Drake & Josh/Season 1


 * Seasons: 1 2 3 4 | Main | Film: Merry Christmas, Drake & Josh

Drake & Josh is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

Pilot

 * [first opening comments, introducing Drake Parker and Josh Nichols]
 * Drake: [first lines] My name's Drake Parker.
 * Josh: I'm Josh Nichols.
 * Drake: I should probably be doing my homework.
 * Josh: I'm just doing a little homework here.
 * Drake: But it's more fun to do this. [plays his guitar]
 * Drake and Josh: Man, I'm thirsty. [both take their drinks each]
 * Drake: I live here with my mom and my little sister, Megan.
 * Josh: I've got a great family, even though it's just me and my dad. I love that guy.
 * Drake: I love girls. [drinks] So my mom's been dating this guy.
 * Josh: So my dad's been dating this woman. She's really great.
 * Drake: He's okay, but he's got this kid that goes to my school.
 * Josh: She has a son that goes to my school. Drake.
 * Drake: Josh. It's not that I have anything against Josh.
 * Josh: I really don't know Drake all that well.
 * Drake and Josh: But he seems kinda…
 * Josh:...Okay.
 * Drake:...Unusual.


 * [Drake shudders as he sees Audrey and Walter making out and he blows a whistle, making them scream]
 * Audrey: Drake!
 * Drake: Hey, mom. Mr. Nichols.
 * [Josh bursts into the living room while brandishing a mop]
 * Josh: What happened?! I heard screaming!
 * Walter: It's alright, son, there's nothing to mop here.
 * Drake: Josh, wh-what are you doing here, what's he doing here?
 * Josh: Tell him.
 * Audrey: Wait, uh, Drake, quick, get your sister.
 * Drake: [yelling] Megan!
 * Megan: [referring to her parents; disgusted] Ugh, are they done sucking face yet?
 * Audrey: Kids, Josh's dad and I have been going out for a long time now, and we have some news!
 * Drake: You got me a dirt bike?
 * Audrey: No. [she and Walter exchange looks]
 * Audrey and Walter: WE'RE GETTING MARRIED! [Drake acts like he is having a heart attack in disbelief and shock]
 * Drake: You're getting ma-ma-ma...?
 * Walter: Yeah, we're gonna be one big old, happy family!
 * Drake: Wait, wait, you mean, he's going to be my- my stepfather? [Walter chuckles and nods as Drake points at Josh] And you! [Josh nods, smiling] You're gonna be my-? H-He's gonna be my...?
 * Josh: Hug me, brotha'! [he hugs Drake, lifting him a bit while Drake screams in dismay]


 * [the door knocks]
 * Tiffany: Who's that?
 * Josh: I don't know. [door knocks louder] Alright, alright, I'm coming. [he walks over to open the door and Buck barges the door open on Josh]
 * Tiffany: Buck!
 * Buck: [he grabs Josh by his shirt] So, it's true!
 * Josh: What? That I have a concussion?
 * Buck: I turn my back for 5 minutes, and you're on a date with... with this clown?!
 * Josh: [dramatically] Trouble, breathing!
 * Tiffany: Look, I can date whoever I want.
 * Buck: Yeah? Well, you can't date a guy with no HEAD! [Josh cries] You're hamburger meat. You understand me?
 * Josh: [crying] But I'm a vegetarian!
 * Buck: Monday, 3:00, you and me. Have an ambulance ready. [shoves Josh against the wall, then leaves]
 * Tiffany: That was so romantic!
 * Drake: [comes out of the kitchen] And dessert is here. Josh, I thought you had to pee.
 * Josh: [looks down at his pants] Done.


 * Josh: May I…?
 * Drake: Hug me, brotha! [hugs]

Dune Buggy

 * Drake: Fun crusher!
 * Josh: Juice germer!


 * [Drake and Trevor are both sitting inside the dune buggy]
 * Drake: [Trevor sits on top of him] Trevor?
 * Trevor: Yeah?
 * Drake: Maybe you'd wanna sit in the passenger seat.
 * Trevor: I dunno, you got a comfy lap.
 * Drake: Move!
 * Trevor: [gets off Drake] Hey, the motor sounds great.
 * Drake: Yeah, You know where it sounds even better?
 * Trevor: In the shower.
 * Drake: On the road!
 * Trevor: Better!
 * Drake: Ok, but you can't tell Josh and my parents we took it out cause they'll freak.
 * Trevor: I won't say a word. Now, let's hit it.
 * [they drive out of the garage and scream]
 * Drake: Squirrel! Tree! [crashes and ends up getting injured offscreen]


 * Josh: You, uh, wanted to chat?
 * Drake: Why did you make him attack me?
 * Josh: 'Cause it's about time you stopped getting away with everything!
 * Drake: What's that supposed to-
 * Josh: [angrily] You threw the pillows! You talked me into lying about the TV! You got me grounded! And you took our dune buggy out when you weren't supposed to, AND YOU WRECKED IT!!!!
 * Drake: What-what-what're you talking about?
 * Josh: I got a call from the emergency room! You left your wallet there.
 * Drake: [looks awkwardly] Oh.
 * Josh: Yeah. And I saw the buggy.
 * Drake: Do mom and dad know?
 * Josh: They're gonna!
 * Drake: Don't you do that to me.
 * Josh: Fine! You tell them.
 * Drake: Are you crazy?
 * Josh: No, I'm honest.
 * Drake: What?
 * Josh: I'm grounded for 2 weeks.
 * Drake: Josh, you know what-?
 * Josh: We spent like 100 hours on that dune buggy trying to fix it up, and you ruined it. And you're hurt! But all you can think about is, getting away with it. [mockingly] "Ooh, I'm Drake! I'm so cool, I get away with everything!" Fine. I'll just stay grounded and I'll fix the dune buggy, again, and you just keep worrying about yourself. [beat] It's what you're best at.
 * Drake: Oh, yeah?! Well, you're not so-! Ow.


 * [racked with guilt, Drake confesses to Walter and Audrey, and they ground Drake for 2 weeks, much to Josh's delight]
 * Josh: Pizza's here.
 * Drake: Thanks. [he takes it and opens it up while Josh smiles] What are you smiling about?
 * Josh: The great Drake, grounded for two weeks. I love it!
 * Drake: Yeah, me, too.
 * Josh: Heh?
 * Drake: 2 weeks, laying in bed, no school, playing a little guitar, watching a little TV, you bringing me pizzas. Yeah, being grounded is ba-a-ad.
 * Josh: I- I don't understand-!
 * Drake: Hold that thought. [through his walkie-talkie] Hey, Dad, could you bring me a root beer, a couple magazines, and, in about 20 minutes maybe some ice cream?
 * Walter: [through his walkie-talkie] Yeah. I'll get Josh right on it. Jo-osh!
 * Josh: [realizes Drake can still get lucky even when grounded] Aw, come on!

Believe Me, Brother

 * Josh: I'm sure it was unintentional.
 * Susan: Josh, it's not unintentional at all.
 * Josh: I knew it! [Susan grabs his face and kisses him; Drake walks in the house]
 * Drake: Susan?
 * Susan: Ew! Josh, what are you trying to do? I'm Drake's girlfriend! Oh, Drake, you're here.
 * Josh: Drake, it's not what you think. Just 1 second. [turns around] Oh, dear Lord, thank you so much for my very first kiss! Amen! Drake, I swear. It's not what you think.


 * [after Susan dumps both of them]
 * Josh: I think we handled that very maturely.
 * Drake: Yes, that felt good.
 * [Susan gets shot with a paint cannon on her from her locker]
 * Susan: Ugh!
 * Drake: That felt better.
 * Josh: Yeah, it did.

Two Idiots and a Baby

 * [Josh is sanding his Catapult while Drake is trying to work on a song]
 * Drake: Josh! I'm working on a song here. Do you have to make all that noise? [he unplugs the Sander] Dude, I can't concentrate.
 * Josh: [shouting] I can't hear you! I'm wearing earplugs!
 * Drake: Oh. [Drake rips the earplugs from Josh's ears, and Josh screams in pain] Dude, can't you build your mechanic dork machine somewhere else?
 * Josh: It's not a dork machine. It's a one of a kind scaled working replica of a Medieval Catapult.
 * Drake: So?
 * Josh: So, when I'm done, this baby's gonna be able to fling stuff over 50 feet through the air. [he launches the Catapult]
 * Drake: Impressive. Oh, hey, hey. Why don't you climb in and fling yourself out of my room?
 * Josh: This is my room.
 * Drake: It was my room first.
 * Josh: Alright, let's compromise. We could- [Drake strums his guitar a first time] I was going to say- [Drake strums a second time] But I just wanted- [Drake strums a third time] Headaches!


 * [Drake comes home from his concert and finds Josh hanging from the gutter]
 * Drake: So, just hanging there?
 * Josh: Drake, you came back.
 * Drake: Uh, yeah, my gig got cancelled. Can you tell me what you're doing up there?
 * Josh: It's a long, sad story. Could you put the ladder back up?
 * Drake: Okay. [starts to get the ladder] Hey, where's the baby?
 * Josh: Um, possibly... on the roof.
 * Drake: You put the baby on the roof?!
 * Josh: No. It's conceivable though that he was flung there, via catapult. Oh, Drake, I ruined everything. The baby's missing, the house is destroyed, and my dad's gonna get fired.
 * Drake: Hey, where's Megan?
 * Josh: I don't know. I haven't-I haven't seen her since the baby disappeared.
 * Drake: Uh-huh. I think I might know where the baby is. [leaves to go get help from Megan]
 * Josh: Okay, I'm coming down. [the ladder falls down again] Aw, come on!
 * [Drake comes into the garage and finds Megan looking through a storage box of toys]
 * Drake: Alright. Where is he?
 * Megan: I think he's dangling from the gutter.
 * Drake: Not Josh. The baby.
 * Megan: What makes you think that I would have the baby?
 * Drake: Because you're a devious, twisted little girl.
 * Megan: [laughs] Why thank you, Drake.
 * Drake: [picks Megan up by her shirt] Where is the baby?

First Crush

 * Drake and Josh: And the most important thing is to be yourself.
 * Drake: ...Unless you're Josh.


 * Drake: Do you want to be honest, or do you want a girlfriend?
 * Josh: Girlfriend, please.

Grammy

 * Scotty: Can you believe it? We made it backstage.
 * Rina: This is not backstage!
 * Paul: This is practically jail.
 * Drake: Those guys are cops.
 * Rina: Yes. Scary cops who are going to arrest us for having fake tickets, Scotty.
 * Scotty: Guys, the tickets are not fake.
 * Drake: Are you sure?
 * Scotty: I photocopied them myself. [everyone looks upset] What?
 * Drake: You can't photocopy tickets.
 * Scotty: Yes, you can! You just put them on the glass, close the liddy thingy and press copy. Any moron could do it.
 * Drake: No, not just any moron. It takes a special moron, like you!


 * Josh: Why are you so mean to Drake?
 * Grammy: Because I know his type. I dated 12 musicians like him before I dated your gramps.
 * Josh: I don't think I want to know about you dating a dozen musical men.
 * Grammy: Then I won't tell you what happened last Saturday night.
 * Josh: [jokingly] Uh-oh, am I going to see you on a commercial for "Grammys Gone Wild?"