody's so mean to him! FOLLOW HIM TO THE WHITE HOUSE AND CRUSH HIM LIKE A TIN CAN IN A TRASH COMPACTOR!


 * We cannot allow Sleepy Ernst to turn humanity into his own supply of science guinea pigs! They should be OUR guinea pigs!


 * Look out, it's an ambush! Circle the wagons! Throw me a shotgun! Get the womenfolk inside! Oh, I really must stop watching human television. Doh, screw it. DESTROY THEM ALL!


 * Crypto, the humans are trying to stop the movie! KILL THE BASTARDS! Have they no respect for art?


 * We can subjugate the humans to the reign of the Furon Empire! AHAHAHAHAHA- [coughs]


 * It's time to capture one of those Men in... Really-Dark-Brown, and give him a good probing. What do you say... up for a little fun?


 * Hmmm... passengers and compounds appear to made of carbon components. They must have gotten the soylent-green leather interior. Pricey option.


 * They've sent in their cyborgs! Can Steve Austin be far behind?


 * I detect military units approaching from the south with my... Military Unit Detector-O-Tron! Oh, just take my word for it!


 * We can peer into the minds of lower lifeforms via the cortex scan. Rip the illiterate thoughts from their pathetic little brains!


 * [after Crypto scans a cow] "Moo"? Primitive, yet profound. Scan another one!


 * What we need to do is find the dumbest, most malleable human in the area. Admittedly, the competition will be fierce. You'll just have to scan them all!


 * [in reference to the zombie cows] They must have gathered them for study. Can't imagine what they hope to learn.

Majestic Agents

 * In the name of Joe McCarthy and everything that's holy!


 * The truth is right here, biotch!


 * Aww, dammit, this fire's gonna ruin my suit!


 * Come back, so I can slap you on a dissection table!


 * Polly wanna goddamn cracker?!


 * Bite me!


 * [if shot at with anal probe] Ahh! You freak, leave my butt alone!


 * I know what you're thinking, ladies. And yes, I'm available.


 * What am I thinking? I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.


 * Boy do I look good-- Scratch that, I look REAL good!


 * Man, I feel good. How good? Mmm, SO good!


 * I could take that guy. And that guy. And her.


 * Wonder what I'd look like in some other colour? I hear brown is the new black!


 * What if the other guys notice? Oh, who cares? Lace feels so comfortable under this suit!


 * I have to report to Hoover again. Please, GOD, let him be wearing pants this time!


 * Why does Silhouette give me these jobs? I wonder if it's because I hit on her at the Majestic Christmas Party?... Wait! No one's even supposed to know Silhouette's a chick! Scratch that thought!


 * (Checking the situation) Keep it together, it will be okay up there.
 * (Searching for Crypto) It's only matter of time.
 * (Searching for Crypto) After this is all over, you wanna get a drink or something?
 * (Fighting against Crypto) Don't move stop right there.
 * (Fighting against Crypto) Don't make me call Hoover.
 * (Standing by front) Yes.
 * (Standing by front) What?
 * (Standing by front) You're up to something?
 * (Standing by front) Can I help you?
 * (Standing by front) Please, step away from me.
 * (Bumping toward him) Look out or I'll make you look out.
 * (Bumping toward him) Watch it pal.
 * (Bumping toward him) Watch where you going.

Silhouette

 * Are you peeking into my head, little alien? Well, this cat's got claws, see, and I'm going to scratch your beady eyes out!


 * You can look, you little space freak, but you better not touch. Go on, just try it!


 * Nice pants. I hear white spandex wearing midgets are all the rage on Proxima Centauri.


 * I have double indemnity against these little space freaks, and it's time to collect on my policy!


 * All this power... and I still only make 76 cents for every dollar a man makes.


 * When I said domination, little did they know I meant GLOBAL domination - ruling the world, crushing all men under my boot heel, that sort of thing.


 * What am I doing? Oh yeah, the same thing I do every night - TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Bert Whither

 * [broadcasting from the SMCBS station] SMCBS will bring you further news as it unfolds. Good day, John and Jane America, from north to south, from sea to shining sea. This is Bert Whither, coming to you live from a secure SMCBS studio at an undisclosed location of America's sunshine capital, Santa Modesta, with a special news bulletin. For years, America has been a beacon of hope to the world. But today comes disturbing proof: our very way of life is under attack! Our great nation devoured from within by a malignant tumor of corruption! Yes, you heard it here first. The very heart of power in the United States of America is now cancerous! Its malevolent might, bent to a crooked will! The insidious nature of this cancer, right after a word from our sponsor.


 * Unease sweeps the country like a fever! Police flout civil liberties, arrest people without cause, even brazenly engage in criminal and unconstitutional behavior! I have here a secret affidavit, signed by the chief of the Santa Modesta police department, attesting not only to the existence of these abuses, but to their orchestration by an agency of our own federal government! Up to now, many Americans believed such a thing could never happen here in the land of liberty. But happen it has! More to come, after these commercial messages.


 * The federal agency behind the new terror on our streets, the terror of cops gone bad! But if power is corrupt, what of the government responsible? SMCBS has acquired extensive documentary footage: shadowy agents in reasonably-priced black suits in Rockwell, Santa Modesta, even Capitol City, shown here abducting innocent citizens in unmarked black sedans! No arrest records exist, yet to date, over eleven hundred people have disappeared, their families kept in the dark, and still the U.S. government remains silent! It refuses to acknowledge these abductions ever took place! Why has our government deserted us?! Stay tuned!


 * We have only a few moments until the army destroys our building. They're deploying tanks and-- Good Lord, giant robots! We cannot survive for long! But in these moments, I want to share a new hope. SMCBS correspondents have uncovered something incredible! For the first time in history, proof that an alien race has visited Earth, and apparently, repeated attempts to communicate their message, to "befriend all humans". Tragically, these gentle, intelligent creatures are being systematically exterminated by government agencies. Are these interstellar ambassadors our last hope for a peaceful human future? Could they help us take back America?! May providence smile upon us all! This is Bert Whither saying... goodbye.

Others

 * Farmer Turnipseed: Shoo! I ain't heard anything like that since my Uncle Cletus injured himself at a post Thanksgiving party in '42.


 * U.S. Army Soldier: This is not a drill! There IS an enemy on the loose! Find it and kill it! Repeat: find it and kill it!


 * U.S. Army Soldier: BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES! We're gonna have a firefight on our hands! We have to find that little commie and take him down!
 * U.S Army Soldier: C'mon, you glory hounds! You wanna live forever?! Let's stop that little commie! Find him, neutralize him!
 * Mutant Government Agent: One... plus... one... equal... window! Hurr... hurr...


 * Mutant Government Agent: My... brain... hurts!


 * Mutant Government Agent: Think... hurt... Ouch!


 * Mutant Government Agent: Feels... so... funky!


 * Mutant Government Agent: Bizarro... World... pretty...


 * Mutant Government Agent: Must... kill... "Mupersan"!


 * Mutant Government Agent: Good... mouse... Algernon... smarter... than... Charly...


 * Mutant Government Agent: [being levitated] Up... up... and away!!


 * Crazy Hobo: 1,742 bottles of beer on the wall, 1,742 bottles of beeeer...


 * Crazy Hobo: These sheep walk around like, errm... sheep!


 * Crazy Hobo: The end is nigh! It's... really, really nigh!


 * Crazy Hobo: Screw it! The end isn't nigh, who am I kidding? What does "nigh" mean, anyways?


 * Crazy Hobo: The electricity - it speaks to me! So does that trashcan. And the small birdies.


 * Crazy Hobo: What's my name again?


 * Crazy Hobo: There is no God! I am God! God of stinky poopy pants!


 * Crazy Hobo: What if God doesn't really exist? What if he's just a... an existential manifestation of our collective cultural yearning for a sense of parental power over a chaotic universe?! ...Nah.


 * Crazy Scientist: I love Bert Whither, even though he called me a crackpot on that TV interview. He said lukewarm fusion wouldn't work, but I know it would if only I'd have gotten the funding, but I didn't, thanks to Bert Whither. Bastard.


 * Crazy Scientist: I heard that the dolphins are doing a good job keeping in touch with the extraterrestrials. I heard that from one of the mice! (a reference to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)


 * Crazy Scientist: They were like astronauts on some sort of a star trek in a galaxy far, far away, but it turned out they were all DAMN DIRTY APES! YOU MANIACS!


 * Crazy Scientist: Oh my God, I'm having an internal monologue... about an internal monologue!


 * Scientist: If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. Heh.


 * Scientist: I'm working on something called the Internet, but I'm worried it won't catch on...


 * Scientist: [in reference to the nuclear bomb] I fervently hope that we never need to use this fearsome instrument of death. On the other hand, if we do, IT'S GOING TO LOOK WICKED COOL!


 * Scientist: [in reference to the nuclear bomb] This device could kill a million Communists in the blink of an eye! Papa would be so proud...


 * Scientist: Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and I can't get lucky to save my life!


 * Scientist: God does not play dice with the universe. He does, however, hit the blackjack tables.


 * Scientist: Wait a minute - what if E equaled mc cubed?.... MY GOD! I just saw the hole in my pants by looking around the curvature of space and time!!!


 * Scientist: I've got it! The solution to Fermat's Last Theorem! It's... oh, wait, wait... ah crap, I just had it!


 * Scientist: Uncertainty principle? Give me a break! Grow some balls, Heisenberg!


 * Scientist: I could call them... quarks! Nah, it's not commercial enough. Leptons? Hmm, nope, nope. Mesons? No, that sounds like a stupid alien race in some sort of child's game! Gluons? Now that's just plain silly!


 * Tannoy: Attention, space freak. You are completely surrounded. You have exactly ten seconds to drop your weapons and hypnotize yourself into a coma. 10... 9... 8... 7654321! HOT DAMN, FIRE!


 * Capitol City Civilian: This town is getting way too crowded. A million people is just too much. It would be great if something just came along and swept everything away with, say, a super-heated deathray...


 * Soldier: [while on fire] Requesting permission to roll around in the dirt, SIR!


 * Soldier: [while on fire] Soldier would wish to report he is on fire, SIR!


 * Soldier: [lifted into the air by Crypto] If I wanted to fly, I'd have joined the frickin' Air Force!


 * Soldier: [seeing Crypto in area 42] No children allowed here!


 * Farmer: Think about baseball. Think about baseball. Oh, Rock Hudson. NO, DAMMIT! Think about baseball! Think about baseball!...


 * Soldier: Y'know, it occurs to me. What if we shouldn't be messing around with nuclear explosives? What if we're just not ready? Maybe man was not meant to flirt with his own annihilation in such a cavalier way without at least first developing the ethical maturity to use such awesome power... Aw, what the hell? Nuke 'em all and let God sort it out!


 * Cop:: Attention, please step away from the flaming police officer. That is all, thank you for your cooperation.


 * Cop:: Ice! Ice! Not with ice! Ocean of ice! Ice! Ice!


 * Cop:: Attention citizens, please stand by back. This is police burning.


 * Cop: [spots Crypto] Do it now boy-o.


 * Cop: [spots Crypto] Go ahead, make my day!


 * Cop: [fighting against Crypto] Hold it right there!


 * Cop: [fighting against Crypto] Don't move, stop right there!


 * Cop: [fighting against Crypto] Stop, I'm warning you!


 * Cop: [fighting against Crypto] Drop me now, or you're under arrest!


 * Cop: [fighting against Crypto] YAAAH!


 * Cop: [if Crypto flees] Come on back, so I can read you a delight.


 * Cop: [if Crypto flees] Where are you going?! We were having a perfectly good fight!


 * Cop: [if Crypto flees] Where did you think you're going?


 * Cop: [if Crypto flees] If I catch ya, you're running away for a long time!


 * Cop: [if Crypto flees] You can run, but you can't hide.


 * Cop: [if Crypto flees] You weren't getting away from me!


 * Cop: [if Crypto flies off] Turn off that jetpack right now!


 * Cop: [if Crypto flies off] [tutting] Flying away. Typical cowardly criminal behavior!


 * Cop: [Searching for Crypto] Come out and put your hands up.


 * Cop: [Searching for Crypto] Come out, come out, whatever you are.


 * Cop: [Standing by front] Can I help you?


 * Cop: [Standing by front] You're on to something?


 * Cop: [Standing by front] Yes.


 * Cop: [Standing by front] What?


 * Cop: [Standing by front] Please, step away from me, sir.


 * Cop: [Bumping toward] Look out!


 * Cop: [Bumping toward] Watch it pal!


 * Cop: [Bumping toward] Be careful!


 * Cop: [Bumping toward] Watch where you going!


 * Cop: [Bumping toward] Don't get lift me any weight!.


 * Cop: Respect the badge, biotch!


 * Cop: To serve and protect, to serve and protect, to serve and protect, to swerve and defect, to... curve and perfect... dammit, I lost it!


 * Cop: Calling all backup! We have a 1052: officer being levitated!


 * Cop: Like answers, smart guy? What... is your name?


 * Cop: Bill of Rights? Who the hell needs a Bill of Rights?! I'm Bill, and I'm right!


 * Cop: Nightstick: check! Taking bribes from local gangster: check! Sense of moral superiority over fellow citizens: check! Time to arrest me some peeps!


 * Cop: Now if only I could find a cowboy, an Indian and a construction worker, I could form that new singing group down at the village. What would we call ourselves, I wonder? "The City People", "The Village Folks", or something...


 * Cop: What would Eliot Ness do? Never carry a knife to a gunfight? No, that's not it...


 * Cop: I wanna ride a motorcycle! How come I never get to ride a motorcycle? Motorcycle cops have all the fun!


 * Suburban Male: Shiny new automobile: check! Wife cooking meatloaf, taking valium: check! Monotonous job as a filing clerk: check! Unbridled inner rage hidden just below the surface of normalcy: check!


 * Suburban Male: So this is what Eliot meant by "a life of quiet desperation". Thanks a lot, you limey bastard.


 * Suburban Male: Hmm, what would Brando do? ... STELLA! STEEELLAAAAAAAA!!


 * Suburban Female: If only there were some way to electronically facilitate the private viewing of illicit photography, like some sort of computing device with a screen... Ah, it'll never happen.


 * Farmer: [when firing at Crypto] Say hello to my little friend!


 * Farmer: I loves my Bessie... but I loves my steak. Bessie, steak, steak, Bessie... Oh Lord, why do you make me choose?!


 * Crazy Woman: Redrum! Redrum!


 * Crazy Woman: Rock-a-bye baby on the tree top... When the wind blows, the SCREAMING will stop...


 * Crazy Woman: Is it just me or is the sidewalk oozing? No, no, it's just me!


 * Crazy Woman: A mind is a beautiful thing to lose. I should know, I've done it - twice!


 * Crazy Woman: My mind says Pistachio, but my body says Rocky Road... MY STOMACH SAYS PEANUT BRITTLE, HAHAHA!


 * Crazy Woman: I saw the finest minds of my generation consumed by madness. I also saw the feeblest minds of my generation consumed by madness! There's nothing to howl about, really.


 * Huffman: As long as I live, I'll never forget the look on that alien's face... squeal, Crypto 136, squeal like a pig! And he did, dammit! [he is vaporized]


 * Mayor: Now that you are all here, I'd like to say, err... please stay in your homes.


 * Farmer: It's a good day to die, you little bastard!


 * Farmer: You know, sometimes I think about some poor damn bastard who has to wake up at 4 in the morning to do menial work for no pay, and... oh, wait a minute... THAT'S ME! Aw, shoot!


 * Cowboy: I guess there's nothin' wrong with animals peaceably organisin'. After all, it IS an animal farm...


 * Santa Modesta Female: If my kitchen is not the cleanest and shiniest in this whole town, I'll crush anyone who disagrees... with my dainty manicured fist.


 * Santa Modesta Male: It's like we travelled to a future where TV was in color, and they made a program of our happy days in Santa Modesta.


 * Soldier: Keep on the lookout for any significant occurrences, no matter how insignificant they may seem.


 * Sleepy Ernst: Soon I'll prove the human mind can be controlled by televised propaganda and then I'll start my own cable news network, haha! Where the heck are those Majestic Agents? America ain't gonna brainwash itself!


 * Capitol City Male: That Rock Hudson... what a dreamboat... DID I JUST THINK THAT?! Ummm... uh lumberjacks... uh football... Ah, that's better.


 * Air Force Commander: I AM THE GOD OF THUNDER!


 * Soldier: Olive this, khaki that. What the hell's wrong with fuchsia?


 * Soldier: Don't ask, don't tell. Works for me.


 * Soldier: "March here, march there!" March it yourself, jerk-off!


 * Rural Male: I wonder what's for dinner tonight. Oh, yeah, steak. I WANT A SALAD! Is that so wrong?!

Dialogue

 * Orthopox: Shall I tell you a secret? Few of our people know this, but the DNA patterns in our clone banks are becoming more and more degraded with each new clone.
 * Cryptosporidium: That's bad, right?
 * Orthopox: Only if we want to retain our immortality through cloning. OF COURSE IT'S BAD!


 * Cryptosporidium: You're a smart cookie. But there's a time for thought and a time for action! And this is one of those times!
 * Orthopox: Which?
 * Cryptosporidium: The second one!


 * Cryptosporidium: [to himself] They eat with their mouths? Ugh! I think I'm going to be violently ill! [to the cow] Attention, Earth creature. This planet is now part of the Furon Empire. Your benevolent masters welcome you.
 * Cow: Moo!
 * Cryptosporidium: At this time, we wish to abduct you for the purpose of scientific research. The procedure will be protracted and invasive. Do you have any objections?
 * Cow: Moo!
 * Cryptosporidium: Earth creature, I am addressing you! Respond or be vaporized!
 * [cow unloads its bowels]
 * Cryptosporidium: I don't care how many stomachs you have, I don't have time for this!


 * Mrs. Turnipseed: AAAAHHHHH! Little green space men!
 * Cryptosporidium: I. Am. Not. Green!


 * Majestic Agent 1: Did you see what I saw?
 * Majestic Agent 2: You bet your sweet ass I did! What did you see?
 * Majestic Agent 1: Little green man in a flying saucer wiping out the best infantry unit in the U.S. Army.
 * Majestic Agent 2: Right! Good. Me too. … Green? Not grey?
 * Majestic Agent 1: Don't be a stiff. You know what it means?
 * Majestic Agent 2: Absolutely! What?
 * Majestic Agent 1: It means the papers got it right for once. Get on the horn to Silhouette. We've got the worst case scenario.
 * Majestic Agent 2: The eggheads were actually onto something? I don't believe it.
 * Majestic Agent 1: Believe it. Roswell was only the beginning. The invasion is on.


 * Suburban Male 1: What a great guy. He must really love pool parties.
 * [Crypto scans the Mayor]
 * Mayor: You'd think with all the power I have in this town, I could ban these stupid pool parties.


 * Crypto: [disguised as mayor; someone asks about glowing cows] Why the hell do you think they're glowing?! They've been probed!
 * Rural Male: That's a stinkin' lie! I never touched them cows - especially not like that! That's sick! And anyway, Dr. Kinsey says it's normal! So just get your judgmental bourgeois attitudes outta my bedroom! ... I mean, my barn... What?


 * Rural Male: Now wait just a second. How in the world does any of that explain the destruction at the fair?
 * Crypto: [disguised as mayor] It doesn't! Hahahahaha!


 * Rural Female: Well now, hold on! How come no one in Santa Modesta's seen anything like this?
 * Crypto: [disguised as mayor] Because we're real Americans and they're not. Next.


 * Majestic Agent 1: Subliminal TV messages. What will Majestic think of next?
 * Majestic Agent 2: Search me.
 * Majestic Agent 1: Do you have any idea what a rhetorical question is?
 * Majestic Agent 2: Nope, not a clue.


 * Orthopox: This human 'Whither' says the President will appear before his subjects today. This 'President' must be more integral to their social society than I expected. I have noticed a significant increase of activity in front of the White House.
 * Cryptosporidium: Right on. Just tell me where he is and what he looks like.
 * Orthopox: I... eh... aah... uhm... the mothership's tracking system is broken. I think he uses those convoys of long black vehicles for transit.
 * Cryptosporidium: You think?
 * Orthopox: I can't exactly pinpoint the President from orbit, Crypto. It's not like he walks around with a big red arrow over his head!


 * Orthopox: All right, Crypto. I've analyzed the data that you've collected, and I've found the perfect candidate for you to-
 * Crypto: Probe and vaporize?
 * Orthopox: No... abduct and bring back to the mothership.
 * Crypto: My way's more fun.
 * Orthopox: Abduct. Not vaporize.
 * Crypto: Okay, but humanity ain't gonna annihilate itself, all I'm saying.
 * Orthopox: Can I finish?
 * Crypto: Can I stop you?


 * Air Force Commander: General Armquist, good of you to come. Thought you might be too busy running damage control out in California.
 * Armquist: Never too busy to watch the Air Force fall flat on its face, Jack.
 * Air Force Commander: Corporal Patterson, let's show our guests what this bottle rocket can do. [Patterson gives a signal as a UFO shaped Air Force plane takes off] VERTICAL TAKE OFF AND LANDING! How do you like them apples? [the UFO plane crashes hardly to the ground and begins smoking]
 * Armquist: That's it? That's your ultimate weapon?
 * Air Force Commander: PATTERSON! GET OVER THERE AND TELL MCGILLICUDDY TO GET THAT BIRD IN THE AIR RIGHT THIS SECOND, OR HE'LL BE TESTING GO-KARTS FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS!
 * Armquist: Forty-million dollars for that?


 * Crypto: Silhouette, I presume. You don't look like a general.
 * Silhouette You don't look like a little green man.
 * Crypto: Thank you. [puts weapon away] So, wavin' the white flag, huh? All the monkeys got together, scratched their heads, accepted the inevitable?
 * Silhouette That sense of humor; just like your-
 * Crypto: Like my what?
 * Silhouette Er... file. Your dossier, Crypto. Said you were quite the joker.
 * Crypto: I think I never told you my name.
 * Silhouette No, I suppose I have your brother to thank for that.


 * Rural Male: It looked like someone had stuck some sort of device up the poor thing's...
 * Fair Worker: ... clap-trap, and after all that I didn't even get to see Miss Rockwell, she just walked right on by with her...
 * Rural Female: ... bales laid out flat in circles like Fourth of July pinwheels.


 * [after all antenna are bent]
 * Orthopox: All right, I'm increasing the power...[antennae start shaking rapidly] Wait, Crypto! The signal is too strong! Humans are weak, their minds can't take that kind of amplitude! Quickly, Crypto, you've got to bend the antennae before they- [human heads start exploding] - oooh, that has to hurt... ewwww, disgusting... [pause] Crypto? Crypto? Where did you go?
 * Crypto: [shot of Crypto running down a street, screen goes black] Snack time.


 * Worker: L-l-little green men!
 * Crypto: Not again, colorblind moron! [points Disintegrator Ray at worker] Die, pea-brain! [Disintegrator Ray doesn't fire] Hey, where's the - What did you do with my clip, monkey boy?
 * Worker: Phew.
 * Crypto: So much for wholesale carnage. I guess I'll just have to settle for ripping your limbs off one by one with my bare hands, until I find it... with my bare hands.
 * Worker: AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


 * Orthopox: Now that their President is dead, the human senators are voting for a new leader. The vote is agonizingly close!
 * Cryptosporidium: Doesn't the Vice President become President?
 * Orthopox: Just shut up and kill those senators before they get inside the Capitol!


 * [Crypto has successfully brought a nuclear bomb to the Area 42 airfield and detonated it there]
 * Silhouette: [speaking to General Armquist via TV] Armquist! You want to explain to me why our troops are abandoning Area 42?!
 * General Armquist: They're not leaving, they're regrouping. Everything's under control.
 * Silhouette: Really? So the airfield hasn't been destroyed by one of our own nukes?
 * General Armquist: It's that Commie spy from Santa Modesta! He got in somehow; messed with one of our experiments. Don't worry, I'll catch him!
 * Silhouette: That's what you said in Santa Modesta. Frankly, General, I'm beginning to question your resolve.
 * General Armquist: Oh, I'm resolved all right! That explosion was meant to take me out!
 * Silhouette: You're saying this "Communist spy" has a personal vendetta against you?
 * General Armquist: Maybe you don't get the mindset we're up against!
 * Silhouette: No, no, General, I'm taking you very seriously. The President should hear this. Get back to Capitol City.
 * General Armquist: I don't take orders from you!
 * Silhouette: In this matter, I speak for the President. You know that.
 * General Armquist: [hangs his head and sighs] Oh, Majestic...


 * [After overhearing Silhouette's plan to unite the American defense branches]
 * Cryptosporidium: So, huh? Majestic and the army gettin' it on? Hmm, I shoulda known. Those sly dogs...
 * Orthopox: Bit cavalier about this, aren't you?
 * Cryptosporidum: Why the hell not? I don't think it makes any difference.
 * Orthopox: I didn't clone you to think. And it may make a very big difference indeed!


 * General Armquist: Aargh! Go on, you commie punk, finish it.
 * Cryptosporidium: It didn't have to be this way, Armquist.
 * General Armquist: What do-- [coughs] What do you mean?
 * Cryptosporidium: I mean, this ridiculous war. We could've worked together, you and I, to forge a new future - a common future, of peace and prosperity for our two peoples.
 * General Armquist: Just... put me out of my misery, will ya?
 * Cryptosporidium: I'm serious.
 * General Armquist: You... you didn't want to destroy us?
 * Cryptosporidium: Of course not. We were as scared of you as you were of us. Deep in our hearts, I think what we really wanted was to be just like you.
 * General Armquist: Really?
 * Cryptosporidium: Really.
 * General Armquist: I guess... at the end of the day... we really are all just... human beings.
 * Cryptosporidium: [disintegrates Armquist] Psyche. [walks away] Pathetic human.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Crypto: [after Silhouette reveals herself] YOU'RE A CHICK?!
 * Silhouette: I'm a patriot! If you had to put up with politicians playing grab-ass all day long, you'd wear a mask too.


 * [After destroying the Roboprez]
 * Cryptosporidium: Man, I love the smell of presidential brains in the morning.
 * Orthopox: Just remember who set that giant POTUS of destruction upon you!
 * Cryptosporidium: Riiight...
 * Orthopox: You know who I mean!
 * Cryptosporidium: Oh, that Silhouette guy, right? Or chick.
 * Orthopox: Could you do me a favor and NOT creep me out?!
 * Cryptosporidium: Sure.
 * Orthopox: In any case, he-- I mean, she ran from the Capitol. I lost sight of him-- her-- SILHOUETTE, near the--
 * Silhouette: Attention, Furons! Attention, Furons! Is this thing on? Oh, whatever. I know you little grey freaks can hear this. I'm sure you're out there listening... gloating.
 * Cryptosporidium: Pretty much, yeah.
 * Orthopox: It seems only fair.
 * Silhouette: Credit where credit is due. You did it. You beat my beautiful Roboprez, and now you're probably sitting around fantasizing about "destroying all the humans". Typical. Sure you handled the boys: Armquist, Huffman. Oh, that was a challenge. [chuckles] But everybody knows which sex is dominant on this planet! There's still plenty of time to get your asses handed to you! That is, if you're not too scared to fight a girl.
 * Cryptosporidium: Nah, I'm not hung up on the whole pudenda thing.
 * Silhouette: So come on, Crypto. Let's dance. I'll even let you lead... I'm at the Octagon. Don't keep me waiting.


 * [After the final boss fight with Silhouette]
 * Silhouette: You beat me... I can't believe... you... actually... BEAT me...
 * Crypto: They never do. You know, you don't look so hot.
 * Silhouette: Majestic will never... give up... the struggle... to... resist... you... alien FREAKS!
 * Crypto: Struggle's over, babe. Furons: one; humans: ziperooni.
 * Silhouette: You think... you've won? You think America is the only human civilization on Earth?
 * Crypto: That's what all the Americans seem to think. [mumbling] At least the ones I scanned...
 * Silhouette: Smug little insect... There are three billion people on this planet... and everywhere there are humans... there is... Majestic!
 * Crypto: Sorry, dollface. Without you, Majestic's just a bunch of dudes in crappy black suits.
 * Silhouette: Majestic... MJ-12... The twelve... all over... all... over... the world... [dies]
 * Crypto: Attention, humans: I am Cryptosporidium of the planet Furon. This planet is now a territory of the Furon Empire. Resist THIS! [stomps on Silhouette's head, a squish is heard]