Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (film)

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is a 1988 film about two con men who try to settle their rivalry by betting on who can swindle a young American heiress out of $50,000 first. It is a remake of the 1964 Marlon Brando/David Niven film Bedtime Story.
 * Directed by Frank Oz. Written by Dale Launer, Stanley Shapiro, and Paul Henning.

Nice guys finish last. Meet the winners.

Lawrence Jamieson

 * Freddy, as a younger man, I was a sculptor, a painter, and a musician. There was just one problem: I wasn't very good. As a matter of fact, I was dreadful. I finally came to the frustrating conclusion that I had taste and style, but not talent. I knew my limitations. We all have our limitations, Freddy. Fortunately, I discovered that taste and style were commodities that people desired. Freddy, what I am saying is: know your limitations. You are a moron.
 * A poacher who shoots at rabbits may scare big game away.
 * You've been banging on your pots again, haven't you? I've told you... if you keep on doing it, you won't have any pots left.

Freddy Benson

 * I've got culture coming out of my ass.
 * [in a childlike voice] Oh, Lawrence! This is the happiest day of my life! I think my testicles are dropping!

Janet Colgate

 * Fellas, last year I made 3 million dollars, but your 50 thousand was the most fun. Are you ready? Then let's go get 'em.

Dialogue

 * Freddy Benson: [omitted from the profit distribution] Excuse me. What about me? What do I get?
 * Lawrence Jamieson: You are the student. You get knowledge.


 * Lawrence Jamieson: Do you ever have a single thought that originates from above the waist?
 * Freddy Benson: No!


 * Freddy Benson: [Sitting at the dinner table] Excuse me. May I go to the bathroom first?
 * Lawrence Jamieson: Of course you may.
 * Freddy Benson: [after a long pause, and with relief] Thank you.


 * Freddy Benson: [telling a phony story to sucker Janet into giving him money] I was engaged to a girl back in the States. And we loved to dance... we wanted to be professionals, isn't that silly? And we got an opportunity to compete on television, on Dance USA. So we agreed that if we won, we'd get married. So we went on, and we danced, and we won!
 * Janet Colgate: That's great!
 * Freddy Benson: And in the excitement, we got separated. So I went back to the studio, and there they were. Naked, dancing... and then they stopped, and they made love right there on the dance floor!
 * Janet Colgate: [gasps] Who was she with?
 * Freddy Benson: Deney Terrio, the host of Dance USA.


 * Freddy Benson: I didn't steal any money! She just saw me with another woman! You're French, you understand that!
 * Inspector Andre: To be with another woman, that is French. To be caught, that is American.


 * Freddy Benson: I know somebody here! I met him on a train! His name... is... his name is... James. No. His name is... James Josephson. Lor. No, no, no. James Lawrence. LAWRENCE... Lawrence. Lawrence Fells. Lawrence Feings. Forest Lorenston. Low. Lars. LARS. Lawrence. Lawrence. Luch. Lawrence. Tuh. His name is James Jesenthon. Lawrence Fell. Lawrence Jesterton. LAWRENCE JESTERTON.
 * Inspector Andre: ...Lawrence Jamieson?

Cast

 * Steve Martin - Freddy Benson
 * Michael Caine - Lawrence Jamieson
 * Glenne Headly - Janet Colgate
 * Anton Rodgers - Inspector Andre
 * Barbara Harris - Fanny Eubanks
 * Ian McDiarmid - Arthur
 * Dana Ivey - Mrs. Reed
 * Meagen Fay - Lady from Oklahoma
 * Frances Conroy - Lady from Palm Beach
 * Louis Zorich - Nikos, the Greek millionaire