Dilbert (TV series)

Dilbert is an American adult animated sitcom of the Dilbert comics. It aired on UPN for two seasons, in 1999 and 2000.

The Name [1.01]

 * Dilbert: I thought you were gonna wake me at 6:30?
 * Dogbert: I also said women like men who are shaped like potatoes. Can you find a pattern here?
 * Dilbert: I had the egg dream again.
 * Dogbert: "I,I,I."
 * Dilbert: What do you think an egg dream means?
 * Dogbert: Mmm, probably an omen.
 * Dilbert: A good omen?
 * Dogbert: How many good omens involve things that come out of a chicken's butt?
 * Dilbert: There only has to be one.


 * Dilbert: Good morning, shower!
 * Automated Shower Machine: Good morning, Dilbert!
 * Dogbert: Hmm, don't you do enough engineering at work?
 * Dilbert: Work is just meetings, this is engineering. If this works, someday all showers will be voice activated.
 * Dogbert [sitting on a stool]: Is it that hard to turn the knobs?
 * Dilbert: It's not that it's hard, it's unnecessary. [To ASM] 99, please.
 * ASM: 99. [shower turns on at 99 degrees; Dilbert steps inside]
 * Dogbert [aside]: 400.
 * [The ASM does nothing]
 * Dilbert: Heh-heh, nice try. But the shower is calibrated to respond to my voice only.
 * Dogbert: Why, you think of everything!
 * Dilbert: I'm cautious.
 * Dogbert: That's why you had training wheels on your bike until you were 17.
 * Dilbert: I was 14.
 * ASM: 14. [makes the shower temperature 14 degrees]
 * Dilbert: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! [is frozen in a block of ice] 99! 99! 99! [shower goes back to 99 degrees, as the ice melts] Don't do that!
 * Dogbert: Where'd you get the voice for that thing? It sounds like the voice for that stupid movie; what was it called, "something, something, a Space Odyssey"?
 * Dilbert: It wasn't "Something, something, a Space Odyssey", it was "2001: A Spa-" [cut to the exterior of the house, as the ASM evidently makes the shower temperature 2001 degrees] AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
 * [back inside, a red-skinned Dilbert wraps a towel around himself, which then catches on fire as he walks off-screen]
 * Dogbert: On the plus-side, you look very clean.


 * Dilbert: I told them at the rollout meeting that anthrax was a bacteria, not a herb!
 * Wally: No you didn't!
 * Dilbert: Well, I was thinking it pretty hard!


 * Executive: Bob, you're like a son to me.
 * Bob: You don't have a son.
 * Executive: That's where I'm headed here.
 * Bob: Oooh.


 * Dilbert: To save time, I've hired a consultant to help us find a name for our next product.
 * [The "consultant" turns around in his swivel chair and reveals himself to be Dogbert]
 * Loud Howard: He doesn't look like any consultant I've ever seen!
 * Dogbert [writing on a piece of paper]: Recommendation: Downsize the Loud Guy.
 * Loud Howard: Uh, I-I take it back!
 * Dogbert: Anyone else want a piece of me?
 * Dogbert: As you probably know, all the good product names have been trademarked by companies who are competent.
 * Wally: Competent? How are we going to compete with that?


 * PHB: Well, there's no point in killing a dead horse.
 * Dilbert: You mean there's no point in beating a dead horse.
 * PHB: Why would anyone beat a dead horse?
 * Dilbert: Why would anyone kill a dead horse?
 * PHB: Maybe it kicked ya.
 * Dilbert: It's dead!
 * PHB: And so is every customer who has used our flagship product!


 * Dilbert: Do you think the guy who invented the mouse pad started with the name? What's a mouse pad?
 * Wally: Heheh, feminine protection for mice.
 * [Alice smacks Wally in the face with a book]


 * Accountant: Walter is good with these name things. He just named his baby.
 * PHB: How is Walter Jr?
 * Walter: She's fine, thanks for asking.


 * Dogbert: Well, that was a dryhole. Do we have anyone here from marketing?
 * [A couple from marketing are making out]
 *  Woman: Lie to me!
 * Man: Our next upgrade will solve the problem!
 * Woman: Ohhhh! [the two keep making out]
 * Dogbert: I like the sound of it, but how do you spell "uh-hoo-ah-ahhhh"?


 * Accountant: Walter's a name for the product.
 * Walter: How about... Ford?
 * Dogbert: Hmm. That seems to be taken - [slams his paper on the table angrily] - by the Ford Motor Company!!
 * [Walter runs out crying]
 * Man: Maybe Ford will sell the name. Everybody has a price!
 * Dogbert: You're not allowed to talk anymore.


 * Vibrating chair store owner [speaking in a shaky voice]: Would you like to try a vibrating chair?
 * Dogbert: Get out of my way, you pervert.
 * [Dogbert causes all the chairs in the store to vibrate wildly]
 * Vibrating chair store owner [shaky voice]: Will you be sitting down in any of these?
 * Dogbert: No, I'm gonna run for it and you might wanna do the same.


 * Office worker: Help, Dilbert, I've been shot!
 * Dilbert: "I've been shot!", "I've been shot!"—I have a few problems of my own you know!
 * Office worker: Yeah I heard about the name thing, that's a drag…


 * Dilmom: Why don't you call your product the Gruntmaster 6000?
 * Dilbert: What kind of product do you see when you imagine a Gruntmaster 6000?
 * Dilmom: Well it's a stripped-down version of the Gruntmaster 9000 of course. But it's software-upgradeable.


 * Boss: Ah, am I late?
 * PHB: Right on time sir.
 * Boss: Oh, in that case, I've got time to make some phone calls. [leaves]
 * PHB: That is so rude.

The Competition [1.03]

 * Loud Howard: The rumor is that they treat you like a human being! And I would love to be treated like a human being - just once!


 * Dilbert: This is impossible! How am I gonna get any work done if there's no tension?


 * Dilbert: What kind of madhouse is this?!

The Prototype [1.02]

 * Dilbert: Lena's team is so big you could get lost in the crowd and never have to lift a finger.
 * Alice: They might get the big raises and party atmosphere, but they'll never know the satisfaction that comes from really hard work.
 * [Wally vanishes.]
 * Dilbert: You could have worded that better.


 * Fred's head: Get out while you still can.
 * Dilbert: Get out?
 * Fred's head: Can't you see? We're severed heads in a jar!
 * Dilbert: Well maybe it didn't work out with you guys, but that doesn't mean it won't work out with me. She really likes me.

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 * Alice: Team Lena is going down!
 * Dilbert: Must one person's triumph be another's humiliation?
 * Alice: Of course.

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 * Alice: She's making me think of sex at the same time I see you naked. Now I've got Dilbert and sex in the same part of my brain! Ow! Ow! Ow! Get it out!

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 * Dilbert: It's so small - I can't even find it!

The Takeover [1.06]

 * Dogbert: That's outrageous. Idiots shouldn't have money.

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 * Dilbert: Hold it - were you just reading a book?
 * Wally: Are you bonkers - what makes you think that?
 * Dilbert: My own eyes.
 * Wally: Hardly a reliable source.
 * Dilbert: I just saw you!

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 * Dilbert: Insider trading is illegal - you could go to jail!
 * PHB: Wally I'll need you to review the RFP for the BGA project before the IOC meeting.
 * Wally: Well that has alibi written all over it. Are you in?

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 * Dilbert: I thought you were supposed to buy when the stock is down.
 * Dogbert: Have I ever lied to you?
 * Dilbert: About a thousand times.
 * Dogbert: You don't have to throw it in my face.

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 * Wally: Who died and made you the Dalai Lama?

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 * Wally: You do whatever you want. Me - I'm cashing out.
 * Dilbert: You plan to retire?
 * Wally: Retire? From what? I don't do anything now except surf the net - why should I pay for that? Besides, I really like the coffee here.

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 * Stockholder: You two are going to fit right in here, and I'm referring of course only to Wally.

Testing [1.04]

 * Dilbert: That's it! I've done it!
 * Dogbert: That's not the word on the street.

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 * Dilbert: What are you doing with my laser?
 * Dogbert: Did you know there are no laws in space?

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 * PHB: Look, I've worked very hard seeing the Gruntmaster 6000 through to this final phase of testing and I just want to say how proud I am of myself. Now if we can just get rid of that junk on the field maybe we can start the tests..
 * Dilbert: Uh, that's the Gruntmaster 6000.
 * PHB: Really? It's so big.

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 * Dilbert: Just out of curiosity, how often does an asteroid hit an exercise machine?
 * PHB: A comet hit my Stairmaster - that's why I don't exercise anymore!

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 * Dilbert: You're going into space?
 * Dogbert: Good observation, potato boy. I'll send you a postcard.
 * Dilbert: I don't think you can send a postcard from outer space.
 * Dogbert: Ooh, it can be done. But you might see a little jump in your next tax bill.

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 * Wally: Hey Bob, how's it going?
 * Bob Bastard: Wally. [walks off with Alice]
 * Wally [smitten]: He called me "Wally."
 * Dilbert: That's your name.
 * Wally: There's no call for bitterness.

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 * Dogbert: So, you're welcome!
 * Dilbert: Thanks, Dogbert. You really bailed me out.
 * Dogbert: Ohh, it's nothing you wouldn't have done for me if you weren't you and I wasn't me and everything was completely different.

Elbonian Trip [1.05]

 * Dilbert: You're living in the past, my furry friend. Capitalism has transformed Elbonia. The economy is burgeoning.
 * Dogbert: Nothing like slave labor to perk up the economy.
 * Dilbert: They're making many advances. For instance, did you realise the leading cause of death in Elbonia is no longer Black Plague?
 * Dogbert: Oh really? What is?
 * Dilbert: Here we go, it's.. self-inflicted gunshot wounds? Must be a typo.

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 * Garbageman: Well in that case he'll need the help of someone who is incapable of sympathy; someone so cynical that the suffering of others is nothing but a source of cheap entertainment.
 * Dogbert: Oh alright - I'll go.

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 * Dilbert: Hey, hi.
 * PHB: What an odd-looking people.
 * Alice: It's us! From work!
 * Dilbert: Remember?
 * PHB: If only I spoke your language. Do you know where the pool is? The POOL? Swimmy swimmy?

Alice and Dilbert stare at the PHB.
 * PHB: Ignorant wogs.

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 * Dilbert: Shouldn't there be a guard-rail around that?
 * Elbonian: Guard-rail? Haha, what is this, an amusement park?

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 * Alice: You can't put babies to work on an assembly line!
 * Elbonian: These are not babies. They are toddlers.

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 * Dilbert: Are those people dead?
 * Elbonian: Technically, yes. But that's no excuse. Get to work you lazy corpse!

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 * Dilbert: If you're going to change anything you're gonna have to organise.
 * Elbonian Worker: Now you've lost us.

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 * Elbonian Dictator: You will be read your rights, given a fair trial, then executed. On second thought, since we have no rights, and we have no courts, let's go to the execution.

Tower Of Babel [1.08]
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 * Loud Howard: I, I cough, cough I've lost my voice!

Everyone cheers
 * PHB: Sorry son, I couldn't hear you! Mhm, mhm, mhm.

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 * PHB: At this time it gives me great pleasure to do this.

PHB scratches armpit <hr width="50%"/>
 * PHB: Their sacrifices are a inspiration to us all — not to mention the cost-savings that go directly to the bottom line.

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 * PHB: Secondly, we've stocked the first aid kits with these new wonder-drugs — placebos [pronounced plah-see-bos].

The Little People [1.07]

 * Alice: I could sue you both for making this a hostile workplace.
 * Dilbert: Ten minutes ago you beat a man senseless.
 * Alice: He was senseless before I beat him.

Charity [1.11]

 * Dogbert: I'll bet you 20 dollars it doesn't feel good to give. [extends hand]
 * Dilbert: You are on, my cynical friend! [shakes Dogbert's hand]
 * Dogbert: Okay, to settle the question, give me 40 dollars and then tell me if it feels good.
 * Dilbert: That wouldn't feel good.
 * Dogbert: Okay, then give me 20 dollars because you lost the bet.
 * Dilbert [puzzled look]: Did I just make a bet that would cost me 20 dollars whether I won or not? [hands Dogbert a $20 bill]
 * Dogbert [taking the money]: Yes. But you also got to help someone more fortunate than yourself.

The Delivery [2.17]

 * Jay Leno: And you've heard about this guy? Well, he's sort of a guy. And he's reportedly a surrogate mother for an alien, hilbilly, robot, engineer, cow baby. Michael Jackson already has an order in for three of them! Part cow, part engineer...now do you think it'll spend a lot of the nights surfing the internet and milking itself?

Voice Cast

 * Dilbert, NewsReporter, Salesman, Little Dilbert, Various Background Characters - voiced by
 * DogBert, Announcer - voiced by
 * The Pointy-Haired Boss, Officer#1, Monty, Various Background Characters - voiced by
 * Wally, Mascot, Wally's Father Various Background Characters - voiced by
 * Alice, Worker, MailWoman, Various background Characters - voiced by
 * DilMom, Female Cop, Various background Characters - voiced by
 * Loud Howard, Bike Worker, Gang Member, Doctor, Various background Characters - voiced by
 * RatBert and Asok, Judge, Various background Characters - voiced by
 * Catbert - voiced by
 * Martin, Jerry, Various background Characters - voiced by
 * Carol and Lena, Female Bank Teller, Various background Characters voiced by
 * Bob the Dinosaur, Prison, Cop#2 Various background Characters voiced by
 * Fred, Taxi Driver, Store Owner, Dog, Dog's Owner, Various Background Characters - voiced by
 * Kyle - voiced by