Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog is a 2008 musical tragicomedy produced for the Internet, telling the story of low-rent supervillain Dr. Horrible, his hero nemesis Captain Hammer, and his romantic interest Penny. It was written by Joss Whedon, Zack Whedon, Jed Whedon, and Maurissa Tancharoen.

Dr. Horrible

 * [opening monologue] Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… Ah-ha-ha-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahhhhh… So that’s, you know, coming along. I'm working with a vocal coach. Strengthening the... AH! A lot of guys ignore the laugh and that's about standards. I mean, if you're gonna get into the Evil League of Evil, you have to have a memorable laugh. What, do you think Bad Horse didn't work on his whinny? His terrible death-whinny? No response, BTW, from the League, yet. But my application is strong this year. A letter of condemnation from the deputy mayor--that's got to have some weight. So… fingers crossed! ...E-mails! [leafs through pieces of paper] 2Sly4U writes: "Hey Genius." Wow, sarcasm! That's original! [realizes he said that sarcastically] "Where are the gold bars you were supposed to pull out of that bank vault with your Transmatter Ray? Obviously, it failed or it would be in the papers." Well, no. They're not gonna say anything in the press, but behold! Transported from there... [holds up a ZipLock bag full of mud-colored liquid] ...to here! The molecules tend to shift during the transmatter, uh, event. But they were transported in bar form and they clearly were-- And by the way, it's not about making money, it's about taking money. Destroying the status quo because the status is not quo. The world is a mess and I just... need to rule it. I’m gonna... [puts the bag away] Smells like cumin. So, transmatter is seventy-five percent, and more importantly, the Freeze Ray is almost up. This is the one. Stops time. Freeze Ray. Tell your friends. [continues reading] We have... Oh! Here's one from our good friend Johnny Snow: "Doctor Horrible, I see you are once again afraid to do battle with your nemesis. I waited at Dooley Park for forty-five minutes--" Okay, dude. You're not my nemesis. My nemesis... is Captain Hammer. Captain Hammer, Corporate Tool. Dislocated my shoulder... again... last week. Look, I'm just trying to change the world, okay? I don't have time for a grudge match with every poseur in a parka. Besides there's kids in that park, so... Here's one from DeadNotSleeping: "Long time watcher, first time writing" blah, blah, blah, blah. "You always say in your blogs that you will 'show her the way, show her that you are a true villain'. Who is 'her' and does she even know that you’re a..." [sings "My Freeze Ray"]


 * [to himself after talking to Penny] She talked to me. Why'd she have to talk to me now?


 * All right! The wait is over. This, my friends, is my Freeze Ray, which, with the addition of the wonderflonium I obtained at my famously successful heist last week. I say successful in that I achieved my objective. It was less successful in that I inadvertently introduced my arch-nemesis to the girl of my dreams, and now he's taking her out on dates, and they're probably going to...French kiss or something...! She called him sweet? How is he sweet? [long pause] Right, Freeze Ray! So, after tonight I am in the Evil League of Evil if all goes according to plan, which it will, because I hold a PhD in horribleness. See you at the aftermath. Peace! But... not literally.


 * [clears throat awkwardly] Theee Freeze Ray needs work. I also need to be a little bit more careful about what I say on this blog. Apparently, the LAPD and Captain Hammer are among our viewers. They were waiting for me at the Mayor's dedication to the Superhero Memorial Bridge, the Freeze Ray takes a few seconds to warm up, and I wasn't... Captain Hammer threw a car at my head.


 * [after his freeze ray fails] Thaaat's not a good sound.

Captain Hammer

 * [Reading from palm cards] I hate the homeless-- [switches card] --ness problem that plagues this city. Everyone should have the basic... You know what, I don't need tiny cue cards. When I fell deeply in love with my serious, long-term girlfriend, Penny. Wave your hand, Penny. [Penny waves] There she is! Cute, huh? Sort of a quiet, nerdy thing. Not my usual, but nice. Anyway, she turned me on to this whole homeless... thing, which is terrible. And I realized, I'm not the only hero in the room tonight. I'm not the only one who's fighting. [sings "Everyone's A Hero"]


 * I don't have time for your warnings. You give my regards to Saint Peter. Or whoever has his job, but in Hell.


 * [after Dr. Horrible's death ray explodes] Oh, I'm in pain! I think this is what pain feels like! Oh, mama! Someone maternal! Get outta my way! I gotta get out! Why is this fire exit locked?!

Other

 * Moist: Do you need anything dampened, or... made soggy?


 * Mayor Hankins: Justice has a name, and the name it has... besides "justice"... is Captain Hammer!


 * Penny: [last words] It's okay... Captain Hammer will save us.

Dialogue

 * [Moist interrupts Dr. Horrible singing]
 * Moist: Hey Doc!
 * Dr. Horrible: Moist! My evil moisture buddy! What's going on?
 * Moist: Life of crime.... Got your mail.
 * Dr. Horrible: Hey, didn't you, uh, didn't you go on a date last night? Conflict Diamond told me that you were doubling with Bait and Switch.
 * Moist: Yeah...
 * Dr. Horrible: Yeah?
 * Moist: It was all right; I kinda thought I was supposed to end up with Bait, but-
 * Dr. Horrible: [wincing] I hear ya. I saw Penny today.
 * Moist: Did you talk to her?
 * Dr. Horrible: So close. I'm just a few weeks away from a real.... audible connection.


 * Dr. Horrible: I got a letter from Bad Horse.
 * Moist: That's so hard core. Bad Horse is legend. He rules the League with an iron hoof! are you sure you want to... [interrupted by bad horse singers]


 * [Penny interrupts Billy trying to steal a van with his remote control phone]
 * Billy: [jumps] What?
 * Penny: Um, I- I was wondering if, if I could just- Hey! I know you.
 * Billy: Hello. You know me, cool. I mean, yeah, you do. Do you?
 * Penny: From the laundromat.
 * Billy: Wednesdays and Saturdays, except twice last month you skipped the weekend... Or, if that was you, it could have been someone else. I mean, I've seen you. Billy... is my name.
 * Penny: I'm Penny. [reaches to shake Billy's hand, but he is too absorbed in his phone] What are you doing?
 * Billy: Um, texting. It's very important or I would stop. What are you doing?
 * Penny: Actually, I'm out here volunteering for the Caring Hands Homeless Shelter. Can you spare a minute?
 * Billy: Uh... [looks at the van and then back at Penny] Ok, go.
 * Penny: Okay, um, we're hoping to open a new location soon. Expand our efforts. There's this great building nearby that the city is just gonna demolish and turn into a parking lot. But if we get enough signatures-
 * Billy: Signatures?
 * Penny: Yeah.
 * Billy: I'm sorry. Go on.
 * Penny: I was saying, um, maybe we could get the city to donate the building to our cause. We would be able to provide two hundred-and-fifty new beds, get people off the streets and into job training [Billy looks over his shoulder at the van] so they could buy rocket packs, go to the Moon, become florists.... [Understands that Billy has been ignoring her] You're not really interested in the homeless, are you?
 * Billy: No, I am, but- It's a symptom. You're treating a symptom, and the disease rages on, consumes the human race. The fish rots from the head, as they say. So my thinking is, why not cut off the head?
 * Penny: Of the human race?
 * Billy: It's not a perfect metaphor, but I'm talking about an overhaul of the system. Putting the power in... different hands.
 * Penny: I'm all for that. This petition is about the building.
 * Billy: I'd love to sign.


 * [After Captain Hammer saves Penny]
 * Dr. Horrible: You idiot!
 * Captain Hammer: Dr. Horrible. I should've known you were behind this!
 * Dr. Horrible: You almost killed her!
 * Captain Hammer: I remember it differently.
 * Dr. Horrible: Is she-
 * [Captain Hammer grabs Dr. Horrible by the throat, choking him.]
 * Captain Hammer: It's curtains for you, Dr. Horrible. Lacy, gently wafting curtains.


 * Penny: It is so dumb that we've been coming here this long and never spoke.
 * Billy: I know. All those months of doing this stunningly boring chore.
 * Penny: I'm a fan of laundry.
 * Billy: Psyche! I love it.
 * Penny: The smell of fabric softener... The feel of warm clothing in your hands...
 * Billy: So good... Hey, this is weird. I ordered one frozen yogurt and they gave me two. You don't happen to like frozen yogurt, do you?
 * Penny: I love it!
 * Billy: You're kidding? What a crazy random happenstance! Here.
 * Penny: Thank you.
 * Billy: So, how was your weekend? Did you spend it hunting wild signatures?
 * Penny: Um, actually I went on a date.
 * Billy: Get right out of town! How was that?
 * Penny: Unexpected. He's a really good-looking guy, and I thought he was kind of cheesy at first-
 * Billy: [quietly] Trust your instincts.
 * Penny: But he turned out to be totally sweet. Sometimes people are layered like that. There's something totally different underneath than what's on the surface.
 * Billy: And sometimes there's a third... even deeper level... and that one is the same as the top surface one.
 * Penny: [confused] Huh?
 * Billy: Like with pie. So, you gonna see him again?
 * Penny: I think I will.
 * Billy: Oh....
 * [Pause]
 * Penny: Billy?
 * Billy: Yeah?
 * Penny: You're driving a spork into your leg.
 * Billy: So I am. Hilarious!


 * [After receiving Bad Horse's message to murder someone]
 * Moist: Kill someone?
 * Dr. Horrible: Would you do it? To get into the Evil League of Evil?
 * Moist: Look at me, man. I'm Moist. At my most bad-ass, I make people feel like they want to take a shower. I'm not Evil League material.
 * Dr. Horrible: Killing isn't elegant or creative, it's not my style.
 * Moist: You've got more than enough evil hours to get into the Henchmen's Union.
 * Dr. Horrible: [scoffs] I'm not a henchman. I'm Doctor Horrible. I've got a PhD in horribleness.
 * Moist: Is that the new catchphrase?
 * Dr. Horrible: I deserve to get in, you know I do. But killing?
 * Moist: Hourglass says she knows a kid in Iowa who grows up to become President. That would be...big.
 * Dr. Horrible: I'm not gonna kill a little kid.
 * Moist: Smother an old lady?
 * Dr. Horrible: Do I even know you?


 * Billy: I just, you know, I really think I'm qualified for this- this job, but I can't get a foot in the door.
 * Penny: I'm sure you will.
 * Billy: I wanna do great things, you know? I want to be an achiever, like Bad Horse.
 * Penny: The Thoroughbred of Sin?
 * Billy: ... I meant Gandhi.
 * Penny: I've gotten turned down for plenty of jobs. Even fired a few times.
 * Billy: I can't imagine anybody firing you.
 * Penny: Neither could I. Now, I can visualize it really well. But you know, everything happens--
 * Billy: Don't say "for a reason".
 * Penny: No! No, I'm just saying "everything happens".
 * Billy: Not to me.
 * [Penny sings "Penny's Song"]


 * [after almost kissing Billy]
 * Penny: It's like what Captain Hammer is always saying.
 * Billy: [smirks] Right, him. How are things with cheesy on the outside?
 * Penny: Good... they're good. I'll be interested to know what you think of him. He said he might stop by.
 * Billy: Stop by here?
 * Penny: Yeah.
 * Billy: [checks wrist for watch, but he is not wearing one] Oh, goodness, look at my wrist. I gotta go.
 * Penny: But what about your clothes?


 * Billy: [checks contents of washer] I don't love these. See ya!
 * [Billy walks right into Captain Hammer]
 * Captain Hammer: Oh, pardon.
 * Penny: Billy, this is Captain Hammer.
 * Captain Hammer: Oh, Billy! The laundry buddy. Well, it is very nice to meet you.
 * Billy: We're meeting now for the first time.
 * Captain Hammer: You look horribly familiar.
 * Billy: One of those faces, I guess.
 * Captain Hammer: Have I seen you at the gym?
 * Billy: [smiles] At the gym!
 * Captain Hammer: [to himself] I don't go to the gym, I'm just naturally like this. Oh, well. Who wants to know what the mayor is doing behind closed doors? He is signing a certain building over to the Caring Hands groups as a new homeless shelter.
 * Penny: Oh my god!
 * Captain Hammer: Yep. Apparently the only signature he needed was my fist. But with a pen in it, that I was signing with.
 * Penny: I can't believe it.
 * Billy: [sincerely] Congratulations.
 * Penny: Thank you. Thank you! [kisses Captain Hammer and retreats to the washer]
 * Billy: Well, this was great. Wish I could stay and chit-chat.
 * Captain Hammer: [places his arm around Billy] Well, it sure was nice to meet you... Doctor. [Billy winces] You've got a little crush, don't you, Doc? Well, that's gonna make this hard to hear. See, later I'm gonna take little Penny back to my place. Show her the command center, Hammercycle, maybe even the Hamjet. You think she likes me now? I'm going to give Penny the night of her life, just because you want her. And I get what you want. You see, little Penny's giving it up, she's giving it up hard. 'Cause she's with Captain Hammer. [holds up his fists] And these are not the hammer. [walks away from Billy, but then returns] The hammer is my penis.

Cast

 * Neil Patrick Harris - Dr. Horrible / Billy
 * Nathan Fillion - Captain Hammer
 * Felicia Day - Penny
 * Simon Helberg - Moist