Dharma & Greg

Dharma & Greg (1997-2002) was an American sitcom about a mismatched married couple. It starred Jenna Elfman and Thomas Gibson in the title roles. In April 2002, ABC ended the series after 5 seasons.

Pilot [1.1]

 * [First lines in the series]
 * Young Dharma: Leo, Sagittarius, and Aries.
 * Abby O'Neil: Very good. Now the water signs.
 * Young Dharma: Pisces, Scorpio... Abby, look. Policemen.
 * Larry Finkelstein: And what do we say to policemen?
 * Young Dharma: I have a Fourth Amendment right prohibiting you from conducting an unreasonable search.
 * Larry Finkelstein: [offering her the "down low" hand slap] Yeah. Give me some skin.

And The In-Laws Meet [1.2]

 * Greg: It's raining. We're not going to sleep in the rain, are we?
 * Dharma: No, silly, you don't sleep in the rain. You make love in the rain.
 * Greg: Ah. What if there's lightning?
 * Dharma: Then you get to be on top.


 * Dharma: He acted this way when I wanted to be a Girl Scout.
 * Larry: It's a para-military organization with cookies.


 * Larry: Next thing you know, she'll get a social security number.
 * Dharma: I got one.
 * Larry: What? Why?
 * Dharma: I opened a checking account.
 * Larry: Are you insane? You're on the grid now. They can find you anywhere.
 * Greg: Who's "they"?
 * Larry: You.

And Then There's The Wedding [1.4]

 * [Before Dharma and Greg's wedding]
 * Dharma: Can you see me?
 * Greg: Yes.
 * Dharma: Oh, I totally misunderstood that groom-can't-see-the-bride-in-her-wedding-dress-thing.
 * [Kitty comes in]
 * Kitty: What are you doing here? You can't see her in her dress!
 * Dharma: See, that's what I thought!


 * Abby: Larry, did you eat meat?
 * Larry: No.
 * Abby: You ate meat. I can smell it.
 * Larry: That's my tongue. It's made of meat.


 * Kitty: Look! Look at these! They're awful!
 * Edward: They're just flowers. Nobody cares.
 * Kitty: And by "nobody", you mean "you".
 * Edward: Yes.
 * Kitty: Well, let me tell you something, Edward. Everybody cares. And by "everybody" I mean "me". I care, Edward. That is my job in this family. I care. I care at every Christmas dinner. I care at every business function. I care everytime that maid puts a meal down in front of you. And for some reason or other, you don't seem to notice.
 * Edward: All right, all right. Here's the checkbook.
 * Kitty: Thank you, Thank you, Edward. I will tuck this away in the gaping void that was once my soul.
 * Edward: Don't lose the pen this time.

The First Thanksgiving [1.10]

 * Kitty: Oh, Gregory, darling, every bride thinks she wants to cook a Thanksgiving dinner and it always ends up the same. Someone cries, someone is rushed to the emergency room and a perfectly lovely bird gets wasted. Which, if I don't eat soon, will be me.


 * Dharma: Kitty where's the potato masher
 * Kitty: I told you I gave her the day off

Old Yeller [1.14]

 * Dharma: Honey.. I love you, but bite me.

The Cat's Out Of The Bag [1.20]

 * Dharma: What's going on?
 * Greg: Well there is no pretty way to say this but my father picked up a woman who robbed him and left him tied to a bed in a hotel room...
 * Pete: Hey buddy, take it easy on him it can be pretty upsetting the first time.


 * Kitty: (Reads Fortune Cookie) True wealth is measured in friendships. Oh nonsense

Much Ado During Nothing [1.22]

 * Kitty: What is it ?
 * Greg: It's a duck.
 * Ed: That's not a duck, it's a goose.
 * Dharma: Yes, but captain, my captain, goose does not rhyme...

Invasion Of The Buddy Snatcher [1.23]

 * Roger: Dharma do you have anything for a headache ?
 * Dharma: Why what's the matter ?
 * Roger: I have a headache...
 * Dharma: Well Roger that's just a symptom, I mean usually there is an emotional problem that goes along with a physical illness...
 * Roger: Yeah, aspirin, ibuprofen...
 * Dharma: Loneliness, depression, anger...


 * Pete: So it doesn't bother you that your wife is talking to Stuart about his...well you know ?
 * Greg: You can say impotence.
 * Pete: No you can't ! Cause if you say it, you think it and if you think it you got it !


 * Larry: I can not endorse by my actions any system that places one human being in servitude to an other.

Ringing Up Baby [2.1]

 * Greg: Pete, she's having a baby !
 * Pete: Yeah but she's giving it to you !
 * Greg: No, she's not !
 * Pete: Hey how long after they have the kid do they keep making milk ?
 * Greg: Seek professional help you are ill.


 * Greg: We'll get her things and we'll go to the hospital.
 * Dharma: Why she's not sick ?!
 * Greg: Dharma, people have babies in hospitals
 * Dharma: Yeah, I know isn't it horrible ?


 * Kitty: You're not going to take this girl to a hospital ?
 * Aby: Why, she's not sick !
 * Greg: Mother, maybe you could give her a hand ?
 * Kitty: Oh I don't know anything about childbirth !
 * Greg: What do you mean, you had me ?
 * Kitty: Oh Gregory don't be vulgar !

It Takes a Village [2.2]

 * Greg: Who are all this people ?
 * Abby: Oh they're gonna help us with the baby.
 * Greg: Why ?
 * Dharma: Because it takes a village to raise a child Greg.
 * Greg: It does ?


 * Kitty: And, I realised that my true destiny was to be the matriarch of a large powerfull family. Like the Kennedys. But not catholic.
 * Dharma: So why didn't you had a lot of kids ?
 * Kitty: I couldn't have any more after Gregory
 * Dharma: Oh really I'm sorry... Why ?
 * Kitty: It hurt too bad.

Turn Turn Turn [2.3]

 * Kitty: Edward tell him.
 * Edward: What happened to "shut up and drive"?


 * Kitty: Oh please ! You mean your gonna get my grandson drunk and perform a surgery on him in the living room ?
 * Abby: You know, look frankly, Kitty I don't believe in circumcision either, but when it comes to penises Larry is very Jewish.


 * Dharma: Picture how incredible would have been high school if your mother had sat you down and taught you how to please a woman ?
 * Greg: Thanks for that picture honey I may never have sex again...

See Dharma Run [2.16]

 * Greg:  Are you sure you're ok ?
 * Pete:  Yeah, I'm fine...
 * Greg:  What's going on with you and that girl, what's her name, Eileene ?
 * Pete:  There is no Eileen... I made her up
 * Greg:  But... You said you met her parents, and that they hated you ?
 * Pete:  They would have...


 * Jane: What's new?
 * Pete: My life is empty and has no meaning.
 * Jane: I asked you what's new.


 * Larry: Don't touch their money Dharma, it's a deal with the devil.
 * Kitty: Are you calling us the devil ?
 * Larry: You only want her elected so she'll wage war to support your military-industrial complex !
 * Greg: San Francisco Board of Supervisors does not wage war...
 * Larry: Of course not, they send the young boys ! Where have all the flowers gone, answer me that !
 * Ed: You smoked them, Finklestein.

The Mamas and the Papas [5.23/24]

 * [Last lines in the series]

Cast

 * Jenna Elfman - Dharma Freedom Montgomery, née Finkelstein
 * Thomas Gibson - Gregory "Greg" Clifford Montgomery
 * Susan Sullivan - Katherine "Kitty" Montgomery
 * Mitchell Ryan - Edward Montgomery
 * Mimi Kennedy - Abigail Kathleen "Abby" O'Neil
 * Alan Rachins - Myron Lawrence "Larry" Finkelstein
 * Shae D'Lyn - Jane Deaux
 * Joel Murray - Peter James "Pete" Cavanaugh