Don't Hug Me I'm Scared

Don't Hug Me I'm Scared is a British comedy horror web and television series. The series consists of a six-episode web series and a television series on Channel 4.

Episode 1 (Creativity)

 * Notepad: What’s your favourite idea?




 * Notepad: I use my hair to express myself!
 * Red Guy: That sounds really boring.




 * Notepad: Come on guys, let’s get creative!




 * Notepad: Now let’s all agree to never be creative again.

Episode 2 (Time)

 * Tony: There’s always time for a song!




 * Tony: Now you can see the importance of time, it helps us make pizza and keeps things in line.
 * Duck: But when did it start?
 * Yellow Guy: And when will it stop?
 * Tony: Time is important and I am a clock.
 * Red Guy: If we run out of time, then where does it go?
 * Yellow Guy: Is time even real? Does anyone know?
 * Duck: Maybe time’s just a construct of human perception, an illusion created by-
 * Tony: NYEH, NYEH, NYEH, NYEH, NYEH, NYEH, NYEH




 * Tony: It's out of my hands, I'm only a clock. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be fine. But eventually, everyone runs out of time!

Episode 3 (Love)

 * Duck:(swats fly) Pesky bee!




 * Yellow Guy:(sees butterfly) A little baby pigeon.




 * Red Guy: Now we've eaten the chicken, I don't know what to do.
 * Duck: Maybe we should look for our friend. Isn't that what friends do? And we have finished our chicken picnic…

Episode 4 (Computers)

 * Red Guy: Oh… I guess it’s my turn to choose a card. Let’s see… what’s the biggest thing in the world?
 * Duck: Hmm… that’s a tricky one.
 * Yellow Guy: A mountains? A sky? A windmill!
 * Duck: No!




 * Colin: Don’t touch me!




 * Yellow Guy: Wow look, nothing!

Episode 5 (Health)

 * Duck: No! Enough! I don’t want to do this anymore!
 * (Duck knocks over the camera and runs away)

Episode 6 (Dreams)

 * Red Guy: H-hey, but wouldn't it be funny, if um… one of these files came alive? Heh, yeah. I am a file, and… You put documents in me… and, um… ah doo doo doo, oh file. Funny... silly file.. ah doo doo doo... You know, it did it like a song?
 * Other Red Guy: That sounds really boring.




 * Red Guy: I wonder what will happen.

Jobs

 * Briefcase: Almost forgot my briefcase!
 * Yellow Guy: Look, he’s one of those guys who has one of himself.


 * Briefcase: Keep going, Unemployed Brendan.
 * Brendan: Why can’t you just call me Brendan?! My name is Brendan!
 * Briefcase: Oh, don't be like that!
 * Brendan: This isn't fair! [punches wall] OW! My HAND!
 * Red Guy: Are you alright?
 * Brendan: What did you say to me?!
 * Red Guy: I said "is your hand alright?"


 * Duck: You need to be more aggressive. That’s how you get ahead in the workplace.
 * [takes megaphone; looks to employees]
 * Duck: Attention freaks it’s me! We're supposed to be getting our jobs started today. How do we get out of here, or away from YOU immediatley? [the employees continue working, ignoring Duck's request] How strange! They're pretending they don't respect me.


 * Employee: I like my child, but not as much as I like… lasagna!


 * Red Guy: You’re just jealous cause I’m actually good at it. And I look like a smart boy in my outfit.


 * Red Guy: Working hard or hardly working, eh?
 * Yellow Guy: You didn’t wash your hands.
 * Red Guy: Yeah, so what? Somebody else will do it.

Death

 * Duck: I’m a talking crow-like thing.
 * Red Guy: And I am red and made of string.
 * Yellow Guy: And I’m a yellow pig.




 * Duck: Well, I’m dead.
 * Yellow Guy: What?
 * Red Guy: Huh?
 * Duck: I’m dead, says right here. I’m definitely dead.
 * Yellow Guy: How did you die?
 * Duck: I forgot to drink water, ha!

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 * Yellow guy: You laid an egg. Quick, make a wish.

Family

 * Yellow Guy: Let’s see this real family in action. They can open our dollops.
 * Red Guy: And we can leave our pathetic life behind.
 * Everyone: Hooray!

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 * Duck: So how long is this home movie?
 * Lily: This is the extended cut!

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 * Yellow Guy: Hey, who says we're not a family anyway? Maybe a family is just a group that care for each other.
 * Duck: And stick together.
 * Red Guy: And share a lawyer.
 * Yellow Guy: And die on the same day in the same style of accident but in different locations.

Friendship

 * Duck: And every day's a new surprise.
 * Yellow Guy: When you're learning with us guys.
 * Red Guy: And we live in an actual NIGHTMAAAAAARE!

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 * Colin the Computer: It's computer day!
 * Everyone: Hooray!
 * Red Guy: All right, let's do this. I'm on keys. You got the mouse?
 * Duck: Yeah. Both hands for complete control. You won't get away from me this year.
 * Colin: Hey, nice grip.
 * Duck: Thank you.
 * Red Guy: And the password?
 * Yellow Guy: Me? But I-I don't know the password.
 * Duck: What? That's your only thing! You came up with it. You're supposed to remember it.
 * Yellow Guy: Oh... yeah.

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 * Colin: Freelancers deserve to die!

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 * Warren: How could a confident, handsome worm- EAGLE have trouble keeping friends? Good question-
 * Red Guy: Because of the way you look.
 * Warren: The way I...
 * Red Guy: You know, sort of lumpy and red raw.
 * Duck: You look like a bit of a bigger animal that fell off or was removed and then came to life.
 * Yellow Guy: More like an old person's finger.
 * Duck: Reminds me of an infection I had up my...
 * Red Guy: Or was it the voice?
 * Colin: He looks like a tumour.
 * Duck: And he stinks.
 * Yellow Guy: I know, it's because you've got beady eyes like a rat.
 * Red Guy: Or you're just generally unlikable in a way that's hard to pin down.
 * Warren: (cries)
 * Red Guy: What's he doing?
 * Duck: Looks like he's in pain.
 * Yellow Guy: Are you dying?
 * Warren: I-I'm actually laughing. Doesn't bother me at all. If I was bothered by that kind of thing, do you think I would be laughing about it? No. And do you know why that doesn't bother me? Because I have something called-
 * Yellow Guy: Rat eyes!
 * Warren: No! Not rat eyes!
 * Yellow Guy: That's it! That's the password! Rat eyes!
 * Duck: Your maiden name, of course!

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 * Colin: Welcome to the information highway! What would you like to do first?
 * Red Guy: Let's check our internet speed.
 * Yellow Guy: Let's do gambling!
 * Duck: I'd like to go on the dark web and look at a picture of a skeleton!
 * Colin: Great news! But first things first...
 * Together: Let's check our e-mail!

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 * Red Guy: Well, sorry we didn't get to hang out much. I guess there's always computer day next year.
 * Duck: Yeah. Don't close our tabs. I want to see that skeleton.

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 * Duck: you idiot!
 * Yellow Guy: what? Don’t say that to me! I didn’t mean to!
 * Duck: oh shut up!
 * Red Guy: hey Don’t talk to him like that.
 * Duck: turn on me?
 * Red Guy: you said you weren’t going to talk to him like that anymore!
 * Duck: he ruined it! I’m never going to see that skeleton!
 * Red guy: oh boohoo-
 * Yellow Guy: I HATE YOU! (Smashes a bottle into duck’s face)
 * Red guy: IM DEALING WITH IT! (Smashes a Lamp into yellow guy’s face)
 * (The screen cutes to black with the friends yelling over each other)
 * Yellow Guy: NOW IM P*SSED! LETS GO!
 * Duck: WHEN YOU DO THINGS YOU NEVER THING TWICE ABOUT IT! (The sounds of punches go flying)
 * Duck: COME HERE!
 * (More punches go flying)
 * Duck: YOU LITTLE PIG!
 * yellow guy: GET BACK FROM ME!
 * (the sounds of a machine gun fire)
 * Yellow guy: GET AWAY! Yellow Guy: I'LL KILL YOU!!!
 * Red Guy: Oh really?!
 * (chainsaw sound heading toward the two)
 * Duck: NO!
 * Yellow guy: ARGGHHH-
 * (Duck and yellow guy scream)

Transport

 * Yellow Guy: I'm the one who had a dream where there was stuff like there was another of me and everything was lots of fun and I went and saw the other ones and there was a little lumpy one and another whiny middle one and there were things that they had around that I knew what they were but I don't know now and then it went away.

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 * Tape: Lesson number 40: reverse parallel parking on an incline. Firstly, you'll need to-
 * Red Guy: How about this one?
 * Tape: Lesson number 92: dominating the road. Handbrake turns around tight corners at high speed are a great way to impress new colleagues and intimidate-
 * Red Guy: What? No! Where's lesson one?
 * Yellow Guy: Oh well.
 * Duck: Yeah, you gave it your best shot.
 * Red Guy: Ah, what about this one.
 * Tape: Lesson number 1.
 * Red Guy: Yes, here we go.
 * Tape: First things first.
 * Red Guy: Okay.
 * Tape: And this is very important.
 * Red Guy: Yeah.
 * Tape: Before you even set foot in a vehicle, you'll need to pick out a name for your personalised license plate. Anything at all except DJ B1NBA6Z with the I as a 1, the G as a 6 and the S as a Z cause THAT'S WHAT I'M THINKING OF GETTING!

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 * Red Guy: We're actually thinking of going somewhere new.
 * Satnav: Somewhere new? Cool! Where are you thinking? Just type in your destination!
 * Red Guy: I don't know just... just down here?
 * Satnav: Oh, I'm sorry, that place doesn't exist anymore.
 * Red Guy: What? What happened to it?
 * Satnav: Just shrivelled up I reckon.

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 * Time Child: Time Child! I'm the Time Child! Hey guys, drink this space alcohol and come with me to the sixth dimension.
 * Tony: They're not here.
 * Time Child: Oh, what?

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 * Duck: Now I'll never know if Grolton made his appointment!
 * Red Guy: Obviously he will. He always does.
 * Duck: What do you mean?
 * Red Guy: Grolton always makes his appointment and no matter what happens, they start the next episode back at home.

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 * Car: Where's my special drink? For my condition?
 * Yellow Guy: Erm... I think someone might have drunk it all.
 * Car: Urgh... I need that!
 * Duck: Oh, let's just turn back.
 * Red Guy: No, look, we'll make you some more. How hard can it be? What's in it?
 * Car: It is forged far beneath the earth with the last remnants of the ancient ones.

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 * Yellow Guy: I changed my mind, I want to go home.
 * Red Guy: No!
 * Duck: I want to watch the end of Grolton and Hovris.
 * Red Guy: No! We're so close!
 * Duck: To what?
 * Red Guy:  WE CAN'T GO BACK!  I'm not going back to that house! There has to be something! Anything!

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 * Yellow Guy: Is this... where we live now? Where are the... neighbours? In the community?
 * Red Guy: Yeah they'll be here. Don't worry. Somebody will... somebody will turn up.

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 * Leslie: Journeys made and lessons learnt. You may feel like you're alone But no matter how much the wheels turn The journey always ends up back at home

Electricity

 * Duck: Okay, one across. The clue is opposite of down, two letters. Hm, that's a tricky one.
 * Red Guy: Opposite of down... hm... try above.
 * Duck: Above. A-B-OVE, no.
 * Yellow Guy: Hey, I know. It's when you can't remember that over the top of you, there's bigger ones, that are bigger and bigger. And then over the top of it, there's a smaller one on all of it at the top of that.

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 * Electracey: I'll be leaving then. I'll just go back in my box then, shall I? But I'm going to take all the lightbulbs and the CDs and electric whisk with me. Is that cool?
 * Red Guy: What the hell are you going to do with them?

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 * Electracey: Now tell me, could you make a phone call on a phone that was just made of out of rocks and soil?
 * Red Guy: No, probably not.
 * Electracey: Go on, try it!
 * Red Guy: Why?
 * Electracey: Try it!
 * Red Guy: Okay, fine.
 * Electracey: Try it!
 * Red Guy: All right! Uh, no. Yeah it doesn't work.
 * (Phone Rings)
 * Red Guy: Oh, no, actually it does. Hello?
 * Electracey: Oh, that's because my real phone is inside! You see?
 * Red Guy: Not really.
 * Duck: That's a weird thing to do.
 * Yellow Guy: Yeah, you're going to break your phone.

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 * Electracey: I am powered by my batteries!
 * Duck: Batteries, of course!
 * Yellow Guy: Oh yeah, just like me.
 * Duck: No stupid, you're not run by batteries. Isn't he stupid?
 * Red Guy: He sure is.
 * Yellow Guy: No, I am have batteries. See?
 * Red Guy: Oh god.
 * Duck: They reek.
 * Electracey: When was the last time you changed those, friend?
 * Yellow Guy: Changed them? Into what?
 * Electracey: No, you need to put fresh ones in every now and then to keep energy-
 * Duck: Yours look nice and new, let's swap.

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 * Big Red Guy: Oh, there you are.
 * Yellow Guy: I'm not sure we've met.
 * Big Duck: Ha, good one. We've been waiting for you.
 * Yellow Guy: Have you? You seem...
 * Big Duck: Big?
 * Big Red Guy: Yeah we're big boys.
 * Big Duck: Big Boys.
 * Big Red Guy: Big Boys. Try and keep up, mate.
 * Yellow Guy: No, I think I get it. You're quite big.
 * Big Duck: Yeah. And we're so big, we don't just sit around and learn about one subject at a time.
 * Big Red Guy: Yeah that's for dummies and wimps.
 * Yellow Guy: Really? Okay, great.
 * Big Red Guy: We do two at once.
 * Yellow Guy: Right, well...
 * Big Duck: What's wrong? I thought you were up for pushing the boundaries.
 * Yellow Guy: Yeah but two at once...

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 * Yellow Guy: Oh, why don't you experiment on each other?
 * Bigger Duck: So, would you be keen?
 * Bigger Red Guy: You're not to touch me.

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 * Leslie: Batteries can be replaced But some things must stay the same No matter how we twist and turn We're still dancing in chains. Are you just going to stand there?
 * Yellow Guy: Who are you?
 * Leslie: My name's Leslie. It's nice to meet you. You're one of my favourites.
 * Yellow Guy: You didn't build all this, did you?
 * Leslie: That's a good question.
 * Yellow Guy: What's the answer?
 * Leslie: (Laughs)
 * Yellow Guy: What's going on? Why are you laughing?
 * Leslie: Because it's so FUNNY. Gosh, you still can't see the funny side. I'll tell you what. You help me tidy things up around here and I'll help you. Mm?
 * Yellow Guy: You promise?
 * Leslie: Promise.

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 * ''(Yellow Guy accidentally breaks a Duck doll)
 * Yellow Guy: Oops. Oh, sorry.
 * Leslie: Don't worry. I always make sure that I have plenty of backups. There. Now everything is in it's proper place. (Leslie tries to turn on the lights. They flicker and turn off) Hm, I shall have to get that fixed. Now, you wanted this, didn't you?
 * (She hands Yellow Guy a book with strange symbols on the cover)
 * Yellow Guy: Did I?
 * Leslie: (Laughs) You are just too funny. Run along now. You've got plenty of reading to do.
 * Yellow Guy: Can't I stay here with you?
 * Leslie: Oh, no. YOU'RE NOT MY REAL SON. (chuckles) Only joking. You don't belong up here. And I'm sure you're going to want to show your friends, aren't you? Off you pop.

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 * Yellow Guy: Guys? What's- what's happening?
 * Duck: There you are, you greedy battery hog.
 * Red Guy: Yeah, get him.
 * Yellow Guy: Wait, there's something I need to show you!
 * Duck: Give... them...
 * Yellow Guy: No!
 * (Duck takes out Yellow Guy's batteries)
 * Yellow Guy: Aargh!
 * Electracey: And that's why we can't live without electricity! Whoop!
 * Duck: Well? What did you want to show us? What on earth are you holding?
 * Yellow Guy: Uh, I... it's, uh...
 * Duck: Yes?
 * Yellow Guy: Something... shreddible. Haha!
 * (Red Guy and Duck cheer as Yellow Guy shreds the book)