DodgeBall: A True Underdog Story

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story is a 2004 film about a group of misfits entering a Las Vegas dodgeball tournament in order to save their cherished local gym from the onslaught of a corporate health fitness chain.
 * Directed by Rawson Marshall Thurber. Written by Rawson Marshall Thurber.

Grab life by the balls. (taglines)

Peter La Fleur

 * It's time to put your mouth where our balls are.
 * I found that if you have a goal, you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I've gotta tell you, it feels phenomenal.
 * I'd love to, but I don't think they make a "sorry your dodgeball coach just got crushed by two tons of irony" Hallmark card.
 * You had me at blood and semen.
 * Hey, White. I didn't think Nazi camp got out until eight. Did you decide to skip arts and crafts?
 * Lance Armstong: So what are you dying from that's keeping you from the finals? Peter LaFleur: Right now it feels a little bit like... shame.
 * Thank you, Chuck Norris.
 * [in a commercial for Average Joe's, now newly renovated and successful] Hi, I'm Peter LaFleur, owner and operator of Average Joe's Gym. And I'm here to tell you, you're perfect just the way you are. But if you feel like losing a few pounds, getting healthier and making some great friends in the process, then Joe's is the place for you. Don't forget, youth dodgeball classes are forming right now. So come on down and learn a great game the way it's supposed to be played. Right, kids?

White Goodman

 * Ball me, Blazer.
 * Oh, now he's a philoso-phizer.
 * Cram it up your cram hole, LaFleur! Prepare to be humiliated on cable television.
 * That's me, six years and six-hundred pounds ago.
 * Here at Globo Gym we understand that ugliness and fatness are genetic disorders, like baldness or necrophilia, and it's your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it.
 * Good luck losing with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur!
 * I can be naughty too. Really freaky naughty... you a naughty freak?
 * Yeah, that's me taking the bull by the horns, it's how I like to run my business. It's a metaphor. But that actually happened though.
 * Let's not find ourselves shackled by the bonds of employer-employee relations. Unless of course you're into that sort of thing, in which case I got some shackles in the back. Just kidding. But seriously, I've got 'em.
 * [When asked how he knew where Kate lived] It's called the Freedom of Information Act for a reason. The hippies finally got something right. Just kidding. But not really.
 * Nobody makes me bleed my own blood! Nobody!
 * My gym has shareholders, yours haven't even got... cupholders!
 * Go on and make your jokes Mr Jokey... Joke-maker!
 * I earned this body, and I built this temple with nothing more than some elbow grease and a little can-do attitude... and yes, a large inheritance from my father, Earl Goodman.
 * Here at Globo Gym, we're better than you. And we know it.
 * I wouldn't sell you your gym back for all of King Midas' silver.
 * Your "gym" is a skid-mark on the underpants of society.
 * Well, isn't that convenient for you... and the clock!
 * [obese and drowning his sorrows in junk food and turning off the television advertising the now successful Average Joe's Gym] Spare Me, I won that tournament! Fuckin' Chuck Norris!
 * Of course you'll still be yourself in a legal sense, but think of it as a thinner, more attractive you than you could ever become without us. And with our competitively priced on-site cosmetic surgery, we can turn that Frankenstein you see in the mirror every morning, into a Franken Fine!
 * I don't know if you've ever seen a hundred thousand dollars before, except perhaps in the movies. But I can assure you, something gets lost in the translation. [opens briefcase revealing single stack of bills]
 * Turn it up high Reggie, I wanna burn.
 * I know you, you know you, and I know you know that I know you.
 * We are the Globo Gym Purple Cobras, and we will, we will, rock you!
 * You're going down, La Fleur! You're going down like a sweet muffin!
 * Are you ready for the.. HURRICANE!
 * We're sweating like grease monkeys out here, I can't hold onto a ball!
 * You and your lovable band of losers have already lost!
 * What? You like it it those freaks in loser town? [Kate says They're not freaks, they're people, just like you and me] Ha, ha, people just like you and me? That's what I love about you Kate, you've got a personality!
 * I've got some great news, you're fired! Yeh, I told the bank you were stealing and drinking on the job, and they bought it! Can you believe it?!
 * And they love you. Whoo, do they love you. You're their Fonzie, Pete. Heeeeey. Right?
 * Donde Esta La Biblioteca, Pedro?
 * In 30 days I'll be bulldozing that shit heap you call a gym into permanent nothingness, And I can only hope that you, and the mongrel Race that comprise your membership are inside it when I do.
 * Joanie loves Chachi!
 * Oh my God, we never even won a regional qualifying match - oh yeah, now I remember!
 * I get it, you've caught the scent of a lesser stag in your nostrils
 * I get it. Don't crap where you eat.
 * [upset about the judges vote to let Average Joe's play] That is pure poppycock!
 * [Deleted Scene as obese and eating junk food] I'm Peter LaFleur, I'm gonna take all the money you bribed me and bet on myself at 50:1 that I'm gonna buy out your company. Brilliant plan, too bad it doesn't make any sense. I'm Peter La Fleur. Peter La Fleur, La Fleur! The flower, that's French for kiss my ass! [Smells smoke comes from the toaster and gets up] Oh man, the Pizza Bagels are burning again. God dam, piece of crap toaster!
 * [Furious upon realizing that Globo Gym now belongs to Average Joe's and that Peter is his boss] You can't be my boss! Nobody's my boss! I'm my own boss! I created myself.
 * There, happy. Fatty make a funny!
 * And our newest member, meet Fran Stalinoskovitchdadavidovichsky. In her home country of Romanovia, dodgeball is the national sport and her team, the Nuclear Power Plants, won the championship, 5 years running. Which makes her the deadliest woman on Earth with a dodgeball.

Patches O'Houlihan

 * I ain't crazy, and I ain't a guy! I'm Patches O'Houlihan, and I'm your new coach.
 * [When questioned on learning how to dodge balls] That's what this sack of wrenches is for. If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball! [Throws wrench at Justin, hitting him square in the face] Any other questions?
 * If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball!
 * Just remember the five D's of dodgeball: Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive and... Dodge.
 * Holy hell son, you're about as useful as a cock flavored lollipop!
 * Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine? No! But I do it anyway, cause it's sterile and I like the taste.
 * Oh my sweet dick, it's magic!
 * Take care of your balls, and they'll take care of you.
 * If you want dodgeball victory you gotta grab it by its haunches and hump it into submission, that's the only way!
 * Remember, dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion and degradation. So, when you're picking players in gym class, remember to pick the bigger, stronger kids for your team. That way you can gang up on the weaker ones, like Winston here.
 * Aim low, and will someone catch a god-damn ball?! It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to fuck a doorknob out there!
 * [Deep breath in] I love the smell of queef in the morning!
 * I've got some hookers in my room... wanna go celebrate? My treat!
 * Suit yourself, queer! [when Peter declines the above offer]
 * You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat!
 * Come on! I've seen better runs in my shorts!
 * They're too good to be true and you suck something awful.
 * Where's your killer instinct, son? You have got to get angry, you have got to get MEAN! That's the only way you can play! (hits Gordon in the balls) You angry now?
 * Go you crazy son of a bitch!
 * [Advising Peter through the blindfold against White in a sudden death match] Just remember your training and trust your instincts. You can do it. Bye-bye.

Pepper

 * They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.
 * I feel like I'm watching a Cher video, Cotton.
 * Pepper needs new shorts!
 * I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.
 * That'll buy you one heck of a blumpkin, Cotton!
 * I don't know how they can play in diapers, Cotton. I never could.
 * I feel shocked!
 * Hold your phone, she's got a cannon!
 * [Peter puts on blindfold] He won't be able to see very well through that Cotton.
 * Ouchtown, population: you, bro!
 * Effin-a, Cotton. Effin-a.
 * Great shot by the submissive!
 * Eff your mama, Cotton!

Dwight

 * Oh, snap!
 * We're gonna get our taints handed to us!
 * They got guys named Laser, Blazer, Taser and all other kinds of 'asers'!
 * That guy's a dickhead.
 * We could sell blood and semen.
 * He'll probably fall off the rollercoaster and break every bone in his body. [Of the others looks] I'm just sayin'.. it happens.... my cousin Ray-Ray. Boop, dead.

Gordon

 * [deleted scene and confronting his faithless mail-order wife] I want a divorce!
 * [alarmed by the redneck owner of the truck.] Um Guys, guys. Not to be a naysayer or anything, but the only customer we've had is that weird guy who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck.

Steve the Pirate

 * Bollocks!
 * Gar, this sucks!
 * Steve's gotta go drain the sea monster.
 * I'm gonna send you to hell!
 * An' I'll be splitting my buried treasure with ya... when I find it, that be..
 * Arr, Steve the Pirate be in no man's debt! I'll make a barter with you, true as the north star!

Dialogue
( electrical cracking and screaming )


 * Globo Gym Announcer: Tired of the same old you? Tired of being out of shape and out of luck with the opposite sex? Tired of being overweight and under-attractive?
 * White:[finishing a ride on the skis] Yeah! Oh, hello. I'm White Goodman, Owner, Operator, and Founder of Globo Gym America Corp, and I'm here to tell you that you don't have to be stuck with what you got.
 * [a buffed Globo Gym member is lifting weights] 
 * White: Hey, Rory. Looking good.
 * Rory: Thanks.
 * White: Here at Globo Gym, we understand that Ugliness and Fatness are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it. [climbing on the rocky wall; grunts] And that's where we come in. [cackling] Globo Gym employs a highly-trained, quasi-cultural staff of personal alterational specialists. And with our competitively-priced on-site cosmetic surgery, we can turn that Frankenstein you see in the mirror every morning into a Franken-fine! [wheels out a bandaged-like-a-mummy person in a wheelchair] Of course you'll still be you in a legal sense, but think of it as a thinner, more attractive, better you than you could ever become without us. How do I know? Well, I'm not only the founder of Globo Gym. I'm also a client. [a picture of a 600-pound White Goodman from 14 years ago] That's me. Six years and 600 pounds ago... before I knew how much I hated myself. But that all changed once I founded Globo Gym. But don't just take my word for it. Listen to these Globo-Gymers tell you how it is.
 * [The scene switches to Peter's dog walking in the living room, revealing Peter sleeping on the couch.]


 * Peter: Crash, no! Crash, out! Bad dog!

( barks )


 * Peter: No grundle.


 * White: Come on down and join the winning the team. Because here at Globo Gym, we're better than you... and we know it!
 * Peter: Spare me.

( TV shuts off )

( beeps )

[ Woman ] ''Mr. LaFleur, this is Doris from the Department of Water and Power. We've been trying to.

( beeps )

[ Man ] ''This is Seth from Videorama. The following DVDs are now overdue: Drunken Hussies 3, Backdoor Patrol 5 and'' Mona Lisa Smile. Thank you.

( beeps )


 * [Patches has everyone lined up to explain the strategies of dodgeball]
 * Patches: If you're gonna learn to be true dodgeballers, then you've gotta learn the five Ds of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge! If you master the five Ds, no amount of balls on earth can hit you. [Justin raises his hand] Queerbait, go ahead.
 * Justin: Um, me? Or...I--Um...shouldn't we learn by...y'know, like dodging balls that are thrown at us, or...?
 * Patches: That's what this sack of wrenches is for. [empties the sack] If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.
 * Justin: What?
 * [Patches hurls a wrench in Justin's face, and he screams in pain]
 * Patches: Any other questions?
 * Justin: [screams] Oh, my God! [still writhing in agony on the floor]
 * Peter: Uh, Patches, is this really necessary?
 * Patches: Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
 * Peter: Probably not.
 * Patches: No! But I do it anyway, 'cause it's sterile and I like the taste!
 * Peter:...Okay...


 * Peter: You want to join the cheerleaders to prove to a girl that you are not a loser?
 * Justin: Yeah, why?
 * Peter: Nothing. It's just... I guess high school's changed a lot since I was a kid.


 * [Peter and a few of the guys spy on the bikini clad girls hosting a car wash across the street which attracts more customers than the Average Joe's Gym All Male Car Wash.]
 * Owen: What are the chances on the same day right across the street?
 * Peter: Come on. Those girls beat us fair and square. I for one will be a gentleman and go over to congratulate each and every one of them. Hi, purple.
 * [Gordon then runs over to Peter, Steve, Owen and Dwight, alarmed by the truck owner and his dog.]
 * Gordon: Umm guys, guys. Not to be a naysayer or anything, but the only customer that we had so far that weird guy who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck.
 * [Peter and the others turn their attention to the male owner who is obviously using his dog to force Justin to wash his truck's wheels.]
 * Truck Owner:[playing with his belly button] That's it boy! Get in there nice and deep like.
 * [The dog barks forcing Justin to work faster]
 * Peter: Yeah, that's not good.
 * Steve the Pirate: Gar, This sucks.
 * [Peter collects Justin and the other guys and retreats to Average Joe's Gym.]


 * [Peter is the only player in his team left to fight off the girl scouts in the regional qualifying match. Tired of the brats, he hurls the ball, knocking a scout to the ground]
 * Peter: I'm so sorry, are you okay?
 * Girl Scout: Why would you hit a girl? WHY?
 * Peter: I'm so sorry, really.
 * [another girl scout whacks Peter out with a ball]
 * Referee: Winner: Troop 417!
 * Girl Scout: In your face! In your face!
 * Peter: You're adopted. Your parents don't even love you.


 * [The Girl Scouts Team: Troop 417 are smug and anticipating being declared eligible until a man runs up to the stage with a note card for the announcer to read, alarmed by what he found.]
 * Announcer: I'm sorry, we have a bit of a problem here.
 * Girl Scout Troop 417: Huh?
 * Announcer: Unfortunately for Troop 417, during the ADAA-required random drug screening, one of your player's urine tested positive for three separate types of anabolic steroids, and a low-grade beaver tranquilizer. I'm afraid by rule, your team must be disqualified.
 * [Peter is smug as most of the Girl Scout Troop 417 stare in anger at a large, well-built girl scout with a mustache and hairy arms named Bernice who got them disqualified for doing just that. A member of the Girl Scouts walks over to her furious.]
 * Girl Scout: God damn you, Bernice!
 * [Enraged, she throws her cap at Bernice for getting their team disqualified and walks off. and Bernice begins crying in a deep voice]
 * Announcer: By the power vested in me, I declared the winner of this year's Dodgeball regional qualified tournament and grammar jamboree to be... Average Joe's Gym!
 * [Average Joe's Team began to cheering]]
 * Girl Scout #2: You lied!
 * [All of the Girl Scout Troop 417 leaves, Bernice crying continues.]


 * Peter: I think the lady asked you to leave.
 * White Goodman: This doesn't concern you, La Fleur.
 * Peter: Not nearly as much as your hair does, that's for sure.


 * Peter: Alliteration aside, I think I'll take my chances.
 * White Goodman: Yeah, you will take your chances.
 * Peter: I know. I just said that.
 * White Goodman: I know you just said that.
 * Peter: I'm not sure where you're going with this.
 * White Goodman: I'm not sure where you're going with this.
 * Peter: That's what I said.
 * White Goodman: That's what I'm saying to you.
 * Peter: Okay.
 * White Goodman: ...Touché.


 * Kate: [Kate throws a dodgeball underhand, breaking off the head of the White Goodman cutout. The rest of the team stares at her] What? Eight years of softball.
 * Dwight: Man, she gotta be a lesbian!
 * Peter: She's not a lesbian.
 * Patches: All I know is that dyke can play!


 * [after watching Gordon throw a ball that missed a slowly moving target]
 * Patches: You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat! Where's your killer instinct, son? You gotta get angry! You gotta get MEAN! That's the only way you can play!
 * Gordon: Well, I guess I'm not really an angry person.
 * [Patches punches Gordon in the crotch and watches as he collapses]
 * Patches: Are you angry now?


 * Kate: Don't worry about him, Justin, he's a jerk.
 * Dwight: Yeah, he'll probably fall off the rollercoaster and break every bone in his body.
 * Kate: Nice, Dwight.
 * Dwight: I'm just saying, it happens. My cousin Ray-Ray, boop. Dead.


 * Cotton: It appears that Average Joe's is forfeiting the final match.
 * Pepper: That's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for 'em.


 * White Goodman: This is it, La Loser! You ready for the- Woo! -hurricane?
 * Peter: Just don't go crying to mommy when I spank you in front of all these people.
 * White Goodman: And don't go crying to your daddy, after I wipe it up with your face!
 * Peter: [As they start to walk away] Hey, White?
 * White Goodman: Yeah?
 * Peter: You look awfully fat in those pants.


 * Cotton: It looks like Peter La Fleur has actually blindfolded himself.
 * Pepper: Yeah, he will not be able to see very well, Cotton.


 * Kate: Joyce?
 * Joyce: Kate!
 * Kate: What are you doing here? I thought you were in Guam.
 * Joyce: I caught an earlier fIight, I wouldn't have miss this for the world!
 * Kate: You are amazing. (kisses Joyce passionately)
 * Dwight: I told you she was a lesbian.
 * Peter: Wow. Good call.
 * Kate: Hey! I'm not a lesbian.
 * Peter: You're not?
 * Kate: No. I'm bisexual. (kisses Peter)
 * Dwight: Oh, snap!
 * [The scene switches to the Average Joe's team including Steve donning his uniform and pirate attire standing together for a picture.]
 * Peter: Everyone, smile big for the camera!
 * [The Average Joe's smile and they're on the cover for the Obscure Sports Quarterly with the title Average Joe's Wins it All. On the bottom of the front cover shows a small expose on White's Globo Gym dodgeball team and why America loathes him.]


 * Peter: Thank you, Chuck Norris!
 * Chuck Norris: Thank you Peter.


 * White: Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn't sell you your gym back for all of King Midas' silver. The gym is mine! So you can take your band of yellow-bellied losers and just crawl on outta here!
 * Peter: You're right. I can't make you sell back my gym, so I'll just take your advice and invest in something. Say... the controlling stake of Globo Gym.
 * White: That's preposterous! I'd never allow it.
 * Kate: Globo Gym is a publicly-traded company, there's nothing you can do about it.
 * Peter: So, I would control Globo Gym and... everything that Globo Gym owns. Which as of last night is Average Joe's Gym!
 * [Average Joe's Team cheering, alongside Fran who is with Owen. White is furious upon learning that Globo Gym now belongs to Average Joe's.]
 * Peter: I'm your new boss, White.
 * White: You can't be my boss! Nobody's my boss! I'm my own boss! I created myself!
 * Peter: You're fired, pal.
 * White: You-- You can't do anything to me! You're going down, La Fleur! You're going down like a sweet muffin!
 * Me'Shell: (another buff member of the Globo Gym Purple Cobras is seen restraining White) Another time, another time.
 * White: You suck, LaFleur! (Walks away with his team minus Fran and steals a kid's hot dog) Give me that. (chows down on the hot dog.)

<hr width=50%>
 * [Steve shows up having cleaned himself up and faces Peter in the middle of the celebration.]
 * Steve: I just want to say I thought about what you said and you were right I'm not really a pirate.
 * Peter: I don't know, Steve. If you're not really a pirate, who will I share this buried treasure with?
 * [The Casino Host opens up the treasure chest to reveal the $5 million Peter won off a long shot bet he made on Average Joe's to win.]
 * Steve: (Reverting back to the lovable pirate he is) Gar! Peter?
 * Peter: Gar, Steve.

<hr width=50%>
 * [An Average Joe's commercial is seen in which is now newly renovated and successful due to Peter's better money management and business skills.]
 * Peter: Hi, I'm Peter LaFleur, owner and operator of Average Joe's gym and I'm here to tell you, you're perfect the way you are. But if you feel like losing a few pounds, eating healthier and making a few friends in the process, then Joe's is the place for you.
 * [Peter is seen with Kate (who is now his girlfriend), Dwight, Gordon with his children, Steve the Pirate, Justin, Amber (Justin's pregnant girlfriend), Owen and Fran. They are surrounded by children and on top of the newly built Dodgeball gym is a picture of a wheelchair bound Patches O' Houlihan.]
 * Peter: Don't forget, youth dodge ball classes are forming right now. So learn a great game like it's supposed to be played. Right, kids?
 * Children: Right.
 * [They throw dodgeball at Peter and co, and having a blast in it. A scene soon switches to White Goodman's living room. He's now obese from drowning his sorrows in junk food]
 * White: [mock laughter before turning off the TV with the remote.] Spare me, I won that tournament. [Eats a chicken thigh] Fuckin' Chuck Norris!

Taglines

 * Grab life by the balls.
 * Go Balls Deep! (Banner on display in arena.)