Dogma (film)

Dogma is a 1999 film about two renegade angels, banished for eternity to Wisconsin, who find a "loophole" that may allow them to return to Heaven. Unbeknownst to them, their reentry threatens to destroy the universe, forcing Heaven to mobilize forces to stop them.
 * Written and directed by Kevin Smith.

Get "touched" by an angel. Taglines

Azrael

 * No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater... than central air.
 * (Last words) But l'm a fucking demon.

Metatron

 * As I was saying - prior to your firefighting episode - I am... the Metatron. [Bethany stares blankly.] Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell. [She continues staring blankly.] You people! If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it?
 * Tell a person that you're the Metatron, and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody's a theology scholar! May I continue uninterrupted?

Serendipity

 * The whole book's gender-biased. A woman's responsible for original sin. A woman cuts Samson's coif of power. A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist. Read that book again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks.
 * So you were an artist? Big deal. Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war.  That's why he's the King, and you're a schmuck.

Other

 * PA Announcer: [at St. Michael's hospital] I repeat: this is not a drill. This is the Apocalypse. Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion. Thank you. l repeat.

Dialogue

 * Nun: So, you don't believe in God...because of Alice in Wonderland?
 * Loki: No, Through the Looking Glass, that poem "The Walrus and the Carpenter," that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and good nature, obviously represents either Buddha or, with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god Lord Ganesha – that takes care of your eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. Now I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions, out of fear of some intangible parent figure, who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says "Do it, do it and I'll fucking spank you!" The existentialists can keep their Kierkegaard and their Sartre &mdash; give me Lewis Carroll any day. That guy knows what time it is!
 * Nun: The way you put it... I've never thought about it like that before. What...what have I been doing with my life?
 * Loki: Yeah, I know. Look, why don't you take this money you're collecting for your parish, and go out and buy yourself a new dress. Fix yourself up. Find some man. Find some woman. Find anyone you can connect with, even for a moment. Because that's all that life really is, Sister &mdash; it's a series of moments. Why don't you go seize yours? Attagirl.
 * [The nun smiles gratefully and leaves. Loki sits next to Bartleby.]
 * Bartleby: Here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there's a God. You've been in His presence, He's spoken to you personally. And yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.
 * Loki: I just love to fuck with the clergy, man, I just love it. I love keeping those guys on their toes!


 * Loki: Our last four days on Earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can do the next best thing.
 * Bartleby: What's that?
 * Loki: Let's kill people.
 * [A woman standing next to them does a spit take]
 * Loki: Oh, not you.


 * [Metatron's fiery entrance in Bethany's room]
 * Metatron: Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true...
 * [Bethany sprays Metatron with a fire extinguisher; Metatron coughs repeatedly and emerges from the smoke in human form as Bethany rushes to her bed and grabs a baseball bat]
 * Metatron: Ah, Sweet Jesus! Did you have to use the whole can?!
 * Bethany: Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my room?!
 * Metatron: I'm the one that's soaked and she's the one that's surly, that's rich. Stupid... fucking Christ...
 * Bethany: Get the fuck out of here! Now!
 * Metatron: Or you'll do what, exactly? Hit me with that...fffffish?
 * [Bethany realizes the baseball bat she's holding is now a large fish, and drops it in shock]
 * Metatron: Now, just sit down on the bed and shut up. Jesus wept... Look at my suit!
 * Bethany: Look, just take whatever you want, but don't kill or rape me.
 * Metatron: Oh, give over, will you? I couldn't rape you if I wanted to; Angels are ill-equipped! [Drops his pants to show blank skin where his genitals should be] See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. Now make yourself useful and gimme that towel, will you? [Bethany tosses it to him and he starts wiping his clothes dry] Honestly, you bottom feeders and your arrogance, you think everybody's just trying to get in your knickers.
 * Bethany: What are you?
 * Metatron: I'm pissed off, is what I am! Do you go around drenching everybody that comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.


 * Metatron: Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims that God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're talking to themselves.
 * Bethany: Well... why doesn't God speak for Himself?
 * Metatron: Glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that: human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five s before we figured that one out.


 * Metatron: I am to charge you with a holy crusade.
 * Bethany: For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.
 * Metatron: was a drunk, look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey and visit a small church on a very important day.
 * Bethany: New Jersey? That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.
 * Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.
 * Bethany: What's the fine print?
 * Metatron: [Mumbling into glass] Stop-a-couple-of-angels-from-entering-and-thus-negating-all-existence.
 * Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
 * Metatron: [Annoyed] Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it spelled out for them!


 * [Jay and Silent Bob have just saved Bethany from Azrael's minions]
 * Bethany: I don't know what to say or think, except...
 * Jay: That's you'll offer us sex as a reward?
 * Bethany: Um... that I'd like to know who they and you are.
 * Jay: I'm Jay, and this my hetero lifemate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would have kicked yours and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't of represented.
 * Bethany: Well, thanks for being out here so late. Wait... are you protesters?
 * Jay: You mean those dickheads with the signs and the pictures of dead babies? Shit no! Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice. A woman's body is her own goddamn business!
 * Bethany: So, what are you doing hanging around?
 * Jay: We're here to pick up chicks.
 * Bethany: Excuse me?
 * Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be here unless they like to fuck?


 * Gun Salesman: We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on.
 * Loki: Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that wrath-of-the-almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this...
 * Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like.
 * Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah, I had to do all the work.
 * Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires.
 * Loki: I rained down sulfur, man, there's a subtle difference.
 * Bartleby: Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
 * Loki: [defensively] Hey, you know, fuck you, man; any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulfur is like an endurance trial, man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer.


 * Jay: So, what's up? You gotta friend for Silent Bob, or you wanna do us both? If so, I'm first; I hate sloppy seconds.
 * Bethany: You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry. May I ask what brought you here?
 * Jay: Some fuck named John Hughes.
 * Bethany: Sixteen Candles John Hughes?
 * Jay: You know that guy too? That fucking guy. Made this flick Sixteen Candles. Not bad, there's tits in it, but no bush. But Ebert over here don't give a shit about that kinda thing. 'Cause he's all in love with this John Hughes guy. Goes out and like rents every one of his movies. Fucking Breakfast Club; all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. Fucking Weird Science where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no she don't cause it's a PG movie. And then Pretty in Pink, which I can't watch with this tubby bitch anymore because every time we get to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. And nothing is worse than watching a fuckin' fat man weep.
 * Bethany: What exactly brought you to Illinois?
 * Jay: See, all these movies take place in a small town called Shermer, Illinois where all the honeys are top shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies. [Silent Bob raises a finger.] Except for Judd Nelson, he was fucking harsh! [He and Silent Bob bump fists.] But best of all, there was no one dealing, man. Then it hits me, we could live like fat rats if we're the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinios, so we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus. You know what the fuck we found out when we got there? There is no Shermer, Illinois. Movies are fucking bullshit.
 * Bethany: When are you going back to Jersey?
 * Jay: [to Silent Bob] Jesus, this broad asks a lot of questions. [to Bethany] Tomorrow.
 * Bethany: [to herself] Tomorrow...
 * Jay: Yeah. So, you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast 'em in the ass?
 * Bethany: I didn't ask you out for sex.
 * Jay: I'll take head.
 * Bethany: This is gonna sound really bad. I can't believe I'm even thinking about this, but... I think I should go with you?
 * Jay: What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend? All right, but Silent Bob has to live with us and you pay the rent.
 * Bethany: No. I wanna go with you to New Jersey.
 * Jay: Really?
 * Bethany: You're going to lead me somewhere.
 * Jay: Me lead you? Lady, look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time. If we're not gonna fuck, then what the fuck did you ask us out for?
 * Bethany: Someone told me I'd meet you and you'd take me some place I was suppose to go.
 * Jay: What the hell are you babbling about? All I know is we saved your ass from some angry, fucking dwarves and now you're telling us we're suppose to take you somewhere and you don't even know where the hell it is?
 * Bethany: Do you believe in God?
 * Jay: Holy fuck! [to Silent Bob] All the fine immoral bitches out in front of that place and we gotta get the one Jesus freak? Let's get the fuck outta here- [both get up to leave]
 * Bethany: No, wait!
 * Jay: I'll scream rape.
 * Bethany: I can pay you.
 * Jay: Pay? [he and Silent Bob sit back down]
 * Bethany: A hundred bucks for being my guide. You're going to Jersey anyway; all I'm asking is to tag along.
 * Jay: [to Silent Bob] I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi and we're in that fucked up bar! [to Bethany] What about sex?
 * Bethany: No sex.
 * Jay: All right, well lets say we're caught in a situation where we have like five minutes left to live. I don't know, a bomb or something's gonna go off; would you fuck us then?
 * Bethany: In that highly unlikely situation... yeah, sure.
 * Jay: Yeah? [to Silent Bob] She's the slut. Booong!


 * Jay: You believe this shit?!
 * Rufus: You know, that's a lot like the good people of Antioch were saying, right before they stoned my ass!
 * Bethany: You were martyred?
 * Rufus: That's one way of putting it. Another would be I was bludgeoned to death by big fucking rocks!


 * Bethany: You knew Christ?
 * Rufus: Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks!


 * Jay: Yo, man, tell me something about me.
 * Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
 * Jay: Ah, fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
 * Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys. [walks off]
 * [a shocked Silent Bob stares at Jay]
 * Jay: Dude, not all the time.


 * Rufus: His only real beef with mankind is the shit that gets carried out in His name. Wars, bigotry, televangelism. The big one, though, is the fractioning of all of the religions. He said mankind got it all wrong by taking a good idea and building a belief structure on it.
 * Bethany: You’re saying having beliefs is a bad thing?
 * Rufus: I just think it’s better to have ideas. I mean, you can change an idea, changing a belief is trickier. People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now, because of the Catholic belief structure regarding this plenary indulgence bullshit. Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief. And if they’re successful, you, me… ALL of this ends in a heartbeat, all over a belief.


 * Whitland: Morning. Has anyone seen the overnights?
 * Board: No
 * Whitland: We creamed 'em. Last night was a re-run which says to me... Do I smell onion? [Loki and Bartleby are noticed seated, Loki peeling onions with a knife] 'Excuse me. May I ask what you're doing in my boardroom?
 * Loki: [To Bartleby] You may proceed, mon ami.
 * Bartleby: I'm gonna have to start by apologizing. My friend has a bit of a penchant for the dramatic.
 * Loki: Oh come on!
 * Bartleby: Relax, I'm doing this. [To the board room] Mooby, the Golden Calf. Created by Nancy Goldruff, a former kindergarten teacher in 1989. Bought by the Complex Corporation in 1991. Broadcast nationally as the "Mooby Fun-Time Hour." Since its inception, has spawned two theatrical films, sixteen records, eight prime-time specials, and a library of priced-to-own videocassettes. Not to mention bicoastal theme parks... dubbed "Mooby World." Did I miss anything?
 * Whitland: You forgot Mooby Magazine.
 * Bartleby: Damn it!
 * Whitland: Now, is there a point to this?
 * Bartleby: You and your board are idolaters.
 * Loki: [To Bartleby] I can't believe you forgot the magazine. [Places the onion, carved in the shape of a man, before Whitman] That's you. Do you know much about voodoo? That's a fascinating practice. No real doctrine of faith to speak of. More an arrangement of superstitions the most well-known of which is the voodoo doll. You see- [Sneezes. He looks around the room but no one speaks.  Shrugs and continues his speech.] -a mockup of an individual is subjected to various pokes and prods.The desired result is that the individual will feel those effects.
 * Whitland: Call security, now! [Loki throws a the knife into the phone]
 * Loki: All lines are currently down.
 * Bartleby: I'm gonna have to apologize.
 * Loki:-Would you knock it off?
 * Bartleby: You're doing it again. Stop. What did we talk about? [To the board room] Ahem. You are responsible for raising an icon which draws worship from the Lord. You have broken the First Commandment. More than that, I'm afraid not a one of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like you, Mr. Burton. Last year, you cheated on your wife of 17 years 8 times. You even had sex with her best friend... while you were supposed to be home watching the kids.
 * Loki: In the bed that you and your wife share, no less.
 * Bartleby: Mr. Newman. You got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party and then paid a kid from the mail room to have sex with her while she was passed out just so you could break up with her guilt-free when she sobbingly confessed in the morning. She killed herself three months later. Mr. Brace disowned his gay son. Very compassionate. Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and used the profits from the sale of her home to buy an Oriental rug for himself. Heavens. Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account to have sex with an eleven-year-old boy. Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe because it was, survey says... less costly. You, on the other hand [addressing the only female board member] are an innocent. You lead a good life. Good for you. But you, Mr. Whitland. You have more skeletons in your closet than this assembled party. I cannot even mention them aloud. [Whispers into Whitland's ear]
 * Loki: You're his father, you sick fuck! - Good.-
 * Bartleby: Not bad, man.
 * Loki: That's great work.
 * Bartleby: Very good. [Walks out]
 * Loki: Well, alone at last. With the exception of Miss Pryce here there isn't a decent human being amongst you. Not one. Do you know what makes a human being decent? Fear. And therein lies the problem. None of you has anything left to fear anymore. You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power hiding behind your false idol,far from judgment lives shrouded in secrecy, even from one another. But not from God. (Walks off) Oh, forgot my little voodoo doll. Man, it really looks just like you, doesn't it? Look, if I believed enough in this... I wonder.[smashes doll into table. The board scream in terror before realizing nothing's happened. Loki snickers] Come on. I don't believe in voodoo. Voodoo. [Loki exits the boardroom. The board members collect themselves, but then Loki re-enters with gun drawn] But I do believe in this!. [Opens fire] DON'T RUN! DON'T RUN! FAKES! FAKES, ALL OF YOU FAKES! AND YOU! IN THE BED THAT YOU AND YOUR WIFE SHARE NO LESS!
 * Bartleby: [Reading Mooby magazine] "But I do believe in this"... What does that mean?
 * Loki: [all but the innocent woman are dead] Gum? Go on it's OK you've done nothing wrong, those guys were finks and you're a pure soul. [Points gun at her] But you didn't say God bless you when I sneezed.
 * Bartleby: LOKI!
 * Loki: You're getting off light.
 * Bartleby: Loki!
 * Loki: I know, I'm coming. [walks off] You're so lucky.


 * Bartleby: My eyes are open. For the first time, I get it. When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany. See in the beginning, it was just us and Him, angels and God...and then he created humans. Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship, and bowing and scraping and adoration. He gave them more than He ever gave us &mdash; He gave them a choice. They choose to acknowledge God, or choose to ignore Him. All this time we've been down here, I've felt the absence of the divine presence, and it's pained me, as I'm sure it must have pained you. And why? Because of the way He made us! Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain, like they do. But no &mdash; We're servants!
 * Loki: [alarmed] Okay... You know, all I'm saying is that maybe one of us needs a little nap...
 * Bartleby: Wake up! These Humans have besmirched everything He's bestowed upon them. They were given paradise &mdash; they threw it away. They were given this planet &mdash; they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists! And in spite of it all, He has shown them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you once to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from paradise! Where was His infinite fucking patience then? It's not right! It's not fair! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time, don't you think it's time we went home? And to do that, I think we may have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers.
 * Loki: Wait, wait, wait...kill them? You're talking about the Last Scion, for Chrissake! And what about Jay and Bob? I mean, those guys were alright!
 * Bartleby: Don't, don't my friend. See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you. They did me, once. Scion or not... she's just a human. And by passing through that arch, our sins are forgiven. No harm, no foul.
 * Loki: [horrified] My God... I've heard a rant like this before.
 * Bartleby: What did you say?
 * Loki: I've heard a rant like this before.
 * Bartleby: Don't you fucking do that to me.
 * Loki: You sound like the Morning Star!
 * Bartleby: You shut your fucking mouth, man!
 * Loki: You do, you sound like Lucifer, man! You've fucking lost it! You're not talking about going home, Bartleby &mdash; you're talking about fucking war on God! Well, fuck that! I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the throne. I'm going back to Wisconsin.
 * [Bartleby slams Loki against a wall]
 * Bartleby: We're going home, Loki! And no one &mdash; not you, not even the Almighty Himself &mdash; is going to make that otherwise.


 * Bethany: Why me? Out of all the people on the goddamn planet, why was I tapped?
 * Rufus: Imagine you're a twelve-year old boy, and one day you're told you're God's only son- more than that, you're God. How long do you think it would take you to come to grips with something that huge? Maybe, say, eighteen years? In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes from twelve to thirty. Twelve to thirty! Now that's some pretty bad story-telling! Where are the texts dealing with the missing eighteen years?! I'll tell you where; they were offered up as a sacrifice to the God of ecumenical politics!
 * Bethany: [sarcastically joking] You make it sound like there was some Church conspiracy to cover up the "truth about Christ"! [Rufus gives her a look; Bethany instantly becomes more serious] Bullshit! Any important material about Christ would give people a better understanding of the nature of God. Why leave any of it out?
 * Rufus: Because it's all closely tied in with His family.
 * Bethany: His mother and father?
 * Rufus: His brothers and sisters.
 * Bethany: Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters; Mary was a virgin.
 * Rufus: Mary gave birth to Christ without knowing a man's touch, this is true, but she did have a husband. And do you really think he would have stayed married to her for all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin birth are all leaps of faith, but to believe a married couple never got down...well that's just plain gullibility!
 * Bethany: Meaning?
 * Rufus: The blood that flows through your veins shares a chromosome or two at the genetic level with the one you call Jesus. Bethany, you are the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grand-niece of Jesus Christ.
 * Jay: So that would make Bethany... part black?


 * [Bethany has just found out that she is the last descendant of Jesus]
 * Bethany: [looking skyward] WHY?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! I FUCKING HATE YOU! [now crying] I hate you.
 * Metatron: He can't hear you, you know.
 * Bethany: Why didn't you tell me?
 * Metatron: Would you - could you - have believed me? You had to come to it gradually. Only now, after all you've seen, could you accept the truth.
 * Bethany: I don't want this. It's too big.
 * Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yeah... I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father, that one word from his lips would destroy the Son's frail human body. So, I had to tell a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children that he was God's only son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people he had come to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it all back, as if I could. He begged me to 'make it all not true'. And I'll let you in on something, Bethany. It's something I've never told anyone before: if I had the power, I would have. It's unfair! It's unfair to ask a child to shoulder that responsibility, and it's unfair to ask you to do the same. I sympathize, I do. I wish I could take it all back. But I can't. This is who you are.
 * Bethany: Everything I am has been a lie.
 * Metatron: No, no, no! Knowing what you now know doesn't mean you're not who you were. You are Bethany Sloane - no one can take that away from you, not even God. All this means is a new definition of that identity. The incorporation of this new data into who you are. Be who you've always been. Just be this as well... from time to time.
 * Bethany: [chuckles mirthlessly] I guess this mean no more cheating on my taxes.
 * Metatron: [smiles] To say the least.


 * Rufus: So what do we do now?
 * Metatron: Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas.

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 * Cardinal Glick: Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young. [lights a cigarette]
 * Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry?
 * Cardinal Glick: Christ, if only we had their numbers.

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 * Cardinal Glick: Who sent you here?
 * Rufus: We were sent by Him who is called I Am!
 * Cardinal Glick: Cute. Really cute.
 * Rufus: [shrugs] Worked for Moses.

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 * Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony tomorrow is a mistake!
 * Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes!
 * Rufus: Please! What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?
 * Bethany: And its platform of non-involvement during the Holocaust?
 * Cardinal Glick: ...All right, mistakes were made.

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 * Azrael: Get me a... Holy Bartender.
 * Bartender: Never heard of it.
 * Azrael: Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?
 * Serendipity: Don't...
 * Azrael: Ahh, anybody? No? [Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads] Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender... [pulls out an Uzi, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically] Get it?
 * Serendipity: [restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared] Sweet Jesus, Azrael, why?
 * Rufus: Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!
 * Azrael: Now, now, Apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you. [referring to Bethany]
 * Serendipity: Are you really that stupid!? You do know what happens if those two jerks enter the church, don't you?
 * Azrael: I'm actually counting on it! And the pawns are moving into place as we speak...
 * Jay: [suddenly starts sniggering] Holy Bartender! I get it, that's a great one!

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 * Bethany: Look asshole, I don't know if anyone's explained it, but if those two enter that church, everything gets blinked out of existence, even you!
 * Azrael: Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. Did you know that once, Hell was nothing more than the absence of God? And if you'd ever been in His presence, you'd realize that's punishment enough. But then your kind came along, and made it so much worse.
 * Bethany: Humans aren't capable of one hundredth of the evil a shitbag demon like you is!
 * Azrael: [furious] Evil...is AN ABSTRACT! It's a human construct! But true to his irresponsible nature, man won't own up to being its engineer, so he blames his dark deeds on my ilk! But it's not enough to shadow his own existence: no, he turned Hell into a suffering pit! And why?! Because it is beyond your abilities to simply make personal recompense for the sins you commit. No, you chose rather to create a psychodrama and dwell in a false belief that God could never forgive your grievous offences! So you bring your guilt and your inner decay with you to Hell, where the horde imaginations of so many gluttons-for-punishment gave birth to the sickness that has infected the abyss since the first one of your kind arrived there, begging to be punished! And in doing so, they've transformed the cold and the solitude to pain and misery! I've spent eons privy to the flames, inhaling the decay, hearing the wail of the damned! I know what effect such horrors have on the delicate psyche of an ANGELIC BEING! [calms himself] I'd rather not exist than go back to that... and if everyone has to go down with me, so be it.

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 * Bethany: [Notices Jay is taking off his pants] What are you doing?
 * Jay: I'd say we got about five minutes to live, the whole world's gonna end... and you said you'd fuck me.

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 * Rufus: Why, Bethany Sloane, are you saying you believe?
 * Bethany: No. But I have a good idea.

Taglines

 * Get "touched" by an angel.
 * It Can Be Hell Getting Into Heaven
 * Faith is a funny thing.
 * Prepare Thyself.
 * Look out Below

Cast

 * Ben Affleck – Bartleby
 * Matt Damon – Loki
 * Linda Fiorentino – Bethany Sloane
 * Alan Rickman – Metatron
 * Chris Rock – Rufus, the 13th Apostle
 * Jason Lee – Azrael
 * Salma Hayek – Serendipity
 * Jason Mewes – Jay
 * Kevin Smith – Silent Bob
 * George Carlin – Cardinal Glick
 * Janeane Garofalo – Liz
 * Alanis Morissette – God