Drake & Josh/Season 3


 * Seasons: 1 2 3 4 | Main | Film: Merry Christmas, Drake & Josh

Drake & Josh is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

The Drake & Josh Inn

 * [Drake and Josh hop up from behind the couch and sit on either side of Megan, smiling smugly.]
 * Megan: What?
 * Drake: [singing] We're gonna be the boss of you
 * Josh: [singing] And you have to do-oo what we say
 * Drake: [singing] Ha ha!
 * Josh: [singing] Ha-ha ha haa!
 * Megan: Okay, you, can't sing. You're a moron. And what are you talking about anyway?
 * Drake: We're talking about the fact that Mom and Dad are gonna be out of town all weekend.
 * Josh: Which means we are in charge of the house.
 * Drake: The refrigerator.
 * Josh: The TV set.
 * Drake: And, the you.
 * Megan: Oh, you guys think you're going to be in charge?
 * Josh: Yeah, we are.
 * Drake: In fact, I've decided to change the channel. [changes the channel on TV]
 * Megan: I was watching something.
 * Josh: Um. Were.
 * Drake: Yeah, good one. [he and Josh fist pump]
 * Megan: [stands up] GIVE ME THE REMOTE.
 * Drake: [stands up] I don't think so, Megan. In fact, why don't you just run up to your- [Megan flips him]
 * Josh: [stands up] What the? Megan, you can't just flip someone- [Megan flips him and sits on the couch with the remote]


 * Josh: We have a strict no-pet policy! [dog barks] Expect for you.


 * Megan: I want these people out of here!
 * Drake: So do we!


 * [Josh turns off the radio and honks at everyone]
 * Nikki: Hey, what's going on?
 * College Guy: Turn the music back up!
 * Drake: Everyone, quiet, please!
 * Josh: Okay, we have an emergency!
 * Drake: Ah, yes, it seems we have a serious gas leak here in the Drake and Josh Inn!
 * College Guy: Oh, uh, sorry, I think that was me.
 * Josh: No! Alright, there is a serious leak of hydro... mono... monoxipuff gas!
 * Drake: Uh, yeah, it makes your eyes bleed!
 * Josh: So if everyone will please leave the building immediately-
 * Helen: I don't believe 'em!
 * Nikki: Yeah! Come on, let's party!
 * [everyone starts dancing again]
 * Drake: [to Megan, through a walkie talkie] Now!
 * Megan: [in Drake and Josh's room] Copy! [turns on a gas machine linked to the vent in Drake and Josh's room as green gas begins emanating from the vent in the living room to kick out all of the spring breakers]
 * Josh: Oh, no! Look! [points to the vent]
 * Drake: It's the monoxipuff gas!
 * [everyone starts screaming and leaves the house]
 * Josh: Now, lock it! Now, hug me, brother! [he and Drake hug themselves after everyone leaves the house]


 * [cops arrive after hearing about how the Nicholas-Parkers' house was having a party with college kids on TV]
 * Walter: Yes, officers, can we help you?
 * Cop: Yes. Sir, you know it's against the law to host a televised event from a private residence without a city authorized permit.
 * Walter: Heh?
 * Audrey: We didn't host a televised event.
 * Cop: Yeah, we have evidence that says you did.
 * Walter: But, officers-
 * Cop: Come with me please. [they grab Walter and Audrey]
 * Audrey: No, what're you-?
 * Walter: But, you see, look- I'm a weatherman. [cop shuts the door]
 * Josh: Okay, we're ready!
 * Megan: Hello? [finds out that Audrey and Walter left as the episode ends]

Peruvian Puff Pepper

 * Audrey: Oh, my KITCHEN!


 * [Drake and Josh dress up as burglars and are sneaking inside Megan's room]
 * Josh: Okay, now, look around, find some evidence that proves that she's a demon and then let's get out of here!
 * Drake: Yeah, this place gives me the skives.
 * Josh: [looks under the Megan's bed] Do you see anything?
 * Drake: No, look under the bed.
 * Josh: Okay. Find anything over there?
 * Drake: Wait, Josh, Josh come here! [picks up Megan's picture]
 * Josh: What?
 * Drake: Check out this family picture!
 * Josh: What about it?
 * Drake: I look good!
 * Josh: Will you please stay focused!? [takes Megan's picture away from him] See anything yet? Check in the closet. [Drake opens and checks Megan's closet] See anything in there?
 * Drake: Man, there's nothing in here. It just looks like a normal girl's room.
 * Josh: [hears electrical sound] Oh, you think? [takes unicorn poster off wall to find a spy monitor behind it] Holy cheese! Look at all that equipment!
 * Drake: So this is how she always knows what we're doing! What do you think this button does? [presses button and it shocks Josh's butt]
 * Josh: So that's why that's been happening! I thought it was puberty.
 * Drake: Come on, let's just get this back up. [puts the unicorn poster back on the wall]
 * Josh: What do we do now?
 * Drake: When mom and dad come home, we'll show them this stuff then they'll see how Megan really is.
 * Josh: Yeah, yeah. Cause now, we got evidence baby. Come on, let's get out of here. [he and Drake leave Megan's room, but Drake stops by to stare at Megan's picture some more which causes Josh to come back] PUT IT DOWN! [Drake puts Megan's picture down and Josh points to the door so that way he could make Drake leave Megan's room]


 * Josh: [about the Peruvian Puff Pepper] Okay, so how do we buy some?
 * Drake: Can't. Says here they're only available in South Ah-mer-eeka. [Josh stares at him]
 * Drake: What?
 * Josh: SOUTH AMERICA!
 * Drake: Oh!


 * [Drake and Josh are both disqualified when they reveal their secret, as Peruvian Puff Peppers are illegal in the United States, leaving Megan as the winner]
 * Megan: [satisfied] What, you think I purposely got the Peruvian Puff Peppers knowing you'd steal them from me and use them in your own salsa? Just so I could point it out to the judges get you disqualified? And then walk away with the yatsubishi plasma screen TV for myself? Come on. I'm not that smart. [walks away while Drake and Josh look very disappointed]

We're Married

 * [Opening comments: Josh emailed his e-pal from a foreign country while Drake got so thirsty and pranked called Josh]
 * Josh: [looks up from a book] Have you ever been really good friends with someone you never even met before?
 * Drake: [looks up from a magazine] Have you ever been really thirsty, just didn't feel like getting up?
 * Josh: See, for over a year now, I've been e-mailing this girl from a foreign country. [telephone starts ringing] 1 sec. [picks up phone] Hello?
 * Drake: [on the phone in a bad accent] Yeah, this is Lieutenant Peterson with the San Diego Police Department.
 * Josh: [skeptical and aware it's actually Drake] Oh is it?
 * Drake: [still using the bad accent] Yeah, you're gonna need to get a can of soda upstairs to your brother, a code 3.
 * Josh: [getting annoyed with Drake] Code this! [blows whistle into the phone receiver loudly as he and Drake hangs the phone up] Anyway, back to my e-pal, Yooka. It's kinda weird to be friends with someone you've never met or even talked to on the phone, but I— [telephone rings again and gets angry revealing that it's Walter on the phone thinking it's Drake] If you call me one more time, I will take an entire bottle of maple syrup and pour it all over your underwear drawer, so for the next 90 days you could walk around with sticky butt!
 * Walter: [confused] Josh, it's your father.
 * Josh: Nice try, you big doof! [hangs up the phone] Man! If he's so thirsty, why can't he go downstairs, go in the kitchen and get himself— [looks and sees Drake sitting on the couch with a soda and realizes his mistake] Oh, jeez.


 * Audrey: Ok, Drake. I just want you to calmly explain to me [yelling] WHY YOU ARE MARRIED TO THAT EUDONAIN GIRL!
 * Drake: Well, you see Josh arranged this-this whole friendship ceremony, but-but it turned to be a marriage ceremony.
 * Audrey: Josh! You did this?
 * Josh: What!? Drake's the one that said: [whining] "EE-NAY KURESAI M'JOONGA OON-TA-YAH" WHEN THE SUN WAS IN THE HOUSE OF KARFLOG!!
 * Audurey: [confused] What?
 * Walter: Alright. We'll just call the Eudonain embassy and we'll have them annll the marriage.
 * Josh: I tried. You can't get the marriage annlled unless both the husband and wife agree. Don't worry, alright. I'm working on a plan.
 * Drake: Oprah is never calling you back!
 * Josh: No. [opens the fridge and gets a container out of there and places it on the table] Mom, dad, just go out there and keep Yooka's parents busy for a while. [Audrey and Walter stare at him] Just trust me.
 * Walter: Alright, come on. [he and Audrey walk away]

Mindy's Back

 * Mindy: Oh, Josh. Don't you ever learn that I can outsmart you anytime I want?
 * Josh: Oh, yeah?
 * Mindy: Yeah. Say fort.
 * Josh: Fort.
 * Mindy: Say fort 3 times.
 * Josh: Fort, fort, fort.
 * Mindy: Spell it twice.
 * Josh: F-O-R-T, F-O-R-T.
 * Mindy: Say it 2 more times.
 * Josh: Fort, fort.
 * Mindy: Now, what do you eat soup with?
 * Josh: With a fork! Ha!
 * Mindy: Really? Because I eat my soup with a spoon.
 * Drake: Yeah, cause if you eat soup with a fork, all the liquid would just fall down from the-
 * Josh: [screaming] I KNOW!


 * Mindy: Maybe I just like you!
 * Josh: Maybe I just like you, too!
 * Mindy: Oh, really?!
 * Josh: Yeah. Maybe I've liked you for a really long time, but I didn't realize it 'cause I hated you so much!
 * Mindy: Are you saying you like me or not?
 * Josh: Are you saying you like me or not?!
 * Mindy: I'm saying I like you!
 * Josh: Well, I'm sayin' I like you!
 * Mindy: Fine!
 * Josh: Fine!
 * Mindy: Then I guess we're boyfriend and girlfriend!
 * Josh: 1 condition!
 * Mindy: What?
 * Josh: I get to be the boyfriend!


 * Josh: Hey, Mindy.
 * Mindy: Hi. Um, what are you doing at my window?

The Affair

 * Walter: I went to get some milk.
 * Josh: Ok. Where is it?
 * Walter: Hmm?
 * Josh: The milk, where is it?
 * Walter: I drank it on the way home.
 * Josh: Ok. Why are you wearing a suit?


 * Josh: Drake, wake up! Drake, Drake! I have to talk to you! Drake, wake up! [climbs into Drake's bed and jumps on him] DRAKE, WAKE UP! I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU! Hi.
 * Drake: I'm calling the police.
 * Josh: Look, Drake, alright, you were right.
 * Drake: Great. Can you hand me that bullhorn?
 * Josh: Sure. [gives Drake a bullhorn]
 * Drake: Thanks. [turns the bullhorn on, yells in it] GET OFF OF ME! [Josh gets off] Now, what was I right about?
 * Josh: About dad, alright? I think he is dating another woman.
 * Drake: What happened?
 * Josh: Well, I caught him sneaking in. He was wearing a suit. When I asked him where he'd been, he says: [imitates Walter] "I was out buyin' milk, but I drank it all on the way home!"
 * Drake: Oh, that's bad!
 * Josh: I know!
 * Drake: I really needed some milk.
 * Josh: [slaps Drake with a pillow] THIS - IS NOT - ABOUT - YOUR DAIRY - NEEDS!!! I can't believe that dad's cheating on mom.
 * Drake: Okay, we don't-we don't know for sure.
 * Josh: Yeah, well, I gotta know.
 * Drake: Okay, tell you what, tomorrow we'll-we'll skip school and follow dad around what he's up to.
 * Josh: Excuse me? [picks up his trophy] Perfect attendance since nursery school.
 * Drake: Ah, the golden dork award.
 * Josh: I'm not ditchin' school.
 * Drake: Well, so you'll bring in a doctor's note and it won't count as an absence.
 * Josh: Where am I gonna to get a doctor's note?
 * Drake: Uh, you want small pox or hemorrhoids?


 * [Walter chokes from cumin from his waffle that Drake put on]
 * Josh: A-Are you okay?
 * Drake: What's the matter?
 * Walter: [choking and suffering] Cu-cu-cumin!
 * Josh: Cumin!? Cumin!? [angrily takes Drake out of the kitchen while Walter chokes] YOU PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLE?!
 * Drake: You told me to put cumin in his waffle!
 * Josh: I said cinnamon. CINNAMON!
 * Drake: What's the difference?
 * Josh: Everything! Alright? Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice. You were flavoring a waffle, not a CHIMICHANGA!
 * Drake: Oh, so I made a little mistake.
 * Josh: A HUGE mistake. Alright, Dad's allergic to cumin and he's probably in there dying right now. [pause] DAD! [they run back into the kitchen] Dad! Dad, what do I do!?
 * Walter: [choking and suffering] Inhaler!
 * Drake: He said inhaler!
 * Josh: [mumbles] Help me find it! [he and Drake find the inhaler in the drawer] Here! Here! Dad! [puts the inhaler in Walter's mouth] Drake, what do I do? [Drake hits Walter's chest] Are you okay? Is that better?
 * Walter: Yeah. Yeah, I think so.
 * [Audrey angrily comes in and has a fight with Walter about finding loose hair in their shower]
 * Audrey: [angrily] Walter, I am not happy!
 * Walter: Why, because your demon waffles didn't kill me?!
 * Audrey: What?
 * Josh: Your hair looks pretty.
 * Walter: You know, I'm allergic to Cumin.
 * Audrey: So? What does that have to do with anything?
 * Drake: Do you think my thumbs are the same size?
 * Josh: One looks thicker.
 * Audrey: If you want to know why I'm not happy, it's because when I got in the shower this morning, I found one of these again. [shows Walter the hairball]
 * Walter: So I left a little hair in the drain.
 * Josh: How 'bout those red sox? They're good, right?
 * Audrey: When I take my morning shower, I do not enjoy stepping on a hamster!
 * Drake: Hey, anyone want a tangelo?
 * Josh: Mmm. / Tangerine, / Hello.
 * Drake: [British accent] 'ello.
 * Walter: You know what? I'm going to work.
 * Audrey: Fine. Why don't you take this with you? I think it might be "take your hairball to work" day!
 * Walter: [angrily] See ya!
 * Audrey: [angrily] Later!
 * [after Audrey and Walter angrily leave, Drake picks up Walter's waffle he dropped on the floor and takes a bite]
 * Drake: I like it.
 * [Josh grab's Walter's waffle off of Drake's hand and throws it to the plant]


 * [Drake and Josh both sneak into Peggy's business to leave their father alone]
 * Drake: What's up?
 * Josh: Hi.
 * Peggy: Hello? Did I order 2 teenagers?
 * Drake: No, actually uh, Walter is our dad.
 * Peggy: Oh, oh, this is awkward. Um, see I-I really don't think Walter wants you to know what's going on just yet.
 * Josh: Yeah, well, we do know what's going on, we're not to happy about it.
 * Peggy: Really? Wow, I thought 2 teenager boys would find it exciting.
 * Drake: Well, we don't so maybe you wouldn't mind you know backing off.
 * Peggy: [chuckles] I don't think so.
 * Josh: Why not?
 * Peggy: Because I want your dad.
 * Drake: Yeah, we know that but-
 * Peggy: Granted, I was considering a few other men and 1 woman but there's something about your father that feels right.
 * Josh: Well, how nice for you.
 * Drake: You know, he's married.
 * Peggy: I know. I think this can be great for your mother, too. Look, when I see someone I want, I go after him.
 * Josh: Yeah? When we see someone we don't like, we do this. [dumps pasta on Peggy's head]
 * Drake: And sometimes, we even do this. [shoves a cake in Peggy's face, as Walter returns]
 * Walter: Drake! Josh! What have you done?
 * Peggy: Walter.... If this is how you raise your children to behave, then I have no interest in pursuing you any further!
 * Drake and Josh: Yes!
 * Walter: Wait, please-
 * Peggy: Goodbye, Walter. [spits at him and storms away; Drake and Josh are trumphant as Walter glares at them]
 * Josh: We know you're mad.
 * Drake: But we had to do it.
 * Josh: Alright, we couldn't let that skunk-bag steal you away from mom.
 * Drake: Yeah, and ruin our whole family!
 * Josh: But don't worry.
 * Drake: We won't tell mom about this whole "episode".
 * Josh: We got your back! [they pat him]
 * Walter: You think, I was dating that woman?
 * Josh: Well, uh...
 * Drake: Yeah.
 * Walter: Boys, that "skunk-bag" just happens to be the senior producer of Good Morning Today, and she was talking to me about being the weatherman, on the #1 [angrily] NATIONAL MORNING SHOW IN AMERICA!!!
 * Josh: Well, that's different.
 * Drake: Yeah, we're gonna go.
 * Josh: Bye. [try to leave, but Walter stops them]
 * Walter: No, you're not! You're gonna do something else.
 * Josh: Right.
 * Drake: No problem.
 * Josh: Now?
 * Walter: Uh-huh.
 * [for costing Walter his job, Drake and Josh are forced to dump food all over themselves as the episode ends]

Playing the Field

 * [Josh pretends to be Tori while Drake plays as himself]
 * Drake: Alright. Uh, Tori.
 * Josh: [in a very girly voice] What is it, Drake?
 * Drake: Okay, I can't do this if he's gonna talk like that.
 * Josh: I'm being a girl.
 * Drake: What girl has a mustache other than your grandmother?
 * Josh: [angrily] THAT TEARS IT!
 * Mindy: [stops the fight] Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Alright, just do this.
 * Drake: Tori?
 * [Josh hums as Tori]
 * Mindy: Now take her hands.
 * Drake: Now, I-I really like you I- [Josh hums again] But-but I think we have to break up! [Josh begins to cry] See! I can't handle it!
 * Mindy: Just keep going you can handle it.
 * Drake: Look I-I just think I should date other people and you should too!
 * Josh: [in a very girly voice] Well, I guess I understand.
 * Drake: Uh, just one more thing.
 * Josh: [whining] Yes?
 * Drake: SHAVE OFF THE MUSTACHE!
 * Josh: [angrily] OUT! [he makes Drake leave]


 * Drake: Josh, is Tori here?
 * Josh: Um, uh, yeah. She's over there with another good-looking guy.
 * Drake: Oh good, cause I have a hot date coming here [stares at Josh's half shaved mustache] What happened to the other half of your mustache?
 * Josh: I woke up this morning and it was just gone.
 * Drake: Well, then why don't you shave off the other half?
 * Josh: No! Alright, that's just want Mindy wants me to do.
 * Drake: Dude, if you shave it off, she will kiss you!
 * Josh: Well, there are more important things in life than kissing girls.
 * Drake: Name two.
 * Josh: I can't!
 * Drake: You have to keep your dumb mustache. Come here!
 * Josh: What are you doing?
 * Drake: Restashing you! [draws a mustache on Josh's face]
 * Josh: Do I look good?
 * Drake: Here comes Liza!
 * Josh: Hot Liza?
 * Drake: The hottest. You think she'll make Tori jealous?
 * [Josh mumbles]
 * Liza: Hey Drake!
 * Drake: Hey Liza! You know my brother Josh.
 * Liza: What's up with his-?
 * Drake: Come with me! [he and Liza leave]

Helen's Surgery

 * Drake: [while wandering around the room] Man, Helen, you got a groove machine? And a hot tub? Man, this place must've cost you like, a billion dollars.
 * Josh: Yeah, how do you afford all this?
 * Helen: Is that some of your business?
 * Drake: How do you afford it?
 * Helen: Well, I'll tell you, Drake. I still get money from Happy Times.
 * Josh: Happy Times, wasn't that like a TV show back in the 70s?
 * Helen: That's the one.
 * Drake: Whoa, you played the little sister on Happy Times?
 * Helen: Yes, I was little Georgia.
 * Drake: Awesome.
 * Josh: So cool.
 * Helen: Well you know, I don't like to brag about it you know. You want to watch an episode? (They both say yes) The tapes on top of the VCR and Josh you help me get to the sofa.
 * Josh: Alright.
 * [Drake turns on the TV while Josh and Helen sit on the sofa]
 * Helen: Just put it on auxiliary 1 and press play.
 * Josh: Auxiliary 1 and play.
 * [a clip from Happy Times play when Helen appears on the show as Georgia]
 * Mark: Hey Georgia! Come throw the football with me!
 * Georgia: You throw that football in this house, mama's gonna beat you like a cheap drum.
 * Helen: [voiceover] That's me!
 * Mark: Here catch! [throws the football and break the flower vase]
 * Georgia's Mom: Mark, you go to your room right now!
 * Mark: Yes ma'am! [leaves and gets grounded by their mom]
 * Georgia's Mom: And Georgia, you get some paper towels and help me clean this mess up.
 * Georgia: That is not my job!
 * Drake: That is not my job!
 * Helen: Yeah, that was catchphrase!
 * Josh: That is not my job!
 * Helen: You don't do it right!


 * Josh: Don't worry, Helen, JOSHY'S COMING!!! [falls in the hot tub, surfaces after a few seconds] She's not in here. I've lost my sightless, loopy boss.
 * Drake: Yeah, but how nice is that hot tub? [Josh angrily pulls Drake into the tub and wrestles him]
 * Josh: Come here, partner!


 * [Josh has a dream as he imagines what will happen to Helen if she got killed. All theater workers wear black vests.]
 * Priest: Today, we come to lay and rest Helen Ophelia Dubois, or you might know her as Georgia, the spunky kid sister in the hit show "Happy Times".
 * [Everyone murmurs about Helen's show, Happy Times]
 * Drake: [mimicking Georgia] That is not my job!
 * Priest: But sadly, those are not happy times, because Helen was abandoned in her time of need. Abandoned by that man! Josh Nichols! How could you, Josh?!
 * [Everyone leaves while saying "It's all your fault" to Josh]
 * Drake: This is all your fault.
 * [as Josh's dream ends, his phone rings]
 * Josh: [answers the phone revealing it's Megan] Hello?
 * Megan: Josh, did you lose something?
 * Josh: What do you mean?
 * Megan: I found your boss at the park talking to a bush. So I brought her home.
 * Josh: Helen's at our house?
 * Megan: Yeah. Listen.
 * Helen: [at Drake and Josh's house] One cup that holds soda and popcorn and candy! [laughs] That's revolutionary!
 * Megan: Hear that?
 * Josh: Just don't let her go anywhere. Alright, I'm coming to get her! [hangs up and leaves]
 * Gavin: [picks up his pillow] Gonna take a nap on the roof. [leaves]

Paging Dr. Drake

 * Megan: [grabs her drink and sees a bug on the wall] Mom, there's a bug on the wall.
 * Audrey: Josh, go kill the bug.
 * Josh: [gets up but refuses to kill it after Drake injured his foot] Go kill the bug.
 * Drake: I don't want to kill the bug.
 * Walter: Josh, she asked you to do it. [Josh gets an orange and kills the bug but he missed] GET UP AND GO SQUISH THAT BUG!
 * Audrey: Right now!
 * Josh: [worried] Okay. [he gets up and walks with a cane as he tries to kill the bug]
 * Audrey: Okay, what up with the cane?
 * Josh: [mumbles] I use it to kill bugs and whatnot? [kills the bug with a cane] See? [falls down to the floor when he feels his foot accident]
 * Walter: [gets up] JOSH! [he and Audrey walk up to him after he falls to the floor] What's the matter with you?
 * Josh: I don't know! This house is tilted!
 * Megan: No! Josh crushed his foot and he refuses to go to the hospital.
 * Audrey: [worried] You what?
 * Walter: Let's get his shoe off. [he and Audrey took him to sit on a chair]
 * Josh: Look, d-don't even worry about it, alright. [Walter takes off his shoe] I'm-I'm sure it's-it's fine, it doesn't really even hurt any- [he, Walter, Audrey, and Megan react at his badly injured left foot after he dropped a barbell on it by Drake, much to his horror. The foot is now a purplish-black and red mess.] MORE!!!
 * Audrey: OH, NO!!!
 * Walter: AH!!! JOSH!!!
 * Megan: Cool!
 * Drake: Looks like mom's meatloaf! [his parents stare at him] Which tastes so good.
 * Audrey: How did this happened?
 * Drake: He dropped a barbell on it.
 * Josh: Yeah, after you shot me with a potato.
 * Audrey: A potato?
 * Drake: It's a long story.
 * Walter: [curious] Why didn't you tell us about this?
 * Josh: [worried] 'Cause I'm afraid of hospitals, alright?
 * Walter: Oh, come on!
 * Audrey: Do you know how serious this could be?
 * Walter: [after discovering Josh's foot] You could lose that foot!
 * Josh: [whining] But I love this foot!
 * Audrey: Come on, we need to get him to the hospital right now.
 * [as Drake leaves, Audrey and Walter help Josh to get to the hospital]
 * Megan: If they have to remove his foot, can I have it?
 * Walter and Audrey: No!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Walter: Pardon me, nurse.
 * Nurse: Yes?
 * Walter: Could you tell me what time my son's surgery is suppose to start? His name is Josh Nichols.
 * Nurse: Oh, I'm sorry. He passed away.
 * Walter: What?
 * Nurse: Oh, wait. Josh Nichols. His surgery doesn't start for a couple hours.
 * Walter: Thanks.
 * Nurse: Sure. [she walks away]

<hr width"50%"/>
 * Drake: [jumps out the window] Ow!

<hr width"50%"/>
 * Josh: I cannot believe you jumped out that window.
 * Drake: I can't believe I broke my arm.

Foam Finger

 * [flashback #1: in Josh's recollection]
 * Young Josh: Hey!
 * Young Drake: Hey.
 * Young Josh: I'm Josh, what's your name?
 * Young Drake: Drake.
 * Young Josh: I'm gonna buy a foam finger.
 * Young Drake: Um, could you not talk to me?
 * Young Josh: Ha-ha! You're funny. Wanna be friends?
 * Young Drake: If I say yes, will you stop talking to me?
 * Young Josh: Um, pardon me, but I think you're next in line.
 * Young Drake: Yeah, I know. Hey girls? Why don't you cut in you can all buy foam fingers.
 * [A group of little girls whoop while cutting and get in line to buy all the foam fingers]
 * Young Josh: Hey, no cutsies! Um, I was in line! [the little girls leave after buying almost all of the foam fingers] Ladies!
 * Young Drake: Got any foam fingers left?
 * Lenny: Just 1.
 * Young Drake: [satisfied] Good. I'll buy it. So he can't have it!
 * Young Josh: Heh!?
 * Lenny: Here you go, the last foam finger.
 * Young Drake: [satisfied] Ha-ha! I got the last foam finger!
 * Young Josh: Daddy! [little Drake hits him] You thumped me!
 * Young Drake: Did not.
 * Young Josh: Daddy!
 * [Little Drake tackles Little Josh, causing a fight for the last foam finger]
 * Lenny: Cops! Cops!
 * [they continue fighting until the cops show up as Josh's recollection ends]
 * Josh: And then the cops had to come break it up!

<hr width=50%/>
 * [flashback #2: in Drake's recollection]
 * Young Josh: [complaining] Hey! What the heck is taking so long?
 * Young Drake: Oh, don't worry. The line's moving pretty fast.
 * Young Josh: [complaining] Who asked you?
 * Lenny: Next in line.
 * Young Josh: He said next in line. Get your butt out of your ears!
 * Young Drake: Oh sorry.
 * Young Josh: Just hurry it up.
 * [a little girl walks up to Drake and Josh]
 * Little Girl: Parton me sir. I have only 3 weeks to live. May I please cut in front of you? Every minute counts.
 * Young Josh: [complaining] Ah! For the love of crud!
 * Young Drake: Sure, go right ahead.
 * [Lenny gives a little girl a foam finger much to Little Drake's delight]
 * Little Girl: You're very kind. [leaves]
 * Young Drake: Uh, 1 foam finger please.
 * Lenny: O-kay, it looks like that you got the last one.
 * Young Josh: [complaining] The last one?!
 * Young Drake: Sorry.
 * Young Josh: You're dead, punk. [he begins fighting with Little Drake causing a fight for the last foam finger]
 * Lenny: Cops! Cops!
 * [they continue fighting until the cops show up to stop the fight as Drake's recollection ends]

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 * Josh: You started that fight!
 * Drake: You calling me a liar?
 * Josh: I ain't callin' you a truther.

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 * [flashback #3: in Lenny's recollection]
 * Lenny: The Padres were playing against the Giants, and I was selling foam fingers, it was late in the afternoon, these 2 boys get in line at the concession stand...
 * Audrey: Okay, Drake, here's some money, you get yourself a souvenir.
 * Young Drake: Thanks, mom.
 * Audrey: Megan! Are you hungry?
 * Toddler Megan: Yeah.
 * Audrey: Yes. You can have a cookie.
 * Toddler Megan: I am hungry.
 * Audrey: Take the cookie.
 * Young Josh: Hey.
 * Young Drake: Hey.
 * Young Josh: I'm Josh.
 * Young Drake: Drake.
 * Young Josh: I'm gonna buy a foam finger.
 * Young Drake: Me too.
 * Young Josh: Cool.
 * Lenny: Next in line.
 * Young Josh: Hey, you're up.
 * [two little girls walk up behind the boys]
 * Little Girl: Hi, is it okay if we cut in front of you?
 * Young Drake: Cool with you?
 * Young Josh: Sure.
 * Young Drake: Go ahead.
 * Young Josh: You know, my dad's a weatherman.
 * Young Drake: My mom loves weathermen.
 * Little Girl: Thanks. Bye. [She and the other little girl leave]
 * Young Drake: 1 foam finger, please.
 * Lenny: Okay, it looks like you got the last one.
 * Young Josh: (upset) Aw, that's the last foam finger?
 * Young Drake: I'm really sorry.
 * Young Josh: Daddy! [Toddler Megan throws the cookie at Josh's head] Aaah! You thumped me.
 * Young Drake: No, I didn't.
 * [they both start fighting again for the last foam finger]
 * Lenny: Cops! Cops!
 * [they continue fighting until the cops show up as Lenny's recollection ends]
 * Josh: So... it was Megan who started the fight.
 * Lenny: That's right. She threw the cookie.
 * Megan: Wow. I was even cool then!

<hr width=50%>
 * [Drake and Josh reconcile from their fight]
 * Josh: Can you believe us? I mean, we've been fighting this whole week. We were fighting when we were 8 years old.
 * Drake: Yeah, I wonder what it's gonna be like when we're 80.
 * Josh: [chuckles] Yeah.
 * [flashforwarding 80 years, Drake and Josh imagine themselves and Megan as seniors, all old and cranky]
 * Elderly Josh: I am starving. [blows on his in-haller; an elderly Megan comes to bring them their bowls of food] Starving!
 * Elderly Drake: Yeah, where's Megan with our dinna?
 * Both: Megaaaaan!
 * Elderly Megan: I'm comin', I'm comin'! Drake, here's your oatmeal. Josh, here's your cream of wheat. [gives them their bowls] Boobs! [walks away]
 * Elderly Josh: Wait! Wait-wait, I wanted the oatmeal.
 * Elderly Drake: No, you asked for the cream of wheat.
 * Elderly Josh: You gimme that oatmeal!
 *  Elderly Drake: Over my dead body!
 * Elderly Josh: Fine! I can wait 5 minutes.
 * Elderly Drake: That's it! I'm eatin' on the other side of the room. [gets up]
 * Elderly Josh: Well, who needs ya? [gets up cracking his back, as Megan secretly throws a cookie at him and quickly escapes] You threw somethin' at me!
 * Elderly Drake: That's a lie!
 * Elderly Josh: It is on!
 * Elderly Drake: Oh, it's on!
 * Elderly Josh: It's go time!
 * Elderly Drake: I'll show you go time!
 * Elderly Josh: I am comin' at you, fast as lighting!
 * [both fight until they fall asleep on the couch as the episode ends]

Girl Power

 * Drake: You know what I love about you?
 * Lucy: What do you love about me?
 * Drake: You're always in a great mood. Man, I can't believe I even thought about dumping you.
 * Lucy: Huh?
 * Drake: Oh, oh, nothing, it's stupid.
 * Lucy: Oh, tell me.
 * Drake: Well, it's just you know. Okay, to be totally honest, you know I-I got kind of freaked out about the other night.
 * Lucy: What, the thing with the football player?
 * Drake: Yeah, you know I was thinking how could I date a girl who's tougher than me? But Josh told me I was just being dumb.
 * Lucy: Yeah. So now you're cool with it?
 * Drake: Cool with what?
 * Lucy: Dating a girl that's tougher than you.
 * Drake: Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay you are not tougher than me, that football player just caught me off guard.
 * Lucy: [laughing] Okay, whatever you say.
 * Drake: You think you're tougher than me.
 * Lucy: Kinda.
 * [Drake and Lucy both get together in an arm wrestling contest]

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 * Josh: Mr. & Mrs. Crewshaw.

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 * Lucy: [throws Drake] Whoops.
 * Drake: Not bad.
 * Lucy: Well, there's a lot more where that- ahh!

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 * [Drake and Lucy continue their wrestling match downstairs, ruining Josh and Mindy's dinner as the Megan and the kids cheer]
 * Josh: [incredibly furious after making Drake stop fighting by picking him up] IT'S A DRAW!
 * Mr. Crenshaw: Josh, who are these people?
 * Josh: Uh, this is my brother Drake. Drake, this is-
 * Mrs. Crenshaw: He's your brother?
 * Mr. Crenshaw: I knew it! I knew these were not the kind of people our daughter should be associating with. Mindy, we're going!
 * Mindy: Dad, mom, wait!
 * Josh: [incredibly furious] You see what you do? 1 night. 1 night, I ask you to help me and you ruin it!
 * Drake: Josh.
 * Josh: [incredibly furious] Look, I-I told you how important this was to me. I told you that this was my last chance to impress Mindy's parents. I-I spent like 2 days working on this dinner and I spent like 300 bucks on a dumb harpist, who at this point, SHOULD STOP PLAYING! [the harpist stops playing] And I don't even care what you think of Mindy, alright? Because she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't date her anymore because you wrecked it! Alright, y-y-you you wrecked my dinner, you wrecked my $100 ice sculpture, and you wrecked my relationship!
 * Drake: Y-You spent $100 on ice? [Josh attacks him and begins to fight with him, until Lucy stops them]
 * Lucy: Stop!
 * Mr. Crenshaw: Listen, Josh! I think… that you and Mindy should continue dating.
 * Josh: For real?
 * Mindy: Why'd you changed your mind?
 * Mrs. Crenshaw: Because any young man who cares that much about our Mindy. I think you understand.
 * Josh: Thank you so much, Mr. & Mrs. Crenshaw.
 * Mr. Crenshaw: Just 1 thing.
 * Josh: Yes, sir?
 * Mr. Crenshaw: What were you two fighting about?
 * Lucy: Oh, see, I challenged him to a wrestling match because he didn't believe that I was tougher than him.
 * Mr. Crenshaw: Well, of course you're not. [chuckles]
 * Lucy: Huh?
 * Mr. Crenshaw: Physically, boys are genetically superior to girls.
 * Drake: Ah, thank you.
 * Mrs. Crenshaw: Oh, Paul, you sound like an idiot.
 * Mindy: You tell him, mom.
 * Mrs. Crenshaw: You know, fighting has to do with skill, not male-vs-female genetics.
 * Mr. Crenshaw: Oh, don't be absurd. Men are tougher than women.
 * Mrs. Crenshaw: Oh, I have stakes tougher than you.
 * Megan: Well, I guess there's only 1 way to settle this.
 * Boy: FIGHT!
 * [Mindy's parents get into a fight as the episode ends]

Sheep Thrills

 * Josh: What just happened?
 * Drake: You said you were gonna get Josh!
 * Josh: HUH?

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 * [Drake and Josh find a sheep in the garage during the middle of the night]
 * Josh: What up with the sheep?
 * Megan: [comes in the garage] Why are you guys in the garage? Did you hurt my sheep?
 * Drake: This thing's yours?
 * Megan: Yes, he's mine. Are you okay, Baaahhb?
 * Josh: His name is Bob?
 * Megan: No, he's a sheep, his name is Baaahhb!
 * Drake: It's not Bob, it's Baaahhb. [Josh stares at him]
 * Josh: Yes, I get it. Here's a crazy question, where'd you get a sheep?
 * Megan: I bought him on the internet.
 * Josh: Oh, excuse me for not being familiar with the sheepstore.com.
 * Drake: I thought mom and dad said you can't have a pet.
 * Megan: No, they said I couldn't have a cat. They said nothing about a sheep.
 * Josh: Well when mom and dad find Baaahhb, you're going to be in some big time trouble little girl.
 * Megan: No, they're not gonna find it because you two are gonna hide him in your room.
 * Josh: Oh, really.
 * Drake: And what makes you think we're gonna do that?
 * Megan: Well, if you two hide him, just till I figure out a way to explain to mom and dad.
 * Josh: Yeah.
 * Drake: What?
 * Megan: I promise not to pull any pranks on you for 3 months.
 * [Drake and Josh both gasp]
 * Josh: For real?
 * Drake: You swear.
 * Megan: Swear.
 * Josh: Think about it.
 * Drake: A world where Megan doesn't do bad things to us.
 * [Drake and Josh both have a dream set at a garden where Megan happily throws flowers at them and dance together]
 * Drake and Josh: We'll do it.
 * Megan: Excellent.
 * Drake: But just for a few days.
 * Megan: That's all I need. Now you take Baaahhb up to your room and make him comfortable. [she gives her pet sheep to Drake and Josh] And uh, be sure he has plenty of water. Night! [leaves the garage]
 * Josh: Alright, we should take Bob up to our-
 * Drake: It's Baaahhb!
 * [Josh sprays on Drake's face to make him hush]

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 * Josh: What did you do?
 * Drake: I didn't do anything! I-I-It was him, the sheep did this.

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 * [Drake and Josh feel tried and go upstairs as they bring Baaahhb up to their room when they tried to avoid showing it to Audrey and Walter]
 * Josh: [tired] Oh, we did it.
 * Drake: [tired, picks up the lamb] Yeah.
 * Josh: [tired] Yeah, come on. Come on. Alright. Now. Uh, you... [now awake] You stay here with the baby and Baaahhb. I'm gonna go downstairs and make sure mom and dad aren’t suspicious. [he opens the door and screams at Audrey and Walter who loks suspicious, much to his horror, he closes the door in front of them and runs up to Drake as he feels shocked] THEY'RE SUSPICIOUS!
 * [Audrey and Walter come inside Drake and Josh's room and find two sheep in their room thinking they had caused all the trouble they've done]
 * Audrey: Well, we came up here to ask why you guys are acting so strange tonight.
 * Walter: But, uh, maybe a better question would be: Um, why do you have 2 sheep in your room?
 * Josh: Like technically, a little one is called a lamb.
 * Walter: Josh.
 * Drake: You, alright, this is all Megan's fault!
 * Audrey: Here we go again.
 * Josh: No, it is. Oh, go, okay, she bought the big one online.
 * Drake: And then it gave birth on my bed.
 * Josh: [whining] And the whole thing's been really upseting!
 * Walter: Ok. So you want us to believe that a sweet little 11-year-old girl somehow managed to go on the internet and buy herself a pregnant sheep.
 * Josh: It does sound unlikely.
 * Drake: It's true!
 * Josh: It's true!
 * Megan: [comes home from oboe practice and goes inside Drake and Josh's room] Hey, what's going on?
 * Drake: Ha! Now she could tell you herself.
 * Josh: Yeah. You put down your oboe and tell them what they did!
 * Megan: What are you guys talking-? [sees a sheep in Drake and Josh's room and drops her oboe] Wow! A sheep! How cute! [gives a sheep a hug] Oh. Where'd you guys get him?
 * [Audrey and Walter stare at Drake and Josh as Megan pretends to not know about the sheep]
 * Josh: [worried] What? You got-you-you know good and well.
 * Drake: How long are we grounded?
 * Audrey: A month.
 * Josh: [defeated] Fair enough.
 * [Audrey and Walter are both satisfied that Drake and Josh are both grounded for one month, the lamb baas whiles Megan hugs a sheep]
 * [Cut to a few weeks later on the final night of their punishment]
 * Josh: That’s it, thirty days. [crosses out day in the calendar] Tomorrow we’re free men.
 * Drake: [brushing his teeth] Yeah, it’s about time.

Drake & Josh Go Hollywood
Note: This film is an hour long.
 * Josh: Can I ask your opinion on something serious?
 * Megan: Is this about your rash?
 * Josh: No!

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 * Audrey: [on why she won't go on a cruise] Boats sink.
 * Walter: It's not a boat, it's a ship. And ships don't sink.
 * Audrey: Tiiiiiiiiiiitanic.
 * Walter: That was just a movie.
 * Audrey: Based on a true story!
 * Walter: ...For real?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Josh: Where have you been?
 * Drake: I told you, I went to go get a corn dog.
 * Josh: It took you over an hour just to get 1 corn dog?!
 * Drake: I also had a drink.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Megan: Do you ever clean this car? It's full of trash.
 * Drake: Hey, everything in this car is very important to me!
 * Megan: [holding up a dead bird] Like this dead bird?
 * Drake: Aw, Tweeter died!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Drake: [arrives with his and Josh's drink] Here.
 * Josh: Hey.
 * Drake: Her plane take off yet?
 * Josh: Nah. I think it's about to.
 * Drake: Hey, what time does she land in Denver?
 * Women: Uh, you mean the plane that just boarded?
 * Drake: Yeah.
 * Josh: Uh-huh.
 * Women: That flight's going to Los Angeles.
 * Drake: No it's not.
 * Josh: It's going to Denver. [drinks his soda and then he was surprised] PLEASE TELL ME THAT FLIGHT'S GOING TO DENVER!
 * Drake: [he and Josh walk up to the lady] Um, excuse me.
 * Josh: Look!
 * Drake: That flight's is about to leave. It's going to Denver right? Say right?
 * Gate Agent: No, this is 647 to Los Angeles. The Denver flight number is 746.
 * Drake: Oh, yeah.
 * Josh: [angrily] Oh, YEAH? You put our 11 year old little tweet sister on a plane to the wrong city!
 * Drake: Alright, alright this is no time to panic!
 * Josh: This is the perfect time to panic! YOU GOTTA STOP THAT PLANE!
 * Gate Agent: That's impossible.
 * Drake: W-W-W-Well, why JUST CALL THE PILOT MAN AND TELL HIM TO TURN THE PLANE OFF AND NOT TO FLY AWAY.
 * Gate Agent: I'm sorry but once the doors of the plane have been closed the flight can't be stopped from taking off.
 * Josh: [worried] Okay.
 * Drake: We understand.
 * Josh: We'll respect your rules.
 * Drake: Let's go home Josh.
 * Josh: [worried] Certainly.
 * [Drake and Josh get ready to leave but they come back and panic to open the door]
 * Gate Agent: Security! Security gate 9A. [security stop by to pick up Drake and Josh] SECURITY!
 * Josh: [angrily while being dragged away by security] OH THATS MY LEGS, DO YOU HAVE A PERMIT FOR THIS? DO YOU HAVE A PERMIT?

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 * [after airport security had detained Drake and Josh]
 * Head of Security: Alright boys, I hope learned a very important lesson on how seriously we take airport security.
 * Drake: Oh, we learned. Especially during that strip search.
 * Josh: Which was shockingly thorough.
 * Head of Security: We do our best. Alright, have a nice day. [to Josh] And good luck with that rash.
 * Josh: [angrily] Yeah, thanks. Okay, what do we do? How do we find Megan?
 * Drake: Relax, I'll call her cellphone and tell her when she lands in LA and just get on another flight back to San Diego. [he calls Megan]
 * [Megan's cellphone rings]
 * Josh: [takes it out and reveals that he has Megan's cellphone as he answers it] Hello?
 * Drake: [angrily] YOU FORGOT TO GIVE HER CELLPHONE BACK!?!? MAN THAT'S JUST GREAT THAT'S AWESOME!
 * Josh: DO NOT GIVE ME YOUR TUDE, I DIDN'T FLY HER OFF TO THE WRONG CITY!
 * Drake: Oh don't you hang up on me!
 * Josh: Oh, just come on! Uh, excuse me ma'am.
 * Gate Agent: [pulls out mace] Yes?
 * Josh: We need 2 tickets on the next flight to Los Angeles.
 * Drake: We're going to LA?
 * Josh: We're going to LA!

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 * Megan: Excuse me? I think the pilot made a mistake. This plane is going to Denver, right?
 * Attendant: No, we're in route to Los Angeles.
 * Megan: Los Angeles? Not Denver?
 * Attendant: No.
 * Megan: ...Those dumb boobs.

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 * [Megan arrives in Los Angeles]
 * Megan: Hi.
 * Gate Agent: Yes, can I help you?
 * Megan: Well see, I wasn't supposed to fly here to Los Angeles but my 2 boobish brothers put me on the wrong plane. So could you please put me on a flight to Denver?
 * Gate Agent: Let me check the computer and see what's available.
 * Megan: Cool.
 * Gate Agent: Uh oh.
 * Megan: What?
 * Gate Agent: Denver's experiencing severe thunderstorms so all flights there have been cancelled till the weather's cleared.
 * Megan: Okay. Guess I'm spending the night at LA.
 * Gate Agent: Can I help you arrange a ride somewhere?
 * Megan: Uh yeah, that'd be awesome.
 * Gate Agent: Taxi or limo?
 * Megan: Limo.

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 * Drake: Okay, let's go get Megan!
 * Josh: Okay, but first...
 * Drake: What?
 * Josh: I gotta pee really bad.
 * Drake: Well, can't you hold it?
 * Josh: Yeah, I... [strained] No!

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 * Josh: I can't believe that we're in Los Angeles driving a stolen car!
 * Drake: It's not stolen.
 * Josh: STOLEN!!!!
 * Drake: We borrowed it. Which is a perfectly reitable choice when you're trying to avoid being attacked by 2 maniacs.

Megan's New Teacher

 * Josh: Good morning class. My name is Mr. Nichols. Now, today we're going to be learning about the atom.
 * Adam: Oh! My names Adam.
 * Josh: No, I mean we'll be learning about molecular bonding. Now, I'm going to be teaching you guys all kinds of cool stuff about chemistry. So, you're going to need these special textbooks.
 * Katie: Advanced molecular theory?
 * Adam: [while having a college textbook on his desk] Oh, this is a college textbook!
 * Josh: I know
 * Megan: Yo, boob.
 * Josh: Excuse me, Megan, I'm your teacher!
 * Megan: Sorry, Mr. Boob. This stuff is way to hard for us.
 * [Megan's class mumble]
 * Josh: Sh! Alright, look, I believe that kids are way more capable then your givin credit for.
 * Boy: Kevin's eating glue!
 * Josh: [takes the glue away from Kevin] Don't you know your not supposed to eat glue!? [Kevin mumbles with his mouth full of glue] Look, I just think that young people need to be challenged and I'm Mr. Challenge!
 * Katie: You said you're Mr. Nichols!
 * Adam: I thought he was Mr. Boob!
 * [Megan's class laugh]
 * Josh: Hey, watch it. Alright, I can be quick with the timeouts! Just saying!
 * Katie: That guy's your brother?
 * Megan: Yeah.
 * Katie: I'm so sorry.

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 * Josh: [with German accent] Alright, I am a very famous person. Who am I?
 * Katie: A hobo?
 * Josh: No. Hobos aren't famous. Now, here's the hint. I am a famous scientist.
 * Neil: Harry Potter.
 * Josh: No. Harry Potter is a wizard. Think. I am a German scientist.
 * Adam: A hobo!
 * Josh: [in his normal accent] Dude, I'm Albert Einstein! You should know this from your homework last night.
 * Megan: I told you, we weren't doing it.
 * Josh: Wait a minute. None of you did your homework?
 * Katie: I tried to, but I couldn't figure it out, so I asked my mom to help me.
 * Josh: And?
 * Katie: She couldn't figure it out, either. So, she asked my dad, and then he got mad and went to a motel.
 * Josh: Well, then I guess I'm going to have to give you all a pop quiz.
 * [Megan's class complain]
 * Several kids: WHAT?!
 * One kid: That's not even fair!
 * Megan: Yo, Einstein. If you give us a quiz on homework we didn't do, we're gonna fail!
 * Josh: You shouldn't thought of that when you weren't doing your homework.
 * Katie: Your brother is getting on my nerves.
 * Adam: Yeah, he's bugging me, too.
 * Megan: It's not my fault.
 * Ms. Hunter: [comes in] Alright children- Oh no! Security! We've got another hobo in the classroom!
 * [the security guard sprays Josh's face]
 * Josh: I'm not a hobo! STAND DOWN!

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 * Megan: Hey, guys. [her friends stare at her] Happy birthday, Katie.
 * Katie: Oh, hi, Megan.
 * Megan: I think you're gonna love this!(Talking about her present)
 * Katie: Uh, didn't you get my text message?
 * Megan: What text message?
 * Katie: The one where I un-invited to this party.
 * Megan: Um, why would you un-invite me?
 * Boy: Cause nobody wants you here.

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 * Megan: [satisfied, after Josh was fired by her and Drake] Strike 3 and you're out!

Little Sibling

 * Mrs. Hayfer: Good morning, adulessons. Please take your seats. Taylor, take off your headphones or I will sell them on the internet. [looks at the empty seat] We have an empty seat, who's not here?
 * Becca: [runs up to Mrs. Hayfer] Mrs. Hayfer, the lunch ladies are fighting again.
 * Mrs. Hayfer: What is it about sloppy joe day that makes those women so violent? [as she leaves] Helga? Helga?!
 * Josh: So what are the lunch ladies fighting about?
 * Becca: Oh, they're not fighting.
 * Josh: Why'd you tell Mrs. Hayfer they were fighting?
 * Drake: [walks in] Thank you, Becca.
 * Josh: Of course.
 * Drake: And how could I ever repay you?
 * Becca: I think you can guess. [Drake and Becca kiss on the lips] Let me know if you need more help.
 * Drake: Let me know if you need more Drake. [Becca walks away] Oh, and Josh, you left your ointment at home.
 * Josh: Is nothing personal?
 * Mrs. Hayfer: Well, the lunch ladies were not fighting and I don't know why those girls called- [sees Drake sitting down] Drake Parker, were you here when I left?
 * Drake: Oh, oh, yeah, totally. You probably didn't see me because I had my face buried in this book.
 * Mrs. Hayfer: Are you lying to me Drake?
 * Drake: Would I lie to you?
 * Mrs. Hayfer: Let me think, yes. But I know someone who never lies. [walks over to Josh] Josh? Was Drake on time to my class today?
 * Josh: Um, you know, what is time? When you think about it because Einstein theorized that time actually-
 * Mrs. Hayfer: Josh!
 * Josh: [whines] No, he wasn't here on time.
 * Drake: Josh!
 * Josh: [whines] Tell that girl to come in here so you'd have to leave so he could to sneak into class. I'm sorry, I can't lie. If you murder me in my sleep tonight I'd appreciate you doing it in a way that's not painful. [whines] IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? [ends up getting a scary emotion]

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 * Mrs. Hayfer: See you tomorrow, class.
 * Drake: Okay, how many days of detention are you going to give me?
 * Mrs. Hayfer: None!
 * Drake: None!
 * Josh: She said none.
 * Drake: I heard the none.
 * Mrs. Hayfer: I'm putting you in Remedial English. [Drake and Josh gasp] What's the matter, Drake? Did you not enjoy your last experience in Remedial English class?
 * [Drake has a dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students]
 * Mr. Talbot: [with his hands and feet tied-up] Would someone like to come to the board and diagram that sentence? And perhaps untie me.
 * Bully: [yelling] STOP TALKING!
 * Drake: Oh, I don't think you're not allowed to have dogs in school.
 * Bully: [yelling] YOU LEAVE CUDDLES ALONE!
 * [the goth girls sit next to Drake]
 * Goth Girl 2: I heard you kiss good.
 * Drake: Oh no, not really!
 * Goth Girl 1: You're our new boyfriend.
 * Goth Girl 2: I get to kiss him first!
 * Goth Girl 1: No, I do!
 * Goth Girl 2: No, you don't!
 * [the goth girls struggle to kiss Drake]
 * Drake: [whining] SAVE ME CUDDLES! [Drake's dream ends as the scene cuts to him in the classroom] Okay, you cannot put me back in Remedial English!
 * Mrs. Hayfer: Well, there is one other option.
 * Drake: What other option?
 * Mrs. Hayfer: I could give you a little sibling.
 * Drake: A baby pig?
 * Josh: A sibling is a brother or sister.
 * Mrs. Hayfer: Yes, my husband Gerald is a sponsor for the little sibling foundation.
 * Drake: I'm almost sure little siblings are baby pigs.
 * Mrs. Hayfer: [yelling] WELL, THEY'RE NOT!
 * Josh: Little siblings is an organization that matches up underprivileged kids with an older brother or sister.
 * Drake: So you're gonna punish me by making me babysit some kid?
 * Mrs. Hayfer: I'm hoping that it will teach you to be responsible. It's your choice Drake, you can get a little sibling or you can go back to Remedial English class. Which will it be?
 * Drake: I'll take the baby pig.

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 * Mrs. Hayfer: [comes in The Premiere and finds Drake and Josh with Sammy] Very, very, interesting.
 * Drake: Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing out in public?
 * Mrs. Hayfer: Apparently, watching you, fail miserably. Josh, would you take Sammy to the nurse for a moment?
 * Josh: There's no nurse here-
 * Mrs. Hayfer: TO THE NURSE!
 * Josh: Come on, Sammy! [he and Sammy run off]
 * Drake: Mrs. Hayfer, I can explain.
 * Mrs. Hayfer: Drake, we had a deal. You stay out of remedial English as long as your Sammy's big sibling but if Sammy prefers Josh, well I think we know what will happen to you.
 * [Drake has another dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students and a vicious dog named Cuddles that's controlled by a bully]
 * Mr. Talbot: [with his hands and feet tied-up] WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE POLICE!
 * [2 Gothic love starved Bartleby sisters try to kiss Drake as Drake's second dream ends]
 * Drake: Okay, okay, just give me 1 day and I promise Sammy will love me.
 * Mrs. Hayfer: Make sure it happens. [walks away but stops for a little bit to talk to Drake] Oh, and Drake. Guess what?
 * Drake: What?
 * Mrs. Hayfer: [satisfied] I hate you.
 * Drake: [worried] I know.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Josh: Mr. Talbot, the principal wants to see Drake right now.
 * Mr. Talbot: Very well, Drake, you may go.
 * Drake: Yes, sir.

Theater Thug

 * [Megan and Josh enters Drake and Josh's room]
 * Megan: I so don't want to do this!
 * Josh: Come on! Just work with me for 10 minutes!
 * Drake: What are you guys doing?
 * Megan: He wants me to help him rehearse his lines for FBI's Most Wanted.
 * Drake: [to Josh] Dude, you are taking this acting thing way too seriously!
 * Josh: I just want to be good, alright?
 * Drake: It's acting, you show up, you say some stuff, you go home, anyone could do it.
 * Josh: Okay Megan, when I walk through the door, just react naturally to what I say. [he leaves the room] Megan, you ready?
 * Megan: Wait, let me go over my line. [looks at her script] What? Okay, I'm ready!
 * Josh: Drake, yell action!
 * Drake: [unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar] Action.
 * Josh: [walks through the door] Where's the money?
 * Megan: What?
 * Josh: Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! [Megan giggles] Oh come on! You can't giggle!
 * Megan: You said to react naturally. You tried to act tough so naturally I laughed.
 * Josh: Okay, don't react naturally, act the way you would if I was a big scary robber. [leaves the room] Drake!
 * Drake: [unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar] Action.
 * Josh: [walks through the door] Where's the money?
 * Megan: What?
 * Josh: Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing!
 * Megan: There's a cop behind you.
 * Josh: [turns around] What cop? [Megan pushes him through the door and locks it] Megan! Open this door! Alright, fine! I'll just bust it down! [tries to get in, but he falls to the floor] Never mind.
 * [Drake and Megan laugh]

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 * Josh: It happened 3 times.
 * Helen: Just get to work!

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 * Drake: Come on.
 * Josh: I feel like an idiot.
 * Drake: You look fine.
 * Josh: [he walks out, in a hippie disguise] I look so stupid.
 * Drake: So, at least you're not gettin' beat up or arrested.
 * Josh: I guess. What it ease? People are staring at me.
 * Drake: So, just ignore 'em. At least it's working.
 * Man: Hey, it's the Theater Thug!
 * Josh: No, no, no!
 * Man: And he's wearing a hippie disguise!
 * Josh: No, no! See, my name is Antoine. How are you?
 * Old Lady: Don't let him get away!
 * Josh: [being crowded] I'm--no, I'm not the guy! hey, It's not me! I'm... [whistles blows] Wait, wait! [dragged by the police] I'm not the guy! You've got the--No! [sputtering] I'm not--I'm not the guy! No! Tell him I'm not the guy! He went that way! He went--[dragged by the police again] I'm not the guy!

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 * Drake: JOSH, DUCK! [accidentally wakes Josh with a mop; to the thug] I have a mop!

The Demonator

 * [Drake and Josh get ready to ride The Demonator as they leave the house]
 * Josh: Hi, parents.
 * Drake: Bye, parents.
 * Walter: [stops the boys from leaving] Woah, woah, woah, woah. Where do you boys think you're going?
 * Drake: Uh, to make history.
 * Josh: We're going to ride The Demonator.
 * Audrey: No, you promised that you'd stay here and watch Papa Nichols.
 * Drake: Ugh, fine. Here, come on, he can come with us. Come on, Josh, grab his feet.
 * Josh: Why do I always have to grab the feet?
 * [Drake lifts Papa Nichols' shoulders while Josh lifts his feet]
 * Walter: Guys, you can't take your great-grandfather to ride The Demonator.
 * Josh: Sure we can.
 * Drake: Yeah, you only have to be this tall. [he puts his hand about yay high]
 * Walter: The man just had surgery, and he's heavily medicated.
 * Drake: Oh, come on, he fought in World War II.
 * Josh: The Demonator is nothing for a man who's seen combat!
 * Audrey: Okay, listen to my words. You boys are going to stay here and take care of Papa Nichols, are we clear?
 * Josh: Yes.
 * Drake: Fine.

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 * [while Drake, Josh, and Megan are out riding the Demonator, Craig and Eric are at home watching Papa Nichols]
 * Craig: Drake said he'd be asleep all night.
 * Papa Nichols: [wakes up] Oh, where am I? What's happened?
 * Eric: He's disoriented.
 * Papa Nichols: What did you call me?
 * Eric: Oh. Uh, nothing, sir. I was just, uhh...
 * Papa Nichols: What have you done with the rest of my unit?
 * Craig: What does he mean, his unit?
 * [Papa Nichols picks up his slipper]
 * Eric: I guess he thinks he's back in World War II.
 * Papa Nichols: [uses his slipper as a walkie-talkie] General Patton, sir. It's Sergeant Nichols. I've just been captured by 2 German nerds!
 * Eric: Oh. No, no, sir. We're not Germans.
 * Papa Nichols: That's just what a German would say!
 * Eric: No, no, no. You don't understand...
 * Papa Nichols: No, no. You will not capture me. [bonks Eric in the head] Ever!
 * Craig: Eric!
 * Papa Nichols: [mumbling] Get outta here! [Craig screams as Papa Nichols throws him over the couch] USA! USA! USA! [starts running off] USA! USA! USA! USA!
 * [after Papa Nichols leaves, Craig and Eric are sitting on the floor feeling themselves in pain]

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 * [Drake, Josh, and Megan are bumped to the back of the line after Josh got back in the middle of the line upsetting people when he had to use the restroom]
 * Megan: I can't believe you got us sent to the back of the line.
 * Drake: You just had to pee.
 * Josh: Sorry. Yeah, next time, I'll just let my bladder explode.
 * Megan: Thank you.

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 * [Papa Nichols has tied Craig and Eric to chairs, with a broom on his hand]
 * Papa Nichols: Alright. For the last time, what have you done with Colonel Bradford?
 * Craig: We don't know.
 * Eric: We're not Germans.
 * Craig: We're from Lawndale.
 * Eric: Uh, actually, I'm from North Lawndale. See, last year, city council-
 * [Eric's phone is ringing]
 * Papa Nichols: What's that noise?! Where's it coming from?
 * Eric: My shirt pocket?
 * [Papa Nichols takes Eric's phone out of his pocket]
 * Papa Nichols: What is this? Is it some kind of weapon? Are you two from the future?!
 * Eric: No, that's just my cell phone.
 * Papa Nichols: It's a trick. Incoming!
 * [Papa Nichols throws the phone at the wall, breaking it thinking it was a weapon]
 * Eric: Oh no! He ruined my picture phone! It had all of our vacation photos on it.
 * Craig: From Niagara Falls? Aw, man!

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 * Walter: Well. I should wake him up and take him to the guest room. Papa Nicholas. Papa Nicholas. Wake up. It's time to-
 * Papa Nicholas: AH! [wakes up and punches Walter, knocking him out; laughs] Nice try, German! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! [he runs off while Drake, Josh, and Audrey can't believe how crazy he is]

Alien Invasion

 * [Drake turns on the radio while Josh is doing homework]
 * Josh: Hey! Hey!
 * Drake: Oh, hey. Want some sandwich?
 * Josh: No! I'm trying to do my homework. Could you turn that off?!
 * Drake: [takes out his guitar and starts singing in blues] Oh cranky Josh, he is getting so cranky, so very cranky. [Josh brakes his pencil] And now he brakes things. Somebody could call to the pencil repairman...
 * Josh: DUDE!!! Would you please stop that improvisational blues tune? Don't you have homework to do?
 * Drake: My homework's already been taken care of. [gives his note to Josh]
 * Josh: [reading Drake fake doctor's note] Please excuse Drake from his homework. He twisted his liver and is unable to read, write, or bathe. Yours truly, the doctor.
 * Drake: Wrote it myself!
 * Josh: Shouldn't the doctor have a name?
 * Drake: Oh, yes. Here, gimme that. Bob! "Bob, the Doctor". Yeah?
 * Josh: Oh yeah, yeah! That is perfect!
 * Drake: Cool!

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 * Josh: Hey, she out there?
 * Drake: Yep, she keeps looking up in the sky wondering where the aliens are.
 * Josh: Perfect, alright. Come here, now this is the ham radio.
 * Drake: Mmm, ham radio.
 * Josh: Now we just talk into this mic and we sound like aliens.
 * Drake: Oh, cool, gimme it. Bonjour Si' te plait. [Josh takes the mic]
 * Josh: We're supposed to sound like we're from outer space, NOT PARIS!
 * Drake: You know there's a way to correct people nicely.

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 * Eric: Ya know, sometimes, I feel you just use me.

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 * Megan: Hello? Hello? Who's out there? Hello? [hears alien nosies] Who said that? [Drake and Josh, disguised as aliens, comes through the fence gate towards her] Leave me alone! You'd better not eat my face! Stay away! [falls backwards; screams] What are you doing? [the "aliens" pause] What are you gonna do?
 * Drake and Josh: [exchange looks] Dance. [dance in victory] Gotcha! [chest bump]
 * Megan: What? [Drake and Josh take off their masks] Drake, Josh!?

Dr. Phyllis Show

 * Drake and Josh: Sometimes, he just drives me insane!

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 * [Megan comes in Drake and Josh's room while Drake and Josh are still arguing together]
 * Megan: Hey! Hey! HEY!
 * Josh: What?
 * Megan: It is 11:45 PM. I am a little girl. Little girls are suppose to be asleep by 11:45 PM. Now, this is the third night in a row that you clowns kept me up your fighting. [Drake and Josh continue fighting] HEY! Here! [gives Drake and Josh tickets each]
 * Josh: What are these?
 * Megan: Tickets to the Dr. Phyllis Show. You guys are both going tomorrow after school. The topic is Bickering Brothers. Now, I'm gonna go back to sleep and I don't wanna hear another sound from this room. [leaves Drake and Josh's room]
 * Drake: I'm not going on her show.

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 * [after all of Drake and Josh's flashbacks from the previous episodes were shown]
 * Dr. Phyllis: Unbelievable!
 * Drake and Josh: I know.
 * Dr. Phyllis: Bickering is one thing, but you two should be ashamed of yourselves for allowing it to escalate to physical confutations.
 * Josh: No! I will not share the blame here. I am the victim in this relationship.
 * Drake: Oh, how are you the victim?
 * Josh: You’re always trying to take advantage of me.
 * Drake: Ha!
 * Dr. Phyllis: Drake, come on, honestly. Do you ever take advantage of Josh just a little bit?
 * Josh: Well, but not just me. He takes advantage of everyone.
 * Drake: Oh, name one time.
 * Josh: Okay, uhh. That girl, Liza.
 * Drake: Hot Liza?
 * Josh: Yeah, you totally dated her just to get your old girlfriend back.
 * Drake: That's an exasperation!
 * Josh: Exaggeration, read a book, would ya!?
 * Drake: No!
 * Dr. Phyllis: Josh, tell me a little bit more about Drake and this girl hot Liza.
 * Josh: I'm glad, too. See, Drake had just broken up with this girl Tori. But he wanted her back. So, he thought he’d make her jealous by making out with this hot girl Liza.
 * Dr. Phyliss: Drake, is this story true?
 * Drake: Yeah, but I totally learned my lesson. Let me tell ya, Liza Tupper, worst kisser ever!
 * Josh: I have heard that.
 * Dr. Phyllis: Liza Tupper?
 * Drake: Yeah, and she's not the smartest won-ton on the poo-poo platter either, if you know what I'm saying!
 * Josh: I have heard that.
 * Dr. Phyllis: You're saying she's dumb?
 * Drake: And a bad kisser!
 * Dr. Phyllis: [anger rising] Liza Tupper happens to be my daughter!
 * Drake: [gets up] Oh, this is awkward.
 * [Dr. Phyllis gets up and gets mad at Drake as she attacks him, then attacks Josh when he tries to stop her]

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 * Drake: Alright, a toast, to the best brother I've ever had.
 * Josh: Back at ya, brother.
 * Drake:: [sips his Mocha-Cola, then cringes] This is diet. Here, switch with me.
 * Josh: No. You already took a sip.
 * Drake: So?
 * Josh: So I don't wanna drink your backwash.
 * Drake: Don't be such a priss.
 * Josh: I'm NOT a priss!
 * Drake: Then switch with me.
 * Josh: No!
 * Drake: Come on, you know I hate diet.
 * Josh: Are you really gonna get mad about this?
 * Drake: You're always doing this, man. Come on.
 * Josh: I'm always doing it? This is what I'm talking about. I'm enjoying a delicious regular beverage.
 * Drake: You're still mad about the golf balls.
 * Josh: You can have a little diet. This is what you say. "Oh, Josh. You gave me diet soda. And you could go get a new soda." [they have another argument. Megan comes into the living room and activates a device. The device beeps and blows out white smoke that knocks Drake and Josh out, stopping their argument.]